Question:
Has anyone had difficulty with their spouse being supportive of the weight loss surge
How do you handle a spouse tht is not supportive of WLS. He thinks I havnet tried hard enough to lose. How do youhandle it? — L M. (posted on January 30, 2002)
January 30, 2002
First, there is a lady with a web site, Thompson is her last name I think,
and her story is great. Her husband felt the same way as yours (she hadn't
tried hard enough) so she agreed to try one more diet. Then, one day he
came home to find her in tears and she told him she couldn't do it on her
own, she needed the surgery. He then became supportive. He even has his
own comments on her web page. Second, my husband wasn't (still isn't
really) supportive. He knows I need to do this for ME, and so is going
along with it. But he says if I were to cancel today, he'd be thrilled!
It is worry and love combined. But I have been firm and keep saying I need
this for ME. I also stress to him that I have kept growing in size, buying
new clothes and now, close to 300 pounds, it will not stop unless I do
something SERIOUS, like this! Today is my surgery day! Good luck. He'll
come around!
— [Deactivated Member]
January 30, 2002
The lady's name is Barbara Thompson. Her husband has a page on her website
that is for spouses, though I couldn't get my hubby to even read it! Still
had the surgery, though!!
Go to the library and type in "support," or "husband,"
and you'll find a LOT of us went through this. But, remember, it's your
life! Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
January 30, 2002
Your husband must be in choir with mine. I hear that oldie but goodie
"all you have to do is exercise" Or my favorite is "eat less
you'll lose weight". Don't get me wrong my husband has told he doesn't
care how fat I get,He'll still love me. The problem is I don't love me
sometimes. I have looked into this surgery and feel it is right for me. He
doesn't. I finally had to tell him if he wasn't going to be a help to shut
up. I know in the end he'll be there for me but I can't take the music any
longer.
— [Anonymous]
January 30, 2002
No disrespect to your marriage, but dont you think that sometimes our
hubbies are some of the cause for our overeating? When mine gets too
crabby, I go straight for the kitchen and find the chocolate and ponder
what Im doing with him. Or, if he is in a good mood, its "let go out
to eat",,,,Im an emotional eater.If they are going to love us so much,
no mater what weight we are, then they can get used to us being thin, and
healthy too. Maybe they are insecure about us wanting them after we are so
gorgeous? I love my hubby, but hes going to love me all the way to 300
pounds soon, and the worst part, is ,,he just lost 60 pounds,,,so I have
that to live with too...Although my spouse is supportive, he doesnt think
that I have tried hard enough,,,even though I walk 6 miles a day in the
summer,,,and aorbics in the winter,,,But my most important feeling is
this,,, this is our life,,,I feel that I have given enough,,,its time for
me to take a little,and if the man isnt on board, then he will sink. good
luck to you
— [Anonymous]
January 30, 2002
My husband was not supportive until he went with me to meet the doctor for
pre-op, and I had taken 11 months to get that far in the process! That
appt.changed a lot of things. First, he realized that I wasn't as large as
some of the other patients--though believe me, I was more than large
enough! Second, he realized that as my surgeon spoke to our group, that he
really believes in the surgery, having done over 700 of them. Third, there
was a doctor in my group who was having the surgery done. My husband still
is not always as supportive as I'd like, but he is much, much better and
agrees it was the right decision for me. I had a laproscopic RNY on 9/27/01
and am down 80 pounds.
— Mary O.
January 30, 2002
Barb wrote that GREAT book, and is a member of our support group. Her hubby
is a quiet likable fellow. Jen originally thought I was nuts for wanting
surgery. She saw my success and was sorry she didnt go first. Jen is down
36 pounds, kinda omnteresting when the spouse becomes a surgery patient
herself.....
— bob-haller
January 31, 2002
I am so blessed. My husband gell in love with me when I was 300 and
continued to love me as I grew to 400. When my Dr. suggested WLS, I was
hesitant to tell my husband (who could stand to loose 50 lbs. too). I
eventually told him about it the day before the orientation seminar. He
said, "What time do I have to be there." He has attended every
support meeting, Dr. Appt. and took 2 weeks off his new job at surgery
time. I have had a wonderful experience - no complications or anything at
5 months post-op down 150lbs., he just said for the first time the other
day how terrified he was and how it has all turned out so much better than
he expected. I never knew. He remained supportive and upbeat the whole
time. In fact there was one time I was in hesterics just before surgery
and wanted to back out, he reasssured me everything would be ok and talked
me back into sticking with it. I love him very much.
— Danielle M.
January 31, 2002
L, I was worried about how my family would take my wanting this surgery
(I'm four months post-op). They were so wonderful. My hubby was
supportive, but not overly so. I wondered at times if this was what he
really wanted for me. I knew my weight embarrassed him, if we went to the
store together, he soon took off in another direction. If we went
somewhere as a family, he always walked 5-10 feet ahead of me. He had quit
holding my hand and putting his arm around me years ago. When we met I
only weighed 145 lbs. or so, but I was weighing in at 245ish pre-op. The
morning of my surgery, my hubby and mom were in the pre-op room with me. I
looked at RC and he had tears in his eyes (the first I had ever seen). I
didn't mention them and embarrass him, but I knew he was scared for me.
Maybe your hubby is just scared for you too and doesn't know how to go
about showing it, or admitting it. I wish I could give you ideas on how to
help him over it, if that is the case, but I don't. I WOULD start with
having him check out this website, and having him read some of the other
hubbys pages. Mine is computer illeterate, lol, so his wouldn't be here.
Good Luck and Congratulations!
— DonnaCarol
January 31, 2002
I dealt with my unsupportive spouse by leaving. My decision to have
surgery was being assaulted daily by sarcasm, dirty looks, tears, fits and
pleas. I'm not saying to leave, I was in the situation where I knew that
she would wear me down eventually, and I would change my mind. I feel that
this surgery is just too important to me, and I'm not going to give up on
it regardless of my wife. Also, there were reasons to leave, other than
arguing about WLS.
— Andrew R.
February 1, 2002
I can relate to this. My husband was very unsupportive. He finialy told me
that he is worried of losing me. I told him he will lose me anyway if i
continue being overweight. He sat and watched the programs on discovery
with me. He has also seen before and after picture on the site here. I can
say that he is still has his questions. He agreed to come with me to my
first consult on the 11th of Feb. This way he can ask all he need to ask. I
wish you all the best. Just remember you are not doing this for anyone but
yourself. Best of luck Sarah
— sarah C.
February 2, 2002
A few months ago, Reader's Digest had an article about how marriage makes
women fat. It talked about wives matching food portion sizes with their
husbands and making meals that men prefer over what women prefer. But it
also talked about how some husbands encourage their wives to be fat, for
various reasons, and become totally unsupportive of weight loss.
Boy...could I relate to that. Back in 1989, I went on Optifast against my
husband's wishes, and he fought me all the way. After I lost all my
weight, he would try to sabotage me by always suggesting we go out for ice
cream, or bringing sweets into the house (my downfall). Overtime, I
eventually started gaining weight, and he actually used that as a reason he
had an affair! I eventually divorced the SOB, but I have no doubts that if
we were still married, he would have fought me like crazy about the WLS. If
I learned anything from my almost 20 year marriage - you HAVE to do what is
best for YOU. If your spouse truly loves you and respects you, he will do
whatever is necessary to support you in those endeavors. Of course he's
going to be nervous about surgery itself - anyone who loves you will be.
My family kept all kinds of horror stories from me until after my own
surgery - and it was only when they told me them did I realize how worried
they were (I was scared to death myself, but kept it to myself - and my
profile - so as to not worry anyone else). Realize that when a spouse is
unsupportive of weight loss - other than the normal fears of surgery - it's
often due to their own issues.
— Cyndie K.
February 2, 2002
The problem is not just with husbands...wives have trouble with their
spouses losing weight also. My wife has to help me dress because I cannot
reach to put on socks and shoes. (I am pre-op)She didn't seem very excited
about the surgery and didn't talk much about it. I finally asked her how
she "really" felt about it. She shared that she was afraid that I
wouldn't need her anymore and that other women would be looking at me. Of
course, after 29 years it broke my heart to think she still thought someone
else might be interesting to me. I think we have to assure our spouses of
how much we love them and tell them how much we need them to
"cheer" us on. I love my wife with all I have and she is the main
reason I am doing this...I want the rest of my life with her to be as long
as possible.
— James K.
February 2, 2002
JUST LOOK HIM IN THE EYE AND THIS I DO FOR ME!HANG in i have a hbby that's
the same way.To bad so sad he'll actually do something around the house.
blessed be
— kay Z.
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