Question:
DOES ANYONE HAVE PEOPLE WHO DO NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEGE YOUR WLS?
I have been friends with someone for 25yrs (she is not even 5' and very petite) and she knows the struggle I have had with my weight. When I am with her she never asks me anything about my surgery (Open RNY 17Jul2003). I am not even comfortable bringing it up in conversation. I have lost 70lbs and I guess I am really hurt by her lack of reaction. I really want to ask her why she never says anything to me but am not sure how. Does anyone have any suggestions?? — laurab (posted on November 3, 2003)
November 3, 2003
Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable asking. Because you havent brought it
up she might feel as if you don't want to discuss it. Some day when you
are out doing whatever just all excited like say 'woo hoo I just hit my
first goal of losing 70lbs and I am all excited'. See how she reacts.
Open the door, maybe thats all she needs. :) best of luck and grats on
the loss!
— RebeccaP
November 3, 2003
Even though she is a long time friend she might feel that this is something
you prefer to keep private at this time. I can imagine that a friend who
has seen you struggle with weight over a 25 year period would know that you
have much riding on succeeding and she may be just trying to de-emphasize
the importance of weight loss goals. I would imagine that she has seen you
through all sorts of diet struggles that have ended up in weight
loss-n-gain. Perhaps she is not completely aware of what WLS is about.
Anyway, When you hit a goal that you feel like discussing with her, tell
her. If she still does not respond much one way or the other, I would then
ask her if she has a problem with your journey to better health. I do
understand that some friendships can permanently change as the result of
the changes in us when we succeed with weight loss via surgical means.
Part of that simply comes about because we change both physically,
emotionally and discover a multitude of new interests. I know I am
anxiously awaiting my rebirthday to begin my new life and have warned my
husband that I might even decide to get a tatoo (totally off the wall for
the current Sandra).
— Arizona_Sun
November 3, 2003
Yes I do. One woman I went to school with now works where I do, but she
works swing shifts, and I work 9-5ish...so I only see her one or twice a
year. I had seen her right before surgery (never mentioned I was having
it)...than ran into her twice since...and each time I was much smaller than
the last....but nothing from her....it is kinda funny actually...she is
somewhat average to large, but not obese...so I don't think it's
jealousy...maybe she really doesn't notice...see's me for the person
underneath (hahahaha...who knows...maybe)
— KimBo36
November 3, 2003
Yes, my son's mother in law. She has always been overweight but never as
big as I was. When she does see me she looks me over from head to foot but
has never said one word. Her husband, or anyone else who is around, aways
compliment me, but not her. By the way, I did get a tattoo to reward
myself.
— Tawnda C.
November 3, 2003
I think some are reluctant to mention it as they do not want to embarrass
you. My husband doesnt say much as he doesnt want to imply that he ever
thought I was over weight or not beautiful. It is worse when people gush
on and on .
— **willow**
November 3, 2003
My very best friend was so mad I had the surgery. She never called before
the surgery and after she has been very odd. She told another friend she
was just so worried. I thought it was a strange way to show her worry but
mum is still the word. Go figure! My counseler told us relationships
would change but I never thought it would be my best friend. Just know you
did the right thing for you and if she can't handle it then it really is
her problem.
— kathy S.
November 3, 2003
My in-law's have never acknowledged my surgery or my weight loss. My
in-laws took care of my children during and after my surgery, I did not
even get a good luck or anything. I had my surgery on 5/30/02 and am at
goal. My in-laws gave me a 3x size shirt for Christmas this past year(when
I lost 100# at that time). It was the same size of shirt I wore prior to
surgery. My sister-in-law has lost 70 pounds and is the next Jenny Craig
and "is so wonderful and so beautiful for taking control of her
life!" So I completely understand how you feel. I just don't let it
bother me anymore, they will meet their maker before I will, and they will
have to explain their actions and attitudes. I sleep well at night.
— jharriesimrn
November 3, 2003
It's been 7 months for me. One sister NEVER says a word...weird...I feel
sorry for her.
— msmaryk
November 3, 2003
i am 78 lbs down wearing a 12- i had my hair cut a few weeks ago and a
huge amount of people keep telling me how great my new haircut is and how
it's so flattering! they don't seem to notice the weight loss- i guess my
hair weighed 78 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
— Jannie N.
November 3, 2003
YESSSSSSSSSSS. I encounter this a lot, mostly from people that are MO
themselves. Believe me.. they notice the new you, and many times it brings
up their OWN feelings about their weight. Try not to let it bother you.
— SarahC
November 3, 2003
i didn't have my surgery for anyone else but myself. i don't need anyone to
praise me or acknowlege it. it took me a while to get into that way of
thinking too. pre-op i was always so worried about what other people
thought of me. this choice was choosen by me for me and only me. best of
luck
— franbvan
November 3, 2003
I've read about this. I have a lot of thin friends. I think
subconsciously they feel they won't be the "pretty one" anymore.
Maybe jealously. Relationships do change. I would just work on being
around positive people. Congrats on your loss!
— corkee
November 3, 2003
WOW. It never ceases to amaze me how many of the responses turn into *I
did it for me, this is all about me, no one matters but me.* I think a lot
of people who responded here need to go back and read rebecca's reply and
willow's reply. As a *thin* person all my life I believe I have a fairly
normal outlook on how bigger people are viewed and the reactions I have to
them. Jealousy at them getting thinner, let me tell you, has NEVER been
the situation. I'm happy when they are able to regain control of their
lives. What you are looking for is like asking an aids patient how they
feel now that they beat aids. Your friend, I am sure, cares and would love
to talk to you about it, but wow...if it were me, I'd feel very
uncomfortable bringing it up. It was hard enough for me to bring it up
with my wife...I just let her instigate the conversation about it, then I
could ask my questions. Do yourself a favor and ignore most of the selfish
posts here and go talk to your friend. Ask her if she can tell you are
getting smaller and what she thinks of how things are going with you. Let
her in on how you feel about the changes in your life. Let her share in
your joy at a new chance at life. I think you'll find her to be a lot more
receptive than you think (especially if she is truly a good friend).
— k P.
November 3, 2003
This is an interesting question - I have lost 90+ pounds and am about 10 or
15 pounds from goal - and yes, people notice it. The only difference is
that men seem to comment on it less - or with less ebulliency - than women.
But people definitely notice. There ARE some who don't say anything, and I
agree with some of the previous posters - perhaps they just don't feel that
it's proper for them to comment without their opinion or observation being
solicited by the person with the weight change. Here's a thought - we all
like to be noticed when we lose weight and have people comment on it. But
what if those same people had said, with the same candor, "Wow, you
must have gained a hundred pounds - I'll bet you feel terrible" - when
we gained weight? Changes in weight - whether positive or negative - can be
viewed by some as a very private thing, that they just don't feel
comfortable commenting on out of the blue.
Or, maybe they're just jealous - but I think that would be the exception to
the rule...
— johanniter
November 4, 2003
I won't be popular saying this but...you're letting this person take up
space rent-free in your head and heart. Walk away from her, firmly and
quickly, and don't look back. A true friend is defined very clearly, and
you already know what that definition is. So if you hang on, hoping it
will all change, you're just getting mileage out of being a victim.
Victimhood left our lives the day we had surgery. - Deborah (open RNY
10-25-03 -23 lbs)
— Deborah M.
November 4, 2003
I have to agree with K. Perkins response. How quick we are to put our spin
on what we believe others think of us (an old paranoia of mine from years
of being "the fat girl"). He opened my eyes with his statement.
Truly, the only way to really understand what's going on in another human's
head and heart is to ask them. Thanks K. Perkins for an eye opening
response.
— Happy I.
November 4, 2003
I was feeling so sorry for myself when others started to
notice my weight loss...Friends and thier husbands would make such a fuss
over me and my husband really said nothing. If I mentioned another pound
gone he would praise me and tell me how proud he was of me...my kids tell
me they don't notice it as much because they are with me everyday so I
thought maybe that was it...then we were talking about it and I
realized...My husband never said anything about me being overweight. I
know my appearance is not what my husband loves about me. He loves me for
me. He never stopped treating me like a queen, still rubs my back every
night...whisper's beautiful sentiments in my ear....he doesn't mention my
weight loss because to him it's not who I am. I was more flattered by that
than any compliment he could have given me. Don't get me wrong...he
mentions it from time to time....but he doesn't gush about it like I
thought he would....and I am so glad he doesn't.
— nani68
November 4, 2003
I had friends who would not discuss my weight loss because they were afraid
of my reaction. They were not comfortable bringing the subject up because
they did not have weight issues and they didn't know whether or not I would
react well if they did bring it up. One friend finally mentioned it to me
privately and once I let them know I didn't mind talking about it, they
were very supportive.
— kararuck
November 5, 2003
I fit into the person who does not notice category. My co worker (and
friend)of 15 yrs recently had WLS she is down 85# and looks as beautiful as
ever but in a smaller package. I never mention it to her but I do continue
to comment on her beautiful new clothing or her new hair do. Being on the
heavy end of the scale myself and just beginning my journey here I felt I
wanted her to be treated as I would like to be treated. ie Just like
always. I get very uncomfortable when someone dwells on how beuatiful you
look or how thin you have gotten...it is well sorta like some of the others
said, like saying gee you gained a hundred or so pounds WOW . I jsut let it
lie and treat her like I always have and well I guess that's what friends
do.
Susan ps I have inherited all her clothes she has out grown and am
looking forward to being able to pass them all along shortly.
— Sombrero_Sue
November 7, 2003
I go with K Perkins. A lady I work with had WLS about 2 years ago and had a
remarkable change from sad even kind of mean to obviously more happy &
active. And even nicer. I never said anything because I figure everyone and
their brother was asking her about it and it gets so tiresome after a while
explaining things over and over again. I felt very happy for her and even
proud of her, but didn't want to bother her with my inquiries. If she
wanted to talk to me about it she would.
Recently when I was making my final decision to have surgery (I see
pulmonary doc Tuesday)I asked her just one question "would you do it
again if you could go back" She said absolutely. I quickly explained
why I never said anything and that she has actually been an inspiration to
me. She said if I ever have questions I can feel free to ask her.
So give your friend some slack, talk to her if it's bothering you. She can
not read minds and won't know it bothers you if you don't tell her.
Good luck and keep up the good work!!!
Cathy
— catleth
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