Question:
Why can't my husband see why this surgery is so important to me?

I know he's afraid of the surgery, but I told him that being at my weight is just as ;if not more dangerous. He doesn't even seem to want to talk about it. He says he's heard of so many who've had the surgery<what surg I don't know> and gained all their weight back. But I just want him to have hope, and to believe in me to use this as the tool it is.    — Donna S. C. (posted on February 17, 2001)

February 17, 2001
HI. I am sorry your husband is not 100% supportive. But what might make him have a change of heart is . And this one I am courious of also. Who are these people that he said that they have gained back all there weight????? Most people that I have study and followed there progress HAS KEPT THERE WEIGHT OFF. Also need to find out maybe which surgery they have had.(THAN YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT IS NOT THE SURGERY FOR YOU) I do know there is different one out there. (I had the OPEN RNY.... Just make sure when you have made your dicisson to go thru with this that it is the right surgery for you. You might also want to welcome your husband here to the site too. Let him see the photo gallery, look at profiles. I did with Sam and I think that helped him out alot. I would even read stories and profiles to him at first to get his attention. Deep down men dont really tell us how they feel. I knew once I truely explain how important this surgery was for my life to Sam and I would not stop until I had the surgery he seemed to accept it alot better. I will say I had my surgery Jan 15, and as of Feb 9th I am down 28 lbs. and Sam also told me that he is glad I am doing well and that the BIG SCARE IS OVER. I asked him what he meant and he finially open up and said he was scared to death that I might die or have major complication and that he LOVED ME SO MUCH THAT HE JUST COULDNT IMAGINE LIVING WITHOUT ME. He said when you have an accident and die, You have to let go and move on. But when You are making a dicission to have major surgery and knowing something could happen is really scarie. I told him I wish he had been a little more open before surgery and I am sure I could have found some answers here on this site. O r at least I would have tried to comfort him a little more. You hang in there and if you feel that deep in your heart this surgery is what is best for you. Than you go ahead and do it. remember DREAMS DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES....^J^ ^J^ ^J^
   — jay B.

February 17, 2001
There are many who have NOT gained their wt back. I know many who are 10 or more years out from surgery. Now, truly, there are many who started with procedures that are no longer done commonly that have regained their wt. Yes, and it will go on happening and some docs prefer the outdated surgeries and will forever do them. However, since you are researching, you can assure yourself of a good procedure, done right by an experienced surgeon who can get you over those post-op hurdles. Please go to my website and look at the pix. There should be pix now every year since 1994, so it shows that we are progressively the same, but older. Hahah! Both of us had surgery and we are both maintaining our preferred wts.
   — vitalady

February 17, 2001
Hi My husband wasn't, and still isn't 100% behind me on this, no pun intended, but I think I know where he is coming from. It is an issue of control for alot of men. Just like not asking for directions. You see, they can't help us lose the weight and so we are going elsewhere to get help. Men just try and fix things. That's their nature. And when we deceide to find a way to fix it they feel like they have no control over it. Read: Women are from Venus/Men are from Mars. It really helps understand how men like to " Go into their Cave" and try and figure things out. And see if you can get him to read some of the interesting postings on this web site. That has really helped my husband. Hope this helps. [email protected] Debbie
   — Debbie V.

February 17, 2001
Donna, My husband was somewhat supportive, but what helped him really get on board was a visit to the local support group where he met so many people who not only had the surgery, but lived to tell about it, as he put it:) He saw REAL people who had it, and were making it work, AND were healthy, happy people. He also heard from the ones who did experience complications so he didn't think it was a biased group. One other thing, I brought him into the chat room one night and he met some of my chat buddies. After telling him buying me diamonds would help me heal better:) they answered his questions and helped him realize this wasn't just another one of my hairbrained quick fix ideas. Good Luck!
   — M B.

February 17, 2001
I know my husband is very worried but somehow I think men feel insecure about how you will act and the attn. you will get when you have the surgery.. I have had 3 close friend have the surgery and 1 is so bad that some people cant handle being around her.. One met a guy soon after she lost all her weight and got married and the other one is enjoying being able to go out and ware awesome clothes...My husband has made comments like "you'll probably leave me when you get skinny" which my respond is oh, you think I have to be skinny to get a man! But in reality he's happy because he knows how bad I want this..I know he loves me and we have a great relationship, I think hes just both worried about surgery its self and also not knowing how it will affect me...I was very thin when we got married, I am looking forward to being that again...
   — Sheryl K.

February 17, 2001
Donna, I've been through two surgeries with two different husbands. With my VBG in 97 my then husband was supportive but constantly made comments like I would probably leave him when I lost weight. Well, guess what? I did! But it wasn't because of the weightloss in the way you might expect. Losing the weight gave me a higher self-esteem and helped me to realize that I deserved better than 11 years in a passionless marriage. Now onto surgery #2 my revision to RNY. I started pursuing my revision while engaged to my now DH. He wasn't behind me on it really but promised to support me. I was denied and I really think he thought he was off the hook because I was planning on leaving my job and moving from Texas (where I lived) to Louisiana (where he lived) on 6/1. Well, on May 17 I got a call that I had won the appeal and I was scheduled for sugery 5/22. We were still living in two different states and calling him to tell him this was very hard. He drove to Texas and spent the next 4 days doing EVERYTHING (and I do mean everything!) trying to talk me out of it. We fought, we cried, but nothing he could do or say was going to change my mind. He took it personally like I was leaving him out of the decision. In reality, it wasn't his decision to make because he wasn't the one who was living with weight regain and facing returning to morbid obesity. Anyway, the morning of surgery while I was waiting to be called back he was still at it. In the prep room as they were preparing to wheel me into surgery he was still at it. I didn't let him stop me. Afterwards, when I was 13 days post-op I developed a horrible infection and ended up in the hospital in Louisiana for 5 days. He, of course, blamed the surgery and thus me for me being sick and went so far as to take his wedding ring and throw it at me as I lay in the ER. We'd barely been married two months and I thought it was gonna end right now. Ok, after the horror of the first couple months how is now? He is very proud of the way I look and the weight I've lost. He watches over me to try and make sure I don't overeat or eat something that will make me sick and although he refuses to talk about my time in the hospital he has admitted that he is glad I went ahead and did this. All of this is to say that you need to take care of you and do what is best for you. You cannot let another person make a decision like this for you. Yes, it is normal to be worried but don't let someone else's emotions stop you. Concentrate on your feelings. As for the marriage, I have heard that if it is a strong marriage before surgery it will continue to be strong and if it was a weak marriage it could go either way. Best of luck! Kellye
   — Kellye C.