Question:
Could my weight loss be making him insecure?

Is my husband telling the truth or is he being insecure? We have been having some problems recently, mainly with his job. He has a very stressful job and he is highe rup in the ranks, often the guys get together for golf outtings or go out for drinks after work. Well, that is fine but my problems started when he wouldn't get home til 2 a.m., or would come home drunk, the topper was when he wrecked his truck while driving drunk. Anyhow, I was angry at him for all of this, oviously, but somehow he managed to turn it all around on me and but the blame on me. He started walking around with a chip on his shoulder acting as if it was wrong for me to be mad. He told me it is because he has been doing some thinking and he realizes our marriage has been bad for years, funny he realizes this when I am mad at him. Anyway, I have lost 130 pounds since January, and my friend says she thinks he is insecure and feels like I don't need him anymore. I have gotten a part time job, I look better, feel better, have mor eself confidence and I dress better. He keeps dragging up issues from the past, like how I would never go to work related things with him, I told him it was because I was fat then. It is kind of frustrating because I have actually gone to several things with him this summer and thought that was showing him that things were changing and I was willing to do things now that I was to self concious to do then. Do you think he really thinks there are problems in our marriage, or could it be his underlying insecurities about my weight loss? I know this is kind of vague, but there is really too much to list here. Also, he keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants to do, and asks what I want to do (about our marrigae) I keep telling him I love him and want it to work, and ask what he wants to do since he says he is the one who has been unhappy for years, he just says I want to know what you want to do! It is like, he is trying to scare me with leaving but never does it. One of my co-workers also said she thinks he is worried about my weight loss, she said if he was so unhappy with things wouldn't he have left when you were 300 pounds?????? So, what do you folks think? Is it more than what he is admitting, is it really what he says, or is it insecurity? He also says he doesn't knwo what I am doing on the computer all the time, or who I am talking to.    — Tracey N. (posted on November 20, 2003)

November 20, 2003
Sometimes I really hate men. I mean, why do we spend so much time and energy trying to figure out if they are happy, how to get them happy and keep them happy. I wonder if they spend even a fraction of the time we spend on this stuff. <p> OK I got that out of my system... It does sound like he's feeling a little insecure, not that that gives him an excuse to act this way. I mean if you were really thinking about leaving, acting like that is not the way to persuade you to stay! It really sounds like counseling is in order. It's not right that he is blaming you for driving drunk - were you there forcing him to drink? I'm really sorry you are having to go thru this. If it really only started since your weight loss, ya'll need to find a way to get past it. I am so lucky my husband is pretty rock solid and easy to read. Hell, he straight up tells me what ticks him off. If it's something I've done, said, not done, not said, we work it out and go on. No stupid games. I wasn't raised to be quite so blunt, but if he does something dumb, I'm getting better at telling him instead of stuffing it inside. You both just need to be able to talk and tell each other exactly how you're feeling. Don't try to be mind readers!
   — Ali M

November 20, 2003
Tracey, It does sound like he's feeling unsure about how you feel about him - now that you've morphed into this lovely, confident, more secure woman. I often forget that people only have the outside of me to go on - I forget that they don't realize that while the outside of me has changed drastically - the inside me is still the same woman. I still love as fiercely as I ever did, and I'm still 100% committed to my belief system. It's so normal for relationships to go through phases. It sounds to me like maybe some good solid counselling with a counselor whom you trust is in line. There are also some great books out there to turn to. I find a lot of great books over at www.christianbook.com - pretty inexpensively, too - since that's a consideration at our house. I can recommend the "Boundaries" books, and there are several by James Dobson that are pretty right on. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers! Blessings, dina
   — Dina McBride

November 20, 2003
I totally understand!! My husband is very insecure now. I wonder what will happen when I reach goal (150lbs)I have already lost -75lbs. My husband is an alcoholic and keeps saying I will leave him when I get thin. I tell him trust me it will not be because of my weight. I tell him to quit manipulating me by telling me that when he gets mad. They say strong marriages get stronger and weak ones usually end. With our self-esteem getting higher every day I don't think they know what to do. My husband is not overweight and is a good looking man. He was not an insecure person before my surgery but I hear it happens a lot. He makes sure everyone knows he is with me (it is almost suffocating sometimes). I guess I do not have the answer but I can relate to the frustation. Keep you chin up!! Laura.
   — laurab

November 20, 2003
He may very well be insecure or unsure about your feelings now that you are losing weight. I agree with the previous poster...if you wish to make this marriage work, then I would suggest finding a relationship counselor / psychologist. There are some that specialize in relationships after WLS. Something that has helped my relationship is asking my hubby out on "dates". We spend time together out, away from the house and kids, and take time to bond with each other. This world is so hurried and we really do need to take time out to connect with those we love. If you don't nurture your relationships of course they will fall apart. If you want him and you want your marriage to work be sure to tell him that. Then schedule a session with someone who can help the two of you work through your issues. Maybe your hubby will open up more with a "third party" (i.e. counselor) there. As far as the computer goes...show him. Don't keep it a mystery what you're doing on-line. Deseption and dishonesty would ruin the best of relationships. My husband thinks it's absolutely wonderful the support and information I find on this site. By the way... Congratulations on your successful weight loss!!! Keep up the great job.
   — Kamy

November 20, 2003
By the way, if he is the one having issues, don't let him make you feel like you've somehow failed as a wife because you haven't. In addition, don't let him turn his "issues" around and make them your fault. These are classic abusive tactics people utilize to strip anothers self-esteem and self worth. Let him know you aren't going to fall for that. Tell him you want the marriage to work (if you truly do) and if he wants the marriage to work also then the two of you will go see a therapist together to work together on becoming a healthy couple. You are worth it...don't let him bring you down!
   — Kamy

November 20, 2003
I could not possibly delve into the deepest aspect of your husband's psyche, but on the surface, he just sounds insecure beyond the pale. At first the uneasiness is about the surgery, the successful recovery and then the realization sets in that it really is working. It has got to be a blow to someones ego if they think that they are the main lynch-pin holding a marrige together (even if that isn't the case - but hey?? men's minds??) Now that you have shown some true initiative above and beyond your past, and there inevitable possibility that you will be getting to the point where you will be turning other men's heads...he's beginning to feel even more insecure. All you can do is assure him, but if his mind is set, there's not much you can do about it, I guess? I know that initially my wife was against this surgery, but there were underlying factors about death and hospitals, and now that the weight has started to drop off, she 'playfully' is always saying 'I don't want you weighing less than I do', and I think she really means it, and as a matter of fact, I may well end up weighing 50-75 lbs. less than she does now. She says she is kidding, but it is always the saying that comes up, and I guess I will have to deal with that point when I get there. Just try to be patient, understanding and do the best you can. All you can do is best for what is you, he may have a whole lot of other issues he needs to deal with in the meantime. Good luck!
   — track

November 21, 2003
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and post to my question. We finally had a real honest heart to heart last night, he denies the weight loss being a problem, so who knows. But, anyway, we are going to go see a counselor because we have 2 beautiful children and want our marriage to work. Thanks again!!!!!!!
   — Tracey N.

November 22, 2003
I would suggest you buy the book "Codependent No More". I can't remember the name of the author, but that is the title. Your husband fits the desciption of the alcoholic pretty perfectly. Alcoholics will always blame someone else for whatever the problem is. And the spouse is usually it. I would suggest you get some counseling or even go to an al-anon group. It's amazing how you find out you are not alone and the alcoholic cycle is so predictable. I was divorced from an alcoholic in 1989 and went for counseling before I made such a huge decision because I wanted to help him. I soon learned I needed help as much as or more than he did. In reality I made choices that encouraged the things he did and so I definitely do not put all the blame on him or the alcohol. I learned I was controlled by the alcohol even though I wasn't the one doing the drinking. Anyway, don't take my word for this, get counseling. It really was the best thing I ever did. Good luck.
   — catleth

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