Question:
How do I respond to someone who had a family member die after WLS?

I was over at a family member's house for Easter and one of her kids brought over his roommate and he heard me discussing WLS with my niece (I am waiting to be approved) and he very matter of factly (not rudely though) stated his grandmother died from that surgery. All I said was that I was sorry for his loss. I thought it might be insensitive to remind him that everyone is different and because of that reacts differently from surgery. Did I do the right thing? It seems the more I talk about this surgery(and I don't talk alot about it) the more negative comments I hear ..like this one lady I know is still sick from having that done....etc.. All I say in response to that is I've researched it all that I can, pray constantly about it and have put it in God's hands to guide me along the way. Are these responses good enough? I feel a little foolish having to defend myself.    — kathleen-Joan piper (posted on April 22, 2003)

April 22, 2003
To answer your first question about death from WLS, I think just a simple "I'm sorry for your loss" is appropriate. No one should have to defend their decision to do what they believe is the right thing. Life and death is in the hands of God and no surgery, car accident or fall can kill you if it isn't "your time". Those that speak negatively are not educated and are probably not fat either. You have no need to defend yourself to anyone. I felt this way at first too, but now I feel free to tell everyone and talk about it to lots of people. At first I felt defensive because I myself felt like a failure for the diets that didn't work long term. When I realized this was another attempt to win the battle, not a "giving and taking the easy way out" I was at peace. Besides ya'll... is this really the "easy way out?" I think we are all very brave champions and I applaud anyone who takes this brave step. God bless you in your journey!
   — Happy I.

April 22, 2003
Kathleen, it sounds to me like you are doing an excellent job at responding to peoples' remarks. For the young man who lost his grandmother to WLS, I feel sad. I can't think of anything you could have said that would have been more effective. It is a fact - some people do die from surgery and its complications - any surgery. Another fact is that some people do have serious complications with their WLS. I believe that risks are always there when we decide to have surgery. Like you said, you've done the research, made a decision to improve your health and then turned it over. You told the truth. Nothing more is needed. I hope your WLS goes well.........:)
   — Judy K.

April 22, 2003
This is NOT cosmetic surgery. I had it to save my life. MO is a terminal disease, most assuredly one that will shorten your life, not unlike a cancer....Would you NOT have cancer surgery because someone else did and died? That may be an oversimplification but do you get my point?
   — Dana S.

April 22, 2003
I think you answered the questions very well and very diplomatically. I am sure that the young man who lost his grandmother is sad about it, and had you made additional remarks, it might have made him feel bad. Expressing sympathy was the kind, polite, and right thing to do - in my opinion. I am very secretive about my surgery plans, because I can't face all the comments and inquiries, so I think you are very brave and strong. Regardless, I think no one should have to defend themselves for making the choice for WLS. I view it as doing something good and proactive for my health. Heck, and in life, no matter WHAT you do, there are always people making negative comments about it, but that's just the reality of our collective lives together on earth!
   — w8free

April 22, 2003
Silence is golden......the less people you tell the less times you will have to justify having surgery to others or listening to how their loved ones died from it. I wonder how long ago the grandma had surgery??? It is a completely different surgery these days. Wendi
   — lovemonterey

April 22, 2003
I usually tell people that it's not the surgery itself that is so dangerous, at least no more so than any other surgery, it's that the patients are high risk. His grandmother would probably not have made it through any surgery. And then, what sort of quality of life, not to mention lenghth of life, would she have had without surgery? It's hard to tell people things like this that are grieving over the loss of a loved one, but we all measure the benefits vs. the risks.
   — Leslie F.

April 22, 2003
I think your response to the boy was fine. There's not much else one can say to someone who's had someone close to them die. My best friend, Ginger Brewster, who is on the memorial page of this website died from complications after WLS, yet I am very supportive of people having the surgery. I am able to do this because I understand exactly what went wrong in my friend's case. Like you say everybody is different, their pre-operative health is different, their surgeon's way of doing things are different, etc. Best of Luck to you with your surgery.
   — Hackett

April 23, 2003
If you had said heart surgery or any other type of surgery, people die from those too. Any surgery has it's risk and not just weight loss surgery. Everyone has a story to tell. If your pregnant, people like to tell you pregnancy horror stories of 55 hours worth of hard labor. When I had back surgery, I heard all about disc surgeries that failed and people ended up crippled and in pain for life. Get the picture? I think Wendi is right, silence is golden. The less you talk about it, the less comments and negativity and horror stories you have to listen to and the less you have to "defend" your decision. Its hard to argue against the surgery when you have reached goal weight and look good, and much easier to do so when you are obese and haven't done it yet.
   — Cindy R.

April 23, 2003
One of my co-workers had a family member die from the surgery...almost 30 years ago. And since that had been her only dealing with the surgery, she went up one side of me and down the other for months on end. It was fear on her part, and I understood that. I had my facts and my research on my side. I knew I was doing the right thing for myself. And that was what mattered to me. Now, that co-worker is one of my biggest fans. Just the way it worked out. I also point blank told her that I couldn't live like I was anymore...because I wasn't living. I was sick and disgusted with myself. I was prepared for the complications...thankfully, I didn't have any. I think your answer to this young man was fine. Unfortunately, you will spend a lot of the rest of your life defending your choice to have surgery...despite its popularity, it is still considered by some to be too risky and *barbaric* Good luck and have a Sparkling Day!! ~CAE~
   — Mustang

April 23, 2003
I think your response to him was right on target. As for the negativity there are many many people who've died from WLS - some from surgeries long ago, some from the newer types. Some people wait until their health is so deteriorated that death is nearly impossible to avoid - WLS is a last ditch effort to survive (as it is for most of us, but some wait TOO long). Some people just well umm sh** happens - that's how life works. Only you can decide if the risks are worth it to you and I wish you luck in your journey!
   — [Deactivated Member]

April 24, 2003
I think you handled that situation gracefully. When you acknowledge that you have heard and respct a person's right to their opinion you leave absolutely nothing to argue about nor do you have to set up a defense for your postion.good job!
   — nicole P.

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