Question:
My daughter is 16 years old, and having a hard time dealing with

my weight loss. I have had a feeling for a while that it is bothering her. She is 5'5" and weighs 170. She wears size 14 (now the same as me), but I wouldn't consider her overweight, just needing some toning. My problem is that she is very sad that I will get thinner than her (it's only been 6 months since my surgery, so I am still losing), but then on the other hand she is very happy for me. I suspected that it was bothering her and then last night she finally came and talked to me. Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? I did tell her that I think she's beautiful and explained that I will keep losing and that no-one thinks she is overweight.... I have also offered to excercise with her at night. I just feel for her, I know she's happy for me, but as a teen your world can feel so small sometimes. Thanks in advance for any help. You guys/gals are the greatest!    — Dana B. (posted on February 7, 2003)


February 7, 2003
I am sorry your daughter is having such a hard time. I do not have much advice for you, only to keep being honest with your daughter and of course keep reassuring her she is beautiful just the way she is. It may be a good time to bring in hte importance of good nutrition and exercise. It is so tough on teenagers these days- so sad- Even my daughter at the age of 11 and 95# wants to start dieting because she swears she is fat. Hopefully your daughter will keep being happy for you but more importantly hopefully you can keep supporting her- I'm sure you will. Don't be afraid to seek outside guidance if needed for either one of you or both. Good Luck!!
   — Jan S.

February 7, 2003
Just tell her you want to be around to watch her graduate,have a carrier, get married, and watch her bring your first grand child into the world.
   — Jon S.

February 7, 2003
i agree with the poster who said teens are very concerned of how they look. remember when you were a teen...did you fit it, wear the right clothes, where you with the "in" crowd? it has really nothing to do with you. if you were still ob..she would have the same issues about her own body. but you can do somethings to help. DON'T bring up the fact you are wearing the same size or will soon be wearing a smaller size. AND NEVER wear her clothing!. be healthy and happy, but never compare yourself to her. she is still growing and changing. maybe if you go on walks you can ask her to go with you, but don't make her feel you want her to loose weight. tell her that you want to spend time with her walking and talking. i have learned alot about my children by listening and having a special time when they can tell me anything(boys, dislikes, how school and friends are)and i won't judge. they open up so much with way. but if you judge or give unasked for advise they will clam up. i think by you listening it will make her much happier. good luck
   — k K.

February 7, 2003
If your daughter is 5'5" and 170, then she *is* a bit overweight, and she knows it. It's that much worse when you're 16, and every image around you tells you you're supposed to be skinny as a rail. I'm wondering what your weight gain pattern was like over your lifetime, and if she's worried about the same thing happening to her in the future. Were you her size at her age? Is she afraid she'll just get bigger? I know I turned out to be my mother all over again with weight gain patterns, and that I was probably afraid of that on some level even at age 16 (when I was about as overweight for my height as your daughter now is at hers). I have no doubt she looks much better than we do as M.O.'s, because she's certainly not M.O., but I wouldn't be reluctant to broach these topics with her just because of your own success. No doubt both of you don't want to see her go through what you've gone through with your weight. So *if* she's feeling like she's overweight and wants to deal with it, help her make the healthy changes you've made. She sounds like a generous spirit, to be able to cheer you on while dealing with her own weight issues at such a young age. :)
   — Suzy C.

February 7, 2003
First off, kudo's to you for being such a great role model. Secondly, I remember being a teenager & being obsessed with my weight. My family has a long history of Eating Disorders, Anorexia, Binge Eating & Bulimia. I got the Binging & occasional purging. I was, at 16, on a lot of drugs which kept the weight down, however I never saw myself as thin. When, at 18, I quit using all substances & cleaned up my act, I turned to food again. Within a year, I had put on 40 lbs & was 170 at 5'7". I hated my body, but was unable to control my eating. I stayed at that weight for several years by exercising 3-5 hours a day, but still belived I was obese. (I should note, I have small bones so that much weight on my body is painful. Course the extra 110 lbs before surgery was worse). When I look back & consider my beliefs & actions, & of course hindsight being 20/20, I realize that if I had gotten a handle on my issues with food at that age, it could have made all the difference. Now I'm not saying she does have an issue, but for me being 5'7" & 171lbs, I'm feeling pretty gross still. If you two could get into a running or walking program, it could make a huge difference in both of your lives. I don't know if any of this is valid for you. I DO wish you both the best!
   — LionGirl2k

February 7, 2003
My mom had bypass surgery when I was 16. As she began losing weight it made me feel jealous, but I was happy all the same. She deserved to be thin/healthy/happy. My sister was a bean pole. It left me being the fat one in the family. We never discussed it, maybe we should have. Just don't forget who/what you once were and accidentally say things that might hurt her feelings. Not that it would be intentional (And yes, that happened to me.) As a teen, it was hard to deal with. Now I am following in my mom's shoes, but I am going down this road at a younger age than she did. One thing I would suggest, teach her good nutrition as you learn it. I wish my mom would have!
   — roryleigh

February 7, 2003
It sounds like you are a GOOD mother. I get this from you being concerned enough to even ask this question.. Your daughter is probably having a lot of mixed emotions at this point. I would suggest that maybe she get involved with some school activities, like swimming, cheerleading, or volleyball...This will be good excersize for her and she will not have as much time on her hands to think about how SKINNY you are getting. You also have the perfect opportunity to be the COOL mom. Your obviously not an embarisment from being MO any longer. Maybe you could get involved w/ your daughter and the school activities. Use this to your advantage. This is a perfect time to not only be Mom , but a friend. Girls love to chat w/ their friends and you could get the inside scoop on how she is really feeling and take advantage to make her feel good about herself. Being a teenager is rough. I know if I had the chance to go back in time, I certainly would NOT. I too have 2 daughters and I hope that I can make a difference in their teen years. They are not quite there yet, so I'm trying to study up on it...lol.. I wish you the best of luck. A relationship between mother and daughter is a very special connection. I have learned a lot from my mom, but I didn't catch on till I wa in my early 20's.. : )
   — Nickie C.

February 10, 2003
Oh Dana, this was so me and my daughter. The first time I wore the same size as her, she turned hostile on me. I just let it go, and later we had a long talk about it. Before WLS I always tried to get her to exercise and eat better because I never wanted her to be like me. To spite my efforts, she is still 17yrs 5'6" and 195lbs. I am only ten pounds heavier than her now, and I am sure that will be another mile stone for us. I just make my celebrations about mile stones reached a bit smaller and we talk about it alot. We also eat together and exercise together which helps alot. Good luck with your daugher, and congratulations on your success. Hugs and smiles..
   — MnShadows

April 4, 2003
I don't consider a size 14 overweight. I believe that is the REAL AVERAGE size of women across America now. Being young, it should be easy for her to tone up just by walking 30minutes a day or every other day. I know its hard because the MEDIA & TV present a 6' 110lbs model as the ideal. Who's fault is that??? Now you see rich 16 year olds getting breast implants.Its craziness!!!! Walking also causes an emotional lift by releasing saratonins into the body, as any excercise does. This should help chase away depression. She is too young and not heavy enough, I feel, to consider this type of surgery. I believe the most attractive part of a person is their personality. Some of her peers at school may try to make her feel bad because she isn't a walking stick figure. These people are trying to feel better about their pathetic selves by putting others down and they are the true ugly ones no matter how thin they appear to be. Teenagers value peer pressure way too much instead of listening to a wise parent.
   — JoAnne B.




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