Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I was not overweight my entire life. I have however had a problem with food all my life. When I was young I can remember eating a lot of sugar. My grandma would send all us kids a See's candy egg on easter. They were huge divinity filled eggs covered in chocolate. I probably could have eaten all of mine in one sitting if my mother had allowed that. I can remember eating an entire box of candy in one sitting one year at Christmastime. I did get sick on that one! So I have always been a compulsive, binge eater but somehow managed to stay thin. I was not involved in sports or anything until high school when I was on the drill team. So I suppose genetically I was lucky all those years given what and how I ate.
I lost my mother when I was 12. Our house burned down in March, my Mom died 3 weeks later and my Dad (who had moved out when I was younger) got married in May. I had a life tsunami as I like to say! Everything I knew and loved got ripped away from me in a four month period of time. It was difficult, very difficult and I never got to talk about my Mom again when I went to live with my Dad and no one thought to send me to counseling or anything. It was the 70's. People just did not do that then but I sure needed it!
The weight caught up to me when I reached my early 20's.I joined the Navy for 4 years and got an eye opening life lesson or two! I suffered a major heartbreak from a relationship where I fell into a belief that I not worth anything, I was ugly etc... I bought all the garbage being thrown at me and just gave up caring about myself because I had no self esteem. I just wanted someone to love me and when I got rejected in such a painful way I believed it all and that makes me sad. I wish I loved myself enough back then to believe I was worth loving and special. It was a very painful time in my life and I became bitter toward men and was so unhappy. I made a choice to live in a sad place rather than choosing to be happy. I just did not have it in me back then.
I got out of the Navy and I got a very stressful, sedentary job where ordering pizza, eating cookies and candy was how I managed so survive my shift every day. (911 operator) As the stress multiplied, so did my measurements until I found my self suddenly at 200 pounds (from 170) after 1 year at my job. That did not shake any sense into me though and I continued to pile on the pounds reaching 250 in the next 2 years. I just stopped caring about myself and got lost in work, getting married and making a home (ie: lots of food for dinner and baking and all that homemaking kind of stuff)
As my weight kept creeping up I felt worse and worse until around 2003 when I started yet another diet. With the Atkins diet I was able to lose quite a bit of weight so I went from 280 ish down to 250 again but then went through a divorce and went off the rails. I met my current husband and was so happy with him that I began to ignore myself again. Eating was fun and exciting and I gained again getting all the way up to 309 in 2009. I found myself looking for a solution and my husband's insurance covered WLS. So, I began the process to have that done in December 2009. I went to all the meetings and did everything I was supposed to do except that one nagging little thing I could not manage. WEIGHT LOSS. I just could not drop the 5% of my weight so that made me think I was just not ready yet.
I am so glad I took a step back and really thought about what I wanted to do. I know everyone says their only regret is not doing the surgery sooner but honestly, I am glad I waited. This is not something to rush into headlong. This is a huge, huge, life changing event and I am so glad I became mentally prepared. I did several years of therapy beginning in 2008 and that really helped me tremendously. My excellent therapist was the positive voice in my head until I was able to take that job over myself and today I am happy to say I CAN!
I went back into the program again in January 2012. I lost the 5% of my weight and then some and did all the pre op tests again. I was happy to do it all because I knew I was on the right track. I had my surgery on May 23rd and everything went fine for me. I was in the hospital for one night and never had any pain meds beyond the ones I got coming out of surgery. I know I am maybe not the norm because my recovery was pretty easy and pain free. No drains, no pain pumps etc...
About a week after surgery, on my 7th day of the liquid only diet, I was out on a walk around my neighborhood and I burst into tears. I felt joy like no joy I have ever felt in my life before. The combination of no food and just feeling so much lighter made me weep. I have never had a feeling like that before. The sun was shining and I felt fully alive for the first time in my entire life. It has been worth every minute of struggle I have had since surgery (mostly mental!) and I have no regrets at all.
What was (is) the worst thing about being overweight?
Just the weight, physical and emotinal. It is very heavy.
If you have had weight loss surgery already, what things do you most enjoy doing now that you weren't able to do before?
I love to walk, do yoga and play in the snow. Every day is wonderful because I appreciate how much I can do and how different everything feels now. I dont ever want to take it for granted.
CathyO911
