Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I have struggled with my weight since my early teen years. I was always a few sizes larger than my peers. I would starve myself and lose a few pounds only to regain it as soon as I started eating again. When I became a young adult, I decided to get serious about my fitness. I exercised, watched what I ate and was able to lose 40 pounds. For the first time since I hit puberty, I was happy with my body. Shortly after that, I met and married the love of my life. I quickly became pregnant with my first child. I gained 55 pounds during that pregnancy. I went from 146 to 201 pounds. My daughter was born 12 days overdue via c-section. By my 6 week postpartum appointment, I had lost back down to 160. Not eager to have another pregnancy, I went on depo provera injections. I had a total of two injections. I gain 60 pounds while on the shots. My doctor urged me not to discontinue the shots and that the weight gain would level off. I decided that I'd risk hormone imbalance and pregnancy and never returned for a third injection. In the year following, my husband took a job as an over the road truck driver in an attempt to better our financial situation. Loneliness and depression took hold. Food became my comfort. I gained and additional 40 pounds. My weight slowly climbed over the next few years. Our attempts to have other children were complicated by the PCOS that I had developed as a result of the rapid weight gain. I resigned myself to the fact that I was only going to have one child. Years passed, I'd try the newest diet, lose a little weight then regain as soon as I stopped the diet. In 2008 I became pregnant much to my surprise. I had ballooned up to 330 pounds. I was devastated. I knew that being so overweight coupled with the health problems I had developed (high blood pressure, pre-diabetic) that my pregnancy was in jeopardy. I lost 30 pounds during my pregnancy. My high blood pressure became uncontrollable at 30 weeks. My son was delivered via emergency c-section 9 weeks premature. Once again, my old friend food was a comfort for me. I regained the 30 pounds lost during my pregnancy and another 50. Now with a young child at home, my concern turned to just how long I'd be able to be here for this child. I had developed sleep apnea. I worried that I might die in my sleep and that my toddler would be found at home alone when my daughter and husband returned from school and work. I couldn't allow that to happen. I had to get control of my health. I made the difficult and humbling decision to see a bariatric surgeon after my family doctor recommended that it would be a good option for me. It takes a lot of courage to sit in an office and look at a medical professional and say, I need help. I can't control my weight by myself. I did just that. I studied and went to countless seminars and met with 5 different bariatric practices in my area. I found the one that offered me the most support and aftercare and had the surgeon that I felt most comfortable with. It is the best decision I have ever made for myself and I don't regret it.
What was (is) the worst thing about being overweight?
For me it was many things. Hating myself for allowing my weight to get to the point I did. Watching my self esteem plummet and my marriage suffering from it. Hearing the nasty comments people would make. The stares I'd get when eating in a restaurant. Not fitting into a seat. Being afraid to sit somewhere because I didn't think the chair could hold me. Dreading doing everyday things because I knew I'd have to go outside the house where others could see me. I was always worried about how or if I smelled bad. The constant pain in my joints. Worrying that my kids would be judged because they have an overweight mom. Not being there to see my children grow up. Wondering if I'd stop breathing in the night. Wondering if I'd wake up the next day. The fear was probably the worst. I always described how being overweight felt like this, "I feel like I am standing at the bottom of a mountain. I have to get to the top. No matter how I struggle, I can't reach the top. I can't overcome this huge mass. It is standing in the way of my life. Then realizing that the mountain is me. I look into the mirror and I don't recognize the person staring back at me. When I close my eyes and imagine what I look like, the image in the mirror doesn't match what I see in my mind. I feel trapped. Like I am still me, just hidden underneath all the fat."
If you have had weight loss surgery already, what things do you most enjoy doing now that you weren't able to do before?
Going to the supermarket and not getting sweaty or winded while doing so. Putting on clothes that used to be tight and now they are loose and getting looser every day. Feeling more like myself. Being able to play with my kids. Just being more active in general. I used to love hiking. I look forward to being able to hike the way I used to. I'm not there yet but I know I'll get there. I have hope for my future that I didn't have when I was 387 pounds.
April M.
