Question:
Should I tell my parents

I am 23 years old and I'm having a lap gbs done September 25, 2002. I am very nervous about telling my parents. As a matter of fact I'm not planning to tell them. I had two surgeries last year and when my fiance told them how I was post op they just yelled at him. Then I thought well, okay so I called, bad move they just yelled then too. They didn't come see me or call me the entire time I was recouperating. I had both a hysterectomy and an appendectomy just two weeks apart. Any thoughts?    — Rachel W. (posted on August 21, 2002)

August 21, 2002
Dear Rachel: In this case, it comes down to your relationship with your parents versus your desire to be a 'good child' and tell them what you are up to. At 35, my parents are a still an integral part of my daily life (and no, I don't live at home..LOL)and they are my biggest cheerleaders. I could not do anything major in my life without making them part of it. You need to be concerned about getting through surgery and recovery with as little stress as possible, if this means not letting the 'cat out of the bag' until afterward, then that's what you have to do. Whatever you choose, do it for yourself.. not for anyone else. They may surprise you.. and if you're worried about getting yelled at.. why not write them a letter? Tell them what you are doing, explain the process and give them some information so they can learn about it if they chose. They may just surprise you.. but that's not for me to know. Good luck and God bless you. ~Peace
   — Joscelin

August 21, 2002
Rachel...boy have you been through a lot lately...surgeries, engagements, fights with parents...my heart goes out to you. I think that it is healthy to be scared because, of course, life is one hundred percent fatal--no one gets to live here forever. If you don't feel you can tell your parents, don't! but make sure that you have a clear power of attorney for health care and finances who can make decisions for you if there are any glitches. Also, you might want to write a letter for your parents in case the worst should happen (which it won't) so that you can calmly tell them whatever you might wish them to know. Remember focus on your health and well being. Does your doctor have a pre-op/post-op support group? It would be good to connect with some of those folks so that you have your own cheering section. Oh, and if your parents are going to find out from someone else by accident, it would probably be better to tell them...a letter would be fine. If they start lobbing missiles...change your phone number or call screen but you can also very politely say, "I'm sorry that you are unhappy about this choice that I've made. I'm telling you because you have a right to know. Here is detailed information about the surgery. If wish to support me in this decision, then be positive about it and the outcome; otherwise, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. It is my health and happiness and I hope that you can be supportive but if you can't be then I may have to exclude you from my life for a while. It is completely up to you." Then move on to another topic. I'd give it two tries (no tears, no yelling back, no profanity) and then I'd move on till I was stronger. I think that you sound sensible enough to make a good decisions. Good luck! Katherine
   — Katherine M.

August 22, 2002
The other posters have some great advice. I did not tell my parents before surgery because I didn't want them to worry-they are in their 70's. Besides, they had seen me gain, lose, gain, a million times and I didn't want to hear any criticism prior to surgery. Luckily, we don't live in the same state, so it was easy to have the surgery without them knowing. Well, when I paid a visit to them 3 months and 50 pounds later, I sat them down and explained what I had done. I had downloaded several articles for them to read. They were very supportive. From what you have told us, I don't understand why your parents would "yell" after you have had needed surgery. And fail to visit you? Sounds like the relationship is not a good one, and that is something you do not need in your life as you are preparing for and adjusting to life after WLS.
   — Cindy R.

August 22, 2002
Rachel, I don't plan on telling my mother, sister, or in-laws. It sounds like your folks are very negative people (as are my relatives) and negativity is bad for the healing process. This surgery is my personal business and I will choose whom I want to tell. I don't live in the same town as they do so it won't be hard. Make your decision, stick by it, and feel good about it! Good Luck!
   — Patty.W

August 22, 2002
Hi... Over a year ago I began the search for info on WLS. I did not tell my parents about it as I wanted to be sure of where it was heading (that was in June 2001). My father passed away last August (today in fact) never knowing. My Mom was in a nursing facility and I just did not want to worry her so when I had surgery this April I did not tell her until 6 wks later when I went to visit her. She was a little ticked at me stating she could have "lost" me and not known but I truly felt it was better. But I did go spend a lot of time with her the weekend before surgery as much for me as for her and I'm glad I did. I used my WLS info giving powers on a need to know basis until everything had gone well and now I tell everyone. : ) My best to you.
   — AJC750

August 22, 2002
WOW Rachel--you have gotten some great answers from people, Kathrine was so on the ball with her answer. I too was very afraid to tell my family. I almost lost my life about a year ago in surgery and I just knew if I told my parents (especially my father)they would be so worried and unsupportive. I chose to not tell them but last week because I am very close to them I told my mother. BUT! I only told her the surface of the surgery and nothing more. I have read your question and it does seem like there is more of an underlying issue then just telling your parents about surgery. I had to make a decision, who is it going to be healthier to make happy in my life--Me? or My Parents? When you answer that question, it won't be the easiest thing you do but it will make more sense to you and you will know in your heart what you decide will be the right thing--FOR YOU! Good Luck--Melissa
   — MELISSA M.

August 22, 2002
My family has made so many harsh and/or unkind comments to me over the years that when I was considering surgery, I decided not to tell my family (mom, dad & sister). Part of me wanted to because I love them but then again, I was really angry at them for their years of insensitivity. Part of me wanted to lose all this weight and go to visit my mom at Thanksgiving time, without having told her about surgery, and show up at her house with my "surprise!" So I had the surgery on May 3rd, and I had complications both during and after surgery. I wished I could have called them from the hospital but I didn't want to put them in a panic so I still didn't reach out to them. About 3 weeks post-op, I broke down and told my sister. I didn't know what to expect (at one point I told her about my weight bothering me and she said, "you're not going to get that surgery are you?" and I said "no") from her. She was disappointed that I didn't tell her before but she was totally supportive. After talking to her, I then called my mom and told her. Again, I didn't know what to expect and the same thing happened: she was disappointed I didn't tell her earlier but she was totally supportive! My dad was in Italy for 3 months so I wasn't able to tell him until after he returned, when I was about 6 weeks post-op. Again, he was disappointed I hadn't told him sooner but he was also very supportive. Sorry so long-winded! Anyway, here the people who had said terrible things to me for years and really made me feel rotten, suddenly were 100% with the choice I had made for myself. I only wish I had felt closer to them Before so I could have told them. But oh well, life goes on and it just keeps getting better and better. :o)
   — Jennifer A.

August 22, 2002
The bottom line is that you are a grown-up. You are their child but not A child. You know them. If their response is going to add stress, tell 'em later. I had surgery in June and told about five people, including my aunt, uncle, former stepfather and two friends. I only told people I believed would be supportive...not meaning they agreed with everything, but wouldn't "bother" me about my decision. I had enough support without having to deal with the naysayers!
   — Pamela B.

August 23, 2002
I wasn't going to tell my parents because of how I thought THEY would react -- but I'm so glad I did! Once they got some of their own information (on line and coming to pre-op supprt group), they were supportive - even took care of 2 of my kids out of town for the 2 1/2 weeks postop! You have been through a lot with and without your parents. Only you know the kind of relationship you have with them. Seems to me at age 23 there are LOTS of issues you have with them. Maybe a little adult-to-adult communication will help the relationship along (as long as you areen't looking for their approval).
   — Marti R.

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