To Tell or Not To Tell
To Tell or Not To Tell?
A number of years ago, I was watching my seven-year-old nephew standing alone in the lake, minding his own business. Apparently thinking out loud, he shouted, “To be or not to be … that is a question!? Not the question, as Mr. Shakespeare had written it, but a question nonetheless. “To tell or not to tell?? (about your surgery) is also a question.
There are a number of questions associated with whether or not to tell people about your bariatric surgery. Whom do you tell? When do you tell them? Who needs to know? Who has a right to know? Whom do you want to tell? Whom do you not want to tell?
The obvious list of potential people to tell about your surgery includes your spouse/partner, children, parents, siblings, friends, bosses and coworkers. It is not mandatory that you tell all of the people on this list. You need to take some very important things into consideration before you tell people about your decision to have bariatric surgery.
Do some people need to know? Someone probably does need to know that you are having weight loss surgery, simply for health reasons. If you have complications or have some sort of medical emergency related to your surgery, someone close to you will have to pass that information on to medical professionals involved in your care. Obviously, the fact that you had bariatric surgery will be in your medical records, but having someone close to you aware of your medical situation is a good idea.
Who will genuinely support you? One thing is certain: it is essential to have the emotional support of people you trust following the surgery. Ironically, these are not always the people you would assume; sometimes family members and even spouses sabotage your success following surgery.
It is rare that bariatric patients do not inform their spouses or significant others about having weight loss surgery, for obvious reasons. You likely spend a lot of time with this person and will need their assistance immediately following the procedure. You will need their physical and emotional support as time goes by. There will be times when you are sad or angry or upset as you grieve not being able to eat like you want to. You will be tempted to eat foods that are disagreeable to post-bariatric patients. A supportive partner will help you through these times by encouraging you to eat the right things, by distracting you when you have “head hunger,? by cheering you on through the rough spots and by celebrating your many successes with you. For these reasons and more, the person most actively involved in your life on a day-to-day basis is going to be someone you need to tell about surgery.
On the other hand, just because people are actively involved in your life does not mean they necessarily need to know about your surgery. You need to decide how supportive each person you consider telling will be. Sadly, sometimes you may need to refrain from telling people very close to you. For example, if a sibling, other relative or friend engages in some sort of rivalry with you, whether spoken or unspoken, it may be wise not to tell them, especially if they are the type who always needs to “win.? These people, if they know about your surgery, may verbally praise you and swear to support you. However, whether consciously or not, they may sabotage your success. For example, they may ask you to join them for dinner at your old favorite buffet or bring you fattening desserts or eat luscious foods (that you can’t have) in front of you. If you or your most trusted person in life thinks someone would treat you in this manner, it is probably best not to tell them about having weight loss surgery —even if this person is your mother or twin sister.
Do your children need to know? It depends on their age and their level of understanding of obesity and the surgery. If you choose to tell your children, let them be part of the entire process. Educate them about obesity and its causes and consequences. Have them attend the information sessions about the surgery and about post-surgical living. Let them meet your surgeon and ask questions. Your children may be frightened about your having surgery; they may have heard horror stories on television about bariatric surgery. It is essential for them to have factual information without being scared.
If you choose to tell your children, make the recovery from obesity a family affair. Cook healthy meals with your children. Become active with them by walking, riding bicycles, going to the gym and playing ball. You will be helping them develop healthy behaviors for their lives.
What about telling your boss and coworkers? Again, it depends. How long will you be away from work? If you have a procedure that requires you to be away from your job for many weeks, you may have to inform someone of the reason for your absence. You may choose not to tell them the exact reasons for being away, but if you trust the person and believe they will be a support for you following surgery, it may be wise to tell them. If you work in an environment where gossip at the water cooler is the reason people go to work in the first place, be extremely selective about whom you tell. Be prepared, though. The minute you tell one or two people, it won’t be long before everyone in your office—and probably the two or three offices down the hall—knows the big news. If you choose not to tell coworkers and they start asking questions as you lose weight, simply share with them that you have changed your eating and exercise behaviors. That is the truth! And remember, it is quite possible to return to work, go out to lunch with your coworkers, and survive the donut-filled break room without anyone on the job site knowing that you had bariatric surgery.
The bottom line is that you only want to tell people who will support you throughout the process leading up to the surgery and following the surgery. An important issue surrounding whether you choose “to tell or not to tell? is that of boundaries. It is never a good idea to tell someone your whole life story until you know them and can trust them. I always suggest that if someone tells you their entire life story within the first 10 minutes of meeting you, run like crazy—in the opposite direction! Having healthy emotional boundaries means you disclose personal information sparingly to persons who have earned your trust. Being a family member does not automatically guarantee trustworthiness.
Your decision to have weight loss surgery was a personal one. Your decision to share the information is equally personal. Be smart. Choose to tell those people you can count on to genuinely support you in the rough times and to celebrate with you your many successes!
Connie Stapleton, PhD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and the owner of Mind/Body Health Services in Augusta, Georgia.
