Question:
Any of you had problems with your spouse becoming a stick in the mud after surgery?
Now that Ive lost pretty much all of my weight I have a lot more energy to do a lot more things. The problem is my husband doesnt want to hardly do anything. He talks a lot about dieting, joining a gym to work out (he's 5'10 and about 275), but he's all talk and never does it. I havent really said a whole lot since I have been in that boat myself, but it's really getting annoying now. He gets home from work in the am (he works midnights), goes to bed, wakes up about dinnertime and is up long enough to eat, and goes back to bed and sleeps until its time to go to work. Has anyone gone through anything similar with their spouses? I love him no matter what weight he is, it's just getting a little frustrating that he's like this. — Kris T. (posted on March 11, 2004)
March 10, 2004
First congrats I see you lost it all! Sorry I hate to be the bearer of bad
news. Really. So your hubby likely qualfies for surgery and sees all the
wonderful things it can do and just isnt interested? How sad. My surgeon
says that couples where one gets surgery and the other doesnt invaribly get
divorced. Now there are exceptions, and a few of them members here but its
really hard. My wife Jen originally didnt want WLS and only reluctantly had
it after getting so ill from her weight her PCP wouldnt let her return to
work. She filled in her paperwork while hospalitized for asthma for the 3rd
time Jen USED to work the night shift and did exactly what your hubby does,
sleep eat and work with a bit of TV. I think the shift leads to added
weight and other problems as you describe. Jen then got a job with rotating
day evening shifts. It helped some but her energy level was still low. Just
recently she got a new doctors office job. 8 to 5 monday thru friday.
Honestly her energy level has skyrocketed. For the first time in 8 years
she is really living. <P> Have you socialized with other postie
couples who both had surgery? That might help encourage your hubby to have
it too. At minimum see if he can change his work shift to daylight for
awhile. That might help some, jen never realized how low energy she was.
For HER it was normal. In any case I wish you both the best this is a
difficult situation.
— bob-haller
March 10, 2004
Are you sure that he became a stick in the mud, or is it more like you were
both sticks in the mud together before surgery and now you aren't a stick
anymore? My husband (who has similar stats to yours) and I just didn't do
much physically before my surgery 16 months ago. He says he'll go to the
gym, but doesn't. He has lost about 20 pounds but is not interested in
surgery for himself though he's always been and continues to be supportive
of my having WLS. I just remind myself that it's up to him and no one else
to lose weight, have surgery, or commit to any major life change. We do
things that we both enjoy doing together - movies, shopping. When I want to
do more physical things, I take the kids or a friend or my mom and just do
it. You may want to consider a therapist to reconnect with him. Could he be
suffering from a medical condition causing him to have no energy - you may
want to get him a physical to make sure he's OK. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
March 10, 2004
Although, unfortunately, I can't relate to your particular situation, as my
DH readily embraced the idea of surgery and had his WLS about 6 months
after I did, I can tell you that I worked a fair number of years on night
shift. Has he ever been on an antidepressant? I know I had absolutely no
energy when I worked nights. Looking back, I was pretty depressed, but
didn't recognize it. I had no motivation to do much of anything beyond
sleep, work and eat. I would almost bet money that an antidepressant would
help your hubby. Just my $0.02 worth!
— koogy
March 10, 2004
Hi Kris, sounds like you're living with my husbands twin. Same exact
schedule. What is worse, my hubby tries to discourage me from doing what I
need to do to make it to my goal. I never even got close. He pouts if I
do not want to eat what he is eating. He pouts if I want to go for a walk.
He has become less romantic and very mechanical in our relationship. Same
thing, he works nights. I work days. The only time we spend together is
when I get home in the evenings, he use to stay up with me til it was time
for him to go to work. Now he says he needs a second nap so as soon as we
eat dinner he is back to snooze land. When I try to talk about it he
always says I am overreacting. It's like our lives are going on 2 separate
courses. Wish I knew what to say or what to do. I still am very much in
love with the guy.
— SARose61
March 11, 2004
My two cents? You are hardly alone on this one. If you can't get him to
consider couples' therapy, you might want to consider some for yourself.
<br><br>For better or worse, though, don't give up... and try
to work things through. To me, sounds like depression on his part, with
that much time spent in bed.<br><br>Good luck to you.
— kultgirl
March 11, 2004
This is not too uncommon among people who work the graveyard shift. Some
people deal really well with it and others don't produce enough melatonin
sleeping during daylight hours to ever feel truly rested. While he may be
depressed (and that's common too from lack of REM sleep) he may really need
to change shifts...even if it is a financial hardship!
— [Deactivated Member]
March 11, 2004
Sounds like mine for the first 9 months, kinda. At first, he refused to be
treated for his sleep apnea, but in my mild mannered (HAH) way, I just set
an appt for him anyway, got it dx, and treatment began. His was not as
serious as mine, but still, having it treated helped bring him back quite a
bit. He worked days, but with a long commute, came home, ate dinner, fell
asleep in front of the TV by 7:30 or so. He used to be so much fun! With
the CPAP, he made it til 9 or so. It was better. He was JUST 100# over
and then at my 9 months out, finally realized he did not have to be a slug
any more and started asking questions. He had tried to pretend that he
wasn't THAT obese, and that it wasn't stealing his life. But as I got
closer to a normal weight & energy level, the difference between our
heavy lives and our lives at a slightly chunky weight were so vastly
different that he wanted that happier way of life back. WE didn't become 35
again, but we were able to become more active again and do things together.
We're both rather sedentary by nature, but we took pride in our home and
such and had totally lost the energy or stamina to keep up with routine
maintenance or improvements. His surgery was 1 yr after mine. But the
point I was trying to make is that he began to reclaim his life once his
sleep apnea was treted, even though it took awhile longer to decide that he
was in fact, morbidly obese.
— vitalady
March 11, 2004
My only advice to add would be to not let your hubby keep you from doing
the active things you want to do. We can't change other people. They have
to want to change. Working third shift is yucky, but that doesn't mean you
should give up what makes you happy. Good luck.
— catleth
March 11, 2004
Hi Kris
My hubby is sort of the same but he plays computer games all the time when
he's at work he's checking out this that have to do with the game and when
he gets home if dinner isn't ready he plays until it ready then immediately
after dinner he's back at the game heck sometimes he sit at the computer
and plays while he eats it is so hard for me to get him to want to go any
where or if we do go out he's Like I work hard all day and I don't even
want to be out I just want to go home, he hardly ever lifts a finger to
help out with the house, so I started going to Aquacize once a week for now
maybe more later. we've been married 7 years I hate the game so much and
even thou we have gotten in plenty of fights about it it slows for a little
bit but then a few weeks later it goes back. He's been saying the same
thing he has said that he would like to get down under 200 lbs but when it
comes to anything that I want to get he stalls on it for as long as he can.
but I do Love him and have been threw lots worse. my advise is to stick it
out as long as you can maybe once men start flirting with you in front of
him he'll start realizing that you have other options and maybe it will
make him smarten up.
— Lisa Cameron
March 12, 2004
As a graveyard worker myself I can so relate to what your husabnd is going
through. It is so easy to find yourself in that crazy pattern. Exercise
helped me get out of it...made my body tired enough to sleep good sleep and
then be awake more during my awake time. Can he work out on his lunch hour
at work? I am going through a simular thing with my husband. I too don't
care what weight he is except for my concern for his health. After going
in for a recent MRI he was too large for the machine and he turns to me and
asks what do fat people do? It never dawned on me till then that he really
had no idea how large he became. So he is warming up to the whole idea of
WLS. He has sleep apnea, asthma, back problems and is a good 130 lbs+ over
weight. I would suggest doing some walking, riding a bike...weather is
getting better...stuff that doesn't seem like a work out and most off all
keep doing your stuff....soon he is bound to start feeling left out might
want to join you. I wish you well....
— nani68
March 12, 2004
Kris, I agree with others, but don't be too hard on him or push him too
much. Perhaps you should find new things to do like bowling or something
outside the house - men think different sometimes it is hard to tell what
they are going through. Continue to do what you need but now and again ask
him to join you even if it is just a movie or shopping.
— Anna M.
March 14, 2004
Hi there, this is the original poster here! I want to thank you all for
your advice. My husband was switched to day shift starting today so maybe
that might help things out somewhat. He is also thinking about possibly
having surgery too! He got on to the scale a couple of days ago and found
out he gained 10 lbs. He also had his measurements done for the tux that
he's going to rent for my stepdaughter's wedding in June and was shocked at
what he was (he was a 46 regular in a suit when we married, he measured at
a 54 on Friday). I love him no matter what weight he is, he is a wonderful
husband and father, I just want him to be healthy and feel good about
himself. I know the decision for him to have surgery has got to be his
alone, so I wont push him. Ill love him and be with him no matter what he
decides to do. Anyway, thanks for all of your advice! You all are a great
bunch of people!
— Kris T.
March 14, 2004
Kris, glad to see your moving in a positive direction:) I think you should
socialize with some other postie couples, so he can see how happy they
likely are. My surgeons say husbands invaribly go last after being drug
reluctantly along to WLS so your perfectly normal.
— bob-haller
March 14, 2004
So glad to hear the news about your DH getting switched to day shift! And
he is interested in surgery. My husband didn't say much about surgery - he
was glad for me to have it, then suddenly, he was ready and wanted to have
it done, too. It has been really great for both of us. I really think it
has brought us closer together, not only physically (lol! one less
"person" between us!) but emotionally. All the best!
— koogy
March 24, 2004
I READ ON THIS SITE OF HOW WE ALL FEAR THE DANGER OF W.L.S. I DID TOO OVER
2 YEARS AGO.. BUT THE BIGGEST DANGER IS WHAT HAPPENS AFTER. I'VE READ WHERE
THE DIVORCE RATE IS 60% AFTER W.L.S. MY PRE-OP CLASSES ALSO TOLD US THAT A
GOOD MARRIAGE SHOULD SURVIVE, A BAD MARRIAGE PRE-OP MAY NOT..MY WIFE HAD TO
GO TO MY CLASSES TOO, AND I KNOW WHY. THIS IS A LIFE CHANGING SURGERY, AND
IT AFFECTS THE ENTIRE FAMILY.. MY WIFE ASKED AT MY CLASS ABOUT HER HAVING
THE W.L.S. AND SADLY BECAUSE OF A HEALTH MATTER THE DOCTOR'S SAID THEY
WOULD NOT TOUCH HER FOR FEAR OF LOSING HER.. AS I LOST MY 230 #'S IN 9
MONTHS, I WATCHED MANY EMOTIONS ON MY WIFE'S FACE.. EVERYTHING FROM
JEALOUSY TO FEAR. SHE ONCE TOLD ME SHE KNOW I WOULD SOON LEAVE HER NOW THAT
I LOOKED GOOD.. THIS RIPPED MY HEART OUT THAT SHE WOULD THINK SUCH A THING.
I LOVE HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.. BUT THAT FEAR IS THERE. AS I
LOST WEIGHT AND MY SPIRITS ROSE I SAW HERS SINK.. WE ARE O.K. TODAY NEARLY
3 YEARS OUT. BUT THE EARLY DAYS WERE A PROBLEM.. I KNOW IF THE SITUATION
WERE SWITCHED, I SAW MY WIFE LOSE WEIGHT, FEEL GOOD, AND I SAT THERE OVER
WEIGHT, I KNOW I WOULD THINK THAT IS WAS HOPELESS AND THAT SHE MAY SOON
LEAVE ME..I GUESS ALL I AM SAYING IS GIVE IT SOME TIME,, AND YOU SOUND LIKE
A WIFE THAT WILL GIVE IT TIME.. AND I WISH YOU THE BEST..BUT JUST TRY TO
THINK OF WHAT YOUR HUSBAND FEELS NOW AND WHAT HIS FEARS MAY BE.. GOOD LUCK
— bruce M.
March 24, 2004
Hi Bruce! Sorry to hear about your wife being too high risk for WLS. I
suggest you get a second opinion! My surgeon dr schauer in pittsburgh does
lots of successful surgeries on people other surgeons refused to opearate
on. Such things as the adjustable band are lower risk options too. It cant
do any harm to ask. You can speak with my surgeon the first wednesday of
each months support group meeting at 7pm at montefiore. I hope you will at
least ask, its free and cant do any harm. Me and my wife should ber there,
everyone is welcome and stop and say hi!<P> I encourage anyone turned
down for medical reasons for WLS to shop around a bit. Many surgeons
cherrypick the easiest safest patients wanting a low death complication
rate. While other surgeons often as part of a large teaching hospital
specialize in the most challenging cases. My surgeons group takes on
revisions and the super morbuids of over 700 pounds most done LAP while
their death rate is .4% which is way better than the nationasl rate of 1%.
I hope bruces wife can have WLS too. My wife did too and I went first and
watched her pain as I shrunk. I was actually relieved when she had her
surgery.
— bob-haller
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