Question:
Has anybody not told one single person?
I am beginning my process of surgery and I have not told one person. The reason is that they are completely unsupportive. I have made hints to test the water, but recieved nothing but negative comments. My family does not live near me, so I am sure that I would be able to have the surgery without them knowing, but I will eventually let them know. Has anyone had to do this? I see so many people on this site with these loving supportive families and I am jealous. Unfortunately I have been dealt a different set of cards. I have been researching this surgery for over a year now and am confident this is the best idea for me. I truly don't feel that I need to "explain" to anyone, however I know that it will come up. Any suggestions? — Tara J. (posted on November 8, 2001)
November 7, 2001
Tara, your friends and family may surprize you by being more supportive
than you expect. But you certainly would know better than I. My suggestion,
if you won't tell anyone close to you, would be to join a bariatric support
group. Perhaps the doctor you will be using has one that you can attend
pre-op. Make some friends there and hook up with some local people through
this group or the OSSG mailing list. That way you'll have the support you
need and some friends that can visit you in the hospital and at home to
help you along should you need and want it. Good Luck!
— Donna L.
November 7, 2001
I was in the same boat as you, my dear! I knew my extended amily was not
going to encourage me, because they'd be too worried about my dying, so I
only told two other people in the world: my husband and my mom. I swore
them both to secrecy, and I'm sure glad I did. Of course, I did reach our
for support from other AMOS members and support groups, etc., but I kept
the surgery to myself until I had come through things with flying colors
and lost 60 lbs. Then I told everyone. And what could they say? My
grandpa actually said, "Oh, that's wonderful! Now, if you had asked
my opinion before you did the surgery, I would have begged you not to do
it. But now that it's obviously worked for you, what can I say?"
This has been the general concensus, it seems. Good luck to you--
— Terissa R.
November 7, 2001
Just make sure if you decide to tell anyone that you are prepared for what
MIGHT happen. What happened to me was this....I found out that a close
cousin of mine had had the surgery. So I called her and told her I was
going to have it. I also told her that the only people who knew was my
parents and that I wanted to keep it that way. Not because I was ashamed,
but because it is a private thing for me and nobody needed to know. I
confided in her cause we had always been close and I thought I could trust
her. And since she had the surgery, I had questions for her. WELL, came to
find out that EVERYBODY knows now. I was so pissed. So if you don't want
anyone knowing......watch out WHO you DO tell.
— Kim B.
November 7, 2001
The hospital will require a name of a family member. I didn't tell anyone
not even that family member whose name I gave to the hospital! Well the
hospital needed to talk to me and couldn't get a hold of me so they called
that family member. The result was I had a lot of explaining to do the day
before surgury and it was very stressful and I cried a lot. Your going to
have to tell at least one person because the hospital wouldn't release me
without someone to drive me home.
— Laura R.
November 7, 2001
I do not blame you for not telling anyone, but DO find you an angel
(perferably local) that can be your support. Also leave her with a list of
"just in case" numbers and instructions. Good Luck!
— [Anonymous]
November 7, 2001
My best friend didn't tell a sole...not even her husband. I'm
the only one who knows she had a lap rny. Her husband thinks
she had surgery for an "intestinal blockage". She barely
qualified...in fact she had to gain weight to push her bmi up to
35 so that our surgeon would do it. Everyone thinks her weight loss
is due to her "intestinal blockage" surgery. After gauging the
reactions of her husband and family to my wls, she decided to hide
her own. She get support from me and her support group. Also she only
had to lose 70lbs. to get to her goal and she did that in six months.
So it's been a breeze for her.
— [Anonymous]
November 7, 2001
I have only told 2 people and that was only out of pure necessity. My
husband and my mother. I told my mom because I have small children who
needed looked after. I am soooooooooooo glad that they are the only ones
that know. I had no visitors in the hospital and this worked out just
great. I could rest and do my own thing. If you are single, I see
absolutely no reason why you would have to tell anyone. Just be sure you
have a ride home, maybe someone on this board could help out with that?
Also, who says you have to give a REAL name on the paperwork? I would bring
with me in my bag, the actual names and numbers that the hospital could
call if there were a real emergency. If they called the name you gave them,
I am sure they would go through your personal things to find someone to
call. Also, maybe you could leave some letters and information at home for
your family just in case... sorry to sound so morbid. I say go for it!! I
could have easily taken care of myself after surgery. (I did just that and
took care of my family also.) I had open RNY 1/8/01. Best wishes!! Shelley
— Shelley.
November 8, 2001
Hi, I had this problem too. I am still pre-op, but recently made the leap
to telling my family. That was not a pretty site, but there is a way for
people who care about each other to agree to disagree. If you tell them
this is your decision and you'd like their support, then maybe after they
get the shock out of their system (the painful part) they might just decide
they care about you enough to let you run your own life. This is a little
off topic, but recently my boyfriend's parents found out that I go up to
visit him (he's 1500 miles away) and they completely tore him a new one and
called him a "dissapointment" just because he was not doing what
they WANTED him to do (we are 21, his parents haven't let go, lol). But
they are his parents, I do believe they love him, and they WILL get over
it! I think it just makes them ignorant people and bad parents really for
inflicting their opinions upon their adult children that way. The same is
true for anyone who really cares about you and vehemently disagrees with
you... if they are normal, they will rant and make you feel horrible at
first... but if they are truly good people, they will at least give you
support as you walk out the door to the hospital. If they don't ultimately
support you, I can't say much for the person... they're just too
narrow-minded and dogmatic to keep good company. As for not telling
anyone, I don't really think that's a good idea. That was what I thought
I'd do at first, but you really do need some moral support there with you.
And so often we try to keep secrets and it makes people's reactions to them
all the worse when it does eventually come out. Don't be ashamed of your
decision and don't let people think you are by finding out in a way other
than by you. Like the person below said though, if you do want to keep it
a secret, do be careful who you tell. Sometimes our family/friends are the
ones who need hand-holding through this situation so not surprisingly, they
will turn to others to talk about their concerns about what you are doing.
Good luck in whatever you decide and hang tough! :)
— [Anonymous]
November 8, 2001
Hi Tara, You have to do what feels right to you. If you don't want to tell
anyone, then don't, that's your right. I on the other hand, told
EVERYONE!! LOL. I even tell total stangers. The other day I was at my
bank, and I gave them my license, which is 100lbs ago, and the teller kept
looking at, and then at me. I told her, oh that was before I had WLS. She
was very interested. My reason for telling people, is that I guess I'm so
excited that I actually had this done, and that the possibility of me me
being a thin person soon is in my opinion a miracle. When your fat, poeple
think your a slob, and that you don't care if your fat. My way of showing
people that I do and did care is by telling, yes it was extreme, but I
cared enough about my appearance and my health to do something about it. I
haven't run into any negative comments, and if I did, I would just ignore
them. Those people don't do anything for me, so why should I let them
bring me down. But now that I've rambled. Be your own best support! If
you do decide to tell anyone, and you get a negative reaction, just
remember your doing this for you! Your body, your health, and your state
of mind. Sometimes you have to be your own best friend to get through the
rough. I wish you the best!
— [Anonymous]
November 8, 2001
Tara: Pre-op, I only told my husband and very best friend. My husband was
all for it - my best friend did not think I should do it, but said she
would support me whatever I decided. I told my family after my surgery,
and was so surprised to find out they were extremely supportive. I have
not heard one negative thing from them. My niece had the surgery done a
year after mine, so I know it helped her to see how successful I was. Hope
this helps. (((HUGS)))
— nealp
November 8, 2001
Hi Tara, I told people about my surgery, but it was stressful to do so
sometimes. I don't see any reason to tell anyone, if you don't want to.
Look hard for at least one angel at this site. Especially, someone who can
drive you home if you can't take a cab. Maybe you could leave your Angel's
name on the paperwork and leave your family's numbers with your Angel in
case she/he would need them...?? Just a suggestion. There are lots of
great Angels out there...I'm sure you'll find one:) Good Luck!
— Nicole P.
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