Question:
Do I have to tell my inlaws about my upcoming WLS?

   — Colleen S. (posted on August 12, 2002)


August 12, 2002
You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to. I am a firm believer that it is no one's business but your own. You will only be in the hospital for a few days. Tell them you are having your gall bladder removed and are getting serious about losing weight. That way they won't question you wanting to order your dress a size smaller. When they see you losing weight, they will probably be very supportive..........we hope anyway. I felt the same way about my inlaws. Only thing different is that we got/get along VERY well. I didn't want them to know though cause no one on my hubsands side of the family ever had a weight problem. They are also very opinionated. I KNEW none of them knew anything about WLS and I just didn't want to deal with having to explain myself. Unfortunately I had complications and my husband needed someone to talk to. Guess who that was!? His family. I was very surprised at the support they gave me. His sister got on the internet to learn all about it. So, for me, them finding out was ok although I would have preferred to keep this private.
   — Kim B.

August 12, 2002
Colleen, first of all...you need to realize that the decision to have this surgery is your decision which you decided upon WITHIN yourself. You dont have to answer to anyone, not even the outlaws, oops..I mean INlaws. (wink)...If you dont want to tell them, then please dont. You dont need the pressure nor the stress of their negativity, cause hon, chances are they will NOT agree with it and they will pick you apart. As for the dress, can you have it made locally? You can get the material in town Im sure and have it made by your own seamstress...or...send them your measurements~then make sure to have it altered when you go for the final fitting there in the brides town when you arrive for the wedding. (allow yourself some time for that alteration..) Keep your chin up hun...and stick up for yourself..this is about YOU...not anyone else... p.s. remind me of this post when its my turn, okay? lol
   — Traci P.

August 12, 2002
Oh, Colleen - how my heart goes out to you. I know all too well what it like to have "over bearing" family members. I am sure that they have good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions... Your answer lies in your own questions. It's your body! You don't owe them an explanation. My husbands family and I do not get along and I have no intentions of telling them. In fact other than my husband, my parents, my boss and a handful of friends, I have told anyone. It's none of anyone business. I have made this discission for myself and I don't need anyone approval. Neither do you. As far as the dress goes, that is really between you and the store. If you are afriad that something may get said and really don't want to answer any questions about a smaller size dress then buy one that is your size and find a seemstress that can take it in for you a few days before the wedding. You have nothing to be ashamed of, but you have nothing you need to answer for either. Best wishes on your journey -- Joy
   — Sue J.

August 12, 2002
If you are not comfortable in telling them, then don't. I made the decision not to tell my husband's family as well. They are also very critical people. I was not going to give them something else to criticize me about. About the dress. If it is only a month away, you probably will only go down one dress size, two at the most (of course anything can happen!) Order the dress for what you fit now. A week before, go in for another fitting (they don't even need to know you went) and get it taken in if needed. If the wedding is out of town that is another problem. Try and get your hands on the dress ASAP and have it altered locally before you go. Last minute alterations are not impossible, but I would not rely on it.
   — Lucky Gal U.

August 12, 2002
Why are you stressing so? Is someone holding a gun to your head and forcing you to tell your in-laws? Is your husband threatening to tell if you don't? If not, then simply tell your husband that you are not comfortable at this time discussing it with his parents and that all they will know is that you are having your gall bladder out, or a hernia operation. Then when you lose weight, well, you can say you have changed how/what you are eating. As I lost weight and people asked how I did it, I told the truth-high protein, lo carb and sugar, small frequent meals, lots of water and exercise. And that is the truth. I told very few people of my surgery, my parents, sister and brother, hubby of course, and a few close friends-no one at work. Its no one's business but your own. Take charge.
   — Cindy R.

August 12, 2002
I chose not to tell any of my in-laws for the same reasons. My brother in law is a peditrician sister in law a cardiologist. They believe the only way you can lose weight is by lifestyle changes and you do not need diet pills or any other help in doing this. So I chose not to listen to the BS and chose not to tell them. I have lost 72lbs and I saw them at 2 months out and had lost around 50 and the only reason they said anything was because my mother in law said "look how much weight she has lost" and the response was "yea I see that". But that's ok. I feel good and I don't need there approval. I just saw them again at 72lbs and they did not say anything. Just tell your sister in law that you will be dieting and hope to lose weighht by the wedding so you will probably need to be set up for a fitting 1 week or so before the wedding. They can make the necessary adjustments. Good luck to you.
   — Robin B.

August 12, 2002
When I hear stories of these only one suggestion comes to mind: I suggest you repeat this mantra "Screw Them" (and I cleaned that up for the sensitive ones). Either get a backbone (not trying to be mean- as you may have noticed after WLS, as many of us do get a little stronger and a little less tolerant of others intrusion/control/opinions in our lives) or you can continue to let them control you, and accept it. As you say, it is your body and your fat, AND it is your choice to have surgery too- if you truly feel this way- then don't ever give anyone the power to control any of it. Screw em. As for your dress, many people diet before weddings, why would anyone question your weight loss? I also know that I was able to wear many of my same clothes one month out, and I am sure your dress will be fine if you order it the same size now. And another thing- HOW would these people even KNOW your dress size? It is possible it may not even be an issue- and you've worried yourself over nothing. It sounds to me as though there may be much deeper issues here than a dress...... in which I shall direct you back to my motto: screw them. Oh and another thing (geez, I am on a roll here) I will always be VERY emotional about my body. I cry (inside & out) about it and I probably always will. This is not such a horrible thing- I have accepted the fact that there will always be things I will never be pleased with and either I change them or I deal with it. These opinions change daily (hourly) and that is just me! I am not ashamed of being emotional, that is just how I work.
   — Karen R.

August 12, 2002
Girlfriend, you have some serious and unwarranted shame issues associated with being obese. It isn't your fault. I was going to be flippant and tell you that, Yes, it is so written that you MUST tell your inlaws, but I was so moved by the honesty of your pain that I just couldn't. However, it sounds like they are just people who are concerned and given to strong opinions that they freely share. My mother was that way and it used to drive me nuts until I confronted her about it one day and she said that it was just that as an elder, she felt it was her duty to share with me what she thought about things and that she didn't really care if I took her advice, that she trusted me to know what was best. From that day forward, I always considered that maybe she had a point of view that might be valuable, even if I disagreed with it. Perhaps you could use this time to grow closer by letting them support you on this incredible journey. Don't let your pride get in the way. They obviously love you, even if disgusted (or maybe it is just pained) looks is the best they can muster. Accepting this surgery is just the final step of admitting that we are powerless to manage our obesity or morbid obesity without a higher power. I just never thought that God would use a bariatric surgeon to rescue me from drowing in my fat. Good Luck to you!
   — merri B.

August 12, 2002
I personally think that WLS is a very personal surgery. If you are comfortable talking about it then tell them, but it doesn't seem like you are. When I had WLS, I didn't talk about it with my family at all. In fact, I didn't tell them till 2 days before my surgery date. Other people say that I was wrong for that, but it was a choice I needed to make on my own. The last thing I needed was my family talking me out of it. I was sick of being fat. My family didn't have to carry the weight I was walking around with. That's why I really didn't tell many people. It turns out that most of my family was really cool with it. I'm glad I didn't have to hear other non-obese people's opinions while I was preparing myself for surgery. As for the wedding, order your size, and a few days before the wedding get it altered. Although most people do lose a good amount of weight in the first month, you won't drop so many sizes that you can't get it altered. Your inlaws will see your sucess and be glad. If you want, you can tell them then. Or you can take it to your grave. Either way, you'll be a happy healthy person. Good luck.
   — Sarah K.

August 12, 2002
I think you need to do what is most comfortable to you. You may want to discuss it with your husband. He may have some valuable insight and advice. But in the end, you can only do what you want to do. I, too, am worried about telling my inlaws. Not because I think they'll have anything negative to say per se. Just that they are all skinny little chickies and they have no clue what it is to be fat. They take their bodies size for granted. I think my mother-in-law will be fine with it. I think. My Mom is ok with it, concerned for me, but at the same time she understands what it is to be MO. She's been that way for a very long time. She's usually supportive of anything I do (although the only guy she ever approved of is the man I'm married to now...lol) I've also chosen not to tell my co workers except a very select few. I've told my two bosses and I've told three friends. I won't tell my brothers until just before the surgery because I don't want them to worry needlessly, which they will. OK...that's my 2 cents. I hope you do what's right for you and good luck on your surgery!! Cathy
   — jenlaur1

August 13, 2002
Boy, your question sure brings up some painful emotions for us doesn't it? I, too, couldn't bring myself to tell my inlaws prior to having WLS. They are good people but don't hesitate to give their opinion - even when it hurts. They genuinely don't mean to be cruel and I love them but sometimes I wish I could shake them and just say "Do you hear yourself????" My inlaws live out of state so it was no issue to hide my hospitalization. I'd gone from a size 24/26 to a size 16/18 when I saw them the first time after surgery. They were ecstatic. When I told them how I'd lost the weight they didn't say anything bad. I felt like they were proud of me but I still had that tiny little underlying feeling that I should have been able to do it myself. Even with all my accomplishments my mother in law made the comment a few days later "If you don't stop eating those chips (14 Fat Free Pringles - less than 70 calories) you're going to gain all your weight back". I swear it almost prompted me to react violently which is TOTALLY against my nature. But, I quietly endured it for the sake of my husband who loves and cherishes his parents. Once I reached goal my mother in law made another comment about gaining my weight back and I gently replied "I think I am coping with my food issues appropriately and I wish you wouldn't make those kinds of statements. It makes me feel as though you don't have any confidence in me". It didn't require any backbone (I don't mean to be offensive when I say this but reacting harshly to a naysayer rarely ever has the desired effect)and I think it may have actually soaked in. Being the mother of two sons I hope I have learned to accept and appreciate whomever they choose for their spouses. I hope I'll never be hurtful to them in any way. I know my inlaws love their son and only want him to be happy. I think they think having a skinny wife is what will make him happy - but that's just not what our marriage is about. They don't mean to be unkind but they are sometimes. I haven't ever regretted telling them AFTER the surgery. I still feel it would have been a mistake to tell them before surgery. It would have been a very negative situation. As far as the dress goes - after only a month it should only take some very simple alterations to make the dress fit. In fact you can probably do like the beauty pageant contestants do - USE DUCT TAPE! I'm sorry for rambling on and on. I mostly just wanted to communicate that I think my in laws are not bad people - they just don't know how to use sensitivity and delicacy where my weight is concerned. But, no one is perfect and I love them anyway. Best wishes to you!!!
   — ronascott




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