Question:
What would you do in this situation?
I was at the dentisit the other day and this very large woman came into the office. All the chairs in the office had arms on them. This woman was probably 350+ pounds. She picked up a magazine and leaned up against a room divider to leaf through it. I felt really bad cause I know the reason she leaned against the divider was because she could not fit into the chairs. I was the only other person in the waiting room and I debated whether to approach her and tell her about the surgery I had had a year ago. I also carry a "before" picture with me. I decided not to say anything to her for fear of embarrassing her or making her angry. What I am wanting to know is how you guys would have dealt with this situation OR how you would have felt if someone would have approached you when you were bigger?? (I did, however, tell the receptionist that they need to get different chairs in their waiting room to accomodate all sizes of people.) — Kim B. (posted on February 2, 2003)
February 2, 2003
Nobody needs reminding that they are overweight.I would hate for someone to
tell me about the surgery.To me that would be like saying "You need to
try weight watchers" or worse. People have to deal with the fact of
being overweight by themselves and figure their own solution.The surgery is
not for everyone!
— Tonya M.
February 2, 2003
Well meaning as you might be, if someone came up to me and started talking
to me about WLS, i'd be mortified. I know i'm fat. Heck, I'm disgusted with
myself. I think that's an area better left alone.
— lorien
February 2, 2003
I probably would have thought the same as you, but no have actually reacted
on it. I know our first impulse is to say "look how it helped me, it
can help you too", but I agree, they probably would have been insulted
that you mention their weight problem. It's difficult to sit and watch
someone else struggle with a weight problem after we've taken the step to
control our own. I have two very obese family members who I wish I could
inspire to do the same for themselves.
— bevewy
February 2, 2003
I think you did the right thing. You kept your thoughts to yourself, yet
called attention to the need for different seating to the receptionist.
Good for you!
— Samantha S.
February 2, 2003
Unless people are living out in the wilderness with no TV, newspapers,
radio, etc...then they most likely have heard about gastric bypass surgery
by now. I don't think it's my place (my opinion) as a post-op to speak to
anyone about this surgery unless asked. I think you did the best/right
thing by mentioning the lack of comfortable chairs for different sized
patients. Wish more people would do that! Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
February 2, 2003
Kim, I think you did the right thing. Your a king person to tell the dental
office to get larger seating. I worked in the EMS field 20 years, and
treating large adults for various emergencies was a must, even then if I
mentioned to them about various programs, they about ripped my head off.
— William G.
February 2, 2003
You done good, Kim. The previous poster is right, though. Unless someone
has been living on a submarine for 20 years, they've heard about WLS. A
good example of not wanting to know about it is at my church. I was very
open about my surgery, and of course they've all watched me melt away over
the months. I have told everyone *in the service* that I am available to
answer questions or offer support to fellow parishioners or their family or
friends who are considering this procedure. (We have a "joys &
concerns" part of the service wherein one can stand up and mention
personal announcements). There are at least a half dozen people in my
church who are DANGEROUSLY obese. To date, not one of them has approached
me for info!!! It's so bizarre. It's all the thin or barely-pudgy people
who have the questions or who have been fascinated by the process. I
*never* bring it up to the MOs. They all know I'm available if they need
me. I am constantly amazed at these people. There is a surgical solution
to their obvious suffering and they won't even consider it.... Denial isn't
just a river in Egypt...
— Nancy G.
February 2, 2003
I am planning (hoping) on having surgery in July of 2003. I am a teacher
and there is a new teacher teaching next door to me. She is very thin and
I had no idea she had the surgery and would have never asked. One night
she was scrolling through the message board and saw a post from me. She
sent me a message and told me that had had the surgery and wanted to say
something to me about having it. But she was afraid of what I would say. I
would say that it depends on how well you know the person and if you feel
comfortable saying something. I don't think if would of bothered me if she
had said something to me about it. I decided since I am going through with
this, that I wanted her to be my angel. She accepted my offer and I am so
happy that I met her.
— Lisa N.
February 2, 2003
Kim here's my story(boy this bring back some tears) anyway I was on the bus
about two years ago, I sat down and squeeze between these two old women.
One of them whispered to me"Honey, you should try apple cider vineger,
it cuts the fat". I felt a flush go across my face but I told her
"I rather be fat than to be an old fart like you". I was hurt,
that I sat there and my eyes started to water. I got off at a stop that
wasn't even mine because I had just about had a enough of people feeling so
comfortable that they can say this to me because I was fat. If I had a
wheelchair would she have said Honey you should get up and walk......Kim I
know you meant well but I'm quite sure that that women already felt bad
enough that she couldn't sit, and we all know how hard it used to be for us
to stand for a long period of time. I would have striked up a conversation
and I would have said, You know I had such a bad day today...I recently had
WLS but I think I ate something I shouldn't have....Then went on from
there, If she was interested I would share everything including my phone
number But if she had said" I would never do something like that"
Then I would leave her alone.
Sometimes I want to tell my girlfriend but I know she wouldn't go for it
because whenever a show about WLS comes on I calls her and tell her about
it but she always tells me that she would never ever to that to her body...
OH Well, you can't help everyone.
— Rebe W.
February 2, 2003
if i was the woman in the waiting room and someone said something to me
about wls, i would of been offended. complaining to the management about
the inconsiderate seating is the best thing to do! when my sister was
having her hysterectomy, my brother in law and i were sitting in the
waiting room, i was upset and worried. this man handed him a card, and
pointed toward me and said "for her" it was some weight loss
product like herbal life! i was so outraged. how dare he impose his 'sell
items' on me at this time, and not to me directly, like i was not good
enough, or he feared i'd kill him? he was gone before i regained myself
enough to think of what i should of done. i felt it very rude, no matter
how 'good' his intentions were.
— janetc00
February 2, 2003
There are ways to tactfully approach the subject depending on the
receptivity of the other person. This doesn't mean you just go right up
there and say, "Hello, my name is John, and I want to tell you about
WLS." Reach out and talk to people, you might make a friend. Today's
society is so impersonal and way to frequently will people never reach out
to one another if for nothing more than casual conversation. We are so
filled with worry and concern about rejection or how the other person would
feel by our reaching out. Talk to her, let her know and feel that she is
not alone but do so tactfully and with sincerity. You could have made her
day just by sympathizing with her. IF the conversation turns to WLS or not
so be it at least you have made meaningful contact with another who
probably could have used the contact. Upon initiating casual conversation,
she indicates she rather not converse then let her be at least you made the
attempt to reach out to another person. If you blunder your social
endeaver ... well you do better next time.
<p> Take Care, Be Well, and Be Happy!
— John T.
February 2, 2003
Kim, I think you did the right thing..I was in a restaurant a couple weeks
ago, and was trying to order small portions and nothing to drink..The
waiter kept saying are you sure..A lady turned around in another booth and
said..I dont mean to be nosy but did you by any chance have a Gastric
Bypass operation? I said yes..she then went on to tell me she had one a
year ago..and always felt it easier just to let them bring you water and
they will leave you alone!! I didnt mind this ,she was a really nice person
and gave me some good advice..I think you just know when it is ok and when
it isnt to approch someone!!
— NANCY P.
February 2, 2003
Although I am very open about having the surgery, I feel you did the right
thing by not approaching her. Had she and you engaged in a general
conversation and it came up then that would have been ok but to just blurt
it out might offend a person, I know that in my case if a total stranger
came up to me and suggested the surgery, I would have been like "you
cracker ass mind ur own business" lol However, if I was just talking
about general stuff and they had mentioned the surgery i would have been
all ears.... does that make sense, you ur heart was in the right place and
in the end you also did the right thing but thats just my opinion. And i
know exactly how you feel cuz I always want to spead the word about wls
and the wonderful out come i, along with many others have had....
— Deanna Wise
February 2, 2003
hi :) pre op, i would have really appreciated someone approaching me and
telling me all about it cuz i would have realzied they were coming from a
helpful place, post op i will talk to anyone about this but only if i am
asked. i want so bad at times to approach people as i know how much it has
changed my life for the better but i dont becuase i am afraid of
offending. i think you did the right thing not mentioning it and it was
nice of you to suggest the chairs, maybe you could place a before and after
of you on the wall in there which would bring attention to the wls idea. :)
— carrie M.
February 2, 2003
I think you did the right thing as well by not approaching her. I think
after all the media coverage and many more people having WLS, almost
everyone knows about it, especially obese people. I know many people 200+
and they ALL know about the surgery and have considered it. Some go through
with it, some don't think it's for them. I am always talking freely about
my LAP RNY, but I make sure they know there are complications, and in my
instance I developed a marginal ulcer and hole in my stomach. I don't
regret having it at all, I just think people need to think more clearly
about the complication end of it, besides just the positives, which some
may not do. I always think about telling strangers about this surgery, but
for fear of being rude or mean, and b/c it isn't a cure-all, I never do. I
think WLS can help so many people, but I'd be scared to recommend it and
then that person have something bad happen to them. But that is just me,
ofcourse!
— Lezlie Y.
February 2, 2003
It is obvious that most of us are more than empathetic with other obese
individuals, even after we have had our surgeries. However, As we all know,
being obese is uncomfortable if not humiliating in how other's treat us,
all this beside how terrible most of us feel about ourselves in having to
live in such a large body. Personally, I would never approach someone who
is obese. I figure that just like us, a person will be ready to have
sergery when they are ready to. I know from my own experience that I was
aware of every single option available to me as an obese person. It was not
until I was ready to face having surgery that I then began to research it.
Personally, if someone approached me this way, I would want to die of
shame.
— twenc
February 2, 2003
As with the other posters; I too agree that although your intentions are in
the right place there are certain things better left unsaid; unless
ofcourse someone approaches you about them. I; however, have a little bit
of a different twist to give as an example.
My father, who has been the same "normal" size for 40 years, had
told me over the summer (before he had any idea I was planning on having
WLS)that he had bought me a gift basket with homemade chocolates for
Christmas from someone he knew. Well, a few weeks before Christmas he
called and asked if I had received my package. I told him "not
yet". He told me I should be receiving it soon. I tried to act as if
I forgot what he was sending me because I think he forgot that he had told
me about the yummy chocolates that were coming. The next day the door bell
rings and I happily opened the door to the UPS driver who handed me my
package. The package was a little skimpy for a gift basket; but I figure
some good things come in small packages, right. As I immediately tear into
my package I was suprised to see that this wasn't a box of chocolates after
all. It was a box of chocolate weight loss shakes. At first I thought it
was some type of joke. I said to myself "He has alot of nerve. How
dare him!!! What kind of father would send his obese daughter a box of
weight loss shakes for a Christmas present unless I asked for them. I
thought I was getting candy!!" I was very hurt and couldn't beleive
that my father would tell me he's sending candy and send me diet shakes.
Yuk!! Anyway.....A few minutes go by and the doorbell rings again. To my
suprise the UPS man is standing there with a red face and says "
Ma'am, I gave you the wrong package...This is for your neighbor. This big
one is for you!" LOL. Needless to say I devoured those chocolates in
a matter of days. I still haven't decided whether I'm mad at him for
trying to sabatage my weight loss efforts or not by sending me chocolates.
Only kidding!! Moral of the story being: I felt hurt and betrayed by a
well-meaning father so I can imagine a well-meaning stranger would have
been even harder to take.
BTW- Kudos to you for asking for the larger chairs. We need more people
with a voice like that!!
— denisel
February 3, 2003
Hi I had surgery on 10/02/02 started at 495 now down to 418 and am still
unable to sit in chairs with arms though soon hoping to be able to fit. so
i am one of those people who end up standing it there is no chair for me to
fit in which has happened quite a few times. I feel you did the right thing
by not approaching her about the wls but i feel you should have struck up a
conversation with her and mentioned it briefly and let her take it from
there if she is interested but to just come out and say it i think i would
have been more embarrased then mad. Just my opinion.
— qtalleycat68
February 3, 2003
I think that we all tend to have a little 'missionary' inside of us who
just wants to 'share the good news'. Things are a little different now for
MO folks, there has been so much media attention and so much information is
out there that I would be even more reluctant now to approach someone. I
remember back to my MO days and think how offended I would be if some
skinny chick rolled up to me and suggested I have surgery. Even now in
support groups I take my scrapbook because I get 'glares' from new folks
who are suspicious of me. We all want to talk about how miraculous this
journey has been I think.
— Cara F.
February 3, 2003
Hi Kim. I think you did the right thing. I have a suggestion you may want
to think about. I am rather reserved about discussing my surgery. Most of
my family and coworkers still are not aware of what I had done. My friend,
however, will talk to ANY AND EVERYONE about her surgery. She took a
before picture of herself and had it laminated into a badge type pin with
the words "I lost weight, you can too. Ask me how." It's a
great icebreaker and many people have approached her and asked how she lost
the 152 pounds. If you'd feel comfortable doing something like that --
it's a great way to start a conversation!
— Pam S.
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