I lost over 230 lbs! Coming to terms with me. LONG!
Hello to all!
**Warning! This is very long. If you get bored easily-I suggest you RUN for your lives! I am going to ramble a bit-as it is how I best compose what I need to say! Thanks.
It’s time to post again. I have been thinking and thinking about how I wanted to write this post. I wanted to discuss post op life. I really wanted to talk about how we adjust. It also occurs to me that I think it would be a good project for me to start “interviewing" other post ops regarding their mental health and body image.
First-let me give you a quick overview of where I am today. I have lost 230 plus lbs via Roux-RNY on November 28th, 2006. I feel a million times better as far as my ability to move and walk. It’s a miracle for me to MOVE indeed!
I moved from California USA to a small town in England very near to Scotland. I got married last November 3 and moved here in January.
In some ways I may be different than some of you in that I lost most of my weight outside the view of friends or family-as well as workmates. This is important, because I think it may be a big part of why I am experiencing issues identifying with my new body.
Because I isolated most of my life due to weight and self-esteem issues-I kept well away from others. Even the wonderful people in my life I tended to push away. This included family as well. I came from a family who prized “beautiful people". This caused me to feel intense pressure at an early age and as soon as I was old enough to leave home (I ran away at 17)-I bolted. A year following that I gained 100 lbs! I was under so much pressure to be a pretty girl and to always be as perfect as I could be.
Well you can imagine how impossible that is and was for me. I was just a kid. I am just a person a human. However-I didn’t see myself that way for most of my life. I viewed myself as damaged and ruined because of my weight and what I thought were my imperfections. Even though people were kind and I had many achievements-I suffered deeply. I always figured it was just luck or maybe a mistake that I did so well. Not too happy a feeling to have at the end of the day.
So-here I am living in the UK. Even my husband didn’t know me as a big girl. Not one person in my current nearby circle knew me then. And the people that do know me from way back-haven’t seen me now! LOL! Strange-isn’t it?
Soon after I made this huge move to England I experienced a serious phase of anxiety and depression. It really actually started ramping up about a year after my WLS-but I kept busy enough to mostly ignore it.
There came a day not too long ago where I could no longer ignore my feeling of aloneness and despair. I became very concerned about how grey everything seemed-how flat. I decided to find a therapist here and also to start on Wellbutrin. Sometimes we need to use every tool we can get our hands on. This was one of those times for sure!
I am currently trying to branch out in baby-steps. Maybe I will join a Pilates class. I just joined the local library. I have to laugh in writing this-because many see me as very outgoing. I have no problem sharing my life in blog or even in You Tube. I love sharing and being a support to others. The hard part is in the connecting, the allowing myself to be loved and to be a friend. I don’t know how many years it has been since I was in a group of girls having coffee and laughing. I have been terrified in being seen and in participating. I feel like it’s important that I share that. Maybe some will identify.
I feel like I am a kid with training wheels on still. This new body and this new life-are overwhelming at times. Yes-I am absolutely grateful for everything I have experienced. And yet-I have a long way to go. My goals are not huge. My goals are to one day pick up the phone and call a friend and go to coffee. One day I would like to feel comfortable in just hanging with the girls. I have longed for it-as well as been frightened to death of it. I have felt so different and so bad because I believed if anyone really knew me-they would hate me because I was so broken and imperfect. That has been my truth. My goal now is to make that my OLD truth.
In order to help my new therapist understand where I once was, I brought in my old size 34 jeans. I pulled them out of the bag and stood up to unfold them and show them to her. She thanked me and told me that it was incredibly helpful for her to better understand. She said “I see a petite, lovely woman sitting in front of me. You do realize that we are about the same size, right"? I told her NO! And I really didn’t think we were even close at all. She nodded and said “Ok, we have a ways to go and that is OK-we will get there." She told me that even though I have felt desperately awful-it was all learned things. If I learned these things-in time I can unlearn them. That meant everything to me!! It gives me hope.
Being here on Obesity Help was my first real experience in reaching out and communicating in a real way with others-as well as my You Tube page. During some very tough times-I was here always..reading and learning. I have been given amazing support here and have had the privilege to offer support and experience to others as well.
I will continue to share my updates and my experiences, as well as read and share in yours as well!
To those that have offered support and kind words, thank you so very much. Sometimes we really aren’t aware of how much it can mean to another person-just giving that little bit of time.
Please feel free to PM me if you ever need an ear or someone to share with. I bet we all have more in common than not!
So-I have written a book! Plus-this therapy session was FREE! Thanks OH! LOL! I will post my most recent before/after pictures as well.
I would LOVE to hear your experiences. If you can relate-let's hear it! 
Here’s to starting over and to new beginnings. I am grateful I have the chance to begin again-every day.
Before:
After:
Peace,
Therese
My husband and I want to visit Scotland the next time we're in the UK, so don't be surprised if you get a PM inviting you for out for coffee. I'm serious about this. It would be fun, for both us of.
Your gal in the wilds of Western NY,
-Cynthia
Bad boys get spanked. - Chrissie Hynde 
So much of what you said,comes home to me. It touched my heart. I have
not had the surgery yet but am working hard to get it. I know that I have
to have it. All of my life, I have let my weight problems control my happiness.
No matter what others said, I would always look at the negative. I didn't even
go to my High School Prom because no one asked me. When in a group,rest. or
store, if someone turned and looked at me I would immediately think, "there
they go seeing how ugly and fat I am". My family would say things like you have a beautiful face, if you could only lose some weight. My self esteem has
been so low for so long. I now am determined to turn all this around. The loneliness is the hardest for me. It is hard to trust someone. I hope your therapist makes you see that you are truly a very beautiful person and that
you should hold your head up and smile! Please contact me anytime. I truly
understand. I have had problems with depression for many years. I am just
a note away! LOl. Have a great weekend!
Your friend,
Beth
Thank you so much for posting! It does help so much knowing others understand. You sound like you have a wonderful understanding of where you have been. That tells me you are going to do VERY well! I am going to keep an eye out for that post where you tell us you have been APPROVED!!! Keep on trying-do NOT give up!!
I am going to go make sure you are on my friend list!
Peace and thanks,
T
As another who has lost over 200 pounds, I get it! I know where you are coming from and have many the same issues myself at times. Right now, we are preparing to move back to my hometown after 10 years away. When I left, I probably weighed 375 or 380. I was 410 before surgery in Aug 2006. I'm 205 to 208 most days now. I actually saw an all-time-low of 197 back in March 2008. I am happy with my weight. I still struggle, however, with my "appearance" and with clothing selection. I still see things that are trendy or cute and think, "not on THIS fat ass!" But, I CAN find my size now and I CAN wear those trendy/cute things. Do I? Well, sometimes... But, most of the time I won't even pull one off the rack and try it on...ugh!
We bought a car here recently. Most of the time, over the years, as we shopped for a vehicle, my first thought was "wow, that front seat looks small...bet I'd be uncomfortable in there for very long...wonder if there's enough room under the steering wheel..." You know the bit! But, this car is a Pontiac Sunfire and is something that I'd NEVER have even looked at even 10 years ago and I love it! I love that it's small and can save me tons on gas over my pickup. I love that I FIT in it! LOL And, for whatever reason, my old self image never popped up as I looked this time.... WHY? Beats the heck out of me!
As I prepare for this move though, I think about seeing all those folks (family and old school friends) who haven't seen me since I was almost 400 pounds... My own family hasn't seen me for the most part other than my Mom and sister who came up in May 2007 for my daughter's graduation. I was about 255 then... I'm smaller than that sister now! She's about 220 pounds and about my height... SO, I find myself wondering what she'll say. I wonder if my Mom won't tell me that I'm too small in her taste. Of course she is tipping the scales at about 325 these days herself...
Where is all of this taking me??? I'm really not sure, but wanted to at least say "It ain't JUST YOU, kiddo!!"
Love ya!
Lea
ObesityHelp Mini-Challenge Support Group Leader
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