Question:
Does your mate treat you better after WLS?

Sometimes i feel inadequate in front of my husband and think that he is not as attracted to me because of my weight and i wonder will he treat me different after the wls. Has that happened to anyone and how do you feel with being treated better after the wls.    — YOLANDA P. (posted on September 8, 2002)

September 8, 2002
Well, my husband and I have had problems LONG before my weight loss surgery...and I can't say they have gotten any better. In seven months, only ONCE (after prodding) has he told me I look good. He used to NEVER have any interest in sex and now that I've dropped weight, he wants some. Interesting, huh? It hurts my feelings. Although I will say he married me when I was heavy and has never made me feel inadequate because I was...but gosh, I've lost 135 pounds and he acts like he doesn't notice....unless he notices ANOTHER man looking at me, and then he gets all crabby and wants to "fight" him, if you can believe that. I complained about our relationship once on the boards here and someone e-mailed me and said "WLS makes good marriages better and bad marriages worse". My two cents: if he treats you better or likes you better AFTER surgery, then he isn't the one for you. Only a true love wouldn't care and would treat you the same pre-surgery as post-surgery. Good luck.
   — Paula Prichard

September 8, 2002
My STRONG opinion on that is: If a guy doesn't treat you right, or love you WITH the weight, he's not worth it when you LOSE the weight, because REAL love is within not how you look.
   — ZZ S.

September 8, 2002
My husband doesn't treat me differently after WLS, but I think our relationship has been enhanced. Because we sorta went (and are still going) through this together. We exercise together (hiking, bike riding, go to the gym, jog) and we enjoy it. We do my measurements together and he is always cheering me on for every pound lost. He harrasses me into taking my vitamins (I'm really bad at that and he knows it!) and he helps me fasten my jeans that I'm trying on (you know, the toooooo tight ones, that I just gotta try to fasten up laying down on the bed!). I'm really lucky because I'm truly with my soul mate. You might be too. He treated me good before WLS too...but I was so unhappy that I didn't notice it like I do now. It is hard to be in a satisfying relationship when one of the parties is feeling miserable physically, mentally and otherwise. MO did that to my personality...I'm not saying that everyone is miserable due to MO. But I was. I hope things work out for you. The best of luck with your surgery and in everything you do.
   — A. S.

September 8, 2002
The man.. and I use the term loosely... I was dating as a pre op and up until I was a few months post op really showed how insecure he was... I thought I had a strong, confident man... and it turned out he was very jealous of my progress and was not very supportive... The strength and confidence I was looking for in him... I realized I had it in me all the while :-) Be good to yourself...
   — California J.

September 8, 2002
This is a complicated question and you have already gotten several good answers. I have another take on it. I met my husband when I was *normal* sized and we married, after 3 kids I gained 150lbs. I wasn't the woman he married on the outside, but he loved the woman on the inside. Did he like that I was heavy, NO, was he worried about my health, YES, was he embarrassed by me, yes. Could we do things as a family, not alot. I think a pat answer of they should love you anyway you are is to simple. Before my surgery we had a great sex life, but he always bothered me to diet. He would say things like that face doesn't go with that body. It hurt but you know what, I felt the same way. At my heaviest, I wanted to diet, I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to look better, so why should I expect him to feel differently. Our marriage is 100X better after my surgery. He loves it and is very proud of me.
   — Debi V.

September 8, 2002
My situation is like Debi's, just without the kids. My husband married a size 10 and then watched me gain 100 pounds. He, on the other hand, looked like the cover of Muscle and Fitness the day we got married and still looks like that today. He takes great pride in his appearance and felt very helpless to watch me gain so much weight. Our marriage was in bad shape as he expressed his frustrations to me over my weight gain, which depressed me and made me turn to food for comfort-viscious cycle. Today, after 77 pounds, he likes to call me "a work in progress". He saw me fail at so many diets, I think he's afraid to compliment me for fear I will gain the weight back. I, on the other hand, am very happy with progress to date! Look at it this way, if your spouse gained 100 + pounds, would you be as attracted towards him? I could honestly say NO. I'd still love him, but would not be attracted to him in the same way. Honest answer.
   — Cindy R.

September 9, 2002
My husband met me at 350 pounds. Over the course of our marriage (5 yrs. ago), I gained up to 407 lbs. Jeff has a heart of gold and was always very affectionate and loving toward me, even as I entered the "super morbidly obese" category. Before surgery, I would often ask him, "Do you think you will be more attracted to me after I lose the weight?" I was so afraid he would say, "Yes!" because I already felt bad enough about myself and would have considered this the ultimate rejection. Instead, Jeff answered, "I really don't know. I know that I am attracted toward you now ... I don't know how it could possibly be any better." Interestingly, I have now lost 191 lbs. and am seeing major differences in the way Jeff treats me. He does little things that make me know he is more attracted to me, i.e. puts his hand in my back pockets, kisses me spontaneously in public, talks about me with his friends, shares his sexual fantasies more openly, etc. Has it made a big difference in our relationship? Yes. Our relationship has gone from good to phenomenal. Our trust level has increased. He invests more in me, because he knows I'm going to be around for a long, long time. He loves my new energy level and my ability to go on long walks with him and work out at the gym, etc. In short, our relationship has improved, but not necessarily because I have a better body. No, I think it has more to do with my activity level and confidence. He loves that I am more able to fully participate in life, and this is sexy to him. Hope my answer helps --
   — Terissa R.