Question:
Surgery Scheudled for 5/15- Nonsupportive Boyfriend. Advice Needed

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years and we are extremely close to one another. I am 19 years old and for as long as I can remember, I have had a problem with my weight. I weigh 271 and am 5'10". When I confronted him about my decision to have the surgery, he didnt have much to say because he didnt think I would be accepted but I did and now I am having the WLS on May 15th, a week from today and he barely talks to me about it. The one time we did, he cried and begged me not to. I feel like this is a lifetime opportunity and that I should do it anyway. What should I do?    — Alexis G. (posted on May 8, 2003)

May 8, 2003
He doesn't sound unsupportive, he sounds scared. Talk to him about why the reaction and I bet there is fear under there. Assure him that everything will be okay and that is all you can do. My husband had a wave of terror when he saw what RNY involved and he fretted while I was in surgery but overall he did okay. We didn't talk too much about it because I didn't want it in his face all the time. Talk to your boyfriend, find out what's bugging him, and talk it out.
   — susanje

May 8, 2003
Well, I think it is a very individual decision. If you decide either way. I am planning the surgery and my husband (new)was very concerned. He had told me it took him forever to find me and now he never wanted to loose me. He married me heavy and he loved me anyway. I told him I felt so lucky to have him but I needed the surgery for me.I need to breath and move around. I feel I have been heavy my whole life and it was a second chance for me. I am waiting to be approved but I think you should do what you need to for yourself. I have never been one to do anything for myself but this I am doing FOR ME and me alone. If I am selfish I am selfish. No one knows what I feel and how hard it is for me except me. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck. Take care and God bless.
   — Regina P.

May 8, 2003
He might find you beautiful as MO. I was always atrtracted to big ladies, but stress you will be healthy. Introduce him to a post op thats down a 100 pounds. He is likely scared, thats NORMAL. Talkingn to a postie will help.
   — bob-haller

May 8, 2003
Dear Alexsis, you are 19 years old, and right now you have a lot of life ahead of you, but without this surgery you won't have as much life to live that you could have. He is scared, and for many reasons, one, the surgery itself, two, you have been the way that you are, and that is all he's known for 2 and 1/2 years, we are all walking into the unknown, him included, that is called life, and for you and him an even better life. Let him know that this won't change the size of your heart, and certainly not the depth of your love for him, but will only change the package in which all these things will be delivered to him in. And I told my husband as an incentive that I will let him go out with me, and he can pick out the first sexy thing I buy, which for him is a treat as I have never let him even go shopping with me. He doesn't even know what size I wear. My surgery is on 05/20/03, and for the past 2 weeks we have been looking at catalogs together, and not one of them is from Lane Bryant....Best Wishes
   — Tamauralee H.

May 8, 2003
Alexis, this is a difficult thing to go through, and tell him you know its hard for him, but you want his support. Ask him exactly what is bothering him about this surgery- the risks? you losing weight and having more attention from other men? What exactly is bothering him will help you to understand his fears and get through this together. Don't ditch the surgery b/c of it, though, not saying you were going to, but your right- it is a lifetime opportunity and this can save your life. You may be young and not have very many problems, but in 20 years you could be facing high blood pressure, diabetes, chronic knee problems, etc. I am 23 and was with my b/f 2 1/2 years as well when I had this surgery a year ago. He was very apprehensive at first, was scared to lose me to complications, and also scared to lose me to other men. I calmed his fears and just blankly told him that I have been a selfless person all my life (especially toward him) and now it is time for ME and I'm going to be selfish, no matter what anybody says. He supported me and helped me throughout my whole recovery. We eventually did break up- our relationship was not strong enough from the beginning, and he was very jealous. This surgery and decision is for you, and no one else, and ofcourse you want support, and I hope he eventually does give it to you, but don't give up b/c you don't have it. Goodluck to you- wish you the best!
   — Lezlie Y.

May 8, 2003
All's I can say is do it for YOU! I have been with my signifigant other for a little over 6 yrs. and he told me this might be the beast thing I could ever do. And personally I think it is. I would go ahead. Eventually he will see how mush more healthy and happy YOU are. Best Wishes!
   — Shelly G.

May 8, 2003
All's I can say is do it for YOU! I have been with my signifigant other for a little over 6 yrs. and he told me this might be the beast thing I could ever do. And personally I think it is. I would go ahead. Eventually he will see how mush more healthy and happy YOU are. Best Wishes!
   — Shelly G.

May 8, 2003
I agree with all the previous posters and would like to add a Q. Could he be struggling with his weight as well (or any other appearance-issues) and thinks that u becoming "more attractive" will make u find him "less attractive" ? Just a thought... If so, make sure u reassure him of ur love.
   — Laura R.

May 9, 2003
When someone posts here about not being supported by their SO or children, the first thought I have is - if you were single, on your own, no kids, no family, would you have this surgery for you and you alone? Does your health and physical condition indicate to YOU that you NEED wls in order to live a life that consists of eating to live and daily physical activity, a social life, a job to support yourself, and to look in the mirror and like what you see? You are a young woman and may not have physical problems now but what about a few years from now? Wls is a personal choice, if you feel that you need it, boyfriend or not, then go ahead and have it. Your life will improve and the bf will see that you are a happier, healthier person. All the better for him, or any other partner you may have in the future, to have a woman who is healthy, physically fit, comfortable with her body, confident and has a smile on her face. Go for it and don't look back. Good luck.
   — mary ann T.

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