Talullah

Obesity & Me

Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.

I've been heavy since the age of 5. If you look at my pictures when I was 4 years old I was a normal sized child, thin and cute. Then, you look at my pictures of me when I was 5 and I was a chub. My parents divorced when I was five and I don't know if that had anything to do with it and I've never gone into therapy to find out but you can see the obvious difference. I believe I was 10 when I went on my first diet. It was so hard. Especially in my little mind. I wondered why I had to eat differently when all my friends were not. It was always "why me?". As I got older I grew heavier. Every year a few more pounds but always more than my friends. And even my "friends" made fun of me sometimes. That hurt the most. The people you thought were your friends were hurting you just as much as anyone else. I was heavy in high school but I was very outgoing and I did have boyfriends and go to the formals and such but I knew I was still heavy. I tried weight watcher, the Cambridge diet, fasting....you name it. I was very athletic and I think that is what kept me from really ballooning. However, after high school, I wasn't so active and the weight really came on. I still dated but there were those guys who actually came out and said that they couldn't continue to see me because of my weight. I did illegal drugs to bring my weight down. Mainly, speed. It worked for a short time but I knew it wasn't the answer. I would get frustrated and then to mask my pain and frustration I would call up a friend and we would go shopping and then go out and have a nice meal and a few drinks. My first marriage was a disaster. The breakup of it wasn't due to my weight but me being in such a dysfunctional relationship in the first place was directly related to my weight and my self-esteem. I didn't start dating again for about 5-6 years and then I made sure that the men I went out with were aware of my size ahead of time. I put personal ads in the paper and described myself honestly. I met my second husband this way. I've never told my family but my close friends know. I guess I still hold on to that embarrassment. Like I couldn't go about it the normal way or something like that. I'm not sure. So, my husband marries me when I'm 245 lbs. and loves me for me. But, the problem is, I don't love me. I continue to gain weight. Especially after two more pregnancies. Finally, in 1998, while working for a health insurance company and seeing all these authorization requests for gastric bypass coming through, I began to consider the procedure for myself. Most of the case histories that came through seemed very close to home. Their (the patients') stories were my story also. I left that job and became a stay at home mom and I put on even more weight. I finally topped out at 280 lbs. and that was it! I was determined to NOT hit the 300 mark. I made up my mind. We had decent medical insurance and so I went to a seminar and started talking to people, gathering as much information on the different procedures as possible. Of course, my insurance company only contracted with certain physicians and, so, my choice of surgeons was limited. However, I found one that I really liked and set up a consultation. We went over all my co-morbidities, such as hypertension, depression, reflux, heartburn, diarrhea, degenerative joint disease, exercise induced asthma, and other minor but irritating problems. At the end of the appointment I scheduled the surgery. We didn't even have authorization yet but my surgeon assured me that that part would be taken care of. I was so worried. I didn't want to get myself worked up for nothing. Especially without an authorization. Food was all-consuming. I ate all the time. When I was bored, when I was reading, when I was checking my email, and family gathering were especially fun. There was always plenty of food but I hated having my picture taken(for obvious reasons). I just knew that diets were no longer a choice. My grandmother even offered to send me to weight watchers again if I decided against the surgery or if it didn't get approved. I just chuckled to myself. Food is my drug. It's harder to get a compulsive overeater to stop their bad habit than it is to get a heroine addict off the drug. My situation called for medical/surgical intervention. I'm only 5 weeks post-op but I would do it all over again. I've lost 28 lbs. and although I haven't lost as much as others at this point, I am confident I can do it. If anyone thinks that this is any EASY way out, they have not idea what they are talking about. You have to relearn how to eat. Your entire lifestyle changes...for the better.

What was (is) the worst thing about being overweight?

Besides all the feelings I had in the past, I think the worst thing about being overweight was the way I felt about myself. I never felt good enough....for anything. I have a very strong personality and I would hide behind that and make like I was okay with my body. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I didn't want to go to my husband's company functions because I thought I would embarrass him (even though I knew he really wanted me there). I didn't want to embarrass my daughter at school or at dance class. Some of those ballet moms can be quite snooty and all the more if you don't fit a certain image. All this just built up and sat on my shoulders like a big rock. I just want/ed to feel good about myself.

If you have had weight loss surgery already, what things do you most enjoy doing now that you weren't able to do before?

Well, I'm still holding off on climbing the trails at Yosemite, but I have more energy for the daily stuff. Laundry, washing dishes, cleaning the toddlers' room, just getting out and about.

How did you first find out about bariatric surgery and what were your initial impressions of it?

My first real encounter with bariatric surgery was while I was working in the HMO industry. I was in the authorization department. I would see the requests for Roux-en-Ys coming through and usually they were denied. I had to write those denial letters and I felt so bad for those patients. I knew them. I mean, in my heart, I KNEW them. They were me. At one point, I thought that bariatric surgery was so drastic and I couldn't imagine doing it. But, as I learned more about it I came to realize that it is sometimes a person's last chance at a healthy life. Just prior to my departure from my last position, I found out that a lot of those denials were now going to be overturned and approved. I was elated. It wasn't until almost a year later that I considered bariatric surgery for myself. From my first seminar to the actual surgery date was only about 8 weeks.

What was your stay in the hospital like? How long where you there? What things are most important to bring?

My stay in the hospital was fine except for my roommate's visitors. Other than that, it was a positive experience. I'm pretty tough and I had had a lap chole a few years back so I figured I was kind of prepared for the pain and discomfort I would feel after surgery. I went in on a Tuesday morning, had surgery around 1:30pm, was discharged that Thursday around 2:00pm. So, it was about a 48 hour stay. Having had three children and one other surgery, I knew to keep it minimal when packing a bag. I made sure to dress very comfortably and loosely when I checked in because I would wear those same clothes when going home. I took my toothbrush, warm socks (the hospital socks are not warm enough), hairbrush, hairclip, and a long bedjacket/robe. I knew I would be up and walking soon after surgery and I didn't want to walk the hallways with my rear hanging out. That's all I took. I slept when I wasn't walking or urinating (which I did a lot).

Did you have any complications from the surgery? If so, how did you deal with them?

No complications. I feel blessed because going in I knew what COULD go wrong.

In the weeks after you got your surgery date, how did you feel? How did you cope with any anxiety you might have felt?

My surgery date was schedule about 2 months from my consult visit. I wanted to make sure that my oldest daughter would be off track from school so she would be able to help me with my two toddlers. It worked out well. However, the first date was rescheduled because my surgeon was going to be at a conference. Then it was reschedule again because he came down with the flu. And when we reschedule it the second time they were giving me a date that was so far off I felt depressed. Then the surgeons office called me back right away and told me that had had a cancellation for the next day and would I like to take that day? I jumped on it. "Now or never", I thought. When we initially scheduled the surgery, my greatest worry had nothing to do with the procedure itself. I was so obsessed with gaining authorization. I worried about it every day. Authorization came just two days before the "second" surgery date. That actually comes out to 6 days before the day I actually went in. I was able to exhale at that time. How did I cope with my anxiety? I read. A lot. I read 3 Stephen King books in 8 weeks. It kept my mind busy. And, sad to say, I ate. Nervous eating. I just wanted it to happen and be done with. My family made me even more nervous. Finally, I had to limit my conversations with them. I didn't want to hear THEIR fears and anxieties and I didn't want to hear ANYMORE horror stories.

What aftercare support group/program do you have? How helpful/important is this?

There is a support group that meets once a month at the hospital where I had my surgery but I needed something more. I decided to search the web because I knew there had to be people out there just like me. And I was right. I have a friend who had surgery 3 months before I did and she says she doesn't feel the need for a support group. I guess I'm different. I like talking with other pre and post-op patients. I want to know how they felt, how they are doing, what is going through their mind as they recover. I'll talk with anyone about this surgery. The only people I don't really want to share this with is my husband's siblings. I just don't feel comfortable sharing this part of me with them, yet. For me, support of my peers is very important. I need to know that what I am experiencing isn't out of the norm. It feels great when someone says "Hey, that happened to me too!". I recommend a support group or website to anyone considering WLS or who has already had it. We need to support each other through this. Like I said before, it isn't easy. I think being alone makes it even more difficult.

What is your scar like? Is this what you expected?

My scar is just under 4" long and it is just as I expected. Since I'm only 5 weeks post-op, it is still a darker pink but it is all closed up and healed. I can still feel the healing going on inside of me though. Still a few sore spots. Nothing that gets in the way of any activity, though. Just when I turn a certain way I'll feel it. To me, my scar is irrelevent. It's almost like a battle wound. A battle I plan on winning.

Please describe any plateau experiences you have had since surgery.

At 4 weeks post, I just couldn't get beyond a 25 lb. weight loss. I became despondent. I was supposed to start off on solids slowly but I stayed on the liquid diet even longer because I was so obsessed about getting over that 25 lb. mark. I'm now 5 weeks post and I'm down 28 lbs. Nothing too significant, but I got over that little plateau. I know I plateaued because I wasn't moving enough. I have a cardioglide-type machine and I only use it occasionally because it makes that sore spot I still have feel worse. So, I like to go for walks and when I go grocery shopping I go to those HUGE grocery stores so I end up walking more. I'm at another plateau right now but I'm not obsessing about it the way I did the first time.

Do you notice people treating you any differently now?

Not really. I'm still pretty big so they aren't aware of any significant weight loss. My family can see it, though. I can feel it in the way my clothes fit and they way my thighs don't rub as much as they used to. I think I carry myself a little more straight than I used to. It comes with feeling better about yourself.
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