Question:
Anyone understand pre-op avoidance?
I'll start with some good news...I am attending my first support group meeting at Dartmouth Clinic in Manchester 6/14...so I'm excited about that :) I guess I'm having a hard time right now with getting out. I also have anxiety issues and for awhile I was doing really well and starting not to completely hate myself and my appearnace. ever since I've decided to consider surgery though, I feel like I have to put everything on hold. I don't have a problem doing everyday things, like going to work or shopping or anything, but I've lost interest in everything else. I feel like I've let myself get so bad that I'll just have to wait till after surgery to go out like dancing on a Saturday night for example. I really don't have many friends...I'm pretty independent anyways but I've been kind of isolating myself for the past couple months. Did anyone else feel like this at pre-op stage? It's not like before...I don't hate myself and just think good things are never going to happen. But now I just want to "hibernate" till after surgery. And I try to remind myself that while this will be a great burden off my shoulders it won't be like a fairy tale. I'm still me under all my layers and I will still have my issues along with some new feelings. I'm sorry to babble on but I think I needed to vent a little. I'd love to hear anyone's input...I hope I made sense. Thanks for listening to me :) — mzcath (posted on May 26, 2002)
May 25, 2002
I did the same exact thing. The surgery is so very exciting and life
changing that I couldn't focus on anything but it and what it would mean
for me. I did manage to get through the everyday things, but I just
couldn't wait to be on the otherside. My obsession with all things relating
to WLS made me no good for social events...lol...but this is a HUGE
step..and I know for me the most difficult and important decision of my
life. I just wanted to submerge myself into WLS information...anything I
could read I did. That's all I wanted to do. I was just so excited that the
lifelong hopelessness I'd felt after unsuccessfully battling obesity was
about to end. Fortunately my family was very supportive...however my hubby
had to pull me away from the PC a few nights as I read into the wee hours.
I think what you are feeling is natural. This is a very serious surgery for
a very serious disease. My anxiety level reached an all time high the month
before surgery. My surgeon prescribed Xanex(sp) and it really did take the
edge off for me. Congrats on your upcoming surgery and God Bless! -Kim open
RNY 7/17/01 -111
— KimBo36
May 25, 2002
I am having the same problem!! It was all I could do to drag myself through
the last couple of weeks of school. Now that I'm home waiting for surgery
in a week, I am just sort of wandering around the house, not wanting to do
much of anything or go anywhere. I'm glad to hear someone else has this
problem!
Kim
— kimlasavio
May 26, 2002
Pre-op, I only did the things I had to do to survive. Anything else was
too painful and too tiring. I went to work, grocery shopped, did the
errands and things necessary to keep me and my child going, but that was
all. After I started considering the surgery, all I could concentrate on
was having the surgery. I went to my first seminar in August and found out
in October that the surgeon still had not sent in my insurance papers (he
was wanting to make the letter perfect - the only problem with that is that
my insurance company only wanted my weight, height, bmi and blood pressure
- they didn't require anything but that I be 100 pounds overweight).
Because my insusrance was changing December 1, I needed to have surgery
before the end of November. The doc I started with said it was impossible
- no way and if the new insurance wouldn't pay for it, then too bad. I
changed doctors - found a wonderful surgeon, had the surgery in November
and the rest, as they say, is history. Now, almost 6 months later and over
100 pounds lighter, I am regaining my life every day. I hate not being
active and going and doing things. It is a real chore for me to stay home
longe enough to do the house work.
Best of luck to you.
— Patty_Butler
May 26, 2002
I can relate to you. I am four weeks post-op and two sizes down and feel
much better about myself. Pre-op I stopped doing a lot of things when I
hit the 300 mark. Like: I wouldn't stop and visit my husband at work (like
I always did) because I didn't want to embarrass him (not that he was
embarrassed, I was); I am the Public Relations Director at my job and
refused to be in any pictures that were taken or go on camera for any
interviews - I would make my peers do it; I hesitated to go out to lunch
with people for fear of not fitting in the booth they picked to sit in; I
didn't want to have sex with my husband because I just didn't have any
energy or feel sexy at all (and let's be honest 300 lbs is not necessarily
"sexy"). So, I think I can relate to what you're saying. I went
to work and did the "normal" routine, but everything else has
been put on the back burner. You've made the right decision to have the
surgery. You'll feel better about yourself physically and emotionally.
Best wishes and email me if you'd like to chat at all!
— stacey L.
May 26, 2002
The hibernation syndrome is perfectly normal. I did it all last summer and
fall waiting for my surgery in November. I wouldn't go out of the house
unless I absolutely had to. I didn't even trick or treat with my children
because I was so ashamed of myself. I guess it was sort of a depression
feeling all sorry for myself. But I got through it and so will you. I
feel so much happier and healthier and free. You have a lot to look forward
to and I hope you feel the success soon!
— Cheri M.
May 26, 2002
I am just like you. am ashamed of my weight. It stops me from dating guys.
I hate it when people say you have such a pretty face there should be no
problems for you. So i joined a volunteer project to keep me busy and to
make new friends. I still feel isolated because of my weight too and
sometimes I dont even bother to make myself look good because I have this
horrible state of mind am in. that so is not what i should do. make an
effort to look good and make the effort to stay visible because even though
you lose that weight the hibernation feelings may not go away.
write me [email protected]
— sheri B.
May 26, 2002
I know exactly how you feel, I didn't not do things I had been doing, but I
didn't and still kinda don't want to start anything new. My thinking is I
don't want to be judged for how I look right now, because its not how I
will be looking. There is a church that I desperatly want to attend on a
regular basis, and make some new friends, but I keep myself from doing this
because I don't want to be the fat girl. I am almost 13 weeks Post op and
down 62 pounds and I can already feel how my attitude has changed some.
Even though I don't like the restrictions on myself, I have decided that I
will start attending that church when I way 250. So that will ONLY be 12
more pounds and a few more weeks.
— Diane Rhoads
May 26, 2002
While I completely understand your feelings right now, I hope that you and
anyone else reading this will not put your life on hold like I did (waited
until age 39 to get wls and used my weight as an excuse to isolate myself.)
I'm finding out now that there were plenty of people who liked me for
myself and wanted to be with me but I didn't see it because I was my own
worst critic. Now I feel like I'm trying to make up for all that lost time
and believe me, it's not easy.
— Lori_B
June 26, 2002
I am glad I saw tis post. I can totally relate. I was very outgoing
pre-knowing about surgery. Once I decided I was going to do it, I pulled
in and in someways lost it kinda. It is like all of those coping
mechanisms I used to go out in the world and to be socialand popular,
inspite of my size, had finally just "said enough". It was like
I was so tired. I could not carry the burden anymore. As a fat person,
and a very social fat person, it takes a lot of energy to cope. If one is
a fat person that has friends that do very low key stuff were fat people
are accepted or say you have friends that are respectful and supportive
that helps. But for me, that was not the case. I was going out to socials
and dances where the energy was very much about getting dates and how you
look and I had to use a lot of energy to "fit in" . I guess I
had skills at a winning personality and I always "looked great"
for a fat gurl. But thatgets tiring. Thin people do not have to try as
hard. It is sad but out society makes it that way. I am not saying it is
not or cannot be challenging for thinner folks but it is always doubly
harder for fat people. I guess my psyche felp like it did not have to try
so hard because a solution to the weight had been found. It was like I had
a mini "breakdown" I noticed feeling more tired doing stuff, more
self conscious, less motivated to"try so hard" to be pleasing in
the eyes of others. Just tired. I even broke my first cair while sitting.
I always prided myself as a very agile, graceful fat chick. So yes, I
think the isolating oneself and just not wanting to be in the world fat
anymore is normalwhen you become an official pre op. It is kinda like
being in prison for a long time then discovering there is a way out..you
just don't want to stay in anymore it is like you become unsettled in the
old body coz you know you won't have to stay in it? I am now post op by
one month and I still don't want to do stuff coz I just am tired. Caring
the fat gurl burden has just become to much. I feel like chilling in my
cave waiting to make my debut in my new body. Yes, some will say be out
and about but for me I did that for years and I am finally able to just
drop the burdens and say hey, that was so hard, I am so tired....If you can
relate at all e-mail me at [email protected]
Traci
— MsGlitterDiva
June 27, 2002
You know, I think I've felt everything said here to one degree or another
but my biggest thing is I'm just tired. Now I see an end in sight and I
just want to relax and rest. I've tried so hard to push myself and stay
active and do things and socialize and whatever that now I just want to get
on the other side. Unless you're obsessive about, I think it sounds like a
very normal stage for all of us. (I did the same thing when I was having a
different surgery a few years ago. I was like Wow! Finally, validation
that there really WAS a problem and that it COULD be fixed! What a
relief!)
— Nell C.
June 28, 2002
I know what you mean. Since I started getting ready to have surgery I hate
every outing I must attend. I was presented with an award for work I do,
and all I could think of is why not next year! I had to go to my
stepdaughter's Graduation Party (at her THIN mothers Home)I kept wishing it
had been next year so I wouldn't have to face her FAT. Every funtion I have
to attend with my husband I think why couldn't this wait until after I have
had my surgery. I am hyper-self concious about my weight since I began
making arrangements for surgery. It's as if suddenly I have had to admit I
am obese and so now I'm really struggling with anyone seeing me. I have 8
weeks until surgery, and I've made up my mind there will be more weddings,
Christenings, and awards, I just need to make it a few more months until I
start looking good. I am even afraid to go to the Curves Excercise Center
until after I loose weight because of what they would think of someone like
Me coming into that type of business. I'm going to hold on and make it and
by my 50 birthday in October I will be on the trail to a new life!
— Linda C.
January 8, 2003
I almost cried when I read this question. Isn't it funny how we think we
are the only ones? I feel like my life is on total HOLD until I find out I
am approved. It's been six months and it's all I think about. I am doing
great at work, it's the best job I've ever had... and I am still thinking
of only this. I am sure my family and friends will be glad once I have a
date, because as everyone knows... the anticipation is a killer. Right now
I feel like not getting approved will be make me a failure? Why do I have
such irrational thoughts like this? I don't think I've ever wanted
anything else so badly in my life. You don't want to give up on the only
hope you've ever felt about this problem!
Thanks again... I needed this!
— Teresa D.
February 26, 2003
Pre-op avoidance....Good way to put it. In reading the previous posts, I
was stunned to know that I am not the only person who began to isolate
myself. I don't know when it began. I just realized one day, that other
than work, and school, I wasn't leaving the house. I was perfectly happy
to stay at home snuggled up with my dog. She's absolutely the sweetest
thing on four legs, other than my brother's dog, but she doesn't provide me
with human interaction. My parents noticed as well, my mother feeling
nervous, my father thinking it was the "pre-op avoidance" I have
been avoiding old friends. I told them I was having surgery, they didn't
agree with it, and I haven't seen or spoken with them since over Christmas.
Before Christmas, it had been six months or more since I had seen or
talked to them. I realized that if they weren't going to support my
decision I couldn't let them influence me to give up the one thing I'm
fighting for. I've stopped going out on weekends except to one of my
girlfriends, also a fat fighter, and we watch HBO's Sex and the City series
on DVD (anxiously awaiting season four's arrival) She too battles obesity
and were thinking of doing surgery together. I'd gotten so tired of
battling my body day after day. These days, I come home from work and
crash. I feel drained emotionally and physically. I keep waiting and
waiting and waiting for the time to pass. I keep dreaming of the day I get
home from work and I receive a letter from my insurance with huge letters
that says APPROVED! I am waiting for the day I can step out of my door and
feel pride instead of embarrassment. Right now I'm happy to stay at home
with my family and pray that God will bless me with an approval sometime
soon. I've been through a lot the past six months or so. I'm tired and
depressed and feeling as though nothing is going right or in my direction,
but it will. I just have to have faith. Pre-op avoidence.....good topic.
— kathleenv515
February 26, 2003
I am so glad that you posted about this, glad to hear that I am not alone.
I feel almost agorophobic lately, I think taht it is driving my hubby nuts
but he is being pretty understanding and I think that I might even forward
this specific page to him so he can see that the way I feel isn't specific
to me. I can't tell you all how important this site has been to me. I am a
nurse and sometimes have such a clinical know-it-all approach and this
whole experience has really halped me realize the emotional aspect of the
process. Everyone's comments are so helpful, how lucky are we???
— Sarah S.
March 14, 2003
Oh my GOSH. I can't believe that someone feels exactly the same way that I
do. I am scheduled for surgery on 4-14-03. I don't do too much of
anything anymore. I get up, go to work, come home, take a nap, feed my
son, watch tv and go to bed. And believe me when I say that this has
become a vicious cycle. I don't want to go out. I am avoiding friends.
It's almost like I can't wait to have the surgery so the sun can shine
again. It's deep. Thank you so much for sharing. People really need to
share these experiences so people like me won't think we are the only one
this is happening to.
— DA C.
April 3, 2003
The exact same thing is happening to me. I just want to work, go home and
watch tv and sleep. What's weird is even food isn't that interesting to
me. The bad thing about that is I don't feel like cooking but know I
should eat, so get something take-out. I've turned into a Law & Order
junkie and my friends think I've fallen off the planet. I have no
motivation for anything, and I'll cry at the drop of a hat!!! Good thing
I'm taking meds for depression or I'd REALLY be a mess! :-) Hang in
there. It looks like we're in good company.
— Patti S.
October 8, 2003
I feel the same way. Since I've made the final decision to have WLS, I've
been less than sociable. I don't go to fun events anymore, I don't go to
social gatherings, there are even acquaintances that have not seen me in
months due to my desire to "hibernate" until after the surgery.
I'm no mental health specialist, but in having battled depression for so
many years, and having been exposed to a lot of mental health literature,
this is what I've surmised: To make the decision to go through with WLS
takes time, a lot of thought, and consideration. You have to think about
why you want to do this, you have to think about how this will affect your
family and friends, and you have to take into account your own mortality.
During this process, you tend to go over, in your mind, what lead to your
obesity, what drives the behavior that may have contributed to you obesity,
and how to change your way of thinking. There is a lot of
"self-exploration" involved in this process. Sooooo...in opening
up your mind and soul to prepare, you tend to give thought to things that
you might not have ordinarily dwelled upon, such as family relationships,
your interaction with your peers at work, your social interactions with
your friends, and so forth. Some of this will be positive, but some will
also be negative. In contemplating all of this, you tend to want to
isolate yourself from others. Its sort of like your mind is saying,
"Ok. There's a lot going on here and we need time to work through
this mess and focus." This may bring on bouts of depression, anxiety,
as well as a feeling of being "exposed". It may be a
subconscious action to protect yourself from any further
"connectivity" until after the life altering procedure is
complete. It may even be a way of protecting others by withdrawing from
them until you can see where this surgery is going--some people do have
complications and death may occur. Well, I'm longwinded and I said all of
that to let you and others know that I know how you guys feel.
— HungryGirl B.
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