Question:
Help I can't let go
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me 2 weeks before surgery. I am now 8 weeks post-op..feeling better and he wants me to move. (We live together and its his house!) The break up before surgery was so sudden and with no warning and I put it aside so that I could prepare emotionally for the surgery...and now I am having a VERY difficult time dealing with this. I am feeling like a desperate, emotional mess. I keep thinking this is all because of the surgery and he says its not. I keep asking him to give me another chance..and I have been crying myself to sleep every night. I really feel like I am losing it! This is a time when I should be feeling GREAT about myself..and the rejection from him is soo painful I feel VERY depressed alll the time. HELP! This is the man I thought I would marry and I still feel like he is "the one for me!" I just don't want to let go! — Lisa L. (posted on December 18, 2002)
December 17, 2002
Is he MO or close to it? Men dont get WLS nearly as often as women and he
may feel threatened.
— bob-haller
December 18, 2002
Yes he is MO about 100lbs overweight. But he still insists that it is
other things and that the surgery has nothing to do with this.
— Lisa L.
December 18, 2002
I am so sorry that you are going through a heartbreak at what should be
such a joyous time for you. Unfortunately, you have to let go. You can't
force someone to change their mind. If it's meant to be in the future, it
will be. Take this time now to celebrate yourself and your journey. Turn
your entire focus on to you! You deserve it! What a courageous step
you've taken on the road to a new life. Start a gratitude journal...write
down three things every day that you are greatful for. Keep an exercise
log....and reward yourself at weight loss intervals. Be selfish! You
deserve this time for JUST YOU. Time will help heal the wounds of your
heart...so just try to turn your full attention onto you. Good luck and
God bless!
— Nichole S.
December 18, 2002
Hi Sweetie...What a horrible thing to have happen to you when you're having
to deal with the combined stress of being a recent post op and the holiday
season. I know it's hard, but you must get yourself out of that house
ASAP. Is there not a friend or a relative near by who could take you in,
until you can get back on your feet? Please try not to plead with this guy
to take you back, no matter how hard it may be to resist doing just that.
Get out NOW with as much dignity as you can, and resolve to make 2003 a
great year in which you find lasting love with someone who wouldn't dream
of leaving you as you undergo a life-changing ordeal, such as WLS. Good
luck to you; please keep us posted...
— rebeccamayhew
December 18, 2002
Lisa, It's difficult to go through a breakup that you don't want, but your
emotional reaction is being compounded by the fact that you've recently had
surgery. It's typical to go through a period of depression after WLS so
that's probably why you feel you're 'losing it' since you're having to deal
w/ both major things at once. Talk to your doctor about how you're
feeling. Maybe he can give you something that can help you over this hard
part so you can move on. You REALLY don't need someone who would desert
you before a major event like this! {{{Hugs}}} to you.
— mom2jtx3
December 18, 2002
Dear Lisa...sometimes the timing on things totally sux! My husband of 4
years decided that once I was diagnosed with a chronic illness
(fibromyalgia), and once my entire family of 7 people decided to ostracize
me and not speak to me (I had decided it was time to report childhood abuse
from a family member, and this was their reaction)....that this was the
PERFECT time to tell me he was in love with someone he worked with and was
leaving me. I felt totally out in left field, totally devastated. My
solution was to move across country (from MA to CA...and I did a few months
later), but I first had to spend a week in a hospital because I got so
depressed and basically did not want to go on living. Lisa, you are in
such a vulnerable place right now...newly post-op, which has its own
depression to go with it, and now this abandonment by your boyfriend/future
fiance. What I would do if I was in your shoes...I would put all my stuff
in storage, not look for an apt. but try to find a family member or friend
to move in with at least for a few months, so you can get back on your feet
emotionally and physically. Also, and this is VERY important, find a
therapist to help you through this difficult time. This can be the
beginning of a wonderful change in your life (and you're right...you should
be feeling great about yourself right now), or it can be a distastrous
downturn. Sweetie, I have been there and I know how feeling this kind of
rejection can make you feel like the sun has been blotted out from the sky
and your whole world is disintegrating. Please let us know how you're
doing...please find some help, and don't try to go this alone. Email me
[email protected] Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
December 18, 2002
This may have been brewing for a while and he just waited to tell you.
Granted, his timing sucks!! However, think about it like this... If he
never told you WHY he wanted to break up, WHY would you want to be with
him?? Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with
you?? You will find as you get thinner, you will attract a LOT of
attention from men. This man is NOT worth your time and effort. He
obviously does NOT love you and as much as it hurts you, you need to start
accepting this fact and move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and
you will eventually find the man who will treat you well and love you for
you. Also, if he tries to come back to you when your thin, boot his sorry
butt to the curb because your don't need him!!!!
— Patty H.
December 18, 2002
Lisa, you need to put some distance between you and your boyfriend. You
will never be able to think clearly while still living in the same house
with him. And stop asking him to give you another chance..do you really
want to be with someone who is not supportive and loving and kind to you?
Try HARD to focus on you and your needs at this time. The rejection will
continue to hurt for a while, but trust me, there is light at the end of
the tunnel. After a 7 year relationship which I thought would end in
marriage, it did not, and I was devastated. This was pre-op and depression
set in. So, alone in my house (I rejected everyone), I ate my way to
another 50 pound gain, until a few months later, something clicked and I
got over it-just moved on. A year later I met my husband. I look back on
the experience, and kick myself in the butt for hanging in there for 7
years and for letting the rejection cause me to be self-destructive.
Sweetie, your self-esteem and self-worth and pride are more important than
any man. So dig down inside and move on with some dignity-your so worth
it..
— Cindy R.
December 18, 2002
I am sitting at work and I am listening to Bonnie Raitt sing "I can't
make you love me, I can't make your heart feel something it won't" and
I am afraid she is right. You need to move, live without him. I know it
must be incredibly hard. However, if my husband were to come home tomorrow
and say the same thing- I know I would not fight to change his mind, as it
is his heart that wouldn't be with me and if his heart wasn't with ME, or
US then I don't want him. I would get counseling - alone. Work on Lisa
for a while, deal with your pain.
— Karen R.
December 18, 2002
First of all, let me say that I am so sorry you are being put through this
right now. This guy should at least be decent enough to let you recover
from surgery before he drops this on you. That alone should tell you that
he really isn't good enough for you. Secondly, you are so new post-op that
you are likely depressed anyway right now from the surgery, lack of food,
and the process of breaking your old addiction to food. You should probably
put some distance between you and this guy as soon as possible. You don't
need baggage from a bad relationship adding to all that you have to deal
with right now. I know it is hard right now, but look toward the future.
You have comitted to making massive, permanent, life altering changes when
you comitted to this surgery. I have a feeling this guy is gonna change his
tune when he sees you a year from now, slim, trim, and healthy. Then it
will be your turn to let him know that you have better options than him!
Hang in there, focus on the future, and focus on what is best for you.
Replace him with healthy hobbies, exercise, and social activities. Trust
me, you will find a guy that loves you more in no time at all. When you
feel good about yourself, it is easy to find someone who feels good about
being with you. Work on you right now. Good luck, and congratulations on
your new life. Things are gonna be great, you just gotta beleive in
yourself. You are about to start an amazing journey of self transformation,
so enjoy the ride and don't let this guy foul up 1 minute of it! :)
— Greg P.
December 26, 2002
Your boyfriend will regret the day when he broke up with you. As you start
losing the weight, your confidence level will go up and you won't be
ashamed or afraid to meet other men. Right now, he's safe with you being
heavy, because who's going to want to date a fat woman? Do on with your
life and be very proud of what you've done for yourself. Keep an upper
chin!
— dolphins94
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