Question:
Three weeks post-op, husband wants separation
Anyone else gone through this? Any words of wisdom? I was feeling good but wasn't even totally back on my feet (not back to work yet either because of a complication) and now I'm being asked to deal with this. He was lukewarm about the surgery but this feels like the ultimate sabotage. — Julia M. (posted on October 9, 2001)
October 8, 2001
First I will start by saying...I am so sorry. Men are strange sometimes
(no offense to any reading this..lol) I feel that they have trouble
expressing their emotions. Also, is he overweight? Maybe he is getting
jealous. Or maybe he fears that when you become this new skinny person he
will lose you anyway so why not leave now. I cant really speak for him.
Did you have issues before the surgery that were not taken care of?
Marriage is not easy it takes a lot of work and communication. I hope that
everything will work out for the two of you. Unfortunatly sometimes we
find out how the true person really is when we do things for ourselves,
especially when they are not used to that! All the best...Keep me posted!
Feel free to email me [email protected]
— Melissa S.
October 8, 2001
I have been pre-op since March and my husband also seems indifferent about
the surgery. I am having a hard time reading him on this issue. It seems
like when I want to talk about it, he is not interested, yet claims that he
is supportive. He is also a 'skinny' and doesn't understand the whole
'fat' world. I'm not sure how he is going to handle this. But I do know
one thing, I am doing this for me and my health, for my children to have a
healthy and happy mom. I am sorry to hear that your husband is putting you
through this, especially being so new post-op. I pray that things will
work out for you guys.
— Cheri M.
October 8, 2001
I'm sorry this has happen to you hopefully this will change to an outcome
you desire. As a man, if this happed to me and they walked out at this
point I would add their body weight to the amount of ugly fat you've lost.
— [Anonymous]
October 8, 2001
Well, it's not quite the same thing as I'm not married, but about 2 weeks
ago my long-term boyfriend decided that he wants to be "friends".
At first I was angry and feeling down on myself and that something about
me wasn't good enough and said that he could stop saying "it's me, not
you" because it was just too cliche'd, and tell me the truth. He
ended up crying on me, so I have to believe that this is really just about
him. He's unhappy with himself. He is 100 pounds overweight, but not
willing to change his life as drastically as the surgery. He knows that he
has a long, hard battle ahead of him to make himself into something HE
likes. You don't say if your husband is overweight or not. But, I don't
think this necessarily even matters. I think the issue is insecurity.
Unless you've had problems prior to your surgery, he can be feeling
insecure for any number of reasons. He could feel that you'll find someone
"better", or that he'll lose your doting on him. As the other
poster said, maybe he just wants to make the decision first, be in control.
Without knowing how your marriage was prior to surgery, all I can tell you
is what I have done. I have continued to tell my boyfriend that I love and
care about him. I've agreed to go on being his friend, and seeing him
through his doldrums. And all I can do is hope that my love with help him
feel more secure in me. Other words, maybe the best thing is for me to let
him go. Only you can make that decision. But, from the responses I got
just last week when I began my problems, know that you are not alone. I
don't know about anyone else, but this is not a complication I was warned
about. Best of luck.
— Tracy L.
October 8, 2001
"In sickness and health, until death do us part..." So much for
promises. Times of trial test us all, but your situation is a
demonstration of where an already weak relationship is broken by hardship.
My thought is thank God you found out what a rat his is now rather than
later.
Good Luck to you!
— merri B.
October 9, 2001
I doubt I am full of wisdom, but I can say if you need to vent I am a good
listener. I think he is selfish and right now you need support. I do think
there are issues that hopefully can be worked out. And if not dont beat
yourself up trying to analize this situation(easier said than done I know)
A marriage is a partnership, friendship and in my opinion lifestyle. Too
many people dump friends that arent good friends but try to hang on to
spouses that arent good friends. He may be insecure but whatever his
problems are they are just that his. Just remember you are a better person
than that. I know I may not be making any sense. I guess what I am trying
to say is if you try your best and it doesnt work, cut your losses and move
on to be the better, healthier, wonderful, happy person you started this
journey to be with or without him.I am sure there was a time you made it
before hand so I am sure you can do it again. My only real advice is keep a
shoulder to lean on and I think you will do ok. I have two right here, so
loaning one is not a problem.
— Briana A.
October 9, 2001
Quite often people are threatened by our success. Unfortunatley, some of
those people are within our own family systems. Seemingly, an already
fragile situation fell apart at a time when you need the most support. You
are on the road to recovery and I am certain that you will do alright. You
have taken the first step in many to improve YOUR mental and physical well
being. It is my belief that you are responsible for your own actions and
not the actions of others. If in fact this is true, and I believe it is,
then why burden your self with the baggage of others. I know it is easier
said than done, but I ask that you see this situation as another hurdle and
jump over it. Do not cheat by going under it. Get past it! You can and I
know you will. You may need to seek professional help to get over this.
If that is the case do so. I have been socialized to think that
professional help (therapist) is not for my race, but I have learned the
hard way to disregard this. Best wishes to you and your family.
CW
— [Anonymous]
October 9, 2001
I think that your husbands want out of the marriage has absolutely
nothing to do with your surgery. He's using the surgery as an excuse
because that makes him feel like he has a reason for wanting to leave
...that's it's all your fault. Take care of your body. But, be honest
with yourself. There have been problems in your marriage for a while now
....separate them from your wls.....and deal with them.
— [Anonymous]
October 9, 2001
I know this isn't the same as your circumstances but I think it speaks to
how people change after a loved one has WLS. My best friend for 13 years
dumped me within the first few weeks of my surgery. We were extremely close
as we had both lost our husbands within a year of each other and helped
each other through everything. Her husband left her for a younger girl and
my husband passed away suddenly. Our friendship seemed strong until I began
to speak about surgery. She was negative on the idea (she's and RN and
could only talk about the bad things that could happen). She weighed about
the same as me but said she would never even consider the surgery even
though she was always very unhappy about her weight. I didn't try to push
her. I followed my own feelings and had the surgery. She visited me twice
after surgery and cried for herself both times at my weight loss. I tried
to talk to her about it but she got mad and clammed up. We haven't spoken
since (this was in April 2001). It was a big loss for me but after a long
hard look and much counseling I realized that there were many problems
besides the surgery and she was not the friend I thought she was. I
realized that my surgery was just an excuse for her to go her own way. It
may be the same for you. If your relationship was strong before surgery it
would survive. I am sorry for what is happening to you and I hope that you
deal with it and become your own, new, happy person. After that happens,
everything else, including how your marriage turns out, will fall into
place. Best wishes to you. p.s. I am so happy with my weight loss that I
would not change a thing.
— [Anonymous]
October 10, 2001
Julia, I am truly sorry that you have to deal with this now. Most likely
you were having problems prior to this, but he leaves much to be desired
for his timing. After surgery, most of us undergo a sense of depression,
and we need all the support we can get. However, you can't dwell on his
decision to leave you. You need to focus on regaining your strength and
lifestyle changes. Take this time to concentrate on improving Julia. I
don't know if you have kids, but spend as much time as you can exercising
and improving little things about yourself. Consider your run away husband
as excess baggage and release him with the soon to be shedded pounds. God
bless you, and keep your head up high.
— Tammy W.
October 11, 2001
On the up side, you'll be looking good soon. There are lots of fish in the
sea. Let him go.. like someone else said
why would you want him around when he doesn't want to be?
Hang in there things will get better! Good Luck
— Cindee A.
October 11, 2001
I know everyone keeps telling you to hang in there and it feels impossible
now but they are right it will get better. My ex left me while I was in the
hospital after having our second daughter.(he had a girlfriend) I thought
my world was ending but thank God it didn't. It was REALLY hard for awhile
but it did get better and now I believe my life has been better without
him. How could we still love a person so insensitive. So believe us, hang
in there, it will get better.
— MaryAnn51
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