Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I knew about bariatric surgery long before I realized that I needed and wanted it. Family members have had it, some many years ago, and I never really thought twice about it. (They were so big; who would blame them for taking the "easy" route, right?) I struggled with my weight for many years, but it has only gotten so out of control in the last three or so years. After I had my second baby I stopped living in denial about my health but I knew I couldn't do it on my own again. Too many times I have lost weight, struggled with each ounce, and then as soon as I let off the gas I gain it all back, plus some. I had been demoralized so many times that I couldn't bring myself to do it again. That's when I decided I needed to do this the right way, the best way, for me.
Back before I got married, I was determined to be a skinny bride. I went from about 180 (I'm not exactly sure what my highest weight was at that point because I was too afraid to weigh myself) down to 117 on the day of my wedding. That was about 18 months of busting my butt, walking and lifting weights, eating a low fat and low calorie diet. For a year and a half of struggle, toil, and sweat, I was a beautiful skinny bride. By the end of my honeymoon, I had already regained about 15 pounds. By the end of six months, I had gained the rest of it back. I was so depressed and disappointed in myself but I just couldn't stop eating. So much deprivation that my body revolted and I was along for the ride, like it or not.
Since then I have lost 10 pounds here, 25 pounds there, but always gaining it back in no time. One day I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine who has struggled with her weight for decades and she told me "I would never have gotten this fat if I had never dieted." At first I didn't understand (or believe) her, but I have come to realize that she was completely right, and that I have been in the same boat with her.
So now, after my second baby, with high cholesterol, a creaky hip, and an almost certain fate of diabetes, I have decided enough is enough. I'm fed up. (No pun intended. ; ) I want my life back. I want to be a participant in my kids' lives. I want to see food as fuel, not an escape within arm's reach. I want my kids to grow up in a home where food doesn't consume their thoughts. I want to go to the beach with them and actually play. I want to teach my girl how to do a cartwheel. I want to see my grandkids. I want to live.
What was (is) the worst thing about being overweight?
Living in this body with all its extra padding is the worst. The last 40 or so pounds that I have gained during my journey to insurance approval for surgery have really been noticeable to me. For one thing, personal hygiene is harder. Having kids took a toll on my body, and I'm having more difficulty with the daily "duties." I'll spare you the gory details but you ladies with kiddos probably know what I'm talking about. Putting on my underwear and pants has become challenge. It used to be a process I didn't even notice, and now, it's a maneuver that requires balance, finesse, and luck. Tieing my shoes? Ug. Trimming my toenails? Ug. Getting up out of bed or off the couch? Not easy. I feel like a normal size person wearing a fat suit.
I'm not so concerned with how strangers see me (or rather, how I always seem invisible to many people) but I do hate the criticism I have gotten (usually second-hand) from members of my family.
What really gets to me is that inside, I'm still me. The outside is different, but I am still me. I think that when people who have known me all my life see me now, they think because my outsides look different, that I'm not me in here. I look in the mirror and it is hard to see the old me, but I can see myself peeking out through my eyes. This probably makes sense to you, but wouldn't to someone who has not had this struggle.
If you have had weight loss surgery already, what things do you most enjoy doing now that you weren't able to do before?
I'm still waiting on that one important phone call that is going to change my life. Everything has been submitted to insurance, just waiting on the call from my surgeon.
Julie H.
