Question:
Any experience on how to keep your WLS private?

I have read a lot of post where family members were opposed to our wls. In the beginning, I went through this with my mom. However, she knows how head strong and independent I am so she got of the subject and supported me in the surgery and I love her for it. My biggest problem now is she is telling everyone about my surgery, what my doctor said or did, what I can and cannot eat. She is telling everything. We live in a town of 2000 people and I feel like half the town knows of my wls. I am about to explode with her. From the beginning, I told her to keep it under wraps. I only wanted to share this experience with my immediate family and on this supportive web site. Any advice on how to handle this issue. My mom is very sensitive and her feelings are easily hurt. I want to nip this in the bud without causing WWIII.    — Jan M. (posted on December 6, 2000)

December 6, 2000
Jan, I understand your concern, I am going to speak very openly with you on this topic because I had the same issue. You made a very courageous (sp) choice to have this proccedure. Your weight loss is going to be noticed by everyone. You may want to look at it this way: Everyone who comes in contact with you will be curious about how you lost your weight. I tell my people it was hard work and determination. That is what is the truth if you are really working with this tool. There is no reason to be ashamed, not saying you are but I would welcome every question, comment or gesture that anyone has regarding your loss. You open it up!!! Just step right into it. Tell them all what you did and how you did it. You will be surprised at what will come back. I know small towns and people talking can be disturbing. And your Mom maay be doing a little more talking to folks than you like. She is proud of you I am sure. I know we here at AMOS are. You may want to tell her that this was a very personal thing for you and to let you "field" all of the question that anyone has . Ask her to let you be the one who shares this news. Your weight loss will tell the rest of the story....Good luck & Blessings.
   — Courtrina Amur W.

December 6, 2000
Jan, I also live in a small town. Fifteen years ago using diet and exercise I lost 110 pounds. Unfortunately, at 90 pounds down I became very ill and spent a month in the hospital including two surgeries. Before long, everyone I knew thought I had cancer or AIDS. My own Grandmother was convinced that I was dying of cancer. When I had my WLS, I told folks exactly what I was doing. I don't really care if most folks agree with my decision because it is MY decision. For the most part, everyone has been interested and supportive. In a small town, if you have changes going on in your life there will be talk. I decided that I wanted there to be some degree of accuracy to the gossip, so I got it off on the right foot <smile>.
   — Nanette T.

December 6, 2000
I had a similar thing happen to me- I am not ashamed of having WLS, but my private life is just that PRIVATE! If I was having my wisdom teeth out I probably wouldn't share that either :-). I spoke to the person (a close family member) that was telling people and asked them to please keep my affairs private- they became defensive at first but lighted-up when I started talking about other things. I think that there are careful ways to speak with your mother so not to hurt her feelings. I know from being from a small town that- what "they" don't know about you "they" will make up.So I say let "them" do the work I also know that people can try to sabatoge our progresses and not want us to succeed. We need to take care of ourselves and stay on the possitive side of things the best we can. I say if you want to keep your WLS private, DO. If you want to shout it from the roof tops then DO that. I know how you feel and wish you the best of luck with your weight loss and your mother. ~Peace~
   — [Anonymous]

December 7, 2000
Jan ... Pride does weird things to people, ESPECIALLY mothers. I'm sure she's just bustin' her buttons over how well you've done, rather than out of some evil desire to tell your business everywhere. My mother tells everybody everything too, and only because she's so proud of me. As time goes on, people WILL notice that you're considerably smaller than you used to be and they WILL be curious about how you got that way. I gave up trying to keep my surgery quiet after about the nine gazillionth question about what diet I was on. I figure it's an opportunity to educate people and share what has been an overwhelmingly positive experience for me. You might ask your mother to be selective about who she tells, and what she tells, but I'd pretty much guarantee you she's coming from a place of pride and love for you. Unless it gets REALLY personal, I'd just let it go. She loves you, you love her, and BOTH of you have reasons to be proud. Congratulations -- and warm thoughts always,
   — Cheryl Denomy

December 7, 2000
I can sympathize with you completely. My own parents did not necessarily support my decision. I made it clear to them that I wanted to be in control of who I told and when - when I was comfortable and ready. What did my father do? He told everyone on his side of the family. I know it was not out of hurtfulness that he did it, but nonetheless it hurt my feelings, and I told him it was very inappropriate. I know you don't want to hurt your mom, but at the same time you have feelings too and she needs to respect them. She may not be happy about it, but I would still sit down with her and talk about it - even at the risk of hurting her initially. She will come to understand your point of view. I was very private in the beginning about my own experience, and I still am at work. When I was pre-op I did not want the pressures of other's opinions, nor did I want my success jeopardized (sp) in any way. As I started to lose weight, more and more people at church have noticed and have given me tremendous compliments. I have been very lucky. This has all happened in very positive ways, and it has opened the doors to educating people about WLS. But it has happened at my choosing. At work, I am still guarded. I am sure people have noticed the loss (so far 91 lbs), but they respect me enough that if I don't talk about it, they don't mention it. Good luck and hang in there. Even though this did not happen at your choosing, don't let it saboutage your success or make you feel ashamed of what you did. You took your health - and your life - back. Be proud of your accomplishment and enjoy the new you!!!
   — Paula G.

December 7, 2000
Hi Jan, I feel for you. I've been on both ends. I am the biggest tattle tale in the whole world. When I was 9years old, my sister lit a cigarette in the back seat of the car, and I tattled to my Mom in the front seat!!!! She had started smoking in front of my Mom on a convention while I stayed with my Grandmother!!! My kids tell me all the time not to tell private things, I try!!! I wrote someone in my area that had WLS with my surgeon before I had mine. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. One day, I phone her, and she wasn't at home, I left a message with her daughter. Well, my name, and caller ID info became a discussion with her daughters. It ended up being one of her daughter was a friend on mine that didn't know I had surgery!!! She called me back, and was too excited for me. I was having several complications from my surgery, and she ended up coming to my house, and cleaned it for me. She was such a gem. I went to see her on her job this week- at 130#- and when she introduced me to her co-worker, she mentioned I was the friend of hers that had the surgery like her mom and sister!!! It knocked me back, then I pulled out my before and after picture!!!! It was a wonderful ego boost after all. Please try to find the good in what you Mom is doing. I would love to be able for my Mom to see me now. I hope she is telling everyone in Heaven that "that's my skinny daughter!!!" Good Luck, and God Bless You --
   — CohenHeart

December 7, 2000
Jan, I understand your desire for privacy. I am a very private person and I have put up a lifetime of people (even strangers) telling what I SHOULD/SHOULD NOT do regarding my weight. I am not ashamed that I had surgery, I just don't think it is anybody else's business. I told my immediate family and their reactions ranged from extremely supportive to mildly accepting. I told my boss the truth because she has the same problem. She is supportive, but concerned in a caring way. Everyone else that "needed an answer" was told that I had abdominal surgery to remove adhesions and scar tissue from earlier surgeries that were causing me problems/pain. This is not a lie, it is just not the WHOLE truth. When the weight loss becomes noticeable and people inevitably begin to comment, I plan to tell them that I had to go on a strict diet and exercise regimen due to serious health problems. Again, this is the truth, it simply omits the part about the gastric bypass surgery. I am a Christian and try not to lie, but on this issue, I REFUSE to put up with some people's ignorant, ill-informed, unsolicited judgements. YES, this is a huge issue with me. Maybe you could try explaining to your mom in a non-threatening way. My mom lives in a small town, and everyone knows everyone else's business. Lying goes against her grain, but in the end she understood and tells people who ask the agreed upon version of the truth. Another "polite white lie" is to just say you had surgery for female problems and feel so much better you have started an exercise program. Men will change the subject immediately and women will either commiserate or share their own "adventures with female problems". Again, it is stretching the truth, but after all, you are a female and did have a problem, right??? *grin* Anyway, I hope this helps you, whatever you decide. Good luck and God Bless. (Open RNY 11/17/00)
   — Lynn T.