Lynda D.
Still Twiddling My Thumbs While Life Passes Me By
May 24, 2013
Good Lord Almighty, I can bitch here can't I? Well I think I can so I'm gonna bitch.
Still sick. Still can't get out of bed. Still can't be a wife and mother. I don't shop or cook or clean or go to church anymore. I go to the bathroom, and I go to the doctor. That's it. And I hate this.
So much of my life has been in upheaval the past few years. My husband was laid off in '06. He found another job but had to take a HUGE pay cut. We struggled, but I was working and we scraped by. Then the economy went to hell in '08 and I lost my job. We tried to refinance our house around the time but, to our horror, our house was no longer worth what it should have been. We ended up owing more on the house than it was worth. We owed A LOT MORE. Like a lot. Like enough to make you ill a lot. We're talking tens of thousands of dollars here. I'm still disgusted by that. You work your whole damn life to buy a little parcel of land, and it gets ripped out from under you. 
So then my hypothyroid problem spiraled out of control, and my doctor put me on steroids because we thought it was adrenal insufficiency, and then my insurance dropped my doctor (It had something to do with narcotics) and I didn't have anyone for a long time, and the steroids ruined my teeth so that I was constantly in pain and running a fever from my rotting teeth, and we had to file bankruptcy because my medical and dental bills were so high, and we lost the house as part of it and...blah, blah, blah, and so forth and so on. Whew! I'm out of breath! I think I already detailed what's been going on in another post, so I won't go into it here.
Oh, and then my husband got laid off again the other day. No warning. No nothing. He went to work, and they told him he was laid off, and he was escorted out of the building by security. They had just had a performance review and gave my hubby a raise! Then they lay him off?? WTF?
Throughout all of this I haven't felt right about getting the surgery. I want to do it. I really do. But there's something holding me back. Part of it is because we aren't settled in our lives. We have no idea what's going to become of us. In some ways, we're free. We're no longer tied to a mortgage, and we have no lease on the house we're currently renting. We could pack up and leave anytime. We can go anywhere to get a job. Out of state. Anywhere.
And then of course there's the fact that I won't have insurance for much longer, and who knows what kind of insurance we'll have in the future.
But I was just diagnosed with nonalcoholic fatty liver disease. My doctor says if I don't lose weight this will kill me. It will just take twenty years to do so, and my quality of life will be poor in the meantime. I don't think I can lose this weight on my own. It's not an excuse. It's reality. My body wants to be fat.
I have to do something to make things better!
But first I need to be secure. Secure in a place to live. Secure in an income and insurance benefits, secure in getting my health stabilized. I can't even think about a revision until I have more security and stability in my life.
So I twiddle my thumbs and I wait...
