Question:
Anybody else being personally attacked by teenage daughter(s)
I'm wondering if anybody else is having similar problems with their teenage daughters since after surgery. It seems like every chance they get, they are personally attacking me and making me feel selfish and/or vain. Examples: I recently got my teeth ZOOM! whitened at the dentist. Yes, it was $300. Yes, I could have gone without. But, I went ahead and did it FOR ME. Boy, did that create problems with them--"I didn't need it, the $$$ could have went elsewhere, I could have used Crest White Strips, they still look yellow anyways, blah blah blah . . ." This weekend I spent about $125 on new makeup for myself. Result--last night I got to hear "how ridiculous it is to spend $7 on a L'oreal eyeliner pencil when I could have got Wet & Wild for .99 and then I bought one in every color; I'm stupid for spending $11 on makeup base when I could have bought Jane for $2; I look ridiculous w/lipstick because nobody my age wears lipstick anymore; I'm stupid for spending $12 on a 2-inch tall tub of special eye cream; I'm trying to look like a teenager; blah blah blah" First of all, they usually don't talk to me this way, so it is catching me off guard--I find myself justifiying myself to them (I could have went to the mall and bought Clinique cosmetics and spent even more $$$ . . .) Secondly, the $$$ is not even really an issue--we are far from the poor house. Third, I didn't go home flaunting what I bought and how much it cost, I simply went home and put it in my make-up drawer; they were obviously in my make-up drawer, as well as looking at the receipts in my purse. This morning I simply told them that for at least 11 years I have felt like a fat, old, ugly, worthless piece of crap. Because of this surgery, I have lost 56 lbs and becoming thinner again is helping me feel young and cute and alive. I asked them to please be happy for me, and bear with my while the feeling is still "new". Any ideas why they are being so critical of me? How long will it last? And how can I NOT take it so personally? Any similar stories? Thanks! Audra, Open RNY 8-7-03 248/192 — jellybean0605 (posted on October 21, 2003)
October 21, 2003
Who's the parent and who are the children here? You don't have to justify
anything to your daughters. I'd lay down the law too and tell them that
your make-up drawer and purse are off-limits...JR (father of a 16-year-old
boy and a 12-year-old girl)
— John Rushton
October 21, 2003
My 19 year old son told me the other night that he couldn't believe that I
had just spent $20 on Clinique foundadion or in his words "something
to smear on your face". I reminded him quickly that I earned the
money and it was mine to spend as I saw fit. Then I reminded him of the
$56 I had just spent on a football jersey for him. I think our kids are so
used to us not taking pride in our appearance that it takes some getting
used to.
— Patty_Butler
October 21, 2003
I agree with the 1st poster as far as who is the parent and who is the
child here. Now, I do not have a teenage daughter but I once was one (I
have a pre-teen son). How much money you spend and what you spend it on is
none of your children's business and the sooner you let them know this the
better off you will be. If I had my child talk to me that way, I am sorry
but I would probably slap them. Your money and what you do with it is your
business and no one elses. So unless the money you are spending is taking
food away from your children you need to tell them to mind their own
business and stay out of yours. You are entitled to wear make-up (whatever
make-up you choose) and whiten your teeth and buy a whole new wardrobe if
you like, it is your life and you can live it however you choose. You need
to take a stand NOW against their irrationional behavior.
— Dawn P.
October 21, 2003
Wow, I don't know how I would react to that. All I can say is that I have
two 16 year old daughters and they are as excited for me to have the
surgery and feel and look better as I am. They have both offered to go
shopping with me when I get to that point and teach me how the younger
crowd lives and dresses. I am just beginning my journey but about every day
they asked if anything new has happened. My natural daughter made the
comment that she can't wait to see the new me as being overweight is the
only way she remembers me. So I guess I am very fortunate to have my girls.
You deserve to look and feel beautiful so ignore them and enjoy the new you
and all your new things.
Linn
— Linn R.
October 21, 2003
Do not let them talk to you that way. I have teenagers and I teach school
and will not allow my children or students to speak to me in such a manner.
That is what is wrong with our society... who is ruling the roost?????
gail -93
— Bama Beach Girl
October 21, 2003
You are WORTH every penny!!! I am 28 years old and a mother myself, and I
was mean to my mom a lot too as a teen. Looking back now, I feel like I
need to apologize to my mom... you know that teens can wear that stuff for
$1 or $2 and that's cool, colors change etc... but you deserve every dime
you spent... just think about how much you sacrifced, and put off for
yourself, so they could have nice things... as long as they have a roof
over their head, food and clothes... they don't understand it now, but they
will... mothers and daughters become closer when daughters become
mothers... this will pass, until then you need to look and feel your
best... as long as your feeling better about yourself and treating yourself
good, that weight will keep coming off... I say keep on keeping on, get
your clothes, make up etc... you're doing this for you!
— MF
October 21, 2003
Sounds like to me they are jealous. They are probably used to you spending
alot of your money on them. Now it is your turn. YOU GO GIRL PAMPER
YOURSELF AND TELL THEM TO DEAL WITH IT THAT YOUR THE MOM AND TO RESPECT YOU
AND BE PROUD FOR YOU! - Tammy (revision to RNY 28 Oct 03)
— blacker24
October 21, 2003
I am still pre-op(Lap RNY 12-8-03) but I worry about how my 15 year old
daughter will react when I begin to lose weight. She is 5'7" and
weighs 195. She wants to be slim and I can see the "green-eyed
monster" coming out when I am on my way, especially once I weigh less
than she does.
I agree that what you do for yourself and what you spend is none of their
business and I have had to put my daughter in her place when she ONCE and
only once complained that I was taking the easy way out and that I should
not even think about spending $$ on a TT or breast lift once I reach goal.
Could your girls be insecure about their own appearence? Maybe this is
their way, however wrong, of expressing their self-image issues.
Keep up the good work, Audra. And remember that YOU ARE WORTH EVERY BIT OF
TIME AND OR MONEY THAT YOU SPEND TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF~Kimberly
— Kim2bthin
October 21, 2003
I agree with John. When your daughters are earning the money that supports
you, then they have a say in how you spend it. Until then, it is not a
subject open for discussion. You are entitled to your privacy, and they
should not be allowed to go through any of your things (make up case,
purse, drawers, ANYTHING). I would tell them that their disrespectful
attitude is out of line, and must stop now. Enforce rules of respect and
privacy in your own home.
— Vespa R.
October 21, 2003
You shouldn't even think twice about spending money on yourself (unless of
course they are supporting you). I'm sure there were many times that
you've gone "without" so they could "have". Don't give
it another thought ... you deserve it ... and if they can't understand
that, they are brats and should show a little respect.
— Karyn B
October 21, 2003
I have lots of ideas here...I have 2 daughters, ages 14, 17 and 21 and a
son who is 12. Overall, they have been so incredibly proud of me! My 14
year old keeps trying to pick me up, many times in front of her friends. My
two teen girls are both slender, but was is ironic is that I have heard
them say things like "Man you only weigh like 20 or 30 pounds more
than me now"...not in a mean spirited way, but in an incredulous way.
I think the make-up thing has more to do with you buying things THEY want,
than it does with the weight loss. Do they have any weight issues? My girls
do "share" my make-up when they can't find theirs, but they can
be stingy with my if I want to use theirs :)
I do not think it is appropriate for them to be looking at receipts and
that you do continue to let them know that you are changing, and will
continue to do so, and that there will be differences in how you feel, act
and shop and dress! With teens we never know what it was that brought on a
"hissy" fit...they may have had a bad day..someone was rude to
them, who knows? Good luck to you in your journey and I am sure they will
be proud of the new you!
— Molly S.
October 21, 2003
I agree with all the other posters, but I wanted to chim in and suggest
that as a ending comment (after you put them in their place), I would tell
your daughters that YES, Wet and Wild costs .99 cents, but it is also
garbage make-up, same with the JUNK Jane puts in their cover-up. The
difference between people who use cheap make-up and the kind that buy
quality are one group is made up of little girls who have barely outgrown
the pasty pinks and glosses of Tinkerbell and REAL women who know the
difference and know how to take care of themselves. Don't take that crap
and when your girls are suffering from crows feet and premature wrinkling,
they will understand the benefit of knowing good cosmetics. YOU GO GIRL!!
— Erinn D.
October 21, 2003
Tell those girls to seek gainful employment then THEY can buy the good
stuff. I'm reminded of the scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates
is newly empowered and is looking for a spot in the Piggly Wiggly parking
lot...she finds the spot she wants and 2 sassy teen girls zoom around her
and take her space. They say to her "Face it, lady..we're younger and
faster!' She proceeds to ram their car repeatedly and when they come
running back, shocked, she says "Face it girls..I'm older and have
more insurance!" Lock your makeup drawer. They'll get the hint.
— kathy B.
October 21, 2003
Audra, I'm so very sorry to hear that your children are being so
disrespectful and discourteous. I raised 3 children by myself and never had
to deal with that. But then again, my kids would have been picking
themselves up off the floor if they ever talked that way to me. (Yes, I
believe in corporal punishment during early childhood.) I started when they
were very young instilling respect and, yes, a healthy fear of the
consequences of disrespect and willful disobedience. By the time they were
teenagers, those values were instilled and they only needed gentle
reminders when they began to get off track. Today, my kids are all grown -
youngest one is 18, and they are all very loving and respectful toward me
and each other. <p>Now having said all that, I would like to say it
is not too late for you to instill that respect in your own children.
Explain to them that you will not tolerate any more blatant disrespect and
nosing around in your personal effects. You treat them with respect, so
they will in return be required to do the same. Then if they choose to
break your new rules, you must be firm enough to make them pay the
consequences. Just be prepared to follow through...and make sure the
consequences are appropriate for teenagers. Corporal discipline at this age
is inappropriate. More appropriate discipline would be withholding
priveleges, short groundings from everything important to them, such as
computer time, phone, friends, etc. Extra chores such as washing windows
inside and out. If you need more ideas, please contact the nearest
"Tough Love" group in your area or check out the internet for
"Tough Love" support. <p>You'll get through this. I think
your response to your girls that you would expect them to be happy for you
will probably make them feel ashamed if they are good and decent and girls,
and I believe they are. They are just young and self-centered. That will
change with your help and also with time and a few hard knocks. God bless.
— artistmama
October 21, 2003
Audra, I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your kids.
Do you think they are confused about the changes you are making in your
life and feeling maybe a little like their are losing their mom? Their old
mom may have not worn make-up or spent money on herself, the new mom does.
It may just be a cry for more attention for them right now. I think you
need to set some guidelines down tho like no going thru your things
especially your purse. Maybe sitting down and really talking to them
explaining that you are changing and feeling good about yourself, but even
with all of these changes you are still their mom. Good luck.
— [Deactivated Member]
October 21, 2003
Audra- I am sorry- I have teenage girls (2), all I can really say is WHO
MAKES THE MONEY? When I am questionsed about anything, I alwsy say
"When yu get a job nd pay the mortgage here,THEN you can decide what
to buy", until then I AM THE BOSS!
Before surgery they told me they would hate me when I was smaller than
them, at about 7 mo po I did that, they said "we officially hate
you", but it was with love. They totally support me. It sounds like
they are jealous of you, most likely you did not spend alot on yourself in
the past, rather buying things for them, they will get over it!
— ~~Stacie~~
October 21, 2003
Aloha! Sounds to me like your daughters are the selfish ones! I have a
feeling that before surgery, you paid very little attention to your own
needs and put your family's needs in front of yours ALL THE TIME. (Most of
us do that by the way!). I can totally relate because even though I took
tremendous pride in my appearance before surgery, there are little things I
do for myself now that I didn't really take the time to do before. I get a
weekly massage. I now have pedicures (because I can finally wear cute
sandals and want my toes to look nice!), and I go to the gym daily. My
family is very supportive but there are times when my husband teases me
about being "high maintenance" now. Well YEAH!! SO WHAT?? lol We
have worked VERY hard to get to where we are now... so don't allow others
to make you feel guilty for FINALLY putting yourself first. If they can't
deal with it, tell them GET A DAMNED JOB! lol You work hard and you deserve
to pamper yourself now and then. If it is not taking money out of their
mouths or away from the family, then go for it. You deserve it! Congrats on
your success so far! Hugs, Kathie in Hawaii (Open RNY 08/07/02...Down 167
pounds!)
— KathieInHawaii
October 21, 2003
sounds like they have taken way too much power away from you. put your foot
down and let them know who is boss. it is none of their bussiness what you
spend YOUR money on. by trying to defend or explain yourself you are making
them feel they have a right to comment on what you do. show them you are
not only getting a stronger more healthy body, but a stronger view of your
selfworth. be firm.....remember your the mom.
— franbvan
October 21, 2003
Woe! Sounds like this has nothing to do with bypass and everything to do
with manners and breeding. Your girls need a swift kick in the pants.
Tell them as long as they are living under your roof, they can treat you
with respect and when they start contributing to the family funds, they can
have a say in where they go.
My mother would have backhanded me on the mouth the FIRST time I did any of
that stuff. who is the parent???? I know you probably don't want to face
reshifting the power in the house because it will be more struggle but I'm
thinking about Dr. Phil and what he would say..."how's that working
for you" too late now but I would not confess to them that you have
felt old, fat and ugly. You are the parent! How long will it last? As
long as you let it!. These girls are selfish - clearly, they want all YOUR
money to be spent on them.
— Donya P.
October 21, 2003
Lock up your make-up, believe they will be in it.
— Connie M.
October 21, 2003
Audra,
I'm not going to attack your parenting or your daughters. You yourself
said that they never spoke to you this was till very recently. I'm sure the
others on this site have given you plenty of insight on how to deal with
this. I just wanted to add my two cents. We begged my mom to have this
surgery. She was morbidly obese, had hypertension, diabetes, couldn't do
much, and eventually got endometrial/uterine cancer. Her oncologist, one of
the best in Florida, told us this type of cancer is very rampant in the
obese b/c the fat cells store estrogen and overload of estrogen is a huge
factor in uterine cancer. He also told us this was what was making her
cancer so resistant to treatment. She died after 10 months. Let your
daughters read this. My mom was young, in her mid-forties. I'm young, only
22. How silly is $425 worth of teeth bleaching and makeup when you can
still reach out and hug your mom, girls? She's done this to better her
health, to stay in YOUR lives for as long as possible. I wouldn't knock her
while you have her. I would take back every mean thing I ever said to my
mom if it were possible. You have that chance now. Take it, move on, and if
you ask really nicely, she may let you borrow some of that makeup.
— jenn_jenn
October 21, 2003
I had to respond to your question. I have a 20 year old daughter. I am
sure something is causing them to treat you this way now. You said they
don't normally talk to you this way. If they have weight issues they may
be taking their issues out on you. The most logical answer is they are
teenagers, trying to push their limits to see how far they can go. I made
my daughter part of my new life. She goes shopping with me. She tells me
if some clothes I am looking at is "old lady" clothes or okay.
She walks with me to make sure I get my exercise in. What your kids are
doing is wrong, but maybe they just want to be included. Everyone has a
problem with change, give them sometime, but be firm. In Oprah's words
"they will only treat you the way you allow them to". I hope
this helps. You can email me anytime.
— june22
October 21, 2003
Audra, I was a little sh** to my mom whenever I got the feeling she was
paying attention to someone or something else and not me. I felt
threatened by that. I can imagine your girls are scared of the changes
that are happening and lashing out at you is their way of dealing with
their anxiety. Forget about all these people judging you and your family!
Try reassuring the girls that you are still the same person inside and your
feelings for them haven't changed although you are now taking time for
yourself. Make them understand all of the above can still "fit"
into your schedule!
— Kim B
October 21, 2003
Hi Audra- Not that this makes your daughters' behaviors acceptable, but
have they observed someone treating you in such a disrespectful manner?
Somehow, they got the message that it's okay to treat mom like garbage to
the point that it hurts you. In my childhood, my father was constantly
putting down my mother about everything. Naturally she divorced him. When
I became a teenager, I started with a few nasty comments to her, and my mom
let me know in no uncertain terms that those days were over!!!! As time
went on, I (and she) learned to say it with love, and we could even laugh
at eachother's clothes, habits, etc. good-naturedly. Since you said your
$$$ situation seems to be ok, maybe there could be some ways to include
your daughters in your newfound pleasures? Have a MaryKay consultant (or
other?) to your home for a makeover for all of you??? Have everyone pick
some pretty nail polishes and paint eachother's finger and toenails??? Tell
them instead of being critical toward you, you'd like to hear their
feedback about clothes, makeup, hairstyles, etc. as to what they think
would look good on you. But as far as you justifying to them what you buy
(makeup or otherwise), that's BS and I would tell them it stops NOW. My
mother died of cancer when I was 20 years old, and when you put things in
perspective, bleached teeth and L'Oreal eyeliner are non-issues. Good Luck
on your weight loss so far! Mea :o)
— Mea A.
October 21, 2003
I feel that what you spend on makeup is your own personal business and not
your kids and as a parent you do not need to "justify" yourself
or what you buy or spend or even explain it. One of my kids was commenting
on what I spent on something and I simply told him it is none of his
business, my finances are my private business, not his. teen age girls can
be soooo awful and mean. I wish you luck. by the way, I buy my cosmetics
ar Mario Triccocci and would hate your daughter to see my bill :-) I
decided I was worth it. My husband may groan a little when he sees the
bill, but he is paying some of it. but He is proud I look pretty too.
— **willow**
October 21, 2003
Ditto for what many of the other posters have said. You are the mom, and
parents are the ones who support the household. I am fairly sure that the
money you are spending is not impacting on what you are/were spending on
your kids. My son (11) once started the habit of looking at price tags of
items I was purchasing and commenting, and I said to him, "but the
sports jerseys and the Playstation 2 games are ok to spend $$ on??"
And as the others have said, it's just none of their $%^&*@@!##!@!@##
business. When I was a kid one of the biggest no - no's was not to ever put
my hands in my mother's bag. They are probably used to being the focus of
your attention and now they see you are paying attention to yourself as
well. I am sure it will all work out eventually even if you have to assert
yourself a little for awhile. Best of luck!!
— Fixnmyself
October 21, 2003
I just want to agree with eveyone else. You're the mommie they are the
daughters. But my first reaction was to tell the girls to shut the h*ll up!
(yes I am feeling a little sassy myself)
— Mona R.
October 21, 2003
Its not just WLS related. A buddies daughter age 14 is acting out, and
finally tried shoving her mom down the steps intentionally. Kids today have
so much and dont appreciate it. You should get some professional advice.
Our surgeon has a psych doc that approves all of us. He attends support
group meetings too and says the physical effects of WLS are way less than
the mental emotional and realtionship changes. you can ask our psych doc
about this here, during the next
meeting<P>http://www.upmc.edu/obesitysurgery/monthlySupportGroup.htm
— bob-haller
October 21, 2003
I shouldn't even be trying to answer this, since I don't have kids myself.
I'm only 23. I was also taught from a young age to be respectful to
adults. However I have my theory that they may be scared that with the
makeup and the new looks that you may change or introduce them to a life
change they aren't expecting. I know after my father died in my teens and
my mom changed her looks, including losing weight, I was afraid she would
run off or change, and I was also embarresed that I weighed more then her,
so I would mouth off at her or do something she didn't approve of so she'd
pay attention to me and get her attention away from dating again. Of
course my mother put her foot down to that right away and I learned my mom
wasn't going to change, in fact we got closer, but I just needed to see how
silly I was acting and that my mother wasn't going to run off and not
remember me. Sorry, as I said I have no kids and am pretty much a teen
myself, this topic is just very interesting to me.
— Meg F.
October 21, 2003
Hi Audra,
I think so many emotions and dynamics go into all of our family and friends
reactions to our WSL. My son is 30. For the first time in his life, I
weight less than he does! I know he is proud of me, but he often asks me
if I don't think I've lost enough (I weight 226 now..not exactly skinny!)
He's used to seeing me much larger, and he's not too sure of the
"right" of this.<br>
My Mom was always smallish but has gained a great deal of weight over the
past few years. She was giving me clothing, but now her clothes are too
large for me. I was always "the fat one"---that was my job, my
role in the family. Once in a while I will see a bit of the green-eyed
monster rearing it's head when we talk. I know she loves me, but I have
changed the old rules on her, and she's having to learn how to react to
that. <br>
I'm not much for giving advice, and especially in the child-rearing area,
but (always the "but" to contradict ourselves, right?) what I
would do is lovingly set some boundaries and give them some time to adjust
to the changes. I think change is a scary thing for adults, too, and we
have better skills to handle it. Let them know that this change in their
behavior is not acceptable...none of us need to be door-mats or whipping
boys for anyone. But, this change does not mean that they no longer love
you, that you are a "bad" parent, or that they are
"bad" children.
LOL...I think that, even today, at my age, if I saw my mother put on any
make-up other than her "tasteful" lipstick, it would give
<b> ME </b> cause for alarm!!!
— Linda S.
October 21, 2003
Wow, I don't have kids, but was interested in your question and all the
responses...I am surprised that nobody asked: Are your kids obese?
Perhaps their attitudes are stemming from jealousy? Good luck to you : )
— rebeccamayhew
October 21, 2003
You don't have to justify anything to your children. You're the parent!
I'd tell them to be quiet until they are bringing in money for the support
of the house. Or better still, ask them should they start paying for the
things you buy for them or pay rent? That'll shut them up.
— Cathy S.
October 21, 2003
I am sorry your daughters are acting that way towards you. I am having my
surgery on Friday...just a few short days away! I have a teenage daughter
who has been nothing but supportive and excited for the decisions I have
made for myself. If fact, she laughingly asked me if I would be
"borrowing" her jeans. I laughingly told her probably not since
she is a size 0....LOL Hopefully, they will come around and become a source
of support for you and share in your excitemment and joy. It may take them
some time to get used to their "new" mom...good luck!
— Deb S.
October 21, 2003
Audra, while my teenage daughters have been fairly supportive of my weight
loss surgery (and now plastic surgery), I went through something similar
with them not long after my divorce. I wear very little makeup - usually
just mascara, blush and lipstick. I buy my lipstick and mascara at the
Lancome counter in Macy's and it's not cheap. One time they were with me
when I bought some, and they started carrying on about how expensive it
was. I told them right there and then "I work hard for my money and
if I want to treat myself to something, that's my business and not
yours". I think because of the divorce and the change in our
lifestyle, they were feeling threatened by yet another change (pre-divorce,
I only used the cheap stuff) and acted out on their fears. Teenagers are
going through so many changes in their own lives and bodies, they need the
stability of everything else around them staying the same. When it
doesn't, they get scared and act out. I think it was good that you told
them why you're treating yourself to some new things so they can understand
and hopefully will become empathetic. Give them some time to see that not
all change is bad. Also, if you're divorced, they might be fearing that
you're going to start dating now that you're losing weight and taking
better care of yourself - and teenagers have a lot of issues with their
parents dating. If you're married, maybe they're fearing a divorce is in
the horizon. Just remember, it's a teenager's job to be selfish and
self-centered, and it's our job, as their parents, to not take it
personally.
— Cyndie K.
October 21, 2003
Hi Audra. Your situation isn't about the makeup or the money. You said that
for all of these years you've felt worthless. This is a huge change for
your girls to be making yourself a priority. It sounds like you could use
some family counseling. Have you asked them why they feel you shouldn't
spend the money on yourself and why they feel it's any of their business?
This might help you dig to the deeper issue. Also, why do they feel they
can invade your privacy by going into your purse and drawers? Good luck to
you.
— Yolanda J.
October 21, 2003
OH MY GOD! I would have beat both of their butts for disrespecting you that
way. Like the other poster said, YOU ARE THE PARENT. YOU MAKE THE MONEY.
When THEY get a job then THEY can spend their money on what THEY WANT. They
are probably just insecure about the changes going on and don't know how to
handle it. Maybe counseling or just straight up discipline. Are they
chubby? Maybe they are jealous. I know that my daughter and I have talked
alot about what will be happening after my surgery on the 29th. We've
already changed some habits in my household so not to make it as stressful
on her. But she is chunky too and kinda looking forward to slimming down
with me because of the eating changes that will take place. Have you asked
them? Maybe make a girls day out and treat all of you to a manicure. Or
better yet, when shoppin for yourself, go by yourself without the girls.
— Lisa E.
October 21, 2003
My daughter went through a similar faze after my surgery. However she knew
better than to address such an issue with me in those terms. She talked to
her friend and it finally got back to me and I talked to her about it. I
told her about this post and here is her 2 cents. They feel jealous and
they feel threatened that mom may be more attractive than them in the long
run. They have never had to think of mom and attractive, just mom. They
also fear of losing the "mom" that they are used to having....one
that is always there for THEM and not out doing something fun or for
herself. My daughter says to be firm (like her mom:)))...and keep doing
this for you....they will come around and they will grow up to face the
issues you have and hopfully become better adults.
— Oldsoul
October 21, 2003
If my children spoke like that to me, they wouldn't spend any time outside
of their rooms! It's none of their business what you buy or how much you
spend. You're the parent. You can tell that that what is appropriate for
them as teenagers may not be appropriate for you as an adult. Buying
"children's" cosmetics is a good example.
— Laura B.
October 22, 2003
As some of the other posters suggested, this may not be about WLS at all. I
went through a similar situation with my (then) 13 yo daughter (the second
of 5 total...she's now 19 and just as selfish, unfortunately) when I was
divorced. I was feeling "free" and wanted to find the me that had
been buried under a lot of marital problems so I started going out with
friends from time to time just to have some time for myself. Remember, this
was WAY before my WLS. Well, the first time I did that you'd have thought
the world was coming to an end! I was going to a Saturday matinee with my
best friend and I tell you I never heard so much bawling and whining in my
life! "You're really going to just leave us here and not take us with
you?!" "Go ahead and go...we'll be fine here all by ourselves
(sniff)" "What if somehting happens to us while you're
gone??" Kids that age are just naturally self-centered and think the
whole world revolves around them and when they find out it doesn't, things
can get a little wild. Under the pressure, it's very easy to start second
guessing yourself and start feeling guilty for spending time/money on
yourself when before now all you have done is cater to others. They are
used to that and you are upsetting their "idea" of what and who
you should be for THEM.
<br>
If your daughters have not spoken this way to you in the past, then I think
your explaining your thoughts on this subject was a good thing. They should
be very clear on how you feel and what your intentions are. However, I
would not explain this to them every time you buy something for yourself or
indulge in any way. If you did, the roles would reverse and they would
start feeling like you OWED them an explaination (take it from me..I've
been there). Now that you have spoken your peace, I'd lay the law down if
it happens again and let them know that while you love them, you cannot
tolerate disrespectfulness such as this. (you've gotten enough suggestions
here on doing that)
<br>
Hope this has helped. Good luck, and if you need to vent feel free to email
me :)
— Jeralyn Merideth
October 22, 2003
We know that it's not personal, the comments that our offsprings make about
what we are finnally doing for ourselfs, but it hurts.
One morning I was getting ready for work, when I walked into the kitchen
where my teenage daughter was eating her breakfast. I pulled up my shirt
and said " look at this" she proceeded to say " You gotta
show me everyday how big your clothes are getting"?
I don't know if I have ever had something hurt so much,as that did the
morning she said that to me.
Ever time I look at buying something new for myself, I get the same feed
back, you know you can't wear that,it's to small, it's to young for you.
Mom, what are you trying to be???
— Belinda B.
October 22, 2003
my heart goes out to ya - my problem isn't teenagers - it's my widowed
mother that lives with me. i'm only down 40 pounds - but it's in 4 weeks,
and i get neck shots from her all the time. i finally told her i didn't
need the neck shots and that she was still a beautiful woman and just let
me lose the weight i need to lose to get healthier. it's been these last
few weeks when i've wished like i've never wished that i didn't have to
support her because i could go somewhere else! good luck. just don't let
the kids get away with it. you have to enforce respect - even if it's just
gently - stand up for YOU. YOU matter! good luck. diana.
— Diana D.
October 22, 2003
Original poster here. I want to thank you all so much for the wonderful
responses! (And for all the nice comments that helped pick me up off the
ground where they left me!) A few comments/answers: No, neither of the
girls are chubby--they are both tall, thin & beautiful. As I said,
they usually aren't disrespectful to me (or anyone); that's why I was taken
by such suprise. Also, they haven't seen anyone treat me this way, and
there is no fear of divorce. I was thinking there was probably more of an
issue here than make-up or money--thank you again for the thought provoking
responses! :)
— jellybean0605
October 22, 2003
To me, respect is not about earning money. What about poor people? What
about the marriage partner who is not the breadwinner? Do they not deserve
respect? In fact, what about children? Everyone deserves respect and to be
treated well. It's about being human, about treating each other with
kindness, living the Golden Rule. If we teach our kids to follow that, they
will grow into people who respect others, themselves, and the planet. I
think asking your daughters to feel happy for you is the right approach.
That's how they learn what it means to be in the other person's shoes,
whether it is their parent or a complete stranger. It will also help them
learn why they should not poke through your things--although that is
unacceptable, whether they understand why or not! Good luck...teenagers are
hard, but they do grow up eventually!
— Chris T.
October 23, 2003
Hi Audra-
I am awaiting a surgery date, so it will be soon. I have had the same
problem with my 2 teen-agers, and still hear them muttering things under
their breath whenever I do something for myself. I made it clear to them
that this is MY money and I am allowed to spend it as I choose as long as
their needs are met. Of course, they still disagree with me- they just are
not allowed to tell me so anymore. So far they have been supportinve about
the up-coming surgery, but I do have some fears for afterward and what
their reactions will be as I lose weight because they have always had a mom
who was overweight and not able to do as much as I plan to do once I begin
feeling better. My body will finally be as active as my mind and if they
don't like it, I believe their father has a room for them at his home. I
know how frustrating teen-agers can be, especially when they are so blindly
selfish and beligerant. Just stick to your plan, keep treaing yourself
well, and tell your girls that if they have a problem with not being able
to spend money as they would like, they shoulf get a job. I told my
daughter the same thing and she has been working for 2 months now. Good
luck!
— Mariposa
October 23, 2003
Look beyond the money, and try to see if there is anything else that could
be upsetting the girls, are you spending less time with them? Maybe they
are having a hard time adjusting to the new you. And the bickering about
the money you are spending on yourself is probably just a manifestation of
that fear. Talk to them about it.
Also, I wouldn't tolerate them talking to you like that, if and when they
do, send them to their room, or some other sort of punishment, if they have
consequences for being rude, they will most likely stop.
— Patricia T.
October 28, 2003
Audra, OMG, there are so many responses to this I don't have time to read
them all so I will just offer mine. I am sorry to hear that you are having
a hard time with your daughters. I howevwer would not allow them to get
away with disrespect for you and your privacy. I went through something
similar wtih my daughter. It had to do with the fact that I was quickly
aproaching her size. She was sixteen at the time. She never said a word
to me until the day I put on a pair of pants the same size as hers. She
jumped down my throat. I just let it rest until the next day, then I
pretty much let her know that i deserve this and I wasn't going to
apologize for it not once. Not after what I have lived through for the
last seventeen years. After a huge fight a lot of yelling,and alot of
tears we worked it out. I actually let her yell back during this heavy
discussion. I think what sets them off is the fact that they are so used to
Mom doing for everyone else and not herself. They don't know how to handle
that. Just be patient and they will come around, mine did and now we share
clothes all the time and shop together. Hope yours works out too.. Hugs and
smiles..
Myra jo
— MnShadows
December 22, 2008
I have had similar experiences with my daughter. Now that I have reached
my goal and maintained for a couple of years, my daughter filled me on the
"WHY's" of the situation. She was embarassed for herself that I
could borrow her belt (pants, blouse, dress etc) because that meant that
she was as fat as her fat mom. She was embarassed that her mom was thin
enough to fit in her things... thin enough to consider new clothes, looking
good enough to want to buy makeup, looking and feeling good enough to
begin dating etc. It was an attempt to make herself feel better because
she was beginning to have her own concerns about her body image. She's
always been the thinner one, the cuter one, the younger one... and now
people mistake us for sisters. They also think my son and I are dating, or
that his children are mine. Sometimes it helps to consider that they don't
mean to be unsupportive. They are just confused now where their mom will
fit in the social hierarchy they've always been comfortable with.
— Docey
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