Question:
How do i get me husband to understand the medical need for this surgery, and get more

support out of him. All i get is it's your body do what you want. Or i get, you look fine to me. (not realizing i don't look fine to me) He just feels have my stomach altered is wrong and unsafe. I have tried showing him some before and after of people (mainly men) and still nothing. This is something i really want to do, but i know for this to work i need home support. so please help    — gidget F. (posted on June 19, 2001)

June 19, 2001
Hi, I don't have a husband, but I have a boyfriend who was very shocked and apprehensive when I first started talking about this. He felt that it was just too drastic for me to do that to look better. He really didn't get that I wanted to "feel" better. He totally thought everything was a-okay and didn't realize the problems and lack of life that being this overweight causes. Part of my bringing him around was talking to him about the things I wanted to do that I can't do now. Like, scuba diving - they'd have to tie an anvil to sink me, travel more, walk places, enjoy moving. Slowly, he started to get it and now is very supportive. I'm not saying that's the answer, but it might help. My sister is dead set against me having the surgery and basically has resigned to "it's your body" to me. I have been unable to convince her that the health benefits outweigh the risk. Some people just refuse to be convinced because of their own issues. I think my sister wants me to stay fat because if this works, maybe others will push her to do it (which is not true, it isn't for everyone). I would try to find out from your husband where exactly his fears lie, and focus more on how you will be able to DO more. Maybe when he sees you are doing it to change the quality of your life, he'll see that as more worth the risk then just looking good. Best of luck. Meredith
   — Meredith P.

June 19, 2001
My husband doesn't understand either. I have been trying to find a company where I can rent one of the "fat suits" so my husband can wear it fo a day and get an idea on how it feels to be 100+ lbs overweight. Men seem to think that it is all about getting into a 2 piece and showing off you body to the world. I sorry, but I could care less about being a size 5 I just want to be able to walk from my house to my car without running out of breath.
   — richter454

June 19, 2001
Hi:0) My husband was all for it until we went to a informational meeting and then he was totally against it. However, I just continued to do my research on it. Whenever there was a program on about Weight loss surgeries I'd watch. He'd go to the computer to play a game but I could see he was turning around watching the program. However, I think what really changed his mind and "attitude" towards this surgery was when he had to go to our family doctor for something and the first thing our dr. said to him was how's the wife? She had the surgery yet? And then they talked for about 30 minutes on ME! He finally saw how important this was too me and that I wasn't going into it with my eyes closed. He knows I know all about the pro's and con's of this surgery. He knows I know the possible complications. Now he's doing everything he possible can to help me get this covered! However, I won't lie I did make him a deal. If we get this covered and he's with me on this...he can shave his head! Ugh..but hey I'm getting what I really want and so is he. LOL.. It's hard for husbands to understand but once they get more information on it and see how important it is to you I believe the can come around. Cuz my husband did a big 360 on me...best wishes....
   — WIBlueyes

June 19, 2001
He's right in a sense. It is YOUR body and YOUR life. It would have been nice to have his support, but this is a personal decision, and you're the one who will benefit or be harmed from it. I'm married and I'm fortunate that he understood, and he also gave me enough space to research and decide for myself. I admire him for that, but some of my other family members spoke out against my decision and I know they love me, but in the end I was the one who had to live with my choice. You know how being an obesed person makes you feel. Go with your heart, and your husband will eventually understand. Good Luck!
   — Tonya M.

June 19, 2001
I can't say how to get your husband to be more supportive. But don't forget those of us around here, are here to support you too. My husband is 1000% behind me, though he has that "It's your choice" attitude too. Maybe you can make a friend in your area who's had the surgery. My husband has seen my friend, and post-op, Amie Vardaman go through the post-op transformation of the last three months and the more he sees the more he's interested in seeing me more healthy. He's starting to understand that at the weight I'm at I am not healthy and will eventually die from my co-morbids. Or maybe try asking him to go to a support group meeting in your area? Even if he won't go, you need to go so you know you have the support around you =) This is a decision you will make for you, not him, not for your daughter.... But I know how hard it is to have your children look at you "this way" Keep your chin up and keep working him up, and hopefully he'll come around.
   — Elizabeth D.

June 20, 2001
I was having some trouble with my husband at first but now he is 100% behind me. I think the turning point came when I got him to sit down with me and listen to how carrying this weight around everyday makes my life so difficult. I explained how much more active we could be together after the surgery. He knows how much trouble my hips and knees give me. But the bottom line is none of us would go through the pain of this surgery if it wasn't a last resort for us. We are desparately in need of help. By the time we finished talking he said he would pay the whole 40,000.00 for the surgery if he had to. And that makes me love him even more. Good luck.
   — Jolie M.

October 29, 2001
Mine is still iffy. He want's me to do what I think I need to do, but sometimes he still thinks there must be something else I can try. I think he forgets about the health issues since I don't have a lot of comorbidities and just focuses on the looking better rather than feeling better. I useually remind him that we can't go on roller coasters together, because either we wont fit together or I won't fit at all. That killed me since we both are MAJOR roller coaster fans. Be patient with him. Men deal with things differently. Plus, mine has told me he doesn't like the idea of them "chopping me up". It's mainly a fear based thing. He Loves me & doesn't want anything bad to happen to me, and feels in a sense like we do. We're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Neither option is ideal, but at least the surgery gives me a chance that I might not have otherwise. :)
   — Beverly M.