Question:
Does anyone have a friend who seems to be supportive of them getting the surgery.....

but yet at the same time seems to be drawing away or distant? When I told my two best friends initially that I was getting the surgery, they were happy for me. They asked questions about the surgery and have both said they will be there at the surgery and are still saying they will. However, they both seem to be distant from me, one of my bestfriends doesn't call me at all. The other suddenly doesn't have time to do anything with me much anymore. I noticed the change in them both. I've voiced my feelings on more than one occasion, but the issue is always avoided. What should I do? If any?    — Shawna L. (posted on May 30, 2003)

May 30, 2003
The same thing happened to me with one of my best friends. Are your friends overweight? Mine is, and for her it was basically a matter of jealousy. While she was supportive of me having the surgery, she said she could never in a million years do it herself - she was envious of my weight loss and scared that I would change after the surgery. We had always been fat together, and the dynamics of our relationship changed. What should you do? Well, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurt by her behavior, and it just about killed me to back off - but I gave her some time and space to try to work through her feelings. Eventually she started calling me again, and a year after my surgery, our friendship is pretty much back to normal again. Whatever happens, remember that you deserve to be happy and healthy, and if the people around you can't support you, it's time to find other people! Good luck:0)!
   — Shannon D.

May 30, 2003
Yes...I've been there. I told my two best friends as well. One of which found out she was pregnant about a month after I told her of my surgery plans. She had been all for the surgery, even thinking she'd do it herself. As time has gone on, she's been really distant. She has stopped eatting and although she is 8 months pregnant now she has lost 20 lbs. She says she's happy for me, but I think knowing that I'm doing this is making her very depressed. And my other best friend has been doing well on her diet. She's down to 203 from about 240 in only a few months. I'm so proud of her. She is happy for me but keeps slipping in those "a diet would work just as well" comments whenever she can. Although I've tried explaining to them both how this surgery is different from a diet and why I need it, neither one of them is as happy with me now as they were in the beginning. Perhaps they thought I'd back out of it. Perhaps their jealous that I may be the thin one (I've always been the biggest in the group and while those two went from size 18 to 9 and back again over the years, I've never joined them in the lower sizes). Are they overweight? If they are, perhaps they fear you'll dump them once you get thin. If they are not, maybe they are insecure about themselves. Try to talk to them again. Sincerely tell them how their actions hurt you but realize that...they might never be the great friends they once were.
   — Renee B.

May 30, 2003
HI! I can relate to what you are going through- A lot of times I think our friends start to feel "left out" when we begin telling them about our decision to have wls especially if they are also MO. They may be afraid that you will reach your goal and leave them behind with your old lifestyle. My husband and friends lost a "pig out" buddy. If your friends have your best interest at heart- they should be with you all the way- Try a different approach and ask them to be a part of your support system- tell them you need cheer leaders to keep you on the right track. If they are your TRUE friends they will be happy with you and share in your joy. Hang in there and give them chance to adjust to the new life you are about to begin- they will come around. If they don't- then who needs friends like that? Keep positive people in your life! You deserve to be happy! I wish you the very best!
   — lyndaleigh

May 30, 2003
How much to you talk about the weight loss surgery? Could it be that's all you talk about? (Ok, maybe 75% of the time.) I know that's all I talked about and sometimes I can see people getting tired of hearing all about it. And the same goes for me. Here at my work, everyone is on the Adkins diet and I'm getting burnt out on hearing about what they can or can't eat. Hang in there.
   — TLLessor

May 30, 2003
I agree with the last poster if you are talking too much about WLS. Althou they probably are happy for you, if they are also overweight, and not contemplating surgery they may be threatened somewhat by your decision to "change". It actually gets worse for many after surgery when they do lose the weight and their overweight friends do not-it changes the dynamics of the friendship-no more going out for ice cream sundaes together. One word of advise, either pre or post-op, try not to talk too much about your surgery to those that are not having it. It does get obsessive to us as it is such a big change in our lives and pretty soon becomes all we talk about-what we weigh, how much we have lost, what we can and can't eat, but its hard for others to relate. As we lose weight, we want to shout out, hey, I lost 5 pounds this week etc, etc. It can appear to our friends as if we are bragging. A good rule of thumb is to just spend a minute or two talking about the WLS WHEN ASKED by friends and then ask them, "so, what is new in your life". I advise you to make friends with other post-ops and spend some time with them. I have. You can talk about WLS to your hearts content and not feel as if your boring anyone!! After all, who knows the subject better than us!? As for your current friends, all you can do is be their friend, you can't force it. And if they won't tell you what is going on, not much you can do about it.
   — Cindy R.

May 30, 2003
Everyone I know thinks I am crazy for hoping to have surgery. Everyone I know says they "do not believe in" WLS... they say it is the easy/lazy way to lose weight. I figure they don't know what they are talking about and that they are NOT really friends. At least you have some people in your life that you considered were "friends". I do not really have any at all. You will make NEW friends... on this website... and BEYOND. Good luck in your journey!
   — Eleanore Davis

May 30, 2003
It's funny really... most of my friends are thin. The couple who are not are only 20-40lbs overweight. Then I do have 2 friends who have had THE SURGERY already. What I've found, is that anyone who has had THE SURGERY will encourage you to have it as well as it has been a great tool for them. Likewise, the people who either can not get approved for surgery, don't have insurance, etc. will discourage you and tell you to diet and exercise. I haven't lost any friends yet, but I'm still a preoppie. I figure if any of them flake out on me, they weren't really my friends to begin with:) Good Luck!!!! Kathy surgical consult June 5th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
   — kathy B.