Question:
How has the public been insensitive to you?
Hi Friends, first let me thank you all for being so helpful to me in my journey. It's hard to imagine that it's been almost 4 years since my surgery! I have been developing a lecture regarding the insensitivity of the public towards the obese. I am doing this for several reasons.....to educate healthcare workers, to lobby for obesity discrimination to be prohibited by the ADA, to educate the public at large to the plight of this last socially acceptable bastion of open and rampant discrimination, etc. Right now all I have to go on is my own experience and I was wondering if you could help me to help others by sharing your experiences with me. I know it might be painful but maybe with all of us putting forth an effort it will be worth it in the end. I'll go first and share one of my most hurtful experiences. When I weighed 263 I interviewed for a job as a receptionist at a popular radio station. Because it was for a receptionist position, the interviews were all done over the phone. You mailed or faxed in your resume and then everything was done over the phone so they could evaluate your phone skills and dealing with the public. I made it all the way down to the final two applicants and was invited in for a meeting with the president. Even at 263 pounds I took great pains with my appearance and fixed my hair and makeup and wore nice, professional clothing. I arrived at the office and saw that the other applicant was a tiny lady who was very pretty. When the president came out he literally looked at me first and then looked at her. He walked up to me, shook my hand, told me he didn't think they had anything for me and hoped I hadn't been inconvenienced by coming in. He then took the other lady by the hand and ushered her into his office. I almost felt sorry for her. He was practically drooling over her. I left the office in a conflicted mess. I was happy that I didn't have to work for an ignorant man like that. But, I was devastated because he had totally discounted my intelligence and my abilities because I was morbidly obese. I felt worthless. I was too ashamed to tell my family what happened and I lied to them and said I'd had a great interview but he must've like the other lady better. It wasn't until I'd had WLS that I shared this experience with them. The really terrible thing about this is that this scenario and worse is played out over and over each day with morbidly obese individuals. Can you share your experiences with me? I know I'm only one person and I don't expect to change the world but I figure even the mighty oak started out as one little nut. So, this little nut is seeking your help. Thanks again for being a wonderful, supportive WLS family! — ronascott (posted on June 22, 2004)
June 22, 2004
You're going to get TONS of responses to this question. I hate how movies
make fun of obese people. I hate that the stereotype of the obese is that
all we do is sit and eat anything that is put in front of us all day and
never get any activity, ever. I hate that magazines make it seem so easy to
lose weight - just cut out the soda, exercise for 1/2 hour 3 times per
week, replace the potato chips at lunch. I haven't had a soda or chips in
10 years. I exercise 5 days for 1 hour each session. I hate how we're
picked on for being overweight then made to feel like a loser (in the bad
sense) for trying to remedy the situation with surgery and not diet and
exercise. Personally, I've experienced being pointed and laughed at in
public. 'One size fits all' never fits. I had to miss our holiday formal
thrown by my company simply because I couldn't find a pretty formal dress
to wear. I hated feeling judged upon meeting a new person. I hated meeting
up with someone from my past such as at a school reunion. My obese husband
has been told by a stranger to park his car further from his destination to
get some exercise. I've been to doctors who have blamed every ailment I had
on my weight and who've been completely disgusted by my weight. I was
teased by the doctor I saw during pre-op testing for WLS about how her arm
was going to break while pumping up the larger blood pressure cuff. I could
go on an on.
— Yolanda J.
June 22, 2004
If you do a search in the library on 'discrimination' you will find a lot
of old questions. Here is a really long list of responses to one question
posed by Eric Klein:
http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/question.phtml?N=e924955826.
— Yolanda J.
June 22, 2004
Hi there Rona, I have to tell you that the worst thing that anyone ever
did to me was when I was 17. I was walking to my friends house, when a car
full of guys pulled up and asked me if I knew of a local diet center, and
If I knew how to get there. When I told them I didn't, they said that I
needed to find one because I was the one who needed it. I cryed all the
way home. I've also had my son come home in tears because he had someone
at school tell him that " It's too bad that your mother doesn't love
you enough to feed you right." People don't realize that there
hurting us. What a cruel thing to do to someone..Good luck in your
lobbing, hopefully you'll educate some yo-yo's out there who think that
what there doing isn't wrong..I hope this is what your looking for..Bernice
— Bernice B.
June 22, 2004
— Lisa K.
June 22, 2004
humm ok i KNOW i'm going to get slammed by what i am about to write, but i
feel strongly that obesity is a disease. i feel most people(not all) who
are MO have an adiction to food. some people even use it to medicate
themselves like a drug addict would with drugs. alot of insurance companies
pay for rehab and drug treatment but not for the treatment of obesity. 25%
of american's children are overweight. everywhere you look there is a tv
show, mag articles about lossing weight. this has become a serious
dangerous problem. i think most people discriminate MO people like they
would a drug addict. the only difference you can SEE if someone is MO , but
it is alot harder to tell if someone is doing drugs. i do not believe in
making things easier for Mo people by treating them with special rights,
but i do believe in getting them help for their medical problem. should
other types of addicts have things made easier for them? i think what you
are doing is out of the kindness of your heart and you truely believe in
your cause. i think the world should help MO people find a way to become
healthy instead of learning to "deal and except" their disease.
i have fought food addiction all my life, being underweight and morbidly
obease. it almost seems like when the "just say no to drugs
slogan" started people turned to food as their drug of choice. there
needs to be more FREE goverment programs to help with this growing problem.
we need wage war on obesity.
— franbvan
June 22, 2004
Hi Fran,
Original Poster here. I don't feel the need to slam you at all. You have
some very valid points. My mission regarding obesity discrimination
probably did start out as something done from the kindness of my heart.
However, after working with thousands of morbidly obese patients as a
surgical weight loss program coordinator it became a very serious goal that
I feel can be accomplished. Possibly you feel that I just want people to
be nice to us. This is not the case at all - I want people to stop
discriminating against us. I want all the things you suggested such as
early intervention and education available for people of all income and
socioeconomic levels. However, I also want morbidly obese people to be
equally considered for job advancement. I want open discrimination and
ridicule of the morbidly obese to be appropriately dealt with in schools
and places of employment. I'm not seeking for people to accept me just
because I am or was obese - I'm seeking acceptance and equality because I'm
HUMAN. I'm not looking for a pat on the head. It's basically no different
than equality based on gender, race, religion, etc. I completely agree
that intervention by the morbidly obese person to regain their health is
critical. I hope this better explains my goals in wanting information on
how the public is insensitive toward the obese.
— ronascott
June 22, 2004
Hi Rona - I sure hope you do get out there and tell about the blight of
being devastated by ignorant people! I have so many stories that I could
share with you, but, I'll just tell you one. There was a new Consignment
Shop that opened up. Several of us girls from work went into the shop to
look around. I was looking over a rack of clothes, when the saleslady came
up to me and told me that store didn't have fat people's clothes yet. I
asked her why she said that to me, and she told me that she didn't want me
to "waste my time looking over the clothes because I wouldn't find
anything in my size!" I was devastated and in tears! I gathered my
friends together, and told them what that idoit woman had said to me ...
(to their credit)they put down the stuff that they were going to buy and we
left that store! We all pledged to tell everyone that we knew not to go to
that shop!! A couple of months later - the shop closed!! So, hopefully,
that saleslady learned her lesson - but then again, probably not! Good
Luck! Danette
— Danette C.
June 22, 2004
rona i agree with you 100%. i think the work you are doing is great. most
of the people i love are MO. I see their bodies being eaten by this
disease. i pray everyday that my children will never know the pain and hurt
that goes along with being MO. i wish you all the luck in the world on your
mission.
— franbvan
June 23, 2004
I'll share a story: In 1995, I accidently locked myself out of my
apartment. My husband and I had just moved to the town we were in, so I
didn't know anyone to go to in my building. My husband was at work about 3
miles down the road. So...I started walking. Not five blocks into my
walk, a car of teenage boys slowed down as they passed me. Two of them
leaned out the window...and mooed at me. They drove off laughing. I
walked the rest of the way alone and wiping tears from my face. First my
tears were from the hurtful event that had just happened. Then my tears
were for anger at myself for being MO, then for locking myself out, then
for my husband being at work, then for having to walk there, then for being
upset, then I was crying because I was crying. I never told my husband
about that carload of boys. I was too ashamed of myself.
— Rachel T.
June 23, 2004
I went into Victoria's Secret to buy my neice something for her 16th
birthday. I had this smart ass tiny sales lady come up to me and tell me
they had nothing in my size and to try another store. When I told her I
was buying for someone else she perked up and asked if she could help me
find something. I told her no, I'll spend my money somewhere else. And no
I have never spent one dime in that store and never will. Dont care how
cute their stuff is. I've had a car load of guys call me fat ass. Been
called cow and every other farm animal you can think of. The list goes on
and on just like every other MO person has gone thru. But the most hurtful
thing that has ever happened was when I was in the 5th grade and my teacher
Mrs.Rowland, told me that I'll never have a boyfriend cause boys dont like
fat girls and when all my friends are out on dates I'll be sitting home all
alone eating myself to death. At that time I didnt even know I was fat!!!
Chubby yes but not fat by any means. She called me fatty all year and kids
started in on it because she thought that if I was teased enough I'd lose
weight. All it did was put me in a deep depression that lasted for YEARS.
That school year was the worst time in my life. It was the start of my
downfall. I'm waiting on that old bitch to die so I can piss on her grave
cause she'll need the water where she's going. But she is too mean to die I
think. ~Sidney~ Open RNY 10-23-02 down 140+ and under goal
— Siddy I.
June 23, 2004
Hello. I think what you are doing is great! I started gaining weight when
I was about thirteen, but didn't become SMO until I was in my 20's. My
monthly cycle stopped, I was always tired, and had terible headaches. I
went to three different doctors over a ten years span and they all said the
same thing. You are just fat and to lose weight. One doctor said I might
have chronic fatigue to my face, but when I pulled my medical records for
WLS her notes said MO. I had gastric bypass on 5/09/03 and have lost 150
pounds. I feel so much better and have no regrets, but I still suffer with
no cycles, headaches, and fatigue. I went to a new GYN a few months ago
and he ordered a MRI and found I have a tumor on my pituitary gland. While
I am happy to finally be getting the treatment I need, I wonder how many MO
peolpe are going through the same thing?
— Lacy G.
June 23, 2004
About 5 years ago, I was working in an office of a big company. I received
an envelope, no return address, post marked somewhere in California (I'm in
Massachusetts). Inside the envelope was a newspaper clipping of an
advertisement for a weightloss pill. On the top of the ad, someone wrote
"Paula, you should try this, it really works!"
Oh, and then just this morning... I was listening to the radio, and the DJ
was going on about things being banned at the beach (smoking, littering,
etc.). And he went on to say "is there a way we can ban overweight
people from wearing speedos and bikinis?". I just thought that was
very rude...
— sunneegirl
June 23, 2004
I had RNY in October of 2003 and am 27 pounds from my goal. I'm wearing
size 10 jeans as I type this, which is a miracle! (yay me!) I have been
"chubby" all of my life, but became MO in my late 20's and early
30's. I have so many stories, I don't think there is enough cyber-space to
hold them, but I remember everything from a boy yelling "look at the
hippo run" when I was playing baseball at 12 years old, to me politely
honking at a guy about to hit my car pulling out of parking space and him
yelling, "I see you, fatty!" about 9 months ago. However, now I
realize the most psychologically damaging discrimination I probably should
have felt was not the name calling, but the mere lack of acknowledgment.
Recently I went into Home Depot now, I had male workers practically running
over to see if I need help with something. Pre-October of 2003, I was
invisible. I was invisible everywhere. No one really looked at me (though
my darling husband said they always did, looking at my pretty face, God
bless him). Today I am so amazed now how many people go out of their way
to say "hello" or "can I help you?" or "are you
finding everything ok?" I almost look behind my shoulder to see if
they're actually talking to someone else, but since they're smiling and
looking DIRECTLY into my eyes, I have to assume they're addressing me.
Even people on the street smile and say "hi". This is very
different than the life I was living just 9 short months ago. Being obese
is very lonely in our society. For me, it was in the isolation I felt in
public--the lack of eye contact--the lack of words--the lack of basic
friendliness. I'm not whining by any means, so please don't think I'm
saying "aw, poor me, nobody was nice to me," because that's not
what I'm trying to express here. People were not often UNFRIENDLY to me,
but it was because I wasn't really "there" to them. They were
neither friendly nor unfriendly. I never realized it until that day
recently in Home Depot and now I notice it every day. It's like being
thin(ner) is finally being visible. I am VERY happy I had this procedure
and, oddly enough, I was a VERY well adjusted MO person (happy, healthy,
friends and family) but it took becoming thin(ner) to see how society
treats you when you're not. I hope this helps, Rona, and anyone who
agrees, feel free to email me for support or exchange of stories, etc!
Hugs to all!!
— susannahs
June 23, 2004
Rona...please feel free to e-mail me and I'd gladly tell you some stories
and also share with you something my surgeon told us during the pre-op
seminar. I would do it here (I'm not embarrassed to tell my stories), but
I'm afraid it would be too long and boring for others who may not want to
hear my stories. I LOVE this site because I feel as if I can help people
in small ways by sometimes knowing the answer to questions. By no means am
I saying everytime I answer something here, it's the correct answer. I
mainly give my experiences, but I do enjoy reading everyone's postings.
And if I can help one other person to feel better physically, emotionally,
or spiritually it will be worth it all. Good luck and God bless. Again,
please e-mail me if you want my input. I'll be glad to help out.
— Katherine F.
June 23, 2004
Oh my goodness..what a topic :)..
Having had several incidents happen through out the years one in particular
still hurts me as I think about it. Like all of us at one point or another
I was doing the phen phen diet pills and monthly weigh in's. After about my
2nd month of the diet process I had just left the Dr's office getting my
new refill and B-12 shot etc.. I was ON TOP OF THE WORLD I had just lost an
amazing 30 pounds that month, I was so happy and excited, felt like I was
invinsible, smiling from ear to ear.(you know the drill) I stopped at
Cosco/ Price Club to pick some things up on my way home, I was practically
skipping through the store, there were 2 men blocking the aisle with their
big carts, I waited a few moments when they wouldnt move..I said excuse me
guys could I get through? You know where this is going.. as I passed them
one of them said, you know if you'd loose some weight you probably would
fit thru here. I stopped turned around and looked at them..feeling the knot
in my throat swell up as I was about to burst into tears, I left my basket
and headed for the car, I knew I was seconds from crying. After that I
never returned to the diet Dr.. I just continued to get bigger and bigger.
This happened about 10-12 yrs ago and of all the hurtful things..this one
hurt me the most. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I hate stupid
people.. great topic :)
— Debra J.
June 23, 2004
I think the worst thing in the world I EVER experienced was when some
pre-teen boys teased my little girl who was 8 or 9, moo-ing at her, yelling
things. Its horrible to be MO obese yourself and deal with that crap, it's
100% worse seeing it happen to your "baby". I hope the work
you're doing will help our children especially. There should be no
tolerance for cruelty of ANY sort to our children. I know that for me,
school, especially grade and middle school, was a torture. So much so that
it was one of the factors for me to decide to home school. In comparison
though, adult life has been very kind to me and when reading the
experiences of other I do certainly feel fortunate. Despite the fact that
there may always be some insensitive idiot out there, I believe on a
day-to-day basis since my mid - late teens that the world has always
reacted kindly and respectfully to me. Strangers smile and visit with me,
men open doors, salesmen always offer me help, and I've never felt
invisible at all. I've been MO all my life, with a minimum adult/teenage
weight of 200+ lbs and a top weight of approx 350 lbs. I do feel fortunate.
I have to wonder though if perhaps others react to us based on how we
perceive ourselves or how we expect people to treat us. There must be some
difference that leads us to have very different experiences.
— Shelly S.
June 23, 2004
PS: After rereading what I wrote I wanted to just add that I did NOT mean
that when some insensitive idiot treats a MO person badly or discriminates
against them that it is their fault at all. I was referring to the
differences in our experiences on an overall basis. My thought is that if
some MO people have positive daily life experiences overall and some don't
that perhaps there is a difference somewhere in the people themselves
rather than in being MO. I especially wonder about this when I try to
imagine myself in the situation of those described by others of feeling as
though for years and years that people avoided me, as though I was
invisible, even salepeople who make their living by waiting on people
mistreating you, ignoring you, etc. I just can't imagine and wonder if
something like that isn't from a different place within than just be MO.
— Shelly S.
June 23, 2004
I can't thank you all enough for the answers you've given me. I've cried
as I read them! I feel like I've experienced all of them myself and,
frankly, I probably have. :( On one occasion I was leaving International
House of Pancakes with my son who was about 13. My husband and other son
were still in the restaurant paying the bill. A car came careening around
the corner in the parking lot squealing it's tires. I reached forward and
jerked my son back and shouted "Slow Down!". This little skinny
girl stuck her head out the window and said "Shut up you fat
bitch!". My son pulled away from me, ran after her car and let loose
with a stream of *&#$(%&@(% (*#%(#$*#&**@) (you get the
picture) and was giving her the finger with both hands. I was horrified.
I'd never heard such language from him as we don't allow that in our house.
Well, in the matter of an instant about a million thoughts ran through my
mind. I couldn't believe that an incident involving nothing more than a
reckless speeding driver was reduced to being all about my weight. After
the car drove away my son turned around and he was crying. He walked
toward me slowly and I could tell from the look on his face that he was
prepared to be in big trouble. What he didn't know was that my heart was
as broken as his. I couldn't believe that my weight had been the cause of
him losing total control in an effort to defend his mama (yep, I'm from the
south). He kept telling me he was sorry and all I could think of was I'M
SORRY! I hugged him but never could say a word for fear of losing control
and becoming completely hysterical. Luckily we have the kind of
relationship that he knew I understood his actions even if I didn't
approve. I never fussed at him and we never mentioned this incident again
ever and until this very moment I've never told a soul. He's never used
that type of language in front of me (and I hope he's never used it front
of anyone else) again. I felt lower than pond scum that I had so little
control over food that I could cause my precious son such misery.
Discrimination and ignorance IN ANY FORM is a travesty. Please keep sharing
your stories if you can. Society is denying itself a great joy in knowing
wonderful people like us just because we're obese. I can't even comprehend
it!
— ronascott
June 24, 2004
I may be a total minority here because I can never remember a single
incident of someone saying hurtful things about me because of my weight. Or
maybe they've happened and I've just been insensitive to it. I have always
charried myself with total confidence, dressed in as flattering a way as
possible, and boldly asserted myself with salespeople, etc. so I think
maybe that has made a difference for me.
However, I have heard people say ugly things about other MO people and I've
always jumped on them immediately when they did that. I usually have a
pretty snappy comeback and I admit sometimes my responses can be pretty
mean. Usually the person who made the original ugly comment is close to
tears after some of my comments because I'm REALLY good at sizing up people
very quickly and seeing their weak spots and hitting them where it hurts.
I'm trying to stop doing that but it REALLY makes me mad when someone is
being picked on and can't defend themselves. So many of us are super
sensitive anyway and are just perfect targets for insensitive, mean people.
I do get angry though at the way the media allows, or even encourages,
jokes about fat people. I don't know if it's gotten worse or I just never
noticed it before but it seems every show I watch on network television has
some unkind remark about obese people or has a stereotyped character on the
show. So many unthinking people watch those shows and since they see it
there, it gives them the idea that it's acceptable. So they go forth and
act like a jackass and really hurt someone who has already been hurt way
too much. Maybe your work, and the work of others like you, can help us to
change that.
— scbabe
July 3, 2004
While in a toysrus bathroom.i walked out of the handicaped stall and a
women asked "when was i due"? i responded "2 weeks ago"
and walked out as she said she was sorry.
— traceybubbles
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