Virtual Reality - Online Dating After Weight Loss Surgery
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?How many more websites with pictures of happy couples will it take before you take the plunge and throw yourself out there to the lions?? I was frustrated when I jokingly asked a client this question. She had gotten a Lap-band two years before and basically was still asking why she could not get a date. She responded the way many weight loss patients respond when this sort of question is asked of them: ?Well?I just don?t trust those dating services.? Then I followed with the second question: ?So?are you sure you don?t trust them, or are you more afraid of actually taking a step into the dating arena?? This patient is stuck in a place I as a therapist recognize. It is that place where you either risk losing your safety and familiarity, or you end up depressed and alone. She is basically safe now, but she is also very lonely, bored and frustrated. My encouragement to ?do something? is acknowledged?but that is what her weight has protected her from. This weight loss patient is like many of us. She was overweight all of her life, never had experience dating and now she is in her forties, looking good, but terrified of what she doesn?t understand. How do you enter this virtual world? The first thing you must understand is that because online dating is ?virtual,? there is an element of truth that is always missing. You may not be completely honest yourself, and the person responding to you may not be either. So, knowing that, my best advice is to go slowly. Do not ever tell another person online your personal information. This person may become the love of your life, but they may not?there is no guarantee. My favorite website for weight loss patients is EventsAndAdventures.com. I like it because the emphasis is on activities and social gatherings. This helps you learn what is appropriate and not. You get together with a group of people, so there is little pressure to bond with only one of them. Also, it has the added benefit of getting you out into the community and exercising?doing fun things like white water rafting, bowling and rock climbing. You will meet both men and women, with the possibility of making long-term friends. My patients? personalities seem to change after they become involved with other single people. The groups are also broken down by age, so if you?re 25, you won?t have to worry that everyone else will be 50. There is no shortage of websites claiming they can help you make a match; which one you choose is up to you and your preferences. No matter which site you go to, the rules will remain the same. 2. Never meet them at your home or their home?choose a neutral restaurant or place to meet, especially for the first three dates. Make sure you have a close friend or a trusted family member who knows where you are going, the person?s name and the phone number he or she gave you. If you meet at night, it may be a good idea to have your friend or family member call at a certain time to check in with you. This may make you feel safer. 3. Wait to get intimate?sex is better left until you have been dating the person exclusively for three months. This way you screen out the people who choose online dating as an opportunity to acquire a variety of partners quickly. STDs do happen, and if you haven?t dated or had sex due to obesity, you will be amazed at how many people are actively dating while carrying an STD. They would love to give it to you. Be smart?protect yourself. Now that I have scared you a bit, I do want to tell you that I still believe the Internet is one of the best ways to meet new people and achieve dating experience. I think loving someone is the greatest gift we can all have in our lives. So, get out there and take a risk. Just be smart!
June 2008 |
Mary Jo Rapini, LPC, psychotherapist, is featured on Big Medicine and is the author of Is God Pink? and her new release, Start Talking, co-authored with Janine Sherman.
