Question:
My wife is really against WLS

my wife is really against this. she thinks i'm just not exerting enough self-control. she doesn't want to have anything to do with it. Won't talk to me about it, won't go with me to the dr. for the consultation. nothing. I'm almost 400 lbs. I'm only 31 and I feel like I'm about to die. I look at the pictures of people who did this and I start crying. I just want to be normal.    — patrick B. (posted on August 18, 2000)

August 18, 2000
Dear Patrick, When I began to talk to my husband seriously about WLS, He was totally against it, For alot of reasons. He was afraid of my losing weight, and then leaving him (No chance of that i love him) And the other was me dieing from surgery. So one night I told him I was afriad I was going to die anyway from the weight, and told him that I wanted him to help me research surgery, and at least respecet me enough to speak to a surgeon with me. He did alot of researching on his own on the net, and on this site, and he did go to me the first time to talk to the surgeon, and after that he seemed more open and willing to discuss this with me, he still not thrilled with me having this, cuz in the back of his mind he is still afraid something is gonna happen, but he loves me enough to know that this is really what I need and want. I hope that you can get through to your wife, I know how hard it is, to not be able to talk to the person you most love about something so important. Educate yourself, and in the meantime try to educate her also. She probably is just afriad of not knowing all the facts, Good luck, and If I can be of any help let me know..:o)
   — Ann A.

August 18, 2000
Hello Patrick--I can only relate my own experience and maybe you can gain some insight into this. My own boyfriend isn't very supportive. His whole attitude was "I'll believe it when I see it" or "why don't you just try harder". He doesn't really have a weight problem, so I know it is very hard for him to understand. I decided that I was going to do this for me, and not anyone else!! I continued to plug ahead with the consultation and the insurance approval, and now I am just waiting to get some testing done and then a surgery date. Once I got insurance approval and a date for testing, he looked at me and said "your really gonna do this aren't you?". I explained that I was and he could either be here for me or not. I have other support outlets, so his indifference, although it bothered me at first, doesn't get to me anymore. I would talk about it and just keep him up to date about all that was going on, but I never got too deep with him. Even now, with him finally accepting that this is going to happen, I have closed myself off to him as far as WLS is concerned. We don't discuss it to much. I thought there could be a few emotions going on with him to make him be this way. One was fear. Maybe your wife is afraid of all the risks that are involved. It is easy for people to have a negative reaction when they are not educated about WLS and its risks and well as the tremendous benefits. Maybe your wife is nervous that this will change your relationship in a bad way. The fear of the unknown is a huge fear!!! Or maybe it is jeleousy. Someone suggesting that my boyfriend would be afraid that I would leave him in my dust once I lost all the weight and tried to reclaim myself. Obviously I don't know what kind of relationship you two have, but if possible, I would sit with her and gently tell her that you are going to do this, with or without her support. The choice is up to her. If you are serious about pursuing WLS, now is the time to start being selfish. You are doing this for YOUR overall health and well being. YOU are the most important person in this picture. Maybe directing her to this site and seeing if she is willing to attend an open support group meeting might be helpful. I hope I didn't sound too negative. Good luck
   — enjo4

August 18, 2000
My family was against it first, But now that they see how happy I will be, they are OK with it. Yours will be happy too. The way I see it, is You are either with me or you are not. Good Luck Debbie H
   — peaceangel58

August 18, 2000
Three words - GO FOR IT !!!
   — Theresa B.

August 18, 2000
Patrick, hang in there. While I am not married, many of us have had to deal with negative feelings from family and friends. The first thing is to understand what is driving her feelings. Fear is very powerful and quite natural. She loves you and can't bear the thought of losing you. No one can lie and say that surgery has no risks but the risks associated with doing nothing (dying from a heart attack, high blood pressure, or diabetes; becoming an invalid because your joints have given out) are SOOOO much greater. Many people view this as incredibly drastic. More drastic than what - planning for your funeral way before your time? By taking care of your weight, you will insure many more happy years together. (And your sex life will REALLY take off!) The best thing here is to try to educate her. Print out a bunch of materials from the internet (there is a lot available) and present it to you. Tell her that you cannot force her to read the materials, but that now it is up to her to make that decision. What she is saying about self-control already shows her lack of knowledge about obesity. We have ALL heard it before - if you could only limit your portions, if you could only lay off the junk food........if, if, if..... There are genuine metabolic and genetic reasons (as well as emotional ones) why people become obese, and no diet in the world is going to take it off and keep it off. The second thing you have to consider is her underlying self-image. Is she obese as well? If so, this could also be a major reason why she objects. If the both of you are obese, she feels "safe". Society is especially unkind to women as far as our looks. If both of you are obese, this may make her feel more secure about her own image nad more secure about your love for her. Now, if you take steps to change that, she may feel that she will be left behind or will not be as attractive to you. She may even feel threatened that you will be more attractive to other women once the weight comes off. Assure that you love her, and your change in appearance will not change your love for her. The third thing you need to consider is power. Many of us have experienced where close family and friends exert control over us due to our obesity. Because society is so negative about obesity, we often settle for second best because we think we don't deserve any better or have no chance of getting anything better. Only you can evaluate your marriage to know whether or not this is a control issue. We are here to support you. Taking steps to make yourself healthier and happier are important, and at 31 it's not too late to take control. If you have children or would like to have children one day, there are even more reasons for you to take care of yourself. Go to your appointments. Take the steps necessary. Ask for her support but be sure she understands your resolve to do this - with or without her approval. My parents reacted the same way, and although on the day of the surgery they weren't thrilled, they understood that there was no turning back and they supported me. I am 36 and 3 months post-op and have lost 65 pounds and have discontinued altogether my CPCP machine and 2 diabetes meds. Life is great, and I am feeling wonderful! Hang in there!
   — Paula G.

August 18, 2000
Hi Patrick, My name is Terri. I am kind of a newbie here. While I have a very supportive husband, my dad is kinda like your wife. The truth is, if someone has never had our particular kind of disease, they just think it is a character flaw...like we could just push away from the table, give up a few calories...etc..everyone here knows what you are going through...so don't give up, okay? Your wife, bless her heart, needs educating. I started doing research on WLS before I told anyone, then I printed out everything I could find...go check every link out...anything somebody suggests, it is worth the effort. My only major problem with my sweet hubby was he was afraid that I might die on the operating table....and the truth is I could...so, I told him so. But, I also told him when it is my time to go home, it won't matter if I am being operated on or doing "sweatin' to the oldies", or watching t.v. or etc...he is starting to understand. You have got to keep the faith, and cry when you need to, and laugh when you can relate, and keep working with your sweet wife...she just needs information and patience. If that doesn't do it, get her to check with a counselor, because she needs to understand why she won't support what you are going through...she may have some serious fears of her own, you know what I mean? Just reassure her that you will be the same person, only much happier and healthier! God bless~
   — Terri G.