Question:
What do you tell dates (significant ones) about scars?
I'm a 33 y/o single female, hoping (praying) to have surgery soon. I'm also hoping that someday I'll look back at this question and think it was silly...but I'm trying to consider everything that might be an issue in the future. So here is my question: What do single post-ops tell people they've become intimate with about their scars? How bad is the scarring? I may be a mo woman but I've always been very confident and very VAIN...and I'm just a little scared about the scarring. Gosh, I feel silly. — Tamara K. (posted on August 4, 2002)
August 4, 2002
HI T,
AM 27 and am going to see a surgeon on the 23, aug that specializes in
laporscopic surgery. Which means my scaring will hardly be noticed at all
in fact after a while no on should even tell the difference. The open
procedures that leave big scars around your bikini line or sometimes all
the way up the stomach. So look into lap surgery.
— sheri B.
August 4, 2002
Although I'm 11 months post-op, I still haven't figured that one out yet.
The one man I became serious with walked away from the relationship a
couple weeks after I told him about my surgery and scar. I'm convinced this
had something to do with the breakup of our relationship. So now, I'm very
concerned about what to tell a future relationship. <p>Furthermore, I
would never enter into intimacy without first revealing information about
my WLS, because all the signs are quite evident--from scarring to sagging
skin on lower abdomen, thighs and upper arms. It's a scary thing to share
one's WLS info. with a romantic interest because of the fear of rejection,
but it is crucial to do so. I don't believe any relationship can survive
without the basic premise of trust and honesty. It's just a matter of
finding the right person who won't judge you by what you look like without
clothes on. (I look great with clothes, but when I'm "nekkid,"
it's another story altogether--EEW!). LOL!!! <p>P.S. Your question is
not a silly one, but indeed a valid and important one. Best wishes in your
WLS journey and search for these difficult interpersonal issue questions.
— artistmama
August 4, 2002
Hi...well, I am married ten years now, but the concern about scars is there
for anyone. My lap rny scars were nothing...but the breastbone to pubic
bone and hip bone to hip bone TT scars were a bit frightening. After I had
been wheeled into surgery and was on the table, my surgeon was looking at
my panni, and I asked "do I get to keep my belly button?" He
said it was up to me, I told him, it really didn't matter much, if you can
save it, fine, if not, I'll just tell my grandkids I was hatched on Mars.
We all had a nice little giggle over that. My husband does sometimes
jokingly call me "franken-wife" because of my scarring. If it is
a problem with the scarring or is it a problem with admitting to
wls...that's what you need to decide. If it is saying "wls" than
stating that you had abdominal surgery at X time and leave it at that until
you are comfortable in stating what you really had done...of course, if you
are at "that" stage where you are having intimate relations, then
you should be admitting to wls to your potential lover/mate/friend...just
my humble opinion.
Good luck.
~CAE~
— Mustang
August 4, 2002
Hi. I was worried about scars too. I'll be 20 next month and I was worried
that I would be self conscience in the future when I meet a potiencial Mr.
Right. But now that I think about it, I'd rather have scars on a slim
healthy body than have a MO body anyday! I had lap rny and the scars are so
little that they don't even bother me. My doc said they should fade some in
the next year anyway. As for Mr. Right, if they bother him that much then
he's probably not Mr. Right anyway. I was never self conscience about my
body till I got to be over 300 pounds. So now that I'm losing weight, I'm
starting to like my body again which make me not even care about the scars.
They aren't that bad. And if you they do bother you that much, you can have
scar therapy at a plastic surgeons office once you lose all your weight. I
don't know too much about it, but I think it's a laser treatment that fades
your scars even more. With modern science and medicine, you can look like a
movie star it you so desire. Good Luck =)
— Sarah K.
August 4, 2002
I had open RNY and my scar is 4 inches long, running from the base of my
sternum down. I am only 9 weeks out, so it hasn't finished healing and
getting lighter. Is it a terrible scar? No, not at all. <p> What
would I tell someone about my scar? For me, I'd be open and honest. This is
my badge of courage for slaying the MO dragon! My surgeon was my sword. To
convince society to stop treating the MO so terribly, we need to stop
treating it and wls like things to hide from others. Be proud of what
you've accomplished, your scars tell your story. Conquering obesity is a
big deal, it requires a lot of bravery. Your taks will be finding someone
who can handle a strong, beautiful woman who doesn't need a man to slay her
dragons for her. Good luck!
— NicoleG
August 4, 2002
If im at the point in a relationship where im going to be intimate with
someone - then I know they care about me and I will tell them the truth
about the scars. However, lets face it - if Im having a 1 night stand,
then who cares what they think about me and my scar! I had an open RNY on
7/2/02. I have a perfectly straight line and its a reddish-pink color
right now.... but I know in time the line will face to white like my other
scars.
— Valerie H.
August 4, 2002
That's a great question. I am just 18 days post-op with open rny. My scar
is very thin, but long. I think that in the long run it won't matter very
much. If asked in an intimate situation about it (along with several
others), I think I would just say it was my old "war" wound and
laugh...
Happy Losing,
Marian
— Marian K.
August 4, 2002
If I get any questions about mine, I just say it was from "an old
abdominal surgery from a long time ago." If they pry, I say it was
gall bladder. It's none of anyone's business, at least until you find the
"right" one and get married.
— Terissa R.
August 4, 2002
Nicole Graves - I agree wholeheartedly! You go girl! :) - Anna
— Anna L.
August 4, 2002
I understand your concern Tamara. I am 23 and still in the dating scene
and I often wonder how will I get over that hurdle about my scarring. I am
still post-op and am scheduled for surgery on 8/19/02. The surgeon I am
seeing only does it LAP. But he said due to my weight there might be a
chance that I have to have it done open. Where I have seen people who
weight a lot more than me have it done LAP. But I was always confident
until I got over 300 lbs as well. So I am prepared to let any man who cant
accept a little scar that is a part of me and what I am going through, he
can go to hell. LoL. Good Luck!
— Shavonne P.
August 4, 2002
I am married but if I were still single I would tell them. If they would
think less of me for WLS I really wouldnt want them in my life
anyway.<P> Its a part of what we are and nothing to be embars=assed
for. <P> Now not necessarily on the first date but cretinally before
things get too intimate. I would hope none of us is so desperate we would
try to cover up such a thing. Post op life should give a much bigger
sel;ection of possible mates, so desperate measures shouldnt be needed.
— bob-haller
August 4, 2002
Tamara, I know how you are. I too, despite having been MO, was a pretty
confident and extremely vain person. Nothing wrong with that, I say! In
anycase, my scar isn't that bad. I had an Open RNY and have about 3.5
inches that starts about five inches north of my belly button heading
upwards. I have been intimate with two men since surgery, both of whom I
told about my surgery. Nobody minds the scar, trust me on that one. I
have a good friend who was in a terrible car accident years ago and has
massive scarring from many different procedures. She's engaged now, but
for those few years in between when she was dating nobody ever left her
becasue of them. I really believe that men just aren't paying attention to
the scar - if you know when I mean. Now if your issue is not really the
scar, but the surgery you had...well, that's everyone's own cross to bear
and I am not going to tell you to be honest if you don't feel comfortable.
So, lie - tell them you had some useless organ rwmoved when you were a
teenager. Whatever it takes. I am just stsrting to date someone new and
have decided that this time I am NOT going to tell him about the surgery
right away. I'll let you know how it goes if he and I ever end up in bed
together. In the mean while, MY biggest concern - not to frighten you, but
to be real - is the skin. My hideous baggy skin and flab is what scares me
the most about being intimate. In fact, tonight, I am going to ask the guy
I am currently dating and have already been intitmate with (hey, who says
you can't date more than one person at a time?) how he feels about the
skin. I'll let you all know if I get an up front answer. :) ~Paula M.
Open RNY 02/14/02 -106.5 lbs.
— PaulaM
August 4, 2002
I just say that I had some abdominal surgery (it's not a lie). However, I
had the lap rny so there really aren't that many big scars to deal with.
However, I'm having my tt on Wednesday and that scar will be hip to hip. I
think with that one, I'll probably tell the truth and say I had a tt
because I didn't like the way my stomach looked (definately NOT a lie!!).
— Patty H.
August 4, 2002
I'm pre-op so it's not the scars that I had to tell about. I met my 2nd
husband at church and we dated but had decided not to be intimate and he
knew I'd had a c-section and could see I was fat BUT I hid the fact from
him for a while that I had sleep apnea and had to use a CPAP. My 16-year
old daughter laughed at me and wondered how I was going to keep him from
ever knowing since we were so close to being engaged. I then took a deep
breath and realized that I wanted a much better 2nd and final marriage than
the first and to do that, I needed complete and open honesty. And if the
guy was freaked, I was better off without him. Well, this wonderful man
played with my machine and tried to figure out how it worked. He always
strokes my hair around the webbing and NEVER makes me feel bad. That's how
I know I made the right choice. So don't fret --- if they're freaked, they
don't deserve the wonderful person you are!!! Nelly
— Nell C.
August 4, 2002
Before my RNY I had two kidney surgeries and a traditional gall bladder
removal. All three of these were before I was ever involved in an intimate
relationship. I never mention my scars and none of my lovers have ever
mentioned them. Of course, knowing someone on an emotionally intimate
level before reaching that level of physical intimacy can really reduce the
anxiety about this sort of thing. As a side note, if you keep your partner
busy they may never have time to notice the scar. BTW, over time the scars
do lighten and smooth. Some of my stretch marks are actually more
noticeable than my surguical scars.
— Nanette T.
August 4, 2002
Like Marrian Kelley says about calling the scar an old war wound.....Just
say you fought in the "Battle Of The Bulge".
— StarWish624
August 4, 2002
Well, I am jealous as hell that scarring is on anybody's top five lists of
things to worry about at that critical first encounter. Assymetrical
breasts, lack of experience, modesty, odor, contraception, how things will
be the morning after... my list goes on and on. I do know the first time
I made love with my DH, (I knew he was "the one", he was still in
denial), I kept my t-shirt on. I just can't even imagine worrying about a
scar at that time. I went into it with a 6 inch gall bladder scar, I don't
think I thought twice about it. Doesn't everyone have scars or marks that
make for great pillow talk???
— Karen F.
August 4, 2002
First, the average guy tends to be happy if he's with a naked
woman...PERIOD!! I'm not expecting to get grilled about any scars! ;)
Second, for me, he's either the "right" man or he's not! The
"right" man will be able to handle the scars, the fact that I had
surgery, etc. That's part of him qualifying as the "right" man!
Since I'm a Christian and celibate for just over 10 years, I hope to remain
strong...meaning that by the time a man sees these scars, we'll be
married...til death do us part!!
PS I had laparoscopic surgery, however, I keloid so they are raised and
dark. I'm hoping that aloe vera gel, vitamin e oil and silicone tape will
help!
— Pamela B.
August 5, 2002
Well said, Nicole Graves ~ I believe you're absolutely right w/your
response. I knew one lady who kept telling everyone she was losing all her
weight because she was on the Subway diet. :) What a trip...not me, I'm an
open book and I don't care who knows what I've done - I have a heck of a
lot harder time trying to "keep the secret" than just talking
openly about it.
— Lisa J.
August 5, 2002
Tambra K ~ one more thing...my lap RNY left very little scarring..my worst
scar is where my right drain tube was at and that's only 1 inch by a few
centimeters - very small. The more weight I lose, the smaller the scars
get and they are starting to fade. The woman who answered about that naked
woman w/most men cracked me up...she's right though. :)
— Lisa J.
August 5, 2002
I've dealt with this quite a bit. I had Open RNY on 09/17/01 and then, 155
lbs down, had extensive plastic surgery on 07/22/02. I have more than 6
feet of incisions... that should eventually shrink down to about 5 feet of
scarring.<p>Does it bother me to have these scars? Nope. I had a
disease that was going to kill me, through one of several means at its
disposal. Being MO was literally peeling the hours off my life.<p>My
sweet and wonderful boyfriend, who knew me at my biggest (310 lbs) and
started dating me at 220 after we'd both left our previous long-term
relationships and settled down a bit, has now gotten to have the pleasure
of seeing me shrink to 145 and still going. He's my biggest supporter and
fan.<p>We had serious, long talks about the plastic surgery. I had a
very extensive (270 degrees around) abdominoplasty, a brachioplasty
(bat-wing removal), two zones of liposuction, and a huge burn scar removed
from my back. I was really worried that I was being vain, and that the
saggy skin, while uncomfortable and embarrassing, wasn't something I should
spend $10k and the surgical risk of 8 hours on the table to fix. His take
on it: I've worked so hard for the weight loss and improved health that I
deserve the whole package. I DESERVE to feel and look FANTASTIC. It's not
vanity to want to be proud of what you've accomplished and to be confident
in your own skin.<p>Mark says that my scars (which will become nearly
invisible over time, they are so hair-fine) are not signs of vanity or
failure, but symbols of my strength as I have fought so many battles for my
good health. He traces them sometimes with his fingers and says he can
literally feel my power of determination.<p>Isn't THAT the kind of
man you want in your life?? We may not stay together forever... when we got
together, it was on the basis of strong mutual attraction and we knew that
"on the rebound" was not really the best predictor of long-term
happiness... but here we are seven months later still having fun and full
of love and respect for each other. What I've learned here though is that I
will NEVER tolerate someone who cannot see my scars as a sign of strength,
or who is disgusted by them. I am a beautiful unique person and I will be
seen as such or I will not waste my time. I don't feel I have anything to
hide from anyone and many, many people know about my WLS and plastics. It's
time for those of us who have the personality for it to bring this disease
and this successful treatment for it out of the closet.<p>Feel free
to look at both of my profile pages for more info. I'll be posting more
photos as time goes on, especially of the plastic surgery scars. It's only
been two weeks so I'm not even totally healed, but already I can say that
they will be beautiful and maybe even invisible, or nearly so. A gossamer
web.<p>Good luck to you in your journey. Consider the scars that
being MO and taking society's abuse have put in your heart against the
small scars on your body when you think about how to proceed.
— Julia Z.
August 6, 2002
Probably the same way I would introduce them to my appendectomy scar. It
doesn't embarrass me in any way..... it was just a nescessity...
— Karen R.
August 7, 2002
I'm 5 mos post op, so I haven't had a big opportunity to explain the scar,
but it has come up a couple times. I just say I've had surgery (which
explains why I barely eat when we go out to dinner). Eventually, if things
get really serious, I'll tell them the truth. The scar really isn't that
big of an issue. (And I thought it would be.) I went to a tanning bed
this spring, which I think helped it quite a bit. It's still obviously
there, but looks much better than all that fat did! :)
— Katy B.
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