Question:
Has anyone had the problem with their spouse not supporting them in anyway following
My wife didn't won't me to have the surgery in the first place.She did stay at the hosptial the day of the surgery,but went work the second day.Will not excerise with me,still cook cakes,brownies and leave them on the table in front of me.Does't ask how I doing or my weight loss.She is 100lbs overweight,and will not excerise,has HBP.Today mark the 8th week following the surgery and I feel good about my life,but it would be good if I did have someone around me that would support my lifechange. — Elmer L. (posted on May 9, 2005)
May 9, 2005
My husband is not supportive either. I am over a year out and not to goal
yet. I feel like if he had been behind me I could have made it. Our
spouses, for whatever reason, choose not to be there for us. This makes it
even more important to use this web site, support groups, and eachother for
support.
— Peggy Boyd
May 9, 2005
I will be having surgery soon and my husband is soooo not with me doing it.
He will not even go to the hospital to see me or call me, so i will be
doing this on my owne he said he wants nothing to do with this surgery he
thinks i should just shut my mouth and stop eating. So I know what you are
going through.
— gina G.
May 9, 2005
First of all let me say I am so sorry to hear that your spouse is not in
your corner.... My husband fully suported me through this process..I had
surgery on October 21, 2004 and down 86 lbs....at first though he was not
suportive of me because he was scared and not to mention he really did not
know about the surgery....he basically knew about the bad things like
people dying etc... He then went to my surgeon and asked away... the more
he found out about it the more comfortable he was... As far as her making
sweets and things around you I think she is not thinking about you and your
new eating habits...My mom always fed me with food so when I came home from
surgery she did not know what to do to help.... It is an adjustment period
not just for you but your whole family...Let her know how you feel and
encourge her to eat healthiler but also remember how you felt when people
shoved their diets down your throat....Chris
— Christine W.
May 9, 2005
could be you have the same as i do my wife told me she is worried if i loss
and start to look and feel better i wont want her anymore. all i can do is
tell how much i love her and ask her to understand i am not doing this so i
can fool around but to feel better and to live better and longer
— charles S.
May 10, 2005
8 Weeks out and my husband still says things like I did it without his
approval--or that I had my insides chopped up---but of course he is not
complaining that I am losing weight---he was always complaining about my
fat and now he will complain about loose skin. He like many other spouses
think I will find another when I am done losing weight---well guess
what--thats not the plan but if he doesn't start being nicer--it will
happen and it won't be my fault...I want to be treated with respect and
understanding--and don't critisize me if I could not lose weight before and
now can--Loving spouses need to support us and be thankful we are
changing--
— Lisa4kds
May 10, 2005
3 years post op here and struggling daily with a nonsupportive spouse who
does most of the cooking because of our work schedules, he has dinner made
by the time I get home. He is also overweight and diabetic and has high
blood pressure, makes no effort at all to follow a good diet. Pouts if I
say I dont want to go eat at a buffet. Buys me candy and cookies on a
weekly basis. (I do not dump). He gets upset with me if I want to go walk
in the evenings for exercise, because he works nights our only time
together is when I get home at 6:30 until he leaves at 8:30 by then it is
too late to go out for a walk. Sometimes I think it is me using him as an
excuse for not making my goals. But he does not hold a gun to my head and
force me to eat. I myself am weak and I allow myself to just go with the
flow. You cant change anyone they have to want to make changes themself.
Just like you and I have to want to follow the programs we need to be on to
be successful. I belong to a local support group and talking to them on a
regular basis helps me so much because I do not get the support I need. I
would have liked to have lost about 50 more lbs, but my regain after 120
lb loss is still at only 10 lbs after 3 years. I attribute that to my
group support and not allowing myself to lose total control despite the
temptations around me on a daily basis. Since I do work, at least during
the day 5 days a week, I am in good control. My problem is in the evenings
resisting the snacks brought into the house. I do find it easier to resist
temptations when I exercise regularly. Good luck to you!
— SARose61
May 10, 2005
Just another thought. Maybe we should start a yahoo support group (if
there isn't one already) for WLS post ops with nonsupportive spouses/SO's.
<smile>
— SARose61
May 10, 2005
Hi Elmer,
I don't have an answer for you, but I just want to tell you that I am sorry
to hear of this problem. In a way I am lucky because I have never been
married, so I don't have any marital issues due to my surgery. I wish you
well, and the strength to be successful in your journey no matter what
obsticles you encounter. Good luck.
Amber
— septembergirl73
May 10, 2005
My husband of 15+ years has supported me through this process. He is at
least 150 pounds overweight but is not interested in WLS for himself. I am
now 2 1/2 years post op and he recently confided to me that several people
he knows have made comments like "now Yolanda's going to find someone
else who's skinny" (I have no intention of doing this). I wonder if
your wife's circle of friends, family, or coworkers has suggested things
like this or if she has considered this on her own? If she's not scared of
losing you to someone else, maybe she's jealous of your weight loss or
scared of long term complications? I wish you both the best as you work
through this.
— Yolanda J.
May 10, 2005
Stay Focused!!!! Try to impose some of your new lifestyle changes on your
family try sugar free and fat free deserts. YOu will be surprised of the
tasty low fat/fat free and sugar free options that are now available on the
market. I know that it is difficult and even more so when you do not have
any support. STAY STRONG AND PRAY, Best of luck!
— JerseyGirl
May 11, 2005
Would you and your wife be open to marriage counseling? Even if you don't
have insurance to cover it, most U.S. towns have government run mental
health programs.
— Jenny B.
May 11, 2005
I have been on both sides of this issue. Years ago, my husband started
working out and getting into shape. Honestly, I was not supportive at that
time. I was angry - and jealous. He just made it look so easy which- in my
own mind, made me feel like a failure (again). When I started getting
motivated, and working out like crazy, he would, being "helpful",
find excuses to prevent me from my workout or bring home treats. I think
maybe he was a bit jealous. I say, hang in there. She is seeing where she
would like to be in you - and she is not there. She may feel a bit
resentful. I know I did...and he did. Just to clarify though....my husband
is now one of my biggest supporters (even though he can still come up with
"treats"). He was rooting me on through every athletic
acheivement. Now, he is supportive of me getting this surgery. AND, I am
supportive of him in the things he would like to accomplish. Hope this
sheds some insight for you. Dianne
— LadyDi9080
May 26, 2005
both my husband and i are diabetic and severly overweight. my wake up call
was delivering my daughter 2 years ago nearly killed both of us. im down
over 150lbs since then and my husbnad is gaining weight, not taking his
insulin and has sleep apena. he says he want to eat healthy, yet he always
wants to go to chineese for his "last buffet" every week. going
there and watching people/him gorge physically makes me sick. i now realize
how terrible our diet was and how portion control didnt exist. when im
stressing or they is to much temptation in front of me,i go for a walk...i
did this for weeks before he every joined me. i know im in charge of my
body and i can make excusses or i can do somthing about it.hopefully you
wife will come around and support you. however, if she dosnt, you need to
take care of you...when she makes browiness and cake and sits them in front
of you.get up and leave..go for a walk..go outside..dont let her sabatoge
all your efforts. All the best! Tracey
— traceybubbles
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