Question:
WLS effect on marriages?
I had consult with surgeon yesterday and am scheduled for surgery Aug 3. He mentioned one statistic I hadn't heard before -- 40% of marriages fail post WLS. Anyone care to comment on this? — Teri L. (posted on June 23, 1999)
June 23, 1999
I'm no expert, and not even married! But I would have to believe that it
has to do with self esteem. I believe that so many of us settle because we
feel that "that" is all I deserve, or all I can get ... and
"they" are better than nothing. Then, as we lose the weight and
our self esteem rises, we realize how truly worthy we are of being happy!
I also think that many of our partners feel "safe" with us, who
else would want us, right? ... WRONG! ... anyway, when we start losing,
others begin to notice and they get theatened, this changes how they treat
us. They are the ones who become insecure. But, ya know what ... 40% of
marriages may fail, but that means 60% thrive!
Remember to Live Well, Laugh Often & Love Much!
Mary Anne
— Mary Anne M.
June 23, 1999
Immediately after the surgery there was no difference for me. The more
weight I lost the more distant my husband became. He was not as secure
about our marriage when I was not fat anymore. He wound up making lots of
ugly comments about how my chest size changed. He did not like it that I
was no longer docile when he insulted me. I think we both changed and we
did wind up divorcing. You are a different person after going through
something as life changing as losing massive weight in such a short time.
Be prepared.
— [Anonymous]
June 23, 1999
When I went to my surgeron he did tell me that there is a high divorce rate
after surgery, beacuse one of the factors is that some men just like bigger
women, The women have more confidence and the men can't handle it. and my
personal opinion is that it is a control issue...when you are feeling bad
about yourself and depressed about your weight, he is the one in control
— Nicole S.
June 23, 1999
I agree that there are already a high percentage of failed marriages out
there. Just being married is stressful enough having to deal with the
everyday ins and outs, money problems, and children. If you add to this
marriage, major health problems from being overweight, you've almost
completed the recipe for stress overload that can lead to major marital
problems. So my opinion is that these marriages are already in trouble
before the WLS. After surgery you will become different . . not the same
wife you use to be who cooked the big meals, drank alcohol socially with
your husband and friends, etc. You are now more health conscious and more
"Me oriented". Does that make sense? I do agree that losing
weight and looking good may have someone,in a bad situation, rethinking
their selection of a spouse. I have a friend who had a VBG done 12 years
ago. She had met and gotten married to her husband while she was extremely
heavy. After they were married she had her WLS and a couple years later
they had a beautiful baby girl born to them. Now 12 years later she just
had a tummy tuck done along with arms and legs. Her husband was totally
turned off by that and they are divorcing . . . but I know it's not because
of her TT, it's because of other problems in the marriage. If you have a
good marriage before the surgery, if you talk everything out, love each
other no matter what and talk about all the neat things you'll be able to
do together after the surgery, you already have conquered a major hurtle.
Best Wishes Teri!
— Kathy (.
June 23, 1999
What did your doctor tell you? I am interested in this as well.
I am considering WLS and would like to know his concerns or what
data he has to back up his claim. Contact me at [email protected]. Thanks!
— Carl R.
June 23, 1999
My opinion on this is it is just too EASY to BAIL OUT in a relationship.
When two people enter into a marriage I feel that they said forever and do
what it takes to make it work. I probably will get some flack here but that
is my opinion. I don't feel it has to do with WLS per say. I know from my
own experience I was not in a healthy relationship for 12 of the 17 years
we were together. I did everything in my power to make the relationship
work. At my suggestion we did couples therapy as well as individual
therapy. Unfortunately after 10 years of personal therapy and 5 years on
relationship therapy, (yes 5 years, I wanted to give our relationship 100%)
it did fail. It wasn't until after we parted that he realized the things
that were lacking between the two of us. I know that to this very day he
has regrets as to what he didn't contribute in the relationship. After
giving it my all and then some it was over for me. I never thought I would
be "a statistic". I wanted my marriage to work and for it to be a
life long commitment. Pick and choose what is really important to you then
stand your ground. As a partner they should respect that, however not
necessarily agree with it. Two people can agree to disagree and still feel
like each was heard.
I have been blessed however; Bob who came into my life as just a friend is
now my husband. He works at this relationship as I do. I won't even pretend
that it is a piece of cake. We have our bumps in the road that we work to
resolve, and seek the help if we are unable to do this ourselves. We BOTH
work at enhancing our relationship, to have it be the best it can be. We
both have agreed we are in it for the long haul!
In a nutshell it I feel it has little to do with WLS surgery!
— Becki M.
June 23, 1999
I have never heard that statistic, but I suppose this type
of weight loss could be hard on certain families if the
marriage had not been strong to begin with and suddenly here
you are with the wonderful new body and men suddenly paying
attention to you again after years.
— dboat
June 24, 1999
When I first met my fiance, I was a miserable, overweight housewife. I saw
this man and new the minute I saw him that he was going to be my husband
someday. I didn't know at the time I saw him that he was married also.
One day his wife came in, and she was this tiny little petite woman, and
she was very, very pretty. I was kind of heartbroken at first, but then
heard rumors of a marriage in trouble.
Sooo, of course I told my friends about him, and how I was going to marry
this man someday, and they told me I was absolutely nuts!! They said, did
you see his wife, you will never get him, never.....but I left my husband
after years of
abuse, and my fiance and his wife separated. I persued him, and I let him
know exactly how I felt, and I was big even then. So to make a long story
shorter....We fell in love, and he is the best thing that ever happened to
me, and I am not going to change
the way I feel about him, and I know he loves me and will not change the
way he feels. We will be married after the weight is gone, that was my
decision. I refuse to be a fat bride again....Lol. Truly, Madly,
Deeply...
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 1999
I have noticed that as a thin woman, I have more options open as far as who
I want to be in a relationship with. Therefore, I am not as willing to put
up with negative treatment from my husband as I was prior to WLS. I am
aware now that many of the things he does are controlling and border on the
abusive, and I tolerated that before. Now that my self esteem is better
and my confidence is up and I have a good job making as much money as he
does, I just don't have to tolerate it any more. I think my realization is
that we often allow people to treat us based on the way we feel about
ourselves. Also you've heard the song, "If you want to be happy for
the rest of your life never make a pretty woman your wife.." There's
truth in that. It's very easy to be satisfied with what you have, if it's
your only choice.
— [Anonymous]
June 25, 1999
Well, the way I feel about this subject is that the reason marriages fail
after WLS is because (from a woman's point of view), some men feel that if
their mate has low self esteem that she will submit to them and not go
anywhere and do what he says. In my case I was going through a divorce
during my surgery because of other reasons. My ex-husband used to call me
fat B---- when he got mad at me and I just couldn't take it anymore. I
felt like if I had the surgery that it would make it all better but it
didn't, it got worse. He found other things to criticize me about. It was
only after our divorce that he was supportive of my weighloss. I think he
felt threatened that I would discover that other men would start looking at
me differently because I am more attractive now that I've lost weight and
he was afraid of losing me. Basically I think alot of marriages fail
because after WLS you gain back your self esteem and don't have to hide
behind your husband/wife anymore and can live your own life.
— Kristen C.
June 27, 1999
I can problably tell you the anme of the Dr. that told you this. It is not
true. Some marriages fail , but they were in trouble way before WLS. I know
over 200 people that have had this surgery, and of them all, 1 person has
divorced , and they were havng trouble before WLS. If you would like to
talk more please e-mail me. I live in Stafford and would love to talk to
you more.
— Donna D.
August 16, 1999
I am scheduled for surgery Sept. 21st. My husband of 27 years has seen me
both thin and heavy. Each time I lose weight he does because he is the cook
and he is so supportive. I am sure that we will both be much healthier and
probably happier after my surgery and he will lose the weight that he has
to along with me. He loves me for me not what I weigh. We have a very
strong marriage, this surgery will only enhance it.
Sara Hatch
— Sara H.
March 19, 2001
WLS has been a terrible strain on our marriage. I caught my spouse
responding to personals ads because of the new high self-esteem. I am not
included in the circle of new friends and my spouse is very secretive then
gets combative if confronted. I have always been there for my spouse, thin
and eventually overweight for many years and now I feel my spouse will
ultimately leave me for someone thinner and more exciting though my spouse
denies ever thinking about it. I feel hurt and angered by this deception
and my spouse refuses counseling.
— [Anonymous]
March 19, 2001
I think that if a spouse doesn't like the changes in you after you start
feeling good about yourself, and you lose them over this issue, it's good
riddance to an extra lump of blubber! Who needs negative comments when they
have gone through major surgery just to have a chance at a new, healthy
life??
— jane W.
March 20, 2001
I think that making the major life changes that come with WLS can tip life
"out-of-balance." Regardless of how miserable we were fat, or how
happy we were for that matter, the changes in our bodies and our emotions
and the changes in how we are perceived by the world put our lives on a
rollercoaster. By the very nature of marriage, our spouses/companions end
up on the same ride without making the decision to be there in the first
place. As our self-esteem and self-care habits improve, we expect better
treatment from those around us because we feel we deserve it. Sometimes
that doesn't happen and we decide not to accept the status quo. SOmetimes
that rollercoaster can be a confirmation of how much we are truly valued by
our partner in any shape.
— Nanette T.
March 20, 2001
Well, Nanette gets my vote as sharpest tack in the box today! She put it
beautifully ... we CHOSE this, and our poor significant others are just
along for the ride. I've been married for 21-1/2 years to a guy who has
seen me fat, thin, thinner, anorexic, fat, fatter, pregnant, fatter, thin,
pregnant again, fatter fatter fatter FATTEST, surgery ... normal again, and
maybe for the first time. He's just hung on for the ride, and on the whole
has been great ... post-op. Pre-op he was a jerk, but you know how guys
can get when the world's not revolving around them. Our marriage is better
than it's ever been, because I'm no longer thinking about food, foraging
for food, eating, or resting. We actually participate with each other now.
I'd venture that the 40% of marriages your surgeon quoted were the 40%
that'd end in the dumper anyway. If your marriage is shaky to begin with,
it's unlikely WLS will make it better ... any more than having a baby or
buying a new house or getting a new job would. But if it's relatively
solid, you're willing to be honest, and you can get emotional support both
from your partner and from other people in your life, you'll be okay. Just
hang on and enjoy the ride. Good luck on August 3,
— Cheryl Denomy
April 9, 2001
You heard only 40%??? The national average is closer to 50%!!! We are
doing pretty well then! But seriously, I think a lot of hurtful things get
said to a heavy person, even/especially from people you love. It is hard
to forget when someone makes it clear that they love you conditionally...
that is, they put you down because of your looks or police your
eating/dieting. If the marriage was failing prior to surgery, this might
just help one have the confidence to finally leave. If you are lucky
enough to have the seeming unconditional love I feel I have found, this
surgery does nothing but strengthen the bond and make your spouse proud of
your accomplishments!
— Gail G.
November 5, 2002
I really do think that a strong marriage before WLS will survive, but I
believe that deep down, I got this surgery so that I could be strong enough
to leave. We had problems way before the surgery, and now they're just
compounded and I am gunning to get out the door. I also just got my
doctoral degree, too, though, and that made us grow apart quite a bit too.
So, if you've got a strong marriage to start (which we didn't) you should
be O.K., especially (and maybe only) if you both have a strong commitment
to the marriage.
— R J.
December 22, 2004
I am 16 months post-op for my gastric bypass and 3 weeks post-op from my
tummy tuck. I guess I am a statistic, not because I didnt have a choice. My
husband had cheated on me throughout my "fat years" of our 13
year marriage. He was supposed to be my support person. The night of my GB
surgery he left my children home alone to go cheat on me once again with
another woman. When I came home from the hospital he once again left me
home alone with the kids to go be with another woman, returning home the
next afternoon then lying to me about it. With the weight loss I gained
self confidence, and a knowledge that he didnt cheat because I was fat or
because of anything I did, he cheated because of something that was lacking
within himself. I refuse to be in a controlling relationship where jealousy
and accusations are an everyday occurance. I am a healthy woman now and
deserve to be in a healthy loving relationship as well. Good luck to you
all
— Jadyn
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