Question:
Advise on how to talk to family about having WLS.
I have only told my husband, mother and best friend (that has had the surgery about 10 years ago) that I want to and am going to have this surgery. I've been approved and I'm waiting for doctor to schedule surgery. I need advise (real advise) on how to explain this to my children ages 15, 12 and 8. Also on how to talk to my in-law's and extended family that is sliently crictical of my weight. — Kathie S. (posted on September 8, 1999)
September 8, 1999
Ksthie, WHy not just tell your children the truth? THey are old enough to
understand the basics of the operation (especially with some visual aids
provided by your dr.)--obviously, they've lived with you all their life and
know you have a weight problem, so I would think they'd understand your
need for the surgery. Also, you will need their support afterwards, I
promise! Good luck--
— charlene M.
September 8, 1999
I can really appreciate this question as it is one I currently face...I
have no children, however, as an educator I can not stress the importance
of honesty . Tell your children that this is what you have to do to live a
better quality of life...they don't need to know the biology, just that you
value them so much that you want to be there for them as long as you
can...to love them with all your heart and body...express the dreams you
have about the things you would like to do with them now, but cant do due
to your weight..things that can be a reality with the help of WLS surgery.
Focus on how great you KNOW you will feel...express that it will be a
difficult road of recovery, but you knpw that they will be there for you.
Just be honest and le them know what is going on. As for extended family
and in laws...if they have not been supportive in the past or uninvolved,
let them find out whenever they do...probably after and at that point smile
and shine as that weight falls off your body and the wonderful you
underneath radiates. If you are close and don't want to injure any
relationship, tell them, but as close to your surgery date as possible.
This will help cut down on the available time they have to add input that
may either stress you out or weaken your drive to go on. You are the focal
point and it is you that deserves to be supported and blessed. Be firm
with your responses and exercise your right to decorum and privacy. It is
all " Mind over matter " if it isn't on your mind, then it
doesn't matter !
— Jackie S.
September 8, 1999
Thanks for the email, sorry I could not get you back via AOL. I understand
how children can be very literal when they say " I love you just the
way you are"...they are being a source of comfort and would not want
you to jeopardize your health via going for an operation...irnic since we
know that just being so over weight brings a bag of complications that
jeopardizes our health...I was thinking back on when my own mother lost
over 100 lbs when I was about 12..I was then about 30 lbs overweight. I
felt highly threatened and acted out..I sort of hated her for now being
skinnier than me...she got a great deal of attention for it. Since I was in
the midst of puberty, it was kind of a threat to my new found
femininity...your children will react to what you focus on. My mom didn't
share much with me during this time and I felt " left out"...she
wasn't helping me lose weight...of course, as I grew older, my outlook
changed...yet today she weighs 145 soaking wet and I am about 325...it is
an area we are unable to deal with together..for several reasons. Your
children will respect you in the long run..just be honest and sincere. I
think as people who are this over weight, we tend to fantasize what we will
be like thinner..ladies and gentlemen...you are the same person inside with
the same feelings...my mom even still deals with the eating hang ups she
had when she was fat ! Do this for you..you are so worth it and be proud
that you have even come this far..it is not easy and we all require a great
deal of support...lean on your family...you can email me at
[email protected] care..
— Jackie S.
September 8, 1999
I explained to my boys, who were 11 and 12 when I had
surgery, the health problems that I was having from being
so overweight. They have both lived through the humiliation
of having a fat mom - the jokes, the pointing, the whispers
behind my back. They were both okay with it. I didn't see
them while I was in the hospital, but they were both there
for my pre-op testing so they knew where I was going to be.
And I talked to them on the phone every evening while I was
gone. They did well with it, and of course now their friends
ask them what happened to me and I am sure they tell them
everything.
— dboat
September 8, 1999
Kathi ...
Tell your children the truth, and let them know that this is private.
Explain to them that you want to be happier and more active in their lives,
and that there is a surgery that will help you do that. That you are
willing to do this because you love them and their dad and yourself and
that this will improve your entire families quality of life. As far as
your in laws or extended family, be honest with them as well, but be firm
... this is your decision and you have made it. You are not going to them
for their permission, but you would appreciate their support. If they
cannot be a positive factor in this journey, then ask them to refrain from
broaching the subject. And trust me ... if anyone gives you any crap, a
year from now they will be eating their hat! A word to the wise, I have
found that the people most critical are those who are jealous, in my
experience that has been overweight women without the courage to take this
step. Remember, live well, laugh often & love much.
— Mary Anne M.
September 8, 1999
Honestly and openly. Tell them all that you have decided to take control
of your life and you've tried every other method to lose weight on your
own, and that you've decided to have surgery to help you get the weight off
and keep it off this time. To those who are "silently critical"
I wouldn't necessarily offer any explanation at all ... I'd just let them
see the results.
— Sherrie G.
September 9, 1999
I've been wondering and don't think I'm really QUALIFIED to answer this,
but I can tell you what I understand now and how I explain it
retroactively. Consider it like diabetes, we don't burn calories, we
store 'em. I explain that much as diabetes cannot be controlled via will
power, neither can an incurable disease. Go to the web site for the
National Institutes of Health and note their statistics on
"curing" morbid obesity. There is their statement that diets
don't work. I don't think we can ever cure the misconcentption that we're
fat because we're lazy or stupid, but we can at least TRY with our own
families. They may continue to see it as "an excuse" and there's
nothing you can do about it. One of my closest freinds still considers that
I took the easy way out. Please visit my web site (www.vitalady.com). My
calories have been cut to about 300 actually absorbed by the surgery that
I've had. If I wasn't broken, I would've died from the severity of this
surgery. To me, the proof is in the fact that as radcially altered as I
have been, I still continue to hold a steady wt and maintain health only
with the use of supplements. I can't get enough out of my food to keep me
healthy, so severely have my calories been cut. AS to your children, I
think it is critical not to lie to them. If you tell them you've dieted
the wt off, you've set them up for failure, too. But all you can give them
is what they'll understand. You're BROKEN. The surgery isn't the best
thing in the world, truly, but it's all we have. Diabetics would rather
have a quick surgery than daily shots, I'm sure. But that's the best they
have right now. WE have to settle for what is available today. And that
is to simply cut the calories, drastically like mine, or less radically
with the more common procedures. WE CANNOT burn the calories we eat, no
matter how few. And if we eat few enough, we die of malnutrtition, even at
300 #! Does that make sense?
— vitalady
September 10, 1999
Thanks so much for all of your advise. I plan on telling my children as so
as a date is set. I've already been approved and I've had a psych test
done and now I'm waiting on my doctor to get the lead out. As for my
in-laws...I like the anwser...they'll find out when they find out!
— Kathie S.
December 25, 2000
My 15 year old daughter is my greatest supporter. Amazingly, WLS is the
only thing I have shared with her lately that isn't "lame" She
got a size 5 vinyl skirt for Xmas today and offered to save it for me. I
have my first consult on January 10, 2001, and my dream is to lose 100# by
this time next year. If your children have seen you struggle with dieting
and listened to the horrible uncensored comments of the skinnys and other
children, they will be extremely supportive and loving for you!
— Elaine P.
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