Question:
Wife getting toasted nightly
I am getting very concerned, my wife is now drinking a glass of wine nightly, and getting toasted. Kinda a mini drunk. Were both post ops and I am afraid if this gets worse it could effect our marriage. She started with a occasional glass but its now a nightly thing.<P> What on earth should I do? — Sam J. (posted on July 26, 2003)
July 26, 2003
Sam, I remember not too long ago your posting your concern about your
wife's failure to exercise and lose weight and wasting money on gyms she
didn't attend. It really sounds like she is self-sabatoging and frankly,
there is nothing that YOU can do to help her! I'd highly suggest
counceling for you though, as with all this going on, you really sound like
you need someone to talk to. Best of luck to YOU!
— [Deactivated Member]
July 26, 2003
Ok, maybe this sounds harsh but could YOU be your wife's problem?? You've
said yourself that you've done better than her and you try to
"help" her all the time in doing what is right. I'm looking at
this after reading another post on unsolicated advise and wondering if
maybe you're driving her nuts. I can't imagine living with someone who has
not only done better than me at something but is always "helping"
me by trying to control everything I do from what I eat to exercise to
having a drink and I'm sure much more. If you're being controlling she
could be rebelling. Truthfully it sounds like you BOTH need counceling.
She's an individual, not a child. To me it sounds like in your attempt to
help your wife that you're taking on a role that shouldn't be played by
one's equal and loving mate. You're making yourself the police in her
life, scrutinizing her choices and decisions. Those choices are HERS to
make. Thats the first thing you'll learn in counceling. You need to
control the things you can about yourself and in your life and leave those
things that belong to others. My 2c & NSHO.
— Shelly S.
July 26, 2003
Nothing, you shouldn't do a thing, at least as related to WLS. Alcohol...
or the abuse of it, if that's what this is, is a different issue. Your
wife might be trading one addiction for another.. some of us do that,
luckily I've traded my food addictions for the gym -- I pretend obsessing
about the gym is healthier.. *grin* <b>Seriously</b> though.. I
think you might consider some counseling.. and realize that YOU can't make
her do a thing. You have to live your life.. and if you love her.. do what
you can.. but this is an alcohol issue -- not a WLS issue.
— Lisa C.
July 26, 2003
She says drinking wine is healthy. I love her very much, but between not
exercising at all, avoiding walking by searching for parking spots closest
to stores, doing very little housework which is excellent exercise in
itself, well I fear she is going to regain big time. Not even 2 years out
she admits to gaining "a few pounds" Pre op she was so ill she
couldnt work. Let alone the occasional glass of wine is becoming a nightly
thing. I guess I will need counseling for myself she denies there are any
problems. At her present weight she would still qualify for surgery. Her
BMI was over 60 pre op. I love her so much.
— Sam J.
July 26, 2003
1 glass of wine per night is not a large issue in my opinion. I would say
that that is moderation. It may be better for ones health to have a glass a
night than not. Is this a control issue with you? If it is concern then
what has been your answers in your open and frank dicussions? Perhaps
therapy is a good road to take for the BOTH of you. I am not trying to bust
your cookies. If this is a problem then you need to analyze it and correct.
Good Lux
— Robert L.
July 26, 2003
Well it started with a occasional glass of wine and quickly became one a
night. If it stops there thats fine but I think she had one the other
morning, and acted toasted. I asked she didnt deny it. I fear she has found
a replacement for her food addiction. Heres a old discussion of how our
home functions. Its only a bit better. OCCASIONALLY she might pick up a
area, and wipe off the sink. The rest of the housework is mine. Along with
all the stuff and that generally considered a guys job. I dont mind doing
my fair share. I avoid taking on ANY new jobs. If its hers and she doesnt
do it I ignore it because if I do it once she never will do it
again.<P>http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/question.phtml?N=n1028347450&Search_Word=housework<P>
I heard a post op tell a story of what drinking did to her. It was truly
horrid. I dont want to see my wife end up that way. Its not like that now
but the trend has me worried.
— Sam J.
July 26, 2003
It has generally been my experience that when the spouse suspects a
problem, there is a problem. Remember not all drinking is visible. My
dear relative, used to go into the kitchen for a refill on her coffee, but
poured in the gin when no one was looking.
However, eating, drinking, drug abuse etc., there is nothing anyone can do
about it. It is up to the person. No talking, loving, hating can help.
You must step back and let the person reach their bottom. We can only take
care of ourselves.
— faybay
July 26, 2003
Hi Sam, from what you have written here and in your past posts about your
wife, it is plain as day to me that SOMETHING IS BOTHERING HER. This is not
about housework or getting wasted on wine. Something deeper is going on
inside of her. You need to look at her as a person with issues about
herself, her ability to function as a 'normal' sized person, take care of
HER responsibilities and the fact that she wants to 'zone out' with wine.
Sounds like she doesn't like herself or her life right now and is suffering
from major depression. How has she done with her eating issues since her
wls? Does she take care of her own self-hygene, grooming, clothing? You
need to continue to do the housework so that YOU can live in the house. Try
to talk to her and draw it out of her why she is not feeling happier now
that her weight is dropping. Show her these replies when she has not been
drinking and maybe it will start a discussion. The best 'discussions' I
have with my husband usually start as an argument and out of the raised
voices comes all of the crap and resentments onto the table. Then we start
sorting things out because we want to be happy and close in our marriage
and respectful towards each other. Remember, you can't fix her and should
not be trying to do this. She needs to talk to a counsellor or
psychologist. Good luck to you. Stay with it, don't give up on her. God
Bless.
— mary ann T.
July 27, 2003
First, I think Shelley has a point that you are part of the problem. Read
question #11, "Is anybody else sick of unsolicited help and helpful
people?" Second, part of the problem is the housework issue, which is
hardly unique to your family! I'm single and very bad at housework and the
state of the house was really getting me down. Trying to do it myself was
just too overwhelming and I felt like a failure. I finally gave myself the
gift of a housecleaner and it's made a world of difference in how I feel!
So I think you should scrape the money together and get someone in...then
you might be able to stay on top of things. And try to avoid categorizing
things as "women's" or "men's" work; I'd much rather
mow the lawn than sweep the floors, and if a man were trying to force me to
"do my duty" I'd rebel!! Third, I agree that your wife has
problems...and therefore you do too. Counseling is important! You may have
to go alone; if so, do. She might need treatment for depression, but part
of severe depression is the inability to seek help. It's a very vicious
cycle. Sigh. Good luck to you both.
— Chris T.
July 27, 2003
Sam - I think many of the other posters are right -- counseling is in
order, but it will have to start with you for yourself. From what you have
written it sounds like there are a lot of control issues going on, i.e.,
you trying to control things and your wife not going along with it. Maybe
she is changing now, with her weight loss, and those changes are affecting
the way she sees her world and the way she responds to it. The daily glass
of wine seems to be something you can't control (and that could be part of
its attraction for her), but it is not necessarily the beginning of a slide
into alcoholism. I do hope you seek counseling. Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
July 27, 2003
I'd like to point out that MANY morbidly obese people have trouble and
often avoid physical things like cleaning house and exercising. Regardless
of her being a post-op if she's still morbidly obese she still has the same
issues that all of us face (or at least faced at one time). Sometimes when
we try people still don't recognize it. The way you refer to what she
does, its sounds like you don't think highly of even the little bit that
she does do. When we get that response of "well thats nice but how
about THE REST" its like, "why bother?".
— Shelly S.
July 27, 2003
Hi Sam...you can express to your wife that you don't think the drinking is
a good idea. You can offer support as far as HELPING her get help...IF she
wants it. But your support/help has to stop there. You are stressed
yourself, and you need to take care of you. ESPECIALLY if your wife does
not want to enter counseling with you, you must go on your own. I have
learned (through years of practice with my pothead ex-husband, and a former
drug-addicted boyfriend who is now deceased) that you can't control
anyone's life but your own...and you're nuts to try to. It just doesn't
work that way with people.
<P>
I will remember you in my daily prayers. Please continue to let us know how
you and she are doing. Hugs, Joy
— [Deactivated Member]
July 27, 2003
Sam~ I second Donna's post whole heartedly~ I too have seen your past
posts, thinking I know who you. I think the problems you and your spouse
are having will be compunded by the stress of WLS, maintaining a solid
relationship is difficult, add in 2 post op people..and all the emotional
baggage that that carries- self esteem issues, perhaps she is not as
pleased with her success as you are, and you see that she could work harder
at being succesful, cuases resentment, that results in the lack of sexual
desire, the drinking to get away from the sadness of reality- GO TO
COUNSELING- put your AMOS duties on hold and work on your marriage, if it
is important to you. We can give advice but the only people that can make
the difference are the TWO of YOU- good luck
— ~~Stacie~~
July 27, 2003
I come from a houshold any family where a drink every night after dinner
was commoplace .... I am not sure there is really an issue ...unles she
starts not getting up, not going to work, or ending on the bathroom floor
in the morning....Just a thought...but you know your wife I guess...
— E. V.
July 27, 2003
A friend E mailed me asking if I was this poster. Its not me and Jen. She
has at most a couple drinks a year. . Although admittely we did have some
no sex troubles as a result of her being on prozac. She told our entire
support group about that. I wasnnt in the room at the time and coming back
in was shocked at the comments! We want to have a baby.<P> As I
posted before I am very busy these days and dont answer as many Q&As
as I used to. I try to still approve them fast though. Busy fixing up a
house to sell, running my business, it all takes time. At 2 years out its
in short supply.:( <P> My heart goes out to Sam and I hope they get
the counseling, looks like he loves his spouse a lot. So many questions we
never hear how they turn out. I hope he updates us with the progress.
— bob-haller
July 28, 2003
Sam,
I have a friend, that is younger that is post op about 9 months, how-ever
she's the same way, how-ever it's not just wine that she's consuming, I
have no idea how to appraoch her, other then to tell her of the possible
liver damage she is doing, Show concern, and most of all show love. ( I
have a neighbor that actually died from liver damage) I watched him die,
and that was enough for me, I drink maybe 2 times out of the whole year and
limit it just to that.....
Many Hugs
— tannedtigress
July 28, 2003
Jeez, Bob! That's too much! Some friend! Hey, Sam- I just wanted to say
that lots of people have 1-2 drinks a day and are not alcholics. If it
bothers you- and starts to affect your marriage you need to tell her all
the reasons why- and hopfully she'll listen and you guys could get some
counseling to get back on track and build a stronger marriage. Talk until
you are blue in the face, it's soooo worth it. If she ignores your pleas,
then it's solo conseling for you, as you cannot change her. I went through
a plastered phase right out of surgery, and it wasn't pretty. Still, that
soon faded as it got old for me too. I have no idea what liver problems I
may have caused. Anyhow- it may not be anything serious- it could be just
an annoying phase, just keep talking to her. FYI- Bob, Prozac also
affected my ability to be sexually aroused, but it also faded with time
(and practice)!
— Karen R.
July 28, 2003
this question hit me like a ton of bricks. because it scares me that my
answer might be right because of my own behavior in the past. maybe your
wife is not handling the weightloss as well as you think. eventhou i know
loosing weight and being a normal size is a good and healthy thing...it
still scares me. some of us MO people have used our body fat as a sheild.
and those of us who do that really don't want to be MO , but when you loose
the pounds your sheild goes away. some of the reasons people do that are
because of things in the past(abuse, cruelty or even having their feelings
hurt). so when that layer of fat is gone you almost feel naked. it could
also be that now that her food and blanket has been taken away she needs
something to fill that void. to numb her and make her feel good. it is so
scarey when you don't know how to deal with these feelings. and sometimes
we don't realize we are tradeing one quick fix for another. good luck and
best wishes
— franbvan
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