Question:
What are you telling your kids about your surgery?

Hi! I'm not planning on telling my kids that it is weight-loss surgery, but instead that I have a problem with "my tummy" and the doctor is going to fix it. Afterwards, we'll talk about how my eating has changed because of my "sick tummy". My kids are 6 & 9 yrs and are normal weight, so I don't want there to be a psycological issue about the "dieting". My mother dieted for all her life and still is, and I don't want my girls to have that "issue". What are you telling your kids?    — CrystalBroj (posted on January 14, 2003)

January 14, 2003
I have 6 grandkids ages 13, 5, 4 yr old twins and 2 2 yr olds plus I have home daycare with 1 5 yr old, 4 3yr olds and 3 2yr olds. I had to explain to all of them that they couldn't climb on me and I couldn't pick them up for awhile.I didn't try to go into the part about losing weight because they are to young to worry about that. I simply told them I went to the hospital and the doctor did an operation on my tummy. I showed them the bandages and when they came off I showed them the "booboo". It was that simple. Yours are older and may need more info but don't confuse them with too many facts.
   — Tawnda C.

January 14, 2003
My kids were in their 20's & on their own. Even then, I underplayed it. They were concerned for the word "surgery", but the type didn't mean much. They'd certainly had a mommy of every size by then! My grandson is now almost 5. I overheard him ask my husband when I was going to grow bigger! Like I'm not "finished". LOL! He never knew me at any size other than 110-115#. But every other person in his family is morbid. Both sides. My son might be "just" 80# over at this time. One more diet oughta push him over the top. His dad died at 49 due to his comorbs. Mom is 350? Her parents are morbid. My grandson has NO chance of being normal body weight. He was top end of his wt range by 4 months, so not his food choices or his parents'. When he can understand it, I will tell him as much as he can understand. He deserves to know this is a disease. I can't give him a future without the disease, but I can at least start the "not your fault" offsetting of what the rest of the world will tell him. It's bad enough to fight the disease without the confusion of thinking it is a mental disorder. There is no way that I would EVER perpetuate the "diet myth", that diet and exercise alone are enough to combat this awful deadly disease. That's sending him unarmed into battle.
   — vitalady

January 14, 2003
I had my surgery 2 months ago, and my children knew from the beginning that I was having WLS. Their ages are 10, 8, and 5. I didn't exactly tell them WLS, but explained that I needed help losing weight, because I had tried many times on my own. They were much more caught up with the fact I was having "surgery", and most of their worry was revolved around the fear of the hospital, surgery, etc. The two youngest were convinced that when they saw me in the hospital after surgery, I would already be skinny, although I told them many times that would not be the case. I did not have them visit the first night, because of the tubes, IV and cathedar etc. The next night when they came to bring me home, they were releaved to see it was the same old me. Telling the kids you have a "sick" tummy is going to concern them that your so sick you have to go to the hospital. I'm always for the telling the truth to my children. They're smart and love you, and will support you! Good luck with your decision.
   — krystalsolis

January 14, 2003
hi there :) i had open rny on feb 8 02 and at the time, my son keaton was 8. i was very open and upfront with it all. i explained that i was having wls so i could do many fun things with him and stick around for as long as possible. he has a clear understanding of it and hes such a gas LOL. he brags to all his buddys on how good im doing and he protests if i try to carry anything. "mom, ill get that, we dont need a hernia"hes cute about the whole thing and has handled it all very well. best of luck to you1 :)
   — carrie M.

January 14, 2003
i have 3 grown children who all live 1500 miles from us. the 2 elder ones, a son & a daughter, r in their late 29's & the youngest son will be 20 next month. in telephone conversations & emails i told them about my researching wls. i did not sugar coat nor did i make light of the surgery, the risks or the benefits. the 2 youngest were very unhappy about me having the surgery, out of fear of course, that something would happen to me. the older guy, struggling with his own weight problems, supported me from the get go. my younger guy made it his business to find someone in the bariatric profession who he could talk to & get honest answers from. he then called me & gave me his 'permission' to proceed lol. my daughter was adamant about not wanting me to have the surgery. just a few of her comments were...mommy u r NOT fat! mommy u r so beautiful u dont need to lose weight! mommy if u want to lose weight so badly just eat less & excersize more. (she is all of 5'2 & a size 8). the best one was...well i dont see anything wrong with u! u look the same to me as when i was little. i love u just the way u r! of course i considered these comments quite complentary & not at all insulting as these were her true feelings for me. not long after, she found out that a co-worker had had the surgery. she poured her heart out to the girl & whatever the young lady said to my daughter, made her feel tons better & she started to support me, albeit, reluctantly. i decided that she & i needed a face to face & 3 weeks pre-op i flew to visit her & lay my cards on the table to her, her husband & my 2 sons. what i kept stressing to the 4 of them was that this was my CHOICE, i was tired of being obese all my life, i was thoroughly educated & knew all the risks & was very willing to take them in an attempt to save my life. i also wanted her on-the-way baby to NEVER know the fat grandma who was her mommy's & uncle's fat mother. well i won her over & she became my biggest cheerleader. i ended our family meeting by telling them & making them promise, that if i died on the table or soon after, there was to be NO blame placed on ANYBODY. not themselves or their daddy, for 'not talking me out of it' or 'we should never have let her do it' etc. this decision was NOT up for discussion & not even my honey of 36 years was not allowed a say so. today i am down 120 lbs, have no co-morbids, take no meds & i scoot all over the floor chasing my beautiful granddaughter :-) . my dh & my wonderful children r THRILLED with my success & cant wait for me to pursue body contouring. honesty is the best policy where ur children r concerned, but, its not necessary to give them all the details. u may find this to be a strange analogy, but, treat it the same way u would treat their 'where do babies come from' question. its ok for them to know u struggle with a weight problem & that u love them so much u want to have the problem fixed. say no more than that & when they start asking questions, answer them honestly (downplayed answers of course) tell them only what they want to know & when they r satisfied that they know enuf they will run off & find something else much more important to occupy their little minds, like teasing each other or pushing & shoving each other around lolol. i know the time will come when my granddaughter will see pics of the 'old' me & she will question who it is, be surprised when she is told its me before she was born & will have questions about the difference. she will get honest & concise answers & only enuf details that will be appropriate for her age at the time. good luck to u hun. god bless u. i wish u a safe surgery & speedy recovery.
   — sheryl titone

January 14, 2003
I have two boys, 5 and 7, and I did the same thing--I told them I was going with Daddy for a meeting (a week long trip to Louisiana actually)...When I got back I said I had a sore tummy (explaining why I couldn't lift the younger one when he wanted right away) for a while. They haven't even noticed that I hardly eat anything (I keep myself busy serving them and the hubby so I don't get so worried about eating, that helps)..once in a while they say do you want this or that and I just say no I'm full (well, I'm not hungry anyway!)...I have a son who is very worried about hurt and death (hopefully just a stage) and I didn't want to worry him anymore than I had to. If something had happened to me, my husband would not have lied. We just didn't want to put unnecessary worry into their little lives.
   — Kimberley E.

January 15, 2003
I have a 12 year old son and a 14 year old daughther and I am a single parent. I have been very open with all of the information I have obtained. I believe that they are at an age where the can understand what is going on. If my children were the same age as yours I probably would not have made the same choices. My children are supportive of what I'm trying to do. They have been there when I have tried every diet under the sun so they know what I'm going through. I want them to be just as informed about this surgery as I am so they know what to expect when I get home. They are my biggest fans and are looking forward to helping out around the house. Go Figure! LOL I can't believe that it has taken surgery to get them to cooperate.
   — Karen R.

January 15, 2003
My daughter is 5 years old and I told her that the doctor is going to operate on my tummy so that someday I will be able to run and play with her like other mommies do. I am not hiding the purpose of the surgery from her, and if she asks I will tell her the truth. She does know that the doctor will make a cut in my side (demonstrated the actual size with my hands) and that although it will hurt for a while I will still be able to do things like hug her and her baby brother. She and I practice our very gentle post-op hugs. My husband and I have discussed death with her in the past, and she and I recently talked about how the death of a loved one makes us feel. Just in case something does happen I want her to know my feelings on the subject. While I don't think that you could ever really prepare a child (or anyone else for that matter) for the death of a parent, I want to make her aware of the possibility without frightening her. On a lighter note, she has enjoyed helping me remove junk food from the house. She loves guessing whether or not a food is healthy. I know that it will probably make things more difficult for me post-op, but I am trying not to make a big deal about keeping some of the desserts and other junk food in the house. She is a "normal" sized child with good eating habits, and I don't want her to be consumed with reading food labels and dieting unneccesarily by the time she is ten years old the way that I was.
   — Lydia S.