Question:
Just wondering....
Hi everyone....I hope no one takes this the wrong way. I am 23 years old and since I'm so heavy I've never had a boyfriend. Most of the time this doesn't bother me. My profile elaborates on my life a little more but to make a long story short...I have overcome an anxiety disorder, as well as working on body shame/compulsive eating stuff in therapy. I'm a very independent person but I'm really starting to think about dating more than ever. I think at this point I'm at a good emotional stage. I see most of you have signifigant others even before surgery. I know looks aren't everything, but it just seems like it'll never happen to me. I keep saying to myself I'll wait till after surgery. But even then I'm sure it will be hard. Does this make sense? I'm just curious how everyone met their signifigant others and that they accepted you at pre-op stage. I've tried to meet people...I dont get many opportunities...I've placed personals but it seems like I'm always apologizing for my weight. I'll say yes I'm very overweight but I work out frequently and I'm having surgery soon. I've been to clubs/singles dances but no one will hit on me, and I'll admit it kind of hurts. I'm not "desperate" and wanna date just anyone, but it just seems like no one would ever want me. Any advise would be greatly appreciated...thanks! :) — mzcath (posted on August 21, 2002)
August 21, 2002
Cathy- Have no fear I am confident you will meet your true love. I got
married at 300lbs...We met over the internet.. I see a lot of people being
very shallow in picking people based on looks alone..I didn't date much for
that reason. How sad for all those people.. I always wonder what they do
when the good looks fade...You will find a wonderful man who will love you
for the warm, caring person you are!!! Don't apologize for your weight!!!
If a man doesn't like you because you are too "fat" for him..his
loss!!!! He doesn't know what he is missing! One tip once you start dating
more.. is ....Don't "SETTLE" for someone who isn't what you want
because you are afraid you won't get a better offer!
— Allie A.
August 21, 2002
Cathy, don't be so hard on yourself!!! I am a firm believer in "good
things come to those who wait". At 23, you still have your whole life
ahead of you. When the time is right, the right man will come into your
life. In my case, he came into my life when I wasn't looking or worrying
about why I didn't have someone special in my life. I made a lot of good
friends along the way that I was able to go out and have a good time with.
Go out and enjoy yourself with them. When I met my husband, I wasn't
looking for someone to start a relationship with. We started communicating
through e-mail at work when he asked a simple question reference work
procedures. We worked for the same office, but were at different
sub-stations, so I didn't know who he was nor did he know who I was. The
e-mails kept going back and forth and we got to know each other that way
first. Later, we moved on to telephone calls and continued getting to know
each other that way. We never discussed what we looked like. We just knew
that we liked each other because we found that we had the same likes,
dislikes, values, etc. About 2 months after the phone calls, we finally
decided it was time to meet face to face. I guess because we had gotten to
know each other thru e-mails and phone calls, it was like getting together
with someone we had known all our lives. We were very comfortable with each
other and found we could continue on the friendship we built previously.
That was 10 years ago and we are still together growing strong. I strongly
believe that if it had been any other way, we would not have lasted this
long. I accepted him as he is and he accepted me as I am. Now, I am
looking to have the surgery and supports me 100%! Not because of how I
look, but because of the co-morbidities that I am now beginning to
experience. Don't worry!!! It will happen!!! And when it does, you will
be ready to start a new chapter in your life. Take care and just be
patient. Feel free to e-mail me if you want to talk. Mari
— Mari T.
August 21, 2002
When you are not looking for it, love will come your way. Focus on yourself
right now. As your weight drops, your confidence will rise and your body
language is what will attract the man of your dreams. DO NOT worry about
what your body will look like, worry about your health. It will all mess
when it is meant to be. For me, dropping 30lbs so far has done a world of
good. I am only 5 weeks out and already I can tell me attitude is changing.
When you don't look good, you don't feel good and people like people who
act confident. Hang in there! I know exactly what you are feeling. I got
married at 33 and didn't have alot of boyfriends. I am so glad I didn't
just run off with any Tom, Dick or Harry because I got a good one. Stay
positive!
— Suzie B.
August 21, 2002
Hey, Cathy, take a breath and look at what you've already done to get
yourself emotionally prepared for a soul mate, let alone what you are
preparing to do. This time was not wasted, it was spent preparing.
Regarding finding a boyfriend... I really feel that nightclubs are not the
right place for anyone to find someone. Since it is so loud, people have
to rely strictly on looks and body language to choose their
"prey" for the evening. Even then, the objective is usually not
a long term relationship. By reading your post, I got the impression your
self-esteem will need to improve before you can have the confidence to
pursue and be comfortable in a relationship. Finding one is tough enough,
being comfortable that he really isn't judging you is really tough. Let's
hope a 50 pound loss after your surgery gives you the confidence to be a
little more aggressive. By the way, when I was in college, I asked guys
out. Something like "don't wait for someone to give you flowers,
plant your own flower garden." Sometimes I would fib a little, say
that I won two tickets to the movie theater, desparately wanted to catch
the wrestling match, etc... sometimes I just suggested that I buy HIM
dinner to thank him for help, because it is the end of summer, there is a
cool place to try, etc... Cousin gave me tickets to the baseball game...
that kind of thing. I met my husband as a junior in high school. We were
drinking/kissing buddies all through college, each having other
relationships but building a solid friendship (in which I would tell him
every other week how much I REALLY liked him). He didn't believe me. He
kept telling my sister how much he liked me, but he didn't act on it, and I
didn't have the self-esteem to believe it. The way he tells it now, it
took seven years for me to "spin my web". We have been married
almost 10 years now. I asked him out almost exclusively. I always had
premium beer in my fridge to encourage him and his friends to stop by. I
always invited myself to their tailgate parties, road trips, parties,
etc... Try baseball games (major or minor), the gym, church, ANY sporting
event. And then go for broke if someone seems nice. Do you want to join
us at Fridays after the game? Do you like miniature golfing? NEVER
apologize for your weight. It is part of you right now, and YOU HAVE A LOT
TO OFFER.
— Karen F.
August 21, 2002
Hi Cathy -
I got married at 340. We met online. I posted an ad on a BBW site and he
responded. Before him, I also met 3 other guys online that I dated
briefly. I didn't apologize for myself though, just put it out there and
figured if they had a problem they wouldn't contact me. You have to learn
how to weed out the "losers" though.
— jen41766
August 21, 2002
By the way - I was 32!
— jen41766
August 21, 2002
karen fisher said it all and then some!!! woowho you go girl. i have aol
and have a personal profile posted that states first thing right out front
"very over weight" since i'm 5'3 312lbs as you can tell i'm still
pre op waiting approval. i've met a few guy's through the aol media some
were jerks some were losers and some have been really cute believe it or
not. just haven't found the right one yet but what's the hurry i've already
been through one long term relationship and have three kids. but for you i
know to much time on your hands can be boreing so do like karen said and do
the seeking and asking first. if they say no then they wern't worth it
anyway. (((HUGS))) kimberly ps e-mail me if you'd like and btw i'm 33
— kimberly T.
August 21, 2002
Hey girl. My advice. Hold your head up, stick your boobs out, and smile.
As everyone else here has said, it is ALL about attitude. I have been
obese all of my life (I'm 33, 5'3 and have ranged between 230-270 for most
of my adult years) and have never wanted for a boyfriend. And I have
GOOOOOOOOOD (and picky) taste in men. I can honestly say I've never dated
someone I thought was unattractive (inside or out) (OK, there was one guy.
That was a mistake. But I was young.).
I've suggested this book to others on the site -- there is a book called
"Mama Gena's Guide to the Womanly Arts" -- and it ROCKS. The
basic premise is that any woman, no matter what size, age, etc., has the
power to achieve anything she wants from men -- all through (subtle)
flirting and believing in herself. She says that if you don't walk through
every moment of your life believing that you have an invisible red feather
boa around your neck, then you're doing it wrong. It takes practice.
Practice believing in yourself, practice smiling, etc....but it can be easy
as pie, if you believe you deserve it. I am currently single (by choice)
because I don't want some damn man distracting me from my goal of WLS, but
I know, in my heart of hearts, that if I wanted to today, I could flip that
imaginary boa around my neck (it is currently resting on my shoulders, not
wrapped around my neck) and some guy would come running. :) Believe you
are beautiful. I have never seen you, and hell, I know that you are.
— Tamara K.
August 21, 2002
I dated lots of FRIENDS, a really nice gal once said bob your a nice guy
when dumping me. I asked her what she wanted? A guy who misstreated her?
Odd thing me and Jen ran into her a few months ago. She gave me the BIGGEST
hug when she saw me. Before loosing all the weight she never did that.
Several other similiar situations have occured since WLS. Your entire life
is going to change for the better, just be patient and give surgery a
chance to work. Soon the guys will be falling at your feet!:) Woman who are
heavy tend to have better personalties than the thin ones who KNOW they are
drop dead gorgeous, with their nose stuck in the air... So once you loose
you will be beautiful AND have a great personality! Of course I was always
attracted to big gals. Sometimes the before pictures here look better than
the after ones for me. But I know the afters are much healthier! Lots of
people here have troubles ith realtionships here after WLS. Consider
yourself fortunate you can build a new one unfettered with weight affecting
your choic and causing post op troubles..
— bob-haller
August 21, 2002
Hi Cathy I can so relate to your question. I have dated but not very much.
The two serious relationships bascially ended because of my weight. (so
they say) The last guy I met on line and was told by him that he was not
attracted to me but yet used me to get on his feet before he left. Right
now I am continually working on my inner being. I've had enough and will
not settle for anything less than God's best for me. I DESERVE BETTER AND
SO DO U!! Don't rush and please don't settle. The fact that you haven't
had a boyfriend will sort of make you vulunerble but be strong and find out
actually what u are looking for in a mate. (write it down) Trust me it is
better emotionally to be by yourself than to put up with some shallow man
that can not see the beauty you posess in the inside. Hang in there :)
— evieyw
August 21, 2002
Cathy, Please never apologize for yourself like that. You are a very
worthy and special person. I read your profile and you sound so
intellegent and interesting! I love it that you have the nerve to take
those tap dancing classes! It sounds like you are taking advantage of
opportunities to meet people. You are young, and there is time to find
someone. However, I do understand about being alone. It is a bummer to be
lonely. Just keep active in the things you enjoy doing. Like they say,
Mr. Right will show up when you are least expecting him! People used to
tell me to stop looking and that is when he'll show up. Whatever! It is
kinda hard to stop looking, huh?!?! Take care. Focus on you. Improving
your self image is the key. Men love self assured women. But, become self
assured, not for a man, but for you! Best wishes.
— A. S.
August 22, 2002
Hi Cathy. I just wanted to let you know that there is somebody out there
for everybody. I have big friends and small friends and you know what, The
small ones don't always easily get Mr. Right either. Loneliness is
certainly not fun but EVERYONE goes through it. I myself am single, happily
single. Thats the main issue. If you can't be happy alone then there is no
way that you can develop a sucessful relationship with anyone else. Maybe
you need this time to yourself to focus on the things that really matter,
your health and longtime happiness. Dont worry, your Mr. Right will come
just in time to sweep you off of your feet and you will live happily ever
after, But until then, feel luck that you dont have to deal with the jerks
any more than necessary. Oh and stop looking. You will always find what you
want when you are not looking for it.
— Teekay80
August 22, 2002
I met my beloved when I was 40 years old, and married him at age 42. I had
always said I wouldn't get married until I met someone who made me happier
than I made myself [and I was doing a great job!] I finally met that
someone. I had put away the marriage & kids dreams. So all I can
really say is have a great life, don't wait for someone else to improve it-
but stay open to possibilities!
— Karen N.
August 22, 2002
Cathy,
I just wanted to post to say I fully enjoyed reading all of the other posts
here. Made me almost cry at my computer. Everyone here is very special in 1
way or another, girl keep your chin up. SMILE , you're not alone you have
all of us, and you have yourself....
— tannedtigress
August 22, 2002
Cathy, I am here to tell you that weight does NOT mean everything to all
men. I started dating my boyfriend October 2001 before my WLS. I was NOT
even thinking about the surgery at that point in my life. I didn't like
being fat, but the surgery was never an option for me. When we started
dating I weighted about 315 lbs. By December I was up to 340 lbs. He
NEVER mentioned my weight even once to me. I went to my doctor and got my
referral and then talked to him. Let me tell you that us meeting was
totally by accident. I ran into him in a room that some of my friends went
to and it was my first time to go with them. Love hits you when you least
expect it. If you find a man that loves you; he will love you NO matter
what you look like. Love yourself and then he can love you, too. I just
thank GOD that Roger is in my life now and really glad that he came into my
life before I had surgery. I don't think that I could handle the dating
world after I have lost all my weight. I would be too bitter. GOOD LUCK
with your upcoming events and surgery. Trish =o)
— Patricia L.
August 25, 2002
Just adding my 2 cents. <br>
I once got dumped because I wasn't fat enough. <br>
Real men like women whatever weight they are.
— Gremlin Q.
August 26, 2002
Hi...I just wanted to let you know I asked a similar question not too long
ago and got a lot of great responses too, so you might want to check the
library (sorry, I can't remember what heading I put it under...Emotions,
perhaps?) Anyway, the whole man/woman love relationship thing is hard.
It's so hard (for me) not to be envious of the large ladies out there who
have managed to have the self-confidence/luck/whatever it takes not just to
date, but to meet their soul mates, but I wish the best for us all, anyway.
At four months post op I am now in normal sizes (14-16), and while I still
have a ways to go before I am thin, at least I don't feel completely
unattractive and unworthy...little by little I am getting back "into
the game" so to speak. I am sure your experience will be
similar...good luck!
— rebeccamayhew
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