Question:
Has anyone encountered problems with their friends regarding decision to have surgery

I have a few "friends/coworkers" who actually are upset at me for having a VBG. They refused to call me at the hospital or at home to see how I was doing. I am 3 weeks post-op and have been attending a work related class on Mondays since coming home from hospital. I am constantly questioned at to why I eat this or why do I do that! I feel like I am under constant scrutiny and I have even told by these people that I am just lazy, and need to push myself away from the table, and that I purposely gained weight to have the surgery. Why would people be so non-supportive like this?    — Patricia H. (posted on April 1, 2002)

April 1, 2002
Patricia, When I was in the initial "learning" stage of my options regarding weight loss surgery, a few of my co-workers/friends said that anyone who had that type of major surgical intervention was out of their mind. Unfortunately, I did let their opinions affect mine a bit too. I had a surgical consult scheduled and I canceled it because I just knew I would be able to lose weight in the conventional way as long as I tried really heard. Well, here I am one year later...and about 20 pounds heavier because dieting just DOES NOT WORK!!! For your "friends" who believe that obesity has everything to do with will power and the ability to "push yourself away from the table", ask them this: Tell me this.. if I were dying of cancer, would you be telling me the same thing?" For some reason, people don't seem to understand that obesity is NOT a preference. It is NOT something that is easily controlled. If it were, there would not be almost 78 THOUSAND members on this website! It is a disease, like any other and you should not have to explain to anyone why you have chosen to deal with your disease to make your life better. One word of advice from me.... find new friends. As for your coworkers, tell them you don't want to discuss your personal life with them. When they see how wonderful you look in a few months time and start to comment on how GREAT you look, maybe they will have a change of heart. Until then, excise them from your life. You don't need the negativity. You have done a very courageous thing and if they are too stupid or insensitive to see that, then they aren't worth your valuable time. Live life.. love life.. love yourself! Keep your chin up!!!
   — KathieInHawaii

April 1, 2002
I had friends like that. They showed a lot of negativity during my research phases. I chose to keep surgery a secret because they made me feel so bad. Now 8 months post op and 140 pounds gone and neither of them even speak to me. I say "good riddance"
   — Courtney W.

April 1, 2002
Unfortunately, a fact of life is that some people are so insecure that they need to feel they are superior to others, and who better to feel superior to than "fat people." This type of person doesn't want you to succeed because they feel that you'll be perceived as prettier, more successful, happier, etc. The sad truth is that they're not friends and will just bring you down. It's never easy, but dump 'em and surround yourself with positive people. It's just healthier all around.
   — Leslie F.

April 1, 2002
Well, I am only to the point of having made an appt w/my primary doc.(but this WILL happen!) My husband AND mother support me 100%...but no one else KNOWS...I "worry" about what is happening to you right now... on the one hand "#*&^%$ 'em".. but on the other, why can't the ones I know and love support me? You are brave . It's hard... and I'm not even "there" yet...God bless you!
   — Debby M.

April 1, 2002
I think that these people may be sad at the loss of the old fat you. I remember when I was in high school, I heard 2 girls talking in the girls locker room, they were saying 'well at least Im not fat and disgusting like Terri.' I graduated high school in 1987...so it is something I have not forgotten, it really hurt. The point is that they judged themselves using me as a measure and heck they couldn't lose!!! Thin people may be "blessed" in size but when it comes to class, there is no dividing line. Hold your head high and enjoy your life to the fullest and to heck with them....they will unfortunately because of their own low self esteem find another person with a visable flaw to take your place. And on another note, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that no matter what your weight, you will be a woman of class and will respect people of all sizes (cause you've been there)!!! BEST OF LUCK TO YOU!!
   — cherokey55

April 1, 2002
If these are the types of comments that they make to you, I think it's time you find some new friends!! Even if people didn't agree with what I did, once they saw I was successful they admitted they were wrong (particularily when they saw me exercising and eating right). The surgery is only a tool but you still have to do things to make it successful. And as far as someone calling me "lazy and just needing to push myself away from the table" I would have told them off in a heartbeat!! That is completely uncalled for and rude and that's what I would have told them (except in a MUCH nastier way!!). Good luck to you.
   — Patty H.

April 1, 2002
Leslie F. is absolutely right. Some people want to feel superior to others, and these "friends" of yours probably can't stand the fact that you might one day be "better" than them (based on their silly criteria). I'm still pre-op, but I had read a lot about this problem before my surgery was scheduled, and I decided to tell a very few people. I told my (small) family, and I do have a cousin who is pissed off. I told one friend, and she has been very supportive. And I told my co-workers that I'm having my gallbladder removed (which is true). I know at some point I'll probably have to (or want to) tell everyone about my surgery, but I'm not going to have this stressful time pre-surgery be made even more stressful by telling others who might not understand. I say tell your friends you don't appreciate their attitude and if they don't shape up, you won't have anything to do with them again. As far as co-workers go, maybe find a new job, if at all possible? At least make it clear that your surgery is no longer a topic of discussion.
   — Kristie B.

April 1, 2002
I understand exactly what you are talking about. I am not telling a lot people about my upcoming surgery. I have notice some negative comments from family and friends. That is when I decided not to tell anyone else regarding my decision.
   — CAROL C.