Question:
I'm 8 months postop, down over 100 pounds, and I sense a different

emotional feeling from my husband--almost a distance which was not there before. I would think it would be just the opposite--I'm more "normal" looking, can do more, feel better about myself, etc. Anyone else have this problem?    — [Anonymous] (posted on March 6, 2000)

March 6, 2000
Well, now that Ava Lee said everything I would have said....LOL...I just have one thing to add. If your partner is also overweight, (and this can go for anyone such as a parent, friend, child, whomever), the fact that YOU are losing weight may make them feel that it's not OK for them to be heavy anymore. If there are 10 of us in a family, and we're all overweight, then it's OK for all of us to eat whatever we want and/or to stay heave, right? But if one of the 10 gets skinny, everyone is forced to reevaluate themselves, their relationship to the skinny one, their relationships to the other heavy ones, their relationship to the 'world', etc. It's not always evident to people that they are having these feelings. Our weight is our insulation, in more ways than one. One of my favorite sayings is that we need to peel the onion, cry the tears as we work through the layers, and find out what's in the center of that onion! Good luck, and God bless! Jaye Carl, open proximal RNY 7-29-99, 95 pounds gone forever!
   — Jaye C.

March 6, 2000
I wonder if the new you (loss of weight)is threatening to him as far as your wants and desires especially if he also is heavy. Discuss those fears with him... Maybe he feels you will get so attractive you will not want him any longer and look else where, he may have been comfortable with the old you. (bare foot and pregnant syndrome) Discuss the fears with him also, reassuring him however possible... Then again some men like heavy women..My husband did still does.. umm too bad.. he'll get used to the new me.. ;-)
   — Victoria B.

March 6, 2000
Although I'm still preop, I'm looking forward to reading the responses from the post-ops. I am widowed and wonder how I will deal with all the male attention I will reecive in the future. I have heard "such a pretty face" my whole life, but I don't want to prejudge the actions of others. For example, I have a few single male friends whom I have known 20+ years. They know about my surgery and are supportive. What if one of these friends shows a romantic/physical attraction to me down the road? I don't think it would be very fair to automatically judge them as being shallow when I know how deeply they care for and have cared about me as a person. Maybe that doesn't make sense. And I apologize for infringing on your question. Ava and Jaye have offered some excellent responses. Perhaps your husband is just insecure about the new you and needs some reaffirmation of love and comittment. Best of luck to the two of you!
   — [Deactivated Member]

June 15, 2000
I'd like to comment but don't know that you will like my answer. I have been both 20 pounds over ideal weight and now clinically obese. I have been seeing a psycologist for many years to aide me in dealing with many emotional issues. One of the reasons your husband has turned a cold shoulder is due to insecurity. All this time he has felt secure in thinking that due to your obesity you could not or would not be "going anywhere". Now that you have a chance at a "normal" life he is afraid of what the future may hold for HIM,,,not you..A healthy relationship in my opinion should also contain devotion,,devoted to one anothers health should be on that list of priorties. At the very onset of looking into WLS and asking if it was right for "YOU",,,not anyone else.My appt with my surgeon is in 4 days. I am told that the question of "Who am I wanting the surgery for" will be asked me. If I lie to him,,,I lie to myself..I think you need to ask yourself that question.If you answer for "yourself" then do it and let them deal with it themselves then deal with it together.I am a mother of 4 and grammy to 5,,,,it is "MY" turn to think about myself..."ACCEPT ME AS I AM AND HOW I WANT TO BE".... I deserve to have a HEALTHY,HAPPY life...Not one of pity~~
   — Violet K.

June 15, 2000
You betcha! I've always had my suspicions that my husband's disinterest in me had nothing to do with my weight (back in my anorectic days, when I weighed 127 pounds and we'd been married for less than a year, he wasn't exactly chasing me around the house), and now that I'm almost 9 weeks post-op and 60 pounds lighter, it seems to be the case. Oh, well -- I didn't have this surgery for him, I had it for me, so there! If he doesn't find me attractive anymore, his loss, not mine, and I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. But it does hurt, still ... when I asked him if he was proud of me for losing 60 pounds in 56 days, he said, "sure, but it's not like you don't have a hell of a lot more to go". MEN! Courage, my sister, you are doing the right thing!!!
   — Cheryl Denomy

August 10, 2001
No one here has mentioned marriage counseling. This may not be a BIG problem, but the littlest problems can turn into things that can damage a marriage. It wouldn't hurt to try some counseling. I would hate to think I'm risking my marriage just because I wanted to lose some weight. Good luck!
   — Pamula T.