Question:
Am I being selfish by having this surgery?
I was so gung ho about this surgery, Now 15 day until my surgery date, I having anxiety attacks, not about the surgery itself but dying during or a few days after. I'm constantly worried about what will happen to my children. Is this normal? — Patsy Ross (posted on January 15, 2002)
January 15, 2002
Not having kids I worried about what my MO wife would do if I died from
surgery. Since I went first she would likely die afraid of surgery and with
no other option. Worry more about wether you will be around t see your kids
grow up. Read my profile,, I was scared silly. I have now lost 113 pounds,
and feel GREAT! You can do it too!
— bob-haller
January 15, 2002
You know, I felt that same way prior to the surgery. I think your mind
tends to wander and such when you are comming upon a major life decision
like this surgery. I know that I just had to tell myself that if I didn't
get this done, I would die anyway... maybe not in the real sense of the
word, but my life was going down hill fast, and I wanted to be able to
enjoy the time I did have, and live my life to the fullest. Look toward
your support systems for help in reassurance and love. This site is a
wonderful place to find it if you need us!
good luck, and remember you can think about yourself every once in a
while...it doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human!
— Marni R.
January 15, 2002
The answer is YES, but what is wrong with that?? I feel like I was totally
selfish for having my surgery. But you know what, for once in my life, I
did something for me. Something selfish for me. Best thing I ever did.
— Navywife B.
January 15, 2002
I was excited and could hardly wait for the operation.
My mother, on the other hand, was really really upset with
me for even thinking of having this surgery. She was afraid
I would either die on the table or lose so much weight I'd
get Anorexia and die. Even my daughter was thinking the same
thing. I'm one year post-op and still here have certainly
haven't died of Anorexia. Lost 100 lbs. I'll be 55 tomorrow,
but I'll always be 27 in my heart. Good luck ... you are
normal for worrying, but you will live much longer if you
have the operation.
— [Anonymous]
January 15, 2002
Selfish? No! I done it for my children as well as myself! I can already
do more with them than I could before... only 5 weeks post op ! I worried
about dying too, but I worried more about dying from being MO.. weigh your
pros and cons.. good luck to you!
— Elizabeth D.
January 15, 2002
If I had not had this surgery I think I would have been dead from all my
co-morbidities in 10 years. I am 45, have 3 children (28, 18, and 15)and am
married to a great guy. We talked and talked and talked about this surgery
and what the risks were, what would happen if I died, etc. My insurance
would not cover the surgery (the trashy dogs) so we borrowed money from the
bank to pay for it. That was the ONLY thing I felt selfish about. We still
have two to get through college, two weddings, etc. I asked my husband how
we would pay for that when the time comes and he said not to worry that he
just wanted me here when those events happened! You are saving your life,
and isn't it time you did something just for you!?! Good luck!
— esthjb
January 15, 2002
Dear Patsy,
Your question is a very normal one and I asked myself that over and over.
My main reason for having this surgery was so that I could be a better
mother. I couldn't stand how much I was avoiding doing because of my
weight. I was either too tired to do anything or I was too humiliated to go
out and do things with them. Then when it came time for the surgery I
started to feel guilty that I was being selfish because I was taking a
risk, I was taking care of myself, and for awhile they would have to rely
on other people to do things for them. When I had complications my guilt
really went into high gear until a friend slapped me back to my senses. Now
that I am almost three months post op and feeling very good I can tell you
without a doubt your children will benefit as much as you do from this
surgery. Your job is to find the best surgeon you can and to start taking
care of yourself. Miracles will happen. Also beginning to practice
selfishness will become easier and will also benefit your children. It
feels strange at first but everyone deserves the time and investment in
themselves, especially when they are in an intense caretaking roll.Best of
luck.
— lori T.
January 15, 2002
Hi Patsy,
Your fears are normal. Whats wrong with being a little selfish anyways?
Is it wrong to want to be here 10 years from now? Is it wrong to want to be
able to do the things normal people do with their kids? I dont think so. 3
days ago I took mydaughter to the park. I was able to really play with
her..chase her down the slides and we had a blast.I couldnt do that with my
boys..and Im so glad surgery has given me another chance to be the mother
my kids deserve. Thats not being selfish..its called living :)
— Eva C.
January 15, 2002
Hi Patsy, I am pre-op so I dont have as much insight as the previous
posters, but have had the same thought as you off and on regarding be
selfish, or not putting my family first. I agree with the other posters
your health has to be priority one, being sick, not healthy, not able to
participate with your family is harmful or sad within itself.
But I define selfish at this point of my journey if I were NOT to do all my
research, and self education to this process or procedure. It would be
selfish to NOT fully inform my darlin husband and family the changes I will
be going through and the extent of the recovery process. It would be
selfish to NOT follow my doctors instructions to the letter. It would be
selfish NOT to completely committ to a lifestyle change and NOT allow this
tool to be successful.
But to preserve my health, prolong my life, so that I can be the best wife,
mother, daughter, sister, friend, is NOT BEING SELFISH!
I wish you the best,
— Nene B.
January 16, 2002
Having surgery to improve your health is not a selfish act. If you die
from surgery, yes, it will be tragic and difficult for your family and
friends to deal with. But remember, you are more likely to die from your
MO than from the surgery. If you're feeling selfish about this, consider
what they tell you on airplanes.. in the event the oxygen masks drop you
are to put your own on first, then assist small children or others around
you. Is that being selfish?? Nope.. it's smart.. sometimes you have to
take care of yourself FIRST in order to be of any good to anyone else.
Good luck!
— BethVBG
January 17, 2002
I think it is very normal to have these fears. I too questioned if I was
doing a selfish thing having this surgery. I realized that even though
this was for me it was also for my family. Now 9 days post-op and doing
great I know that this was the best thing that I could have done for all of
us because it helps to ensure that I will be around to see them grow up and
to enjoy there children also. I'm glad that I decided that it would be
more selfish if I did'nt have the surgery. You will do just great!!
Vicki Mize
— vmize
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