Question:
Has anyone else ever been afraid to have a relationship with the opposite sex becaus
they were heavy and didn't feel attractive or were ashamed about how they looked? — [Anonymous] (posted on April 25, 2001)
April 24, 2001
I've been married almost thirteen years, and my husband has seen me all
sizes. If folks are honest, they'll tell you, like me, we've ALL felt what
you're feeling. If the world's idea of beauty was OUR body shapes, the
media wouldn't have anorexic models. It's a vary rare fat person who truly
has high self esteem and body image. Otherwise, this site wouldn't exist. I
can't tell you how to get over this feeling, but know that anyone you
choose to be intimate with should care about the inside. Also, it's not
likely they don't know your size unclothed, unless you're an expert at
hiding it when dressed. They'd have to be attracted to you already, so that
should say something. Try exercising. Even if you didn't see changes in the
scale, you might find your body becoming more toned. It also produces
endorphines, or happy hormones, also released during intimacy. This will
bring your mood up, and make you feel better about yourself. Nice cologne,
hairstyle, nighties and hygiene do wonders to make you feel more attractive
as well. Hope this helps. We feel your insecurity, too.
— Amy K.
April 24, 2001
Absolutely!! I was married for 18 years...my ex-husband was very cruel in
reference to my wieght!! Telling me that NO ONE would ever want to me with
me....needless to say, I finally built up enough self-esteem to divorce
him...but what he said was alway in the back of my mind...I never expected
to find someone until I lost all this weight...HOWEVER, I did meet someone
who saw beyond the excess padding..and we were married July 1, 2000....I
wore a wedding dress in a size 24...and actually felt beautiful...I am now
having the surgery for health reasons...I want to have a long life with
this great man!! I hope that helps...I didn't go looking for love, was too
scared of rejection..but it found me!! Luv Ya, Karan
— chance2lv
April 24, 2001
I am married now but for my entire life I was always most attracted to
heavy rounded women. Perhaps its related to my weight and if I had been
thin it would of been different. I have no way to know.
When looking at before and after pictures I frequently feel the befores are
more attractive.... Although I realize that the afters are healthier and
likely much happier.
To be honest my wife who is also getting surgery, once I have mine well
lets just say I want her healthy and happy but not necessarily thin.
I know I am not alone, this subject came up recently in the banders board
and I was informed theres a mens magazine for big women and lots of other
stuff too.
Lots of folks use weight to avoid certain situations, and I avoided romance
too. When I met my now wife that all changed and such concerns flew out the
window. I am VERY lcky to have her.
— bob-haller
April 24, 2001
Yes. I am a 31 year old woman. I have been fat for my entire life and it
has shaped the way I view relationships. In nearly every relationship I've
had, I have settled because I thought no one else would want me. I've had
men who have stolen from me, treated me badly, were dependent on me
financially, etc. The only thing I haven't had is a physically abusive
relationship. Amazing huh? I am strong in every other life situation. I
dress well, am articulate, hold a Master's degree, am a church goer and
active in the community. Yet when it comes to men, I feel that they
couldn't possibly like me because of my weight. And when they did show an
interest, it turned out to be because of my money (I'm not rich but
compared to the guy who is making minimum wage, I am a step up). I can't
totally blame the men though. I realize that I have this issue and because
of the way I feel about myself and my weight, these are the types of men
that I am attracting. The last guy I dated was a sociopathic liar with no
money. That was January of 1999. I have not dated since then partly
because of my weight and partly because I realize that I need to change the
way I view myself. Hope that answers your question. In the back of my
mind I have a belief that if I weren't fat, men would like me for me. The
intellectual side of me knows that regardless of my looks, men will react
to me based on how I feel about myself. Hopefully I'll be able to get over
this someday. You are not alone...
— [Anonymous]
April 24, 2001
Definately. I am 1 year post op and 102 pounds lighter. I have been married
to my husband for 10 years. I was 236 pounds when I had this surgery and I
feel he loved me just as much then as he does now, the only difference is
that I love myself now. I am not ashamed to be seen undressed or to go
shopping with him or out to dinner. My hubby took me shopping and the lady
working the dressing room and I got to talking about my weight loss. He
sister had the surgery as well. She asked how long I had been married and
she looked at my husband and said "You're a good man, and I can tell
because you have love in your eyes, no matter what her weight was you loved
her regardless, am I right"? I wanted to cry!
NEVER let anyone tell you you're worthless because of your weight.
I have been truly blessed to have such a wonderful man. Best wishes on
finding that special someone!!
— Cindy L.
April 25, 2001
You are a part of a very big club, and I am a fellow member! I am 37 and
still hoping that a special man will come into my life - and not too much
later becuase I want children! Weight has ALWAYS been an issue for me in
relationships. The last serious one I had was in college, and he was as
heavy as I was. I guess it was easier to be with someone who couldn't
judge me because of weight since he was heavy as well. As an adult,
though, I have had no relationships - not even a date. In my early 20's I
went through a stage where I was very angry with men because I felt they
were ignoring me because of my weight instead of being willing to see the
beauty inside. Then I just resigned myself to the fact that I may never be
in a relationship, and that's that. I think my weight has always made feel
feel unworthy of being in a serious loving relationship. I can honestly
say that I had this surgery for my health, which has improved 100% now that
I am 100 pounds lighter. :):):) But I do harbor a secret hope that a
serious, loving, mature relationship will come along with it. I have tried
to approach my health now as a whole person. I feel much better about
myself. I am trying to "prepare" myself to be OPEN to a
relationship, if that makes any sense to you. And while I have done more
of the "cosmetic" things like dressing better, getting nice
looking glass frames, fixing my hair, I don't get too caught up into it. I
am trying to concentrate on my inner being - am I a good person, kind to
others, am I placing myself in appropriate social situations where I will
meet good and decent single men, etc. Hang in there. There's a journey
here for all of us! Thanks for the question and all the interesting
answers that have been posted.
— Paula G.
April 25, 2001
Oh my yes! There is a secret that I have learned. Feel good about
yourself and others will feel good about you too. It takes alot of courage
for the large lady in today's society. Especially where the opposite sex
is concerned. I've found that if I feel emotionally like a vibrant and
sexual being that I get better reactions from men. I walk and talk
differently. My carriage is straighter and I actually feel womanly and
feminine. If you can see yourself as a vital person it is much easier for
others to see you that way too. I love men. I love the sight, sound and
smell of men. I certainly don't let my size interfere with that.
— Melissa S.
April 25, 2001
Relationships are difficult regardless of body weight. I have many slender
girlfriends who find that it is easy to attract men but to find a
relationship that has depth and meaning really isn't any easier for them. I
am 47 years old and was one of those "pretty fat girls" when I
was younger. I dealt with the old routine of "I could really go for
you if you were thinner." Then for awhile I specifically sought out
relationships with men who preferred full-figured women because I didn't
want to deal with the fat phobias. Unfortunately my last relationship was
with a man who was very manipulative, controlling, moody and eventually
both physically and sexually abusive. I have not had a relationship or
even a date for three years. Part of me still hopes that I can find a kind
loving man who is looking for a life companion and lover. However, at 47,
I realize that there is not much chance of that happening, so I go ahead
and enjoy the life I have.
— Nanette T.
April 25, 2001
I waited til I was approaching 40 to have this surgery. Up until then I
BARELY DATED AT ALL. That's because I didn't like myself & lacked
self-confidence. I found out after I started opening myself up to the
possibilities of a relationship that there were quite a few men who were
interested in me b4 I lost weight but I was giving off the "I'm not
interested" vibe. One guy I worked with even said he always thought I
was gay since I never expressed any interest in the opposite sex. Right
now I do worry about my droopy thighs & upper arms but I gotta tell
ya-the guys don't seem to mind!!
— Lori_B
April 30, 2001
Ohhhhhhhhhh yes! Before my surgery, I let myself believe I was worthless
because I was big and that no man would want me. It was ridiculous, but I
didn't like myself and kinda figured no one else would either. But lo and
behold, I had the surgery and then I was afraid that men wouldn't like me
because I had been fat, because I had a scar, because I had funny eating
habits. I am one year postop and have lost 127 pounds. I went from a 24
to an 8. I recently started dating a wonderful man who treats me like I
truly deserve, who loves me absolutely, is proud of what I have done, who
wants to marry me. I was terrified when we got started (and sometimes
still) ... but every once in a while, I see myself the way he sees me ...
and I'm getting better every day.
— Beth B.
May 18, 2001
Heck yes! I really began thinking that it is "just me"...that
perhaps something in my past had happened to me (like abuse) that brought
me up with the thoughts of disgust concerning sex. I even asked a therapist
about this issue at the age of 18: "When will I feel sex is a normal,
natural thing in life"? She told me not to worry and that it will come
evenutally. I am 32 years old now..and STILL wondering! I now have come to
terms that perhaps my negative feelings about sex has alot to do with my
being overweight most of my life...always being made fun in school, guys
making their commments clear that fat chicks are gross and disgusting,
never having any compliments from others that boost the self esteem or
feeling pretty or desireable..and on and on. I think it has been programed
into my brain to accept that therefore, being attractive or sexual is
nonexistsiant because no one sober or in their right mind would want to be
with someone overweight. And of course another weird thing too...is that I
find many men attractive and been on dates..but then the thought of
sleeping with them is unthinkable..not only because of the weight but
because it seems so ..well..naked! Hopefully after surgery and the weight
comes off, I will finally know if it is truly weight problems or not or if
I have some serious problems about sex. Alot of times, I have accepted the
fact I will be alone..but deep down that is just too lonely! Perhaps once
one feels good about their bodies and how they feel about themselves is the
key. Good question I would never dare to post but glad to answer!
— [Anonymous]
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