Question:
AM I doomed?
Normally, I don't come on here and ask questions, but I just had to. I am 11 weeks post op, starting out I needed to lose 180 lbs, I have lost almost 100 of that. I've done so well, eating what I'm supposed to, water etc.. but I have a husband who I think is out to sabatoge me. Ever since I have come home from the hospital, he has been eating anything and everything in front of me. He has never done this before surgery. Well tonight he bought ice cream sandwiches, and heck I ate one with him. I totally hate myself for it. Now I'm so worried that I'm going to stop losing the weight over that stupid ice cream bar. I really don't know what to do about my husband. I've talked to him about him eating all this crap, and all he can say is that maybe I shouldn't of had this done, and that it's my fault if I can't enjoy food with him. Anyone else going though this? Thanks! — [Anonymous] (posted on October 15, 2001)
October 14, 2001
hi first off i want to say CONGRATS on the weight loss you are doing
great!!!!!! now as for that hubby of yours he's being a jerk he's eating
these things in front of you to tempt u and to show you what are u missing
and that's just plain WRONG....instead of being supportive about how you
have to give up the wrong foods he's trying to undermind your success don't
let him when he does eat greasy fast food or junk food in front of you
leave the room or tell him its not gonna work i've come to far to fail
now....go for a walk, call a friend, get out of the house or just simply
ignore him....you are very dedicated at this you've made a decision to
become healthy by having this surgery and i think you have it in you to not
let ANYONE sabotage that....KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK..... deirdre
— DEIRDRE D.
October 14, 2001
You are doing great and one icecream sandwhich isn't going to ruin what you
have accomplished so far. You hubby sounds like a very insecure man! I
believe he is afraid or jealous of your weightloss. I am sure you are
feeling alot better about your appearance now. He may be afraid you will
leave him once you have a new body. It is a common thing for husbands to
behave this way. Tell ya what, if it were my husband, and I just went thru
this surgery, he'd be wasting money cause as soon as the crap came into the
house it would be in the garbage or down the sink. Don't give in to his
antics. Next time you are tempted by something he brings into the house,
just remember how AWFUL and GUILTY you felt for giving in to the icecream
sandwhich. Once he sees you are not giving in and not letting it bother
you, it won't be fun for him anymore and he will stop. He should have
enough respect for you not to tempt you and put you through this. He is
your husband and should be doing anything and everything he can to help you
be successful. Maybe you need to reassure him that no matter how much you
lose, it will not change your love for him. Tell him if anything is putting
a strain on the marriage, it is the fact that he is trying to sabatog your
surgery. But most important, you have to NOT give in to his temptations.
That is what he wants you to do. Show him you are a stronger person now.
— Kim B.
October 14, 2001
I want you to print this out and hand it to that hubby of yours! This is
Diane's husband. When she showed me this posting, I HAD to reply: How
DARE you tell your wife that "she shouldn't of had this done, and that
it's her fault if she can't enjoy food with you"!!! Just how LOW can
you go?? How insensitive and unloving can you BE?? This woman has
sacrificed the things SHE loves.. for YOU! She suffered with the extra
weight for who knows how long, she went through the trauma of major
surgery, in order to ensure that the life she has with you is longer, with
more health, more vigor, less pain and suffering..and YOU DON'T CARE????
Don't you see how HAPPY she's becoming? More energetic? My wife is 9
weeks pre-op, and I'm ALREADY looking for ways to support her in her
decision..support her in her daily life AFTER the surgery..and do whatever
it takes to ensure her success. Because I know I'M going to REAP THE
BENEFITS!! She's going to have more energy to be able to join me in the
things that I like to do. She's going to have more peace in her life.
She's going to be dealing with our kids on a better level, because she's
not always frustrated and angry with herself. She's going to be able to
make love to me WITHOUT PAIN. She's going to be HAPPY!! And I'm not going
to do ANYTHING that might jeoparize that! If that means that I have to
have my ice cream AT the ice cream shop alone.. so be it. If that means
that we won't be stopping at McDonalds any more... NO PROBLEM. These are
such small sacrifices, compared to the ones she's already made for ME!!!
You'd better WAKE UP and really LOOK at what this woman has done FOR you...
before SHE wakes up and takes a good look AT you - and figures out that she
doesn't NEED this hassle!!!
— Diane E.
October 14, 2001
KUDOS TO DIANE'S HUSBAND!! And to Diane.......you are a very lucky woman!!
He's definately a KEEPER!!
— Kim B.
October 14, 2001
I never allowed anyone to leave the room to eat. It was just not normal.
But my husband did not go out of his way to eat in front of me either. I
don't know what kind of surgery you had but I'm suprised you are not
lactose intolerant or do not dump from the sugar. Please DON'T beat
yourself up over one slip up, you are doing so well. Get yourself some
lowfat or sugarless versions of these things and keep them in the house for
emergencies. Many years ago I was married to a man who used to sabotoged my
dieting , he had a self esteem problem , try to talk this over with your
husband. Good Luck.
— Rose A.
October 14, 2001
On the way home from the hospital my husband stopped and bought 2 dozen
Dunkin Doughnuts. Thank God I felt too awful to even feel tempted, but it
made me realize quite clearly that I was "on my own" as far as
motivation and encouragement. As a result, I learned to eat right for me,
and not have to "answer" to anyone. Therefore, no
"guilt" when I did eat something that maybe I shouldn't have. So,
you ate some ice cream? I guess that makes you human, just like all the
rest of us!! Please don't let this make you feel bad about yourself, or
your success...as long as you don't make this a regular habit, you will
continue to be the success that you already are ...supportive husband or
not! Congratulations on your fantastic weightloss!
— Marnie K.
October 15, 2001
Stop hating yourself for giving in to one ice cream sandwich - and start
thinking about why your husband is encouraging you to take actions that he
knows will make you feel bad. It really seems like he's got a serious
problem. I like what Kim said about throwing the stuff away as soon as he
brings it into the house - it's drastic but the way he's treating you may
well warrant a drastic response.
— BlueGray
October 15, 2001
Your hubby is afraid he will loose you because your looking good and he is
insecure. Show him lots of affection and attention to reassure that you
still love him. I have delt with some of these issues myself, and my wife
did a bit of the sabotage thing too. Having lost over 70 pounds I feel like
a teenager and although jen is depressed and not in the mood much being a
nervous pre op the extra attention has calmed her fears. Its helped to make
our home a happy loving place. Soon it will be my turn to worry that Jen
will look at me differently once she looses so much weight. I went first
for surgery, largely because of such worries.
— bob-haller
October 15, 2001
Firstly, I want to say that I had this surgery for ME...not my loved ones.
I had this surgery to stop my diabetes...my high blood pressure...by
degenerative arthritis...my back pain...and my overall shortened life span.
Any of my loved ones who are going to benefit from my improved health and
mental attitude as a result of my decision to go through with this...well
that's great for them..and for me. The next time your "loved
one" pulls out an ice cream bar to eat in front of you, go to the
refrigerator and get a 4 oz serving of low fat cottage cheese and sit down
with him and watch him pound the ice cream while you slowing eat yourself
back into health and long life!
— Ed D.
October 15, 2001
I don't know which surgery you had, but I had RNY. It isn't a cure all,
but it is a fantastic aid in losing weight. It doesn't give me the total
motivation to make the best choices in food, but it does help alot.
Occasionally, I can eat something like an icecream bar and I don't obsess
over it. I've lost my weight and according to the BMI chart, I'm now in my
IDEAL weight range. I go out to eat with friends, I go to church
fellowship meals, I go to birthday parties, I buy separate
"treats" for myself and my family at home. I am responsible for
my choices and NO ONE has the power to 'sabatage' me, only I have that
power and I don't want it! No, you are not doomed. Yes, you need to have
a little marriage counseling along with your husband so you can both
communicate and understand what each is thinking and why. It won't hurt,
it will likely help. Best wishes on continued weight loss as you get to a
healthier you!
— Cindy H.
October 15, 2001
100lbs in 11 weeks is a wonderful thing, so I would imagine that, for the
most part you are doing a really good job at self control. Please don't
beat yourself up for one mis-step. The important thing is that YOU realize
what is good and what is bad and that you get right back to the business of
eating right. As far as your husband is concerned, although I am a pre-op,
I know that no matter what dieting I have tried to do there is always
someone who wants to sabotage my hard work. It must be hurtful that it is
your husband. Don't blame him for eating the ice cream bar, but do not let
him convince you that anything is your fault. I live at home with my
parents, who are apparently oblivious to my desire to not eat junk food and
stock up the house. I was going to move out before surgery (have decided
to wait until after), but that is one of my main motivations. It's just
plain hard to be around all that good stuff. I'm single, but I know that
after a while it seems that a lot of "quality time" in
relationships revolves around eating. So, maybe you can't "enjoy food
with him" anymore, but I am sure that is not the only thing you two
can enjoy together...possibly you can suggest getting him involved in
something with you. Maybe have him exercise with you? I have a feeling
that maybe he's a bit jealous that you have taken control of your own life
and have been working so hard on your own objectives. It's an unfortunate
but natural way for people to react to a situation like this. Use this
time as an opportunity to explore other ways you can enjoy each other's
time together. Congratualtions on your weight loss and good luck to you!
— PaulaM
October 15, 2001
Oh my gosh...I can't believe any husband or anyone for that fact could be
like that. First....congratulations on your weightloss. You are doing
wonderful! I feel so sad when I read posts from people who say their spouse
is not supportive. I have to be one of the luckiest one here. I am only 3
weeks post op but I know I have the greatest husband. He is my second tool
in this weight loss journey. If I start graving something I can't have...he
won't let me have it. Instead he will get me a popsicle or something like
that. Anyways...even if he does eat some things infront of me...I just get
something I can have. One ice cream bar is not going to set you back. You
know after having this surgery...it doesn't mean that we will never be able
to have that ice cream sandwich again. Hang in there, try talking to your
husband...tell him how you feel; but most of all...remember you did this
for you...so be true to yourself. Don't let him sabatage your life because
of how he is behaving. Good luck to you and may God watch over you!
— Tammy K.
October 15, 2001
Good heavens....100lbs. in 11 weeks....that is fantastic!!!!
I have never heard of such a dramatic weight loss. Congratualton.
It sounds like your husband is afraid that you will "change"...
feelings like that aren't uncommon...my boyfriend was fine...but two
of my very best girlfriends reacted like your husband. Perhaps your
husband would be amenable to seeing a therapist with you. Your husband
has concerns that should be discussed. If he won't do that you have to
take some control of the situation. He can't eat goodies in front of you
if you leave the room. When he snacks....go to another room. While you
are
still trying to lose, don't go to restaurants with him. At the rate you
are
losing, that will just be another few weeks. You have to be strong or risk
letting him sabotage your efforts.
— [Anonymous]
October 15, 2001
Congratulations on your weight loss so far. I agree with everyone else that
one slip up won't ruin or stop your weight loss. One comment - do you
belong to a support group? If so, and they allow spouses/significant others
I suggest that you take your husband with you. My husband goes with me
(after 14 months - and still gets something out of it as well as being
there to support other husbands) and I appreciate him doing that for me. Or
if he won't or can't go with you they could offer advise or support on this
issue as well as what you're getting here. Good luck!
— georgiacarol
October 15, 2001
Gee, I thought this was one of my questions! I'm going through the exact
same thing with my husband. You certainly are not alone! You (and I) got
some excellent answers. Just wanted to comment on a few of the answers, and
this is in no way an attack on the posters, just a different perspective.
Alot of people say stuff like "You did this for yourself",
"when the cravings strike, just grab a sf popsicle or go for a
walk", stuff like that. Those are great ideas that work for alot of
people. And alot of you sound very strong-willed and determined. But you
know, for people who are food-addicts, these tactics usually don't work.
People who are food-addicts want more than anything in the world to have
control over their eating and to loose the weight, but food is their
ADDICTION and once they fall into a craving, it takes superhuman strength
to resist. It's not impossible, but difficult. Make sure you are getting
your protein in. It really does help. And find out if you have any trigger
foods, usually carbohydrates, and avoid them, because it will trigger a
binge or at least terrible cravings and/hunger feelings. If you can manage
to get yourself out and walk or grab a popsicle when a craving strikes,
GREAT! I am a food addict and it works for me sometimes. My husband just
doesn't get it and I don't think he ever will. I'm tired of begging with
him to keep junk out of my sight, but he keeps on doing it. I threatened to
throw the offending food strait into the trash, but I KNOW if I do that,
he'll call me a f*&^ing bitch (sorry, but this is for real). If you try
that tactic, BE PREPARED for such a reaction. I believe my DH is also a
food-addict (but in denial), so that's a normal reaction from someone like
that. I love him. I just wish he would love me enough to do something about
HIS problem. He weighs close to 400lbs. and growing. He doesn't want to
even think about surgery for himself, so he will have to rely on a good
diet/exercise program, but he doesn't want to give up his doughnuts,
croissants, cookies, pies, etc. Loosing weight is hard work, surgery or no
surgery, and it's a shame that he doesn't see an opportunity where we can
support each other in our efforts. It's not a race or "I lost more
weight than you did" type of thing. It's just about taking it a day at
a time, working hard at a goal. He doesn't see that. I had this surgery so
I can get healthy to have a longer life with my guy and for what? He's
eating himself to death. I'm going to live longer and he's going to die
prematurely. I'm not the type of person who can live alone. I get lonely
and need companionship. So knowing that he's going to leave me (by dying)
is a hard reality I must face. He promised that he'd support me 100% after
surgery and he hasn't kept his promise. If I knew ahead of time that he was
truly determined to eat himself to death, I would have rather died on the
OR table. But I'm 21 weeks post-op and I have lost 100lbs. I starting
slipping off track maybe around 8 weeks post-op and have been eating along
with my "supportive" husband all the wrong foods and in
quantities larger than I should be eating. Far from the amount he can eat,
and what I used to eat, but alittle too much and too fast. I get a tummy
ache most of the time. Alot of you will think me a fool for having this
surgery if I wasn't going to follow the rules, work with the tool,
whatever. Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I hate myself each
and every time I slip up? There is an explanation; not an excuse but an
explanation - food addiction, an eating disorder. And I am going to
counselling to get help for this. It's hard work, but I am determined to
beat this control food has on me; to make it so this surgery wasn't for
nothing. So if you think you might have a food addiction, there is help out
there. It would be great if your husband also goes with you to support
group meetings & stuff like that so he can come to realize the struggle
you are going through. If you don't have a food addiction and it was just
one icecream, don't worry about it. Sorry I was so depressing. I'm getting
counselling (and medication) for that too. ;-)
— lalasmommy
October 15, 2001
Girl, there is no stopping you! 100 pounds in 11 weeks - you are one
determined mama.Congradulations! We have to remember that because we have
decided to change our life and become healthier (which means some suffering
for a while) doesn't mean that everyone else around us (who doesn't have a
weight problem)has to suffer to. With that said, I have to say that it
pisses me off when someone eats all my favorite foods in front of me. I try
not to be in the house, and if I am, and I can, I leave. But there are
times when you just can't get away from it - so I would have to say he
could eat that ice cream sandwhich at the ice cream shop, or on the back
porch. And I wouldn't let it in the house. And I'd have to say that food
addiction is just like alcholism. It takes more than just you to recover
and waving an icecream sandwhich in your face is just as bad as waving a
bottle of booze in your face - or a cigarrette.Now if I have thoroughly
confused you on what my opinion is - let me confuse you alittle more by
saying that when I told my parents that it bothered me when they order a
pizza as soon as I come over or want to go thru the drive thru when ever we
are in the car and I'm not going anywhere with them or coming over until
they stop - thier response was that they thought since I didn't get hungry,
those things didn't bother me.That could have been BS, but I chose to
accept it and give them the benifit of the doubt. Have they changed? Yes,
they warn me so I can leave, or they try to wait to eat until after I
leave. I think only we WLS people understand the difference between real
hunger and head hunger. Talk to him. Tell him it bothers you. And if that
doesn't work, tell him to sleep on the couch until he can learn to keep his
ice cream sandwhich to himself!
— K T.
October 15, 2001
Hi, I am the one that posted this question, and I would like to give you
all a big hug and a Thank you! I know that I have a long road ahead with my
husband, but your comments and suggestions made me feel that there is
something I can do about his insecurities. I'm back on track and the
icecream sandwich is history, not going to trip about it anymore. I am
going to print these responses so that he can read them, maybe he will see
that I am not going to leave him, and that he and I are in this together,
even though I'm the one that had the surgery. Thanks guys!
— [Anonymous]
October 15, 2001
You are doing a wonderful job 100lbs is great. occassionally it is common
to fall off the wagon. You have the strenghth to get back up. Is your
husbands eating habits changed since your surgery.? You need support and
promise yourself you will attend your local support group.
— [Anonymous]
October 15, 2001
congratulations on your weight loss. your my idol. i go in on 1-3-02.
anout 78 days. i want to be just like you. my boyfriend now tells me how
we will never enjoy food again together but you know hat. don't give in
your're doing great. what kind of surgery did you have? i'm havinf rny
proximal. please email me and let me know
[email protected]
— LAURA G.
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