Question:
Help my boyfriend wants to break up 3weeks before surgery!!
My boyfriend and I live together and have been togehter for over 2 years. I think that he is scared that I will become skinny and leave him. He says that this is not it...but all of a sudden this has come up?? Has anyone else had this problem when your surgery finally became a reality?? My date is Oct 14 — Lisa L. (posted on September 20, 2002)
September 20, 2002
If he is that insecure,,,, let him leave. YOU don't need that in your life
— Linda L.
September 20, 2002
When my boyfriend heard that I was getting this surgery the first words out
of his mouth were "you're going to lose all this weight and find
another guy." I'm not that shallow!! We have been together for 2 1/2
years. He supported me all the way through. I am now 3 1/2 months post-op
LAP RNY, and down 60 pounds. But he was very insecure himself.
Unfortunately, we are now having problems, but it is more my side and i
cannot explain it. Ever since the surgery, I find myself not affectionate
anymore, not wanting to be intimate with him, and it has deeply affected
our relationship. I also have a chronic illness, where I have had
headaches for the past 6 months that are debilitating and have not given me
an ounce of relief this whole time, which can be factored in. <p>I
would sit your boyfriend down and talk with him. This is a major surgery
that you need his support with, and you've been together for a long time,
you obviously love eachother and you're not just going to "get skinny
and leave him." He just needs to be reassured of that fact. i hope
you can work things out. If you want to talk, e-mail me [email protected]
— Lezlie Y.
September 20, 2002
I'm sure this isn't the "touchy-feely" response you're looking
for, but let him go. Sometimes you just gotta cut your losses and move on.
You have a right to be with someone who is loving and supportive. I have a
feeling you've "settled" for this relationship up until now and
you shouldn't settle for anything! So if he wants to go, let him. You've
got much bigger things to worry about now - like getting healthy and
focusing on YOU! Good luck to you, whatever you decide.
— Angie M.
September 20, 2002
Well, here's my input and this is the way I am. If someone doesn't want me
(for whatever reason), they don't have to tell me twice. I don't want
anyone who doesn't want me. If he wants to walk, open the door for him.
It sounds like the problem is HIS and not YOURS. Surround yourself by
others who care, like good friends and family. It's his loss. I know this
sounds easier than done. By why would you want someone who doesn't want
YOU? You are worth more than that.
— Annie H.
September 20, 2002
Hate to disagree but.... I feared the loose weight and leave. This is why I
went first getting my WLS. Your SO is worried. Show him lots of affection,
attention, and reassurance that you love him and wouldnt be shopping
around. You have 2 years invested, try to hold things together. WLS is a
MAJOR life change. Its best to do them ONE AT A TIME! Suggest counseling.
Practically speaking you will need some help post op as well. A year from
now you can consider such a radical step, Now isa not the time unless he is
a physical abuser or has something like a drug problem. The psych doc who
approves us all says the mental, emotional side has MORE changes than the
physical one after surgery. This is a time for caution and practical
thinking. He is scared he is going to loose you. That may well mean he
REALLY CARES. Just my 2 cents having lived thru this and seeing both sides.
— bob-haller
September 21, 2002
I have a slightly different take on this. You don't say why HE wants to
break up with you, but if he hasn't told you why, then sit down and find
out. He may or may not be scared, but I wouldn't assume he is, especially
if he has told you he is not. As for letting him go or trying to keep him
with you, I'd just be really honest with him and tell him how important he
is to you, how much you love him and then let him do whatever he is going
to do. If he wants to leave and you get him to stay, he may come to resent
you, especially if he reasons for breaking up have nothing to do with your
WLS. On the other hand, if you let him go, and then he later regrets his
decision, you could always get back together. Being alone is scarey and of
course you want those people you care about the most to be there for you
and to support you. But, I can assure you from my own expereince, you
don't want to have someone around you if they really don't want to be
there. Both of you will be miserable and your self-esteem will take a very
real hit from it. Best of luck in your relationship and God bless you and
your surgeon as you journey over to the other side. Robin
— rebalspirit
September 21, 2002
Perhaps he is afraid your going to die. If thats a possiblity take him to a
support group meeting or take a nearby post op to dinner. Let him hear
their story, see the before photo and how surgery worked. He may be afraid
you wll die and leave him alone. This may be his effort to save you by
breaking up and stopping your surgery. In his mind it may make good sense.
I had a best friend pre op who tried to save me. He would of killed me.....
Find out motre of whats up, Excellent question1
— bob-haller
September 24, 2002
My boyfriend says that its not the surgery...now he says that he just isn't
happy. But, he has an aunt who lost a whole bunch of weight and left his
uncle. I told him that we need to talk things out and work on our
relationship..but I am the only one trying. He says that he is tired of
trying. I am soo confused and upset and I live in his condo ...so its not
like I can tell him to leave. I need to worry about a place to live and
everything...now of all times. I think i am about to freak out!
— Lisa L.
September 24, 2002
Lisa,
You are about to take one of the biggest most important steps of your life.
If your boyfriend wants out...let him go. You can't make someone love you.
If its real, he'll come back but if he is truly unhappy, you must let him
go. Take care of yourself and look to the future. Only you can make you
happy.
— Alanphier
September 24, 2002
Lisa, It sounds like your ARE THE ONLY ONE TRYING in this relationship and
have been for a very long time. Since it is his condo and you do need a
place to live, can you stay there until after you have surgery and then
begin looking for your own place to live? If you need someone to help with
your confusion, I strongly recommend seeking out short-term counseling to
help you through this situation, perhaps a pastor or a social worker. They
can help you in short term problem solving, which you will need because you
have so much going on presently. Do you have a women's support services
agency in your community? This could be another resource to help you put
together a strategy for dealing with these changes within the context of
your present situation. Alternatively, if everything's feels so
overwhelming, perhaps you could put surgery on hold until you have moved
and stabelized your living situation. The most important thing to keep in
mind is that your have many options and lots of resources to help you
figure things out. If you need a friendly and supportive ear, please feel
free to email me at [email protected].
— rebalspirit
September 24, 2002
Hi Lisa, I looked at the pictures of you and your boyfriend, and I maybe
out of place, but it looks as if your boyfriend has some eating disorders
of his own. By you taking initiative and getting yourself
"together" probably has put pressure on him to do the same
although he may not be ready to deal with his own issues yet. I was in a
unhealthy relationship with a boyfriend who was my "eating
partner." When I tried to get help for my weight he was very negative
and I finally dumped his a** real quick. I look at it like an alcoholic
who still lives in a drinking atmosphere, it's VERY difficult. Sometimes
you just need to walk away and take care of yourself. If the relationship
is meant to be, it will happen. It's all about timing and right now it's
time for you to concentrate on you. It's ok to be selfish for a moment.
You have an army of support, you can and will do this, and you will not be
alone. Best of luck to you! Cheers :)
— chickiewickie
September 24, 2002
I'm sorry if someone has said this already... consider it a little tough
love... let him go... whether it really is about your surgery or not... and
maybe it just isn't.. he just found this the right time to decide to move
on.. whatever it is... if he didn't go now, he'd go later. They say in our
group.. this surgery is not going to make a bad relationship better; it
will make a good relationship even better.<br><br> I know it
probably won't be easy, but if you have some friend s and family,
concentrate on them and first and foremost concentrate on you. You've got
a lot to do in the next couple of weeks and you'll have a lot to do after
surgery and you will have to concentrate on YOU. You deserve that, and let
me tell you... there's someone wonderful waiting out there.. someone you
deserve and you'll be much happier in a year... really! This is a real
transition in your life and maybe this is just the right to make the
transition out of that relationship. Good luck...
— Lisa C.
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