Question:
How do you handle negative body image?

I've met a guy and we have been dating for a while. Its leading to the point where we are going to become intimate. I find it hard to show him my body because of all of my scarring and stretch marks. I've had my plastic surgery and have the scars on my legs, arms, breasts, stomach, around my butt and also on my pubic area. So far, he has seen some of the scars and has not asked any questions. But he will surely wonder what the ones on my legs are as they go up my inner thigh from my knee all the way up. I don't think he will at all reject me because of this, but just find it hard to explain about them. I mean should I let him see them first? I don't want to tell him about them first because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I think confidence is sexy and if I tell him about my scars prior its like I'm not confident about how I look. I know my biggest problem is that men compliment me on how "sexy" I am, but I know under my clothes I have the scars and stretch marks which makes me feel "unsexy."    — Gay S. (posted on December 26, 2003)

December 26, 2003
If he cares about YOU then it won't be a problem. If he is digging you then the scars will come up after. If he asks tell him the truth! U had wls and had skin removal. Big deal. Honesty is the most important factor in a relationship. As for your sexy question...Sexy is a state of mind... You didn't lose all that weight and change your body not to strut your stuff. I felt sexy when I was big, and I still feel sexy.
   — keishax

December 26, 2003
Well here we go again, having to justify ourselves. I don't know about you but I did that enough in my life. I'm pre-approval for my wls and I am male so let me tell you from my perspective. I lost interest in the opposite sex for almost 17 years after a bad break-up of my fiance and I and after being snubbed again and again because of my appearance since I had gained some weight after the break-up. We had had intercourse but she was the last one and so I ended up being "dry" so to speak for almost 17 years. In March, I met a woman who actually accepted me as I am, over 400 pounds of me and we connected, spiritually, emotionally and sexually. We have discussed marriage and are serious about considering it. She knows about my wls efforts and is behind me and so she is waiting to see how I feel afterwards about her. I can't see me changing my mind but I love her even more for being willing to wait. So what am I saying? Tell him!!!!!! If he is going to focus on your appearance only, then he isn't who you should want, or if you do, then in my mind, you need to change your attitude. I expect my attitude and mindset to change as I go through the process and I hope that I and my girlfriend are up to it. For me personally, if she is only looking at the physical me, then I don't want her either. My point is, I feel so incredibally complete with her that I don;t think my weight, lack of it, or any scarring will make any difference.
   — John O.

December 26, 2003
Gay, I don't think it would show a lack of confidence if you tell him about them. In a very up-front way you can tell him that you know he's seen some of your scars and you're sure that he's curious about them so you would like to tell him what they are. Or not. You can explain it to him without it being a big deal in a "just so you understand" sort of way. Hope this helps.
   — Pambylah

December 26, 2003
I had some personal issues I was dealing with when I met my husband. I was so affraid to share with him what I was going through for fear he would think I'm a quack and run off...but I also knew things were getting serious and I had to be honest and upfront with him...while discussing it with my best friend she said to me..."your not giving him enough credit". I don't know why, but that statement was riviting. He was an incredible person who had shown himself to me in so many ways how great he was...why should I have doubted him. I opened up and he didn't think it was a big deal...I married him 4 years later...60 lbs more than when we met and he is my soul mate....I Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for having him in my life...not that there aren't any days he frustrates me beyond belief, but he is the love of my life! Go for it...sexy is what illuminates from inside...look what you've accomplished...be proud of yourself and if he is weird about it...then you are just to good for him.
   — nani68

December 27, 2003
I can't imagine why you would be ashamed of taking charge of your obesity and getting a healthy lifestyle. Well- I guess I can imagine that, but I would sit down in a low-pressure location where the clothes will NOT come off and explain everything. If you are that intimate emotionally, and trust this man, it is time to just explain the history. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have taken charge of your health. I think if he is ready for it ahead of time, there won't be any "big surprises." <br> Believe me, as someone with an incredible amount of internal and external scarring, we are usually the harshest critics of our bodies... <br>
   — kultgirl

December 28, 2003
Hi Gay, I too have a map of scars all over. Any amount of scars can't overpower the feeling I have now that I am not overweight any longer and in clothes am very confident in my body! Scars can not be seen in the dark...and if he seems to have a problem with the scars and not proud of how far you have come, then you need to show him the door. But I have to say, I am thinking maybe you don't give this man enough credit. Be confident in yourself and be proud.
   — EMN

January 5, 2004
I understand how you feel. However, scars fade in time. My tt scar is almost gone completely. The scars on my arms are also fading fast. As far as the stretch marks, how many women do you know (thin OR fat) who DON'T have them??? Probably not many. Face it, if your getting ready to be with this guy intimately, he obviously likes you. Scars are not going to make him run. If it does, then he wasn't the right person for you to begin with. If he asks about the scars, if you don't want to tell him about the morbid obesity, tell him you were in a severe car crash. I know it's not honest, but I bet he would not even pursue the subject any further.
   — Patty H.