Question:
Anyone bothered by the fact that their hubby pays a LOT more attention now?
I know this may sound silly, but it sometimes bothers me as to how attentive and sexual towards me now. I like the atention, but at the same time, I want to ask him why he didn't "want" me this way before weight loss? I know, mind games with myself, and we are all attracted to certain types, and I wasn't attracted to me then, but it bothers me why couldn't he show me the attention when I needed it the most? Now, it bothers me because he's all jealous now, like I couldn't or wouldn't of left him before? Sorry for the rambling post, just dealing with weight loss issues as they pop up.......Thx, Donna in AL — Donna S. C. (posted on March 22, 2002)
March 22, 2002
I'm pre-op right now, but in my early 20's I had a "skinny"
period, after being heavy all of my life before that. I went through
something similar with two different male friends ... we'd been great
buddies for years, but all of the sudden I was thin, and they both wanted a
sexual thing - was definitely very hard to handle, it seemed to reinforce
to me how undesirable I must have been when I was heavy. But the fact was,
I DID look a lot different, I was also acting differently (more relaxed,
more flirtatious, I have to admit, stuff like that) and bottom line, men
are men. I don't have a definitive answer for you, just wanted to let you
know it's not just you. Maybe a therapist could help you sort it all out?
::hugs and best wishes::
— Linda B.
March 22, 2002
Donna, I am not married by my son's father is like this...He talks like
before my surgery I would have never left him...little does he know that I
am working my way away from him as I type this...I can't stand his
attitude. I know this really isn't an answer, but good luck-I know alot of
emotions come along with this surgery that we dont' think about in the
beginning...
— Marcie B.
March 22, 2002
I think Linda hit the nail on the head when she admitted she found herself
acting differently. I know that carrying around this extra weight for so
long now has changed me from who I really am, who I once was. Your hubby
probably senses that in you and is trying to make sure that you don't give
him any reason to be jealous. Yes, it's because he's a man but it's also
because he's human and his insecurities are showing. Man or woman, we all
have them in some form. Perhaps hubby knows other men are taking a second
look at you and he wants to re-secure his position. Try not to let it get
between you, try to enjoy his attention instead of resenting it. Work it
girl! And at the same time, assure him that the "new you" loves
him just as much as the "old you." Good luck and God Bless - Anna
— Anna L.
March 22, 2002
I would think it would be a crummy deal also and I don't blame you one
single bit for venting...I'm a preop patient but I understand completely.
I am SO thankful that my twin soul..my husband has never shown me anything
other than unconditional, romantic, passionate love...I love that guy. I'm
not the heaviest I've been in my entire life but I'm the heaviest I've been
since I've met him...he never ceases to amaze me with his love and
generosity. I sometimes giggle and thinks he sees me for something I am
now. I am still finding hidden Valentines from this past 14th of February.
He's had them (over 30 at this point) hidden throughout the entire house
and my office. Everywhere from my hidden jewelry box to the inside of my
lemonade container (my favorite drink). If it would have been different
and if he were to turn on the charm after my surgery and if I have success,
I'd be pretty upset. Our outside shell - the layer of skin on the outside
of us is not who we are...it's a part of us but not everything. I'd be
curious to know how many people are in your situation and how many people
ended in a divorce because they couldn't get past it. I absolutely
understand your question. Bright Blessings to you, Friend ~
— Lisa J.
March 22, 2002
I think it helps to put yourself in his place. If he weighed 400 pounds,
and then lost 200 pounds, exercised, became trim and firm, developed a cute
butt, etc., would you like looking at him more? This doesn't mean you
didn't love him any less before, right? The package is now nicer to look
at, that's all.
— Kristy J.
March 22, 2002
Hi Donna, I too have this issue. I knew that it would happen. My husband
never said anything about my weight before, but now that I am losing it, he
is really attentive. I like all of the attention, but at the same time, in
the back of my head, I'm thinking 'why couldn't he have been like this
before? I am more desirable physically, but also more emotionally
desireable. I'm not miserable and in pain all the time like I was before
surgery, my self-esteem has soared and I am more playful. My husband says
that I AM a different person. I FEEL like I'm a different person. And I
also wanted to point out too that I noticed a change in me when he started
training for a triathlon. He works out every day and has been getting
really 'buff':~). I find myself 'wanting' him more and ask myself 'am I
really that shallow'? I think that it is human nature to find that you
might be attracted to the more physically fit. But some may not. I don't
love him more now, I love him just the same. And men are a strange species
in that they are really physical creatures. Men think that physical
attractiveness is high on the list of importance, while women view
character as the most important quality. While my mind still plays these
games with me, I really try to not only enjoy my new life, but my new
marriage also. I am going to make the most of a changed situation and not
let the games win. Almost 5 mo. post-op, 38 lbs. to goal!
— Cheri M.
March 22, 2002
03/22/02: KRISTY J. WRITES: I think it helps to put yourself in his place.
If he weighed 400 pounds, and then lost 200 pounds, exercised, became trim
and firm, developed a cute butt, etc., would you like looking at him more?
This doesn't mean you didn't love him any less before, right? The package
is now nicer to look at, that's all.
****************
What a crock of doggy dung. I'm sorry - I just don't believe this pile of
mess for one second. Donna in AL is the same person on the inside as she
was 2-years ago (or however long it's been). She clearly stated when she
needed the attention before, it wasn't there. So now that she's thinner
and as you put it "with a cute butt", it's okay for her husband
to be all over her like white on rice? I'm absolutely with Donna in
thinking it's pretty much a raw deal. I can remember the afternoon after
that my mother came home from the hospital after a radical mastectomy. My
mother was always fit as a fiddle and her outside shell was always radiant
- she is a beautiful lady to this day both inside and out. But that day,
after the surgery, she came home and opened up her gown to see her chest -
one breast the same as always, the other side of her body scarred and
tattered beyond belief. I will never forget the sounds of her whaling and
crying as she viewed her body - she saw blood stained stitched up scars
that looked like something out of a Frankenstein movie. I remember her
knees buckling as she saw herself for the first time but I also remember my
father stood right behind her and picked her up. He held her from behind
until she was able to stop and listen. He said "please stop and look
at yourself through my eyes. You have always been and will always be the
most beautiful person in the world to me" - I could FEEL the truth in
his words - he said "I will love you until the day I die and nothing,
nothing will ever change that". They just hit their 50th wedding
anniversary and my father has aged with Parkinsons Disease and has
whithered in many ways to a point where people don't recognize him but to
my mother - he's still the temple he's always been. When you love someone,
you want to show them ALL the time...not just when the horn-dog mode is
turned on....there's so much more to it then that, Kristi. I'm not trying
to be ugly just stating my opinion...I believe there's a lot more to life
than what you might realize.
— Lisa J.
March 22, 2002
Being obese is hell on earth for both the person and those who love them.
You looked terrible and now look wonderful. You have issues with a man who
has been there for you literally through better or worse? Please just enjoy
and let go the past. There's so much pain connected to it.
— michelle R.
March 22, 2002
LJ: Do you really think it is necessary to refer to another poster's
comments as "doggy dung"??? We are supposed to be here to support
one another. Obviously we all have different experiences in life and
therefore different opinions. But respect for others' opinions should come
first and foremost in this format. Also, I believe you are incredibly
blessed to have a loving, affectionate spouse. And the story of your
parents' love for one another is beautiful. You are fortunate to have had
that type of relationship to model your own after. However, many of us have
not. Many of us, men and women, have not had the blessing of learning how
loving relationships work. We are taking things as they come, day by day.
For many men it is difficult for them to express affection. This is
particularly so when the woman they are with is depressed or holds back due
to a lack of self-confidence. Many of us who are obese DO hold back, we DO
put up walls between those who love us. I believe that discovering self
confidence can test even the best of relationships. But for someone who is
finally coming out of their shell, finally letting down the walls, to
become resentful toward their spouse is not a loving way to handle it.
Perhaps Donna's husband didn't always show her the affection before. It
doesn't mean he loved her any less. But now that he is in fear of possibly
losing her, perhaps now he is willing to reinvent himself as well.
— Anna L.
March 22, 2002
I'm preop but, my exhusband had a MAJOR PROBLEM with my weight, how I wore
my hair, I'm a nail biter also. I put up with it for 17 years. Now I'm in
my 2nd marriage and my dh doesn't have a problem with my weight, as I have
been overweight since I've known him. My problem is, I want to rub it in
my ex's face when I get to goal weight. I know this is wrong but I have
this great revenge and for him. He and gf have just bought a $250,000 home
in Dallas. I was their for all the tough times and now she reaps the
benefits. Then, I try to tell myself, but I'm not having to hear the
verbal abuse every day. As someone said, we all have emotional issues.
— Brenda Kay U.
March 22, 2002
This is why I wish we could post anonymously. Here I just offer my own
simple opinion and I'm beaten up for it.
— Kristy J.
March 22, 2002
Kristi, you were not "beaten up". You were disagreed with.
Someone criticized your opinion. What do you care what they think? They
are entitled to their opinion as much as you are. LJ obviously hasn't yet
learned the fine art of diplomacy, but hey, no one here is perfect (well,
except me. I have just the right amount of flaws rendering me to be a
perfect human being) I suggest you learn to live with that kind of stuff
by rolling your eyes instead of feeling 'beaten up'. Also, back to the
point, Donna dear, perhaps you weren't sending him 'signals' back in the
bad old days. And besides, we all know what shallow, visually stimulated
men can be. Rare is the man who is wise enough to love us when we don't
love ourselves. I agree with the poster who said, let it go and, if you
love him, just enjoy what you have now. Or as my boyfriend say, "Stop
thinking so much". Good Luck to you...
— merri B.
March 22, 2002
This may be a good example of the "Mars & Venus" syndrome.
Women are emotional and men are visual. Men also as a rule don't talk
about things as women do. If we have a problem, we usually talk about it.
Men keep it close to them and maybe in a rare occasion will
"mention" it. I am pre-op and 331#. I was always the talker and
can talk to anyone about virtually anything. At one time I had a lot of
male friends. Men usually were attracted to me more for my humor, positive
outlook, etc. then my body. But I noticed as I gained more weight and
wasn't as active in or outside of the home that this attraction changed.
It changed because I did.... I was distressed, depressed to some degree,
too pensive, and not as much fun to be around as I was unhappy with ME.
When you lose this weight, YOU will change -- you can't help for that to
happen. Your self-esteem will rise, you will smile more, you'll be out and
doing. I don't find it unusual at all that your husband would become more
attentive as its almost like having a new woman in his life. So I urge you
to think: You have started a new life with new adventures.... So has he
and he's starting that adventure with you. Be thankful of the
attentiveness -- its very normal.
— AJC750
March 22, 2002
I am one who lacks diplomacy, but even I know that calling someone else's
opinion doggy dung in a public forum is inappropriate. It might be okay to
say that to my friend who is with me and can smile at my choice of words
and talk it out, but online, in electronic form, in a posted environment,
it is not the best way to communicate.
I am not a visual person. Whether my husband has cute buns or blue eyes or
a full head of hair or is bald does not matter to me, but I know people
that are visual, and a weight loss makes a difference to them. *I* prefer
looking at me and devote more attention to myself now that I have lost
almost 150 lbs. My husband does too. Sometimes I'm hurt but I think it's
more because I realize that I have missed out on a lot of life due to
living over 40 years morbidly obese. Cultural opinions aside-I could not
fit in theatre or stadium seats, I could not fit in a restaurant booth, I
could not fit in the chairs in a lot of offices and waiting rooms. Is that
about me being less beautiful at 373 lbs? No, it is about me not being able
to live a *normal* life at 373 lbs.
I think we have a lot of feelings to deal with postop, and there is a
better way to help each other than to refer to someone else's
thoughts/feelings as doggy dung.
And ...ANONYMOUS POSTING IS A GOOD THING!
Faith with a fake last name to preserve my anonymity (as if you all didn't
know that Anony was the first 5 letters of Anonymous)
— Faith A.
March 23, 2002
My and my husband's intimate relationship has improved considerably in the
past several months. I think it has very little to do with him and a whole
lot to do with me. He's been attentive and affectionate for 23 years
regardless of where my weight was. The difference is ME! I feel more
attractive and so I am behaving differently. Especially for most woman, how
we feel about ourselves plays a huge role in how we behave. The fact that
my husband is even "friskier" than ever is a reaction to my
improved attitude. Everyone, man or woman is attracted to a confident,
playful attitude. There is also no denying the fact that men in particular
are attracted visually, but I still think attitude is the main difference.
The poster mentions not feeling good about herself before her weight loss
and I'm sure that came out in your attitude, as it did in mine. The
jealousy and posessivness he is showing now may or may not be an issue you
need to deal with with your husband.
— Bobbie B.
March 23, 2002
I need to make a public apology to Kristi on this posting ~ wasn't meaning
to make you feel bad, I really wasn't. I'm sorry and I was wrong for the
way I worded my comment back. The comment you left hit me wrong only
because I truly believe with all my being that everyone...short, tall, fat,
thin, sickly, healthy, etc...everyone deserves to have that incredible
'swept off your feet' sort of love. Everyone..and whatever size or health
they are at as well. Donna in AL ~ bet you never realized the diversity
you'd find on the subject. :) Kristi ~ please forgive me if I hurt your
feelings ~ was not my intention. I absolutely agree that everyone has
their right to their opinion...it's what makes the world go round.
:::sitting myself in time out for a few hours::: :) Bright Brilliant
Blessings !! () : )
— Lisa J.
March 23, 2002
I think Bobbie has the answer. She says her husband was attentive and
affectionate before the surgery and that has only improved after your
surgery. If your husband was not attentive and affectionate before you had
the surgery and is now, I can see why that would upset you. I've seen it
posted here more than once. This surgery can make a good marriage better
and a bad one worse. Only you can really know what you should do.
— garw
March 23, 2002
Hi Donna. I am still pre-op but am sort of expecting this from my husband
afterwards. He loves me unconditionally now, but I have to say the sexlife
hasn't been very hot lately! BUT, part of that is my fault, because when
you don't like yourself, others cant either. The point is you looked
beautiful before and look even better now! Enjoy it!
— emilyfink
March 23, 2002
The emotional issues that come with this surgery are often as life altering
as the physical changes - I know that they have been for me. I was
overweight my entire life, which took a great toll on my self-esteem. I
have always had an outgoing personality, but since the surgery, I've
changed so much. Everyone around me talks about how much happier I seem...
how I walk around with a smile all of the time... how much more flirtatious
I am. All of the changes that I have undergone are not that apparent to
me, but I obviously project myself in a different manner - one the is much
more attractive to those around me. Do I think I look better after having
lost 93 lbs? Hell yes! Do men think that I look better? Of course they
do! We can all sit here and say that looks do not matter, blah, blah,
blah... but it just isn't true. Are looks the most important thing?
Absolutely not! But physical attraction is imperative to any intimate
relationship. Often times that physical attraction has nothing to do with
looks, but attitude. When I weighed 272 lbs, I didn't find myself to be
attractive, so why would I expect a man to? Even now I struggle with this
even though I am only about 15 lbs from goal. Would you honestly prefer
that men (your husband) continue to be unattentive? There have been times
when I have gotten a bit ticked off because a guy co-worker all of the
sudden started paying a lot of attention to me now that I am slimmer. But
then I have to stop and think.... this is one of the reasons that I had
this surgery. I wanted to be normal and be treated just like all of the
women of a normal weight around me got treated. I no longer wanted to be a
shadow that just faded into the background. It is very true what one of
the previous posters said.... a great marriage gets stronger after surgery
and a bad marriage only gets worse. My marriage failed after I had
surgery. The confidence that I gained after surgery gave me the courage to
face the writing on the wall. My marriage had been in turmoil for a long
time, but before surgery I was weak and would not leave because I didn't
think that I would ever be able to find someone who'd want me. Now looking
back, I know that wasn't true, but when you lack self-confidence, you see
the world through different eyes. I am slowly learning to love myself...to
love the woman that I have become, physically and emotionally. I am sorry
for this long ramble... I know that it doesn't directly answer you
question, but I just wanted to give you something to think about.... I am
sure that you have changed a lot since you had surgery, so why would you
expect your husband to not change with you? A marriage is an evolving work
of art.
— Lori B.
March 23, 2002
original poster here: the issue is this: he's turned on the charm ___now___
, now that I'm a 3/4 and 5/6, it just hurts sometimes. I have always been
me, you know? I'm sure my attitude has improved, but it's like now he's
suddenly been hit on the head that others DO find me attractive. Does that
make sense? Thx, Donna
— Donna S. C.
March 24, 2002
Well, first off, I love this question. I got married really young (am only
22 now and married a year and a half) and first off that in itself was a
bad idea.... When I married I was probably 340 and pre op (this January) I
was 368, so I haven't gained much since marriage (that is my normal weight
gain pattern). Well prior to marriage we had a lot of sex and once we said
"I do" he cut me off. I don't know why that is. I ask ALL the
time and he still says "NO!". Well now that I'm losing weight and
OTHER men are finding me more attractive, suddenly he is too. Not only does
this hurt my feelings, but that is dysfunctional. Now I'm the one who
"has a headache". Our marriage is headed to divorce, but that is
one more stick in the fire. If he couldn't want me when I was big and now
he only does because he feels "threatened", is this a true,
loving relationship? It may be all in my head, but when you put it on
paper, that's what it boils down to. I think I got married young because I
thought it would be my "last prospect" and so I took what was
offered. That's a sad thing. Just because you are obese doesn't mean
someone can't love you TRUELY or want you sexually. Don't stand for second
place, it's the first loser.
— Paula Prichard
March 24, 2002
I have to say, for me, my husband's attentions made me nervous
at first. I don't think it was HIM- I think it was ME getting
used to me. He has always loved me, but I didn't love myself
fat, and he treated me as I treated myself. I now treat
myself with respect and so does he. I feel more sexual
and he treats me more sexually. I think I sometimes blame
my husband for problems that really belong to my own hangups.
I am NOT suggesting anyone else does this- this is just from
my own experience. Does my husband love me more or less depending on
my weight? I don't know and I don't care- I love myself
more, so it is time to get on with my life. Good Luck!
— M B.
March 24, 2002
It's me again: LOL, Merri, I know, that's my BIGGEST problem. I analyze
everything to death sometimes. But the point is, the charm was turned on
after the weight loss. I know I would be the same way if it were turned
around, he with the weight loss, me feeling like I had a new hubby, but it
still hurts sometimes. Thx for everyone's help. There are other things
going on in my marriage, and I really don't know which way it will finally
go. But, I'm trying! ; ) PS My hubby used to turn me down for sex
constantly, now it's in reverse, too. Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own
personal Twilight Zone!! Donna
— Donna S. C.
May 8, 2002
Maybe your husband is worried that now other men will realize what he's
known all along. He's feeling a little unsure of himself with the
beautiful new you and the jealousy is him trying to protect what he
treasures. Once he feels better about himself and that you still feel the
same, he'll probably calm down. I am betting he is kicking himself for not
being as attentive as he should have always been and now regrets it.
Best wishes to you on your road to good health! :)
— Carmen K.
May 15, 2002
This is STILL bothering me, folks, I need your help. The whole point of
this questions was this: My DH used to turn me down all the time, now he
can't get enough. This hurts. We used to go for months at a time, he would
tell me that he didn't need sex. Now, he does. HELP!!! Donna in AL
— Donna S. C.
May 16, 2002
Have you talked to your husband about this? Is he willing to help you work
through it? I think that you should probably consult a therapist together
so that you both can express your feelings. But if you are not willing to
do that... I would suggest that you leave the past in the past. Do you
have a deep meaningful and spiritual connection now? Or is all the
attention focused on sex. Evaluate your relationship as it is now and work
on building it stronger. Leave the past alone.
— Virginia N.
May 16, 2002
My ex-husband and I were married for 20 years until 3 years ago. He NEVER
made me feel bad for the weight I had gained and always made me feel loved
--- until he went through a mid-life crisis and left me for another woman
so he could be "free", him and her 3 kids! Haha! So I think
that in the love department, you have to investigate the person you're with
or plan to be with and decide if they are real and then go on faith into
the relationship. Any man or woman can be unfaithful and any man or woman
can be shallow. If you love this man, enjoy yourself, let him love you and
love him right back! And when his hair falls off his head and he grows
hair down his back and buttocks, remember this moment and love him even
more and try not to be shallow....... Life is but a dance left to
chance......live it and dance like no one's looking. (I took my own advice
and remarried although I was fearful of the same results.......)
— Nell C.
May 16, 2002
I know our instinct is to wonder at the alterior motive but in honesty when
we lose weight WE change. Our demeanor changes, out humor, our smile, and
we reflect this to many people both in our homes, at work, in our
community. I had a really good conversation with my ex husband long ago
who also was not interested many times in sex when I was. Sexual activity
with one overweight is more difficult, more cumbersome, less active and
quite honestly more work. This is not a generalization but in many cases.
Women are emotional and men are visual and lets face it while most of us
are losing weight more for our health, a great perk is we'll look a whole
lot better. When you combine that with our own feelings of lower self
esteem, lower energy, more pain, etc. its not a great combination for super
great sex. What is happening now is that we are feeling better about
ourselves, we're stretching out to greet the world in a different way and
whether its pheromones or just our wonderful excited energy or the ability
to move more and faster, we are more approachable and we want that
attention. I know it is troublesome that it would take this loss to
increase that attention but at least it is increasing. Most likely too
there are other issues going on that are troubling you and this might be
just one more thing that is icing the cake. You might think of having a
long getaway weekend away from children, jobs, home pressures, tv, etc. to
spend some time walking and talking together and just ask him how he feels.
But a caution is to not become defensive but listen and you talk also to
let him know how you feel. You might find yourselves going on a stronger
pathway together. My best to you.
— AJC750
Click Here to Return