Reflections on my loss.... / Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

Who knew it was possible to stare at a baby for hours and never get bored?

As I sit here I realized something.... 

About a  year ago I got pregnant....  I didn't realize I was pregnant until the first week in July.  By July 17th I lost the baby - at 6-8 weeks to a ruptured ectopic.  They don't know how old the baby was, but since his heartbeat was visible on an ultrasound (in my tube) they figure close to 8 weeks. 

The loss of the baby was the hardest mental and physical ordeal of my life. 

But if I hadn't lost that baby I wouldn't have Cooper.  Cooper was conceived less than 2 months after my surgery to remove the ruptured tube, etc. 

Of course I am not happy that I lost the first baby, but Cooper is already such a part of my life in just 9 days I cannot imagine not having him. 

It kind of reminds me of the Garth Brooks song (no, I'm not normally a country music fan!)

As the pain of my ectopic got worse and I knew something was wrong (even though I was in denial) I prayed and prayed everything would be okay with the baby.... 

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Of course you could argue I MIGHT have another equally precious baby had my first pregnancy been viable.... but then again I wouldn't have Cooper...

Boy my horomones are in overdrive !!  I'm going back to staring at my baby now. 

Cindy

Cindy,
Thanks for this post. I just lost my baby June 16th. I really hope in a year or so from now. I'm sitting and looking at my new baby as you are. Love the words of that song! Thank you for posting this!

Jackie

*taking a tissue, wiping eyes, and blowing snot from my nose*

Sniff, Sniff

I know EXACTLY what you mean. I lost my son last year at 20 weeks. I went through labor/delivery........and it was horrible to experience. Seeing how tiny he was, knowing he was to be my son, naming him....etc. I was an emotional wreck. and I still am. I think about that night so many times and just cry. Although it's easier, it NEVER goes away. I will never forget giving birth to my little boy who was smaller than the palm of my hand but so beautiful. We named him Jesse and he is always in my thoughts. I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again, and I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant 2.5 months later.

But, all turned out OK, and Jantzen is amazing. I don't know why exactly things happened the way they did. And I guess it doesn't matter if I understand. Things happen the way they are supposed to.

the words to that song alway**** me hard.

Cindy,

I know exactly what you mean.  I was very very devestated when I lost Avery at 35 wks and I couldn't imagine how my heart would ever heal.  I eventually realized that if I would have had Avery then I probably would have stayed in a very bad relationship for a lot longer.  I was sort of brainwashed and stayed in it for a while.  I now realize that I am so much happier and so are my children (and safer) now that I have that unstable man out of my life and my kids life.  I miss Avery everyday.  I guess I could have not gone through the experience at all.. but I think going through all of that made me a stronger person... strong enough to say I was done with my terrible marriage and the cloud that was constantly shadowing my life.

Hugs
B

Cindy thanks for sharing this! I lost my baby on 6/19 (well a few weeks before that but my D&E was then)

Your post made me cry but I can only hope that I am in your place in a year looking down at my beautiful baby

*hugs* thanks agian for sharing!

Liz

Cindy,
I have never lost a baby but for other reasons - this couldn't have come at a better time! Thank you for posting -

Stare all you can now because soon enough he is going to be up running around. Josiah is at that point now and I just can't believe how fast it goes...

Hugs,
Erika

Beautiful and so true! Even at 8 and 4 years and 2 months, I still stare at my kids in awe and gratitude. The loss of 3 babies is a blessing only in that it has truly made me appreciate each of my children. Those are great lyrics too. Thanks for sharing and congratulations again on your baby, Cindy!

Hugs,

HOW TRUE!  When we adopted Holden 4.5 years ago I thought about my loss also.  And the crap we went thru to try and get pregnant again.  All of a sudden that song from Rascal Flatts came out "God Bless the Broken Road...that led me straight to you..." Yeah...the words rang so TRUE.  I cry every time I hear that song because I know that if not for my fertility issues, my loss, etc...I'd not not this BEAUTIFUL and amazing little boy in my life.  And then I heard the Garth song and thought how true THAT was too.  
However, it does seem that God is playing catch-up on all of my unanswered prayers!  I prayed for babies 3 different Christmases.  Holden came Christmas of 04...and THESE two will be here Christmas of 09!!!  God works in CRAZY ways sometimes!  :-)  

Great post!
Sandy

Thank you for this post Cindy... As I look at my Zander each and every day, I think about the saying "Third time is the charm"... You see, I've lost 2 babies before I conceived & finally delivered Zander last December... It sure does make me appreciate all I have in my son... Both of those losses devastated me and I gave up for years..... Then bypass came along and I got healthy again.... and after 4 years post op I did it again & this time it worked....

So to all the ladies out there who've had losses lately, know that you are not alone... And don't give up on having a little one of your own no matter what... Zander is living proof it can happen even though I seriously doubted I would ever have a baby... (((HUGS)))

My baby boy is 5 months now and I stare at him every chance I get. I didn't get to do that with my 2 1/2 year old because I went to work 1 month after delivering her, but with this one, its been different.

I hold them both, hug them, kiss them and am enjoying every minute with them now that I'm not working. I've never lost a baby but did miss out on alot with my Genesis all because my boss wanted me back within a month. All for what? for nothing. To let me go and lay me off right after giving birth to our 5 month old? I regret working for him for almost 8 years.

The good thing about it is that I get to spend more time with my kiddos (and still get a paycheck) and have been home for 5 months now.  I do have an an awesome offer/job waiting for me but until then, I'm enjoying being a mommy and spending my 1st summer at home in I don't know how long. My 12 year old even likes it because "I'm now around".