Question:
How do you deal with an unsupportive husband?

My husband is not very cool with the idea of me having this surgery. He tells me "All you have to do is diet and excercise you'll lose weight". How do I explain to him that this is what I want and diet and excercing don't work.    — Rebecca K. (posted on April 2, 2002)

April 2, 2002
Hey, I think my husband must know yours! Mine was the SAME WAY until we began to go to support group meetings and meet a few people who were very successful with the surgery and he began to come around. He also sent me to my very first consult with my best friend (who is also my Pastor's wife) so that he could get her input on everything. He has now become my biggest fan....he is worried, of course, because of the risks, but he was that way when I had our kids too. Include him in EVERYTHING...introduce him to the board, and don't hide the risks either...he has to know what he is in for. I believe that if you make him part of the whole process...including doctor appts., you will see a change in him. Talk to him about his fears and concerns and you may see just how much he loves you!!
   — Linda D.

April 2, 2002
Hi Rebecca... I have had the same problem with my husband. He was fine until he heard some people die from complications after surgery. His answer was to drink more water and not to eat in the evening. I bet you didn't know it was that simple! Neither did I. Anyway, I have made it clear to him that while I love him I am going to do this. I have made a point of passing along any information I can regarding not just surgery but the deadly issues of obesity too. He actually watched a program with me last night on TLC about obesity. So, hang in there. If you feel good about this than you are doing the right thing.
   — Collett M.

April 2, 2002
I know the feeling. My husband is not real supportive, either. He's very afraid of the risks, as well. I think it also has to do with his own self-esteem or, should I say, lack there of. I think he's afraid that when I lose the weight, it will mean to lose the " old life " as well, meaning my old husband, etc. I have tried to calm his fears but, I know in his heart, he's only watching out for my health. He's been a little better lately and he has now said, that if this is what's going to make me happy, then I should do it. He will be there, 100%. Hang in there, it'll happen for you, too!
   — [Deactivated Member]

April 2, 2002
My husband was definitely against WLS when I first brought up the subject after an appointment I had with my PCP. In fact, he told me point blank that he would NOT support me in any way shape or form if I decided to go through with it. He thought I wasn't heavy enough for the surgery and that all we needed to do was change our lifestyles a bit. Well, that was a year ago... and even though we "tried".. I managed to gain another 20 pounds! When my health started to decline a bit because of the comorbidities I have, I think he started to view things differently. This is not a case of will power. Obesity is an insideous disease. Once I explained to him the benefits of the surgery, he started to come around a lot more. Now, he is 100% supportive. I think that they have many of the same fears we have when we start to learn more about WLS. Keep remembering that the reason he is against the surgery now is because he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. And you might explain to him that yes, there are complications with the surgery but the complications of being morbidly obese are far greater. I am sure he will come around. Take him to a support group meeting so he can see others who have gone through the same surgery. I am sure he will be astounded by what he sees and he will see that the choice you are making (though it may have some risks) is worth it. Good luck!
   — KathieInHawaii

April 2, 2002
Thanks so much for posting this question because I am also on the same boat with you! My husband's recommendation was to just start walking around the block every night! That is about as good as the previous post of drinking more water and not eating dinner! For me it is helping because I have co-morbidities (diabetes, high blood pressure) He has seen my health deteriorate over the last few years and I am hoping that as time goes on he will become more supportive. But you know what, it is my life and health. This might be a blunt statement, but if I don't have his support in the end, so be it. I am having this surgery for myself and to preserve my life.
   — Joanie J.

April 2, 2002
In addition to having him attend support groups w/you. Have him spend some time on this website. My boyfriend was always supportive BUT became even more supportive when I found some folks on this website that looked like me and had stories like mine.
   — Yvette W.

April 6, 2002
In the end, my answer was have surgery anyway... and even post-op, the differences were insurmountable and we are getting divorced. I am 6.5 months post-op, down around 135 lbs and we've been separated for 4.5 months. I am actually much happier now too to tell the truth. Read my profile for more info or feel free to email me, [email protected]. Good luck, and sorry to be a downer. I would still do it again; I needed to take my life back in SO MANY ways.
   — Julia M.

April 6, 2002
Go to this site. This was written by the husband of Barbara Thompson who wrote a book on having WLS. Have your husband take a look at that and if he is still adamantly opposed, you may just have to go it alone. http://www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm
   — garw