Question:
Did your husband act weird??
I am having my surgery in 5 days and I am going to kill my husband before that. He has started picking fights and making stupid comments. He told me when I leave him I have to leave the kids. He made a comment about all my "crap" so I laughingly & lovingly (I thought) told him he was the biggest crap I had. He slept on the couch because he didn't want to get crap in our bed. I don't know if I can take 5 more days of this. At this point I want to go to the hospital alone and get away from him. I keep telling him I am not going to leave him. We have been married over 11 years I think I would have done it before now. — Rebecca K. (posted on May 31, 2003)
May 31, 2003
My husband is just like that too. He honestly believes I'm going to leave
him. You'd think after 3.5 years and 1 child he'd have clued in that I
LOVE HIM! I know you've got a lot on your mind...but try to sit down and
talk to your hubby. Once I managed to find the perfect moment to bring it
up, my hubby was willing to talk it out. Although he is still worried that
I won't like myself after I'm thin (I assured him that I would) and that
he's a little weirded out by guys checking me out (which he assures me they
do even now...so he can't imagine what it would be like when I am thin)...I
told him that it doesn't matter. I'm his. Have a good talk. If you can't
get him to talk, write him a loving letter explaining why you picked him
out of every other guy on earth and why you wouldn't trade him in.
— Renee B.
May 31, 2003
I just wanted to say that my husband is saying the same types of things
even though I am just now gathering all the information for the surgeon to
submit to the insurance company. Every day he says I am gonna leave him,
and at first it was like, oh stop it! But now it is starting to really
bother me. Thank you Rebecca for your wonderful ideas. I think the letter
writing idea is the best, that way he has it to look back on too. Just
wanted to let you both know that someone else out there is in the same
situation. Good luck to you both.
— kariebelser
May 31, 2003
My husband is not afraid of me leaving him, he's afraid I will die. He
wants me to stay as I am, he said he'd rather have me the way I am than in
a box (coffin). I think alot of what they say sometimes comes from their
own fear of the surgery, and what the risks are. We have been married 19
years.
— doodlebug
May 31, 2003
If you read many profiles on this website you will find that after WLS
people either get pregnant or a divorce. Your husband sounds like he has a
lot of insecurities. If you truly love him don't lash out at what he is
saying. You are giving him the reaction he is looking for. Change how you
react to his comments. Everyone knows just because you have been married
for 11 years doesn't mean it will last forever. Look at the statistics. It
can but that is not solid concrete evidence that it will. Be very
reassuring and supportive of his feelings. Talk with him as the other lady
suggested. Listen and repeat back what you hear him saying regarding his
fears. It sounds like he loves you a lot and is telling you this in his
own way. My husband had many fears as well. We talked about it, and it
was well worth the talk. I wasn't so sure he was going to take me to my
surgery at one point. He ended up taking me and even staying at the
hospital every night to be with me and help me. His support has been
incredible. He has been way more supportive than I could have even hoped.
I was at my wits end with him. But, after I decided that these are his
fears, and I should validate him by listening and not lashing out things
changed!!! It is easy to get fed up and say yeah you are "crap."
It wears you down to the point you want to say that but don't. It will
only make things escalate. Put yourself in his shoes. Think about how you
would feel. This surgery is going to change your relationship. Make sure
you have good open communication so the relationship can change gradually
as well.
— Lisa C.
May 31, 2003
you could turn it around on him.... you could say "why do you think i
would leave you when i get to a normal weight...do you think i will be
worth more?a better person? worthy of being loved by other people?"
why do men think we are going to leave them when we get to a normal weight.
unless you are having problems i think it is an insult for someone to say
"well when your not fat anymore you will leave me"....HA! like i
couldn't have left before.(make him realize how crazy it sounds when he
says things like that) i have been married the same amount of time as you.
and my husband started acting weird too. and the truth was he was scared of
the unknown. things like what would happen to us (would things change)or
would i be safe. alot of men don't like to talk about their feels so they
pout and pick fights. if you stop and think really hard about why you think
he is doing this...and don't think about the things he said. i am sure you
will have no problem fixing this before wls. good luck to you.
— franbvan
May 31, 2003
My husband did make a few coments like that too, but he really did not want
me to have the surgery b/c he was scared that I would die or something,
maybe yours feels the same way!?! Now, my husband loves it, he feels like
he has a whole new woman lol. I don't cry everyday and say "I'm so fat
and ugly", everything has changed! He does not treat me any different,
but we get along alot better and the jealousy has surfaced a little but not
too bad.Just sit down with your hubby and really try to explain why you are
doing this for yourself and how you need him, that's what I did and my
hubby has been by my side 100% and he handled everything better than I
thought, I loved seen him taking care of our 3 little ones my first couple
weeks post-op....what kodak moments lol. Good luck on your journey and with
your husband!
— Sandy M.
May 31, 2003
I'm pretty sure it's his nerves. My husband doesn't express himself too
much to me, but other family and friends told me he was pretty nervous
while I was in surgery. I'm just over 3 months out now, and things are
pretty much back to normal. Every once and awhile he'll make comments that
I'm really losing a lot and it shows. His gripe is that my chest is
getting smaller. Oh well, he'll just have to buy me a new one. LOL!!!!
Seriously though, if things were good before the marriage, they'll most
likely withstand the changes. Just think about how anxious you are, and
then you may be able to see how he may be feeling. My husband was
"snappy" too. Good luck!!!
— Fixnmyself
May 31, 2003
Us guys are not the only ones who may be like that..... our WIVES canbe the
same way when the tables are reversed and we are having the surgery.....
maybe more so if the husband lives the more indeppendant lifestyle.
Nevertheless, I agree with everyone who stated that the comments are being
made out of insecurities..... and thats OK. Thats when reassurance and
communication becomes important.
My doctor said (as mentioned below) that quite often one of the things to
be prepared for out of this surgery is that people "split up"
after the overweight spouse completes this journey and finds a new
lifestyle. Its not even due to an attraction to a new person but just the
fact that your new hobbies involve being healthy and active and if the
spouse is still into a sedentary lifestyle that causes problems that swell.
Just stay emotionally in touch thru the journey and you will survive it
together.
— Ted D.
May 31, 2003
My hubby cheated on me while I was losing the weight. Now that I am a size
8 (not to mention pretty darn cute!) he is very scared that some guy is
going to sweep me away...especially since he is inactive and himself
morbidly obese...well, I say, always try to work through the tough stuff in
marriage, even though what my husband did to me was awful...we have managed
to get through it, and evil as it may sound, I am glad that he is
concerned, he treats me a lot better now. However, I would never do
something like that to him, and if I left it would not be because I lost
weight...men still liked me when I was fat too!
— missmollyk
May 31, 2003
YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE WILL GO THROUGH MANY CHANGES, HANG IN THERE. MY WIFE
IS ALSO OBESE BUT CAN'T HAVE THE W.L.S. BECAUSE OF EXISTING HEALTH PROPLEMS
(ADDISON'S) AND SHE WAS VERY SENSITIVE TO EVERYTHING I SAID,, I WAS HURTING
HER AND DIDN'T REALIZE IT.. I WAS SO EXCITED AS MY WEIGHT DROPPED AND IT
MADE HER FEEL BAD,, SHE WAS GLAD FOR ME BUT FELT LEFT OUT.. WHEN I REALIZED
THIS I WATCHED MY COMMENTS, AND NEARLY 2 YEARS OUT FROM AN OPEN R.N.Y. I
STILL DO.. I LOST 240 POUNDS IN 9 MONTHS AND HAVE MAINTAINED BEAUTIFULLY.
EATING EVERYTHING I WANT,,(UNTIL I'M FULL OF COURSE) AND EVEN THOUGH THERE
HAVE BEEN BAD TIMES, I'D DO IT AGAIN IN A HEARTBEAT. JUST REMEMBER YOUR
SPOUSE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT, THIS IS SOMETIMES RESPONED TO BY
HURTFUL COMMENTS.. AFTER A WHILE IT ALL SETTLES OUT..GOOD LUCK..
— bruce M.
May 31, 2003
Hi Rebecca. I am 9-months out from WLS---I've lost 123 lb. Now, I'll tell
you my story concerning my husband. Though I noticed my husband getting
quiet and kinda weird prior to my surgery date----while I was on the
surgery table getting my guts re-ad-justed he left the hospital, got
stinking drunk, drove my truck with our dog in it---rolled the
truck---abandoned the dog and left him and the truck for strangers to help
and went home---packed his bags (while still stinking drunk) went to wait
for a grey-hound bus (with our daughter's 13-inch TV) and got arrested for
drunk-driving and ended up in jail for 2-months. So, for whatever reason,
this surgery can be very threatening because it really does indicate a
major change in all your relationships! Some may say===no way. But my
experience has been---yes, it's changed (my weight loss) all my close
relationships. Though I feel my weight loss a great blessing---and major
learning experience physically, psychologically, socially and even
spiritually----it really is a shock to everyone---including you! My
husband and I are still together (thank God), but I still want more and
need more from our relationship. Though I've told him that (even
threatening that 70 more pounds and I'll be a size 8) I need more from our
relationship----he still doesn't seem to get it? I believe deeply in
maintaining my marriage vows---I'm now realizing that my life involves more
than my marriage. Though it saddens me, maybe by getting involved in
activities that bring me happiness----it may benefit my marriage? I would
suggest, if possible that you two have a real honest-hearted talk about the
feeling surrounding this surgery and the 'new you'. Though your love
doesn't go away, usually becomes even more deeper; He's not understanding
that---and his low self-esteem is being expressed through his negative
comments to you (it's basically how he's really feeling about himself). If
it's not stopped now and dealt with---it really becomes a self-serving
prophecy. If you want to talk more---please write anytime. Sincerely,
Lori Ann Koestler
— sage
May 31, 2003
Rebecca- How did you and your husband get along before the whole WLS issue
came up? I would think that should be a good indicator of what the future
may hold. When I began talking about WLS, my husband made the "you
are going to leave me" comments, too. After reassuring him over and
over, I noticed it didn't change his behavior so I changed mine. He made
the comments a few more times, to which I said "yes, you're
right" and calmly went back to whatever I was doing. After a couple
episodes of this "extinction", he realized he wasn't going to get
the negative attention he was seeking. Then HE brought up WLS in a mature,
caring manner, asking me about the surgery, hospital stay, etc. At this
time, I brought up his "you are going to leave me" comments. I
told him how lucky I was to have someone who loved me at my current weight.
I think he realized how foolish he'd been. Best wishes with your surgery!
Mea
— Mea A.
May 31, 2003
I just wanted to say that...my surgery was scheduled for May 29th...I had
all my pre-op tests done the day before and when my husband called my Dr.
and told him how he REALLY felt about the surgery they called me an hour
later and cancelled my surgery.
— Sheri Gibson
May 31, 2003
My husband was afraid I would die on the table. His former wife and child
died during childbirth, so he had a lot of ghosts to conquer. Now that he
sees me doing better everyday, I think he is less scared. But our
relationship is changing somewhat, I have more energy than I used to, and
he almost can't stand that I want to do more things than him. This is
tending to push us away somewhat. I think we will try some counseling
before we make any decsions as to where we will be in the future, We don't
have any kids together. I do notice him being more clingy and dependent on
me, and his behavior is kind of irritating, but hopefully we can work
through it. He put our marriage and life on hold while he was waiting to
see if I would live or die during the surgery, and I think that was
strange.
— ChatKat15
June 1, 2003
Rebecca,
When I dove into WLS, I didn't have any problems with the man, it wasn't
until I hit my 3 month post op month and was down line 60 pounds, I think
that's when he actually woke up, and so did I. I started feeling better
about myself, I started dressing up, wearing make up, doing my hair, my
nails, feeling truly good about myself Now at 12 months post op and down
133 pounds, I have so much energy it's hard to keep up with me, I can't
stay put, and too me that's a good thing.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 10 years.
I've noticed the jealousy, the clingines, the gaurd on me and too be
honest at times I don't mind it, at times..... I too find myself at times,
wanting more out of a relationship, ... I think that when we're MO, we put
150% into our relationships, while they only put in their %50. When we
finally go threw with the WLS, and start feeling good about ourselves, we
wake up and realize hey man, I'm wearing thin here, I really need that
extra time and attention to myself. I think in turn that's what changes
them, you changing yourself.. making steps to make yourself a better
person. I always re-asure my husband that I love him more then anything,
and at times he may be a complete butt head... I know longer just let it
build up inside of me, I find myself being more verbal, I have no excuse to
settle for something I don't like, So with that he bends / I bend, and we
both become better people, might put each other threw hell allong the way
but hey that's love, WLS is a true roller coaster. If you really love him,
hang onto him.....
Mine is a true keeper....... I'll work hard to keep him
— tannedtigress
June 2, 2003
My Dh and I had MANY long talks about this subject before I had surgery. He
had reason to be concerned since his ex wife lost a bunch of weight,
cheated on him and then divorced. I reassured him that I am NOT his Ex and
that wouldn't happen. He was very nervous for me and didn't voice his
concerns to me but I did find out later he was talking alot to his best
friend. Guess he didn't want to make me nervous. Then, when I scheduled my
plastic surgery, he finally felt that the 'pressure' was on for him to do
something about his weight since I would be 'looking good'AND I am going
out more. (he was about 60lbs overweight). He is on a diet and has
proceeded to lose 40 of the 60lbs. He's looking great! I think if anything,
it has made our 11.5 yr marriage stronger and brought us closer. I truly
believe that if you have a strong marriage already, it can make it stronger
but you HAVE to keep communications going! Tell him that if he keeps giving
you the idea of leaving him by saying those things, you'll take him up on
the idea if he doesn't knock it off! Unfortunately, its his issue he has to
work thru. He'll probably realize after awhile you aren't going anywhere.
Its alot of the 'fear of change and the unknown'. Plus, he's just scared.
— Kris T.
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