Question:
My mom is 78 & lives with us....I don't want to upset her, what do I tell her ?
I have a date of April 24, but am putting off telling my mom due to the fact that it will freak her out. She wants me to lose weight, worries about my health, but I know she will only remember the horror stories about stomach stapling of years ago. What can I tell her to keep her from trying to change my mind or getting too upset?? — Linda D. (posted on March 25, 2002)
March 25, 2002
Linda,
I just told my mom that I was planning on having the surgery sometime this
year (pending approval). She was not happy about it because she had also
heard the horror stories. Personally, I would give her the information to
this website. Maybe let her read a few of the profiles and hope that
changes her mind. She is older but if she is anything like my mom, you are
better to tell her now and have her prepared than after and have her so mad
at you that you don't speak. Just my opinion...and we all know about
opinions...LOL
Good luck with your surgery and a speedy recovery!!!!
Renee
— Renee S.
March 25, 2002
My father doesn't live with me (he's actually 8 states away) but I elected
to NOT tell hime about the surgery. Instead I told him that I was having
my gall bladder removed. I know I was lying but I also knew having my gall
bladder out would worry him MUCH less than the idea of gastric bypass
surgery. Now, that being said, I will be seeing him in July and,
obviously, he will see the sizeable change in my waistline among other
things. At that time, I will be 7 months post op and I may decide to tell
him the truth about the surgery. While he can see me and see that I am NOT
sick from the surgery, I'm NOT vomiting after every meal, my skin has NOT
turned some funny color....well, you know all the old rumors about stomach
stapling. I don't advocate lying by any means but I also don't advocate
upsetting an older relative if it isn't necessary. You know your mom as
well as anyone else. Ultimately, you'll have to decide how much or how
little to tell her. Do what YOU think is best. Good luck!
— Pam S.
March 25, 2002
I had the EXACT same problem. My mom is 74 and lives with me due to her
having breast cancer. She's a very negative person to begin with so I hid
the fact that I was consulting a surgeon for this surgery. I had been to
see the surgeon AND had my approval from my insurance company. I
SPECIFICALLY told the surgeon's office to call me at work so they wouldn't
leave her a message. I figured I would wait until about 2 weeks prior to
my surgery and then tell her about it. Then I only had to hear her horror
stories and how crazy it was for me to do this for a very short time.
Unfortunately, the doctor's office called and left a message about my
pre-admit testing for my gastric bypass on the answering machine which she
heard!!! She didn't say anything about it immediately so I didn't either.
The next day she finally said something about it and I told her why I
hadn't told her. She told me I should just diet and exercise and I would
lose weight. She said this was a crazy thing to do and very radical. I
told her if this was the case, I would be a very thin person now, which I'm
not and neither was she!! For the next couple of weeks she preceeded to
tell me horror stories about stomach stapling that she had heard at the
hospital she volunteers at. I told her those people don't know what there
talking about since it is so different then the way they did it 20 years
ago. She preceeded to tell me every chance she got how crazy it was for me
to do this. Finally, I had enough. I told her I did NOT need her
negativity and this was already a scary thing for me to do and I needed
support not negativity. So if she was going to be negative then say
NOTHING about it at all!!! I was VERY firm about it and she actually
backed off. She was there for my surgery and helped me afterwords
tremendously, but I think they still feel your a child and they have to
guide and direct you in life. Once she saw me getting better and losing
weight and really not having to many problems, she's been fine. Your
probably better off to tell her now what your going to do, but also lay
down the law as far as how you feel about negative horror stories. Try to
keep things positive. Show her what your having done (if the doctor gives
you brochures) and tell her how it's going to improve your life. In the
end, I'm sure she'll be there for you the way my mom was for me. Good
luck.
— Patty H.
March 25, 2002
I would wait until the last minute. Somewhere along "Bye Mom I'm off
to the hospital be back in 5 days." is a little too late. If she is
going to fret about it or worry herself into a fit. I would wait until the
day before. I'm calling my mom from the hospital when I have it done. She'd
be a wreck otherwise and my father's life would be a miserable existance.
If your mother is the type to obcess I'd wait. I'd tell her you waited
because you didn't want to worry her. You love her too much to do that to
her. You know she will be there to support you. You love her and will NEED
her afterward. You hope she will be supportive and be there for you
afterward. If this sounds corny please note my mother is a pilot for
GuiltTrip.com :o) I have many frequent flyer miles on this airway. The
suitcase I carried for guilt trips is now a carry on I keep by the door.
Neer know when you are going on one. YOU know your mother. You know what
she will say. You can most likely have the complete conversation in your
head. Plan ahead and be prepared. If you can squeeze a tear while you are
telling her how much you love her, out that helps.
— Rebecca K.
March 25, 2002
I also live with my mom who is 79 and worries about my weight.Ijust told
her that this surgery will help me loose alot of weight and that it has
been improved over the years.Ihave lost 108 pounds in 4 months and she is
so glad Idid it. good luck [email protected] nancy M.
— NANCY M.
March 25, 2002
My grandma and grandpa are about that age, and I knew they would completely
freak out if I told them I was getting bariatric surgery. Consequently, I
did not tell them until I was about 1.5 months post-op and down 60 lbs.
When I told them, my grandpa said, "Well, if you had asked us before
you did it, we would have told you not to ... but now it looks like it's
working for you, so how can we not be supportive?" I only see my
grandparents every few months, so I was able to successfully
"hide" my weight loss from them. I don't know what I would do it
they lived with me. Maybe I would tell them I was going in for gall bladder
surgery or something and only confide in them a while later after my health
was steady. A little white lie isn't always a bad thing, and it will save
her worrying about you. Many people lose weight after surgery, so that can
explain your small appetite and rapid weight loss... I dunno, just a
thought.
— Terissa R.
March 25, 2002
I told my 80 year old Mom and she was very supportive! There's just no
figuring out your parents. They never do what you expect. I have been
honest with everyone who asked and found that this is the best path for me
to take.
Good Luck
— Robert L.
March 25, 2002
My mom is 73 and was one of my biggest "cheerleaders". Now that
I've lost 131 pounds since June 5, 2001, she is so proud of me. When you
tell them tell your folks this is the only way that you're going to be able
to lose the weight and keep it off. Be sure to tell them of the risks, but
don't cancel!
— dolphins94
March 25, 2002
Linda~
I am one of the ones who didn't tell my mother, for her sake. She is
suffering with MS and stress is bad for her. Since you live with her, it
will be hard to avoid the subject. State your case with conviction and
have lots of fact to answer any questions she may have. Don't let her
"talk" you into changing your mind. If you have really researched
this and know in you heart that this is right, she will probably support
you. Good luck, Take care, Mel
— Melissa C.
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