Question:
Please help me get over negative thoughts.
I need some serious help. I'm scheduled to have lap rny in March 2001, and I'm going out of my mind. I have a daughter and everytime I play with her and were having a good time, I think to myself I may never be able to do this with her again. I feel like I'm going to my death. I don't know why I'm having all these negative thoughts. I want to do this surgery so bad, but the fact of the matter is it's elective surgery. I'm 29 years old and weigh 270. I have no known health problems as of yet and feel good everyday except for lugging around an extra 100 plus pounds. I love life, I love people, and I love my daughter more than I could ever imagine. I want to go the hospital and be more confident and not so freaked out. I beg anyone who could give me some advice on this surgery, and these emotional issues I'm having. Thank you so much [email protected] — Gena B. (posted on February 16, 2001)
February 15, 2001
I know exactly how you are feeling. I had open RNY on 12/28/00 and I had
the same thoughts you are having. I didn't want to be so morbid but I
couldn't help it. I had to remind myself that I had picked the best doctor
I could find and I rtusted him and his impeccable record. I also had to
remind myself that I had to do this for ME and my family. I wanted to be
able to chase my kids and be mobile & free of the food! I wanted a
better physical life! Remind yourself of the reasons you decided to do
this in the first place & realize your feelings are normal! You will
be fine & when you start to lose the weight, you'll never regret your
decision!
— Lisa B.
February 15, 2001
Your thoughts are very, very normal. I am 33, I lost my husband to a car
accident Christmas Eve 1998 and we have two daughters. I knew I could not
care for them without losing weight and that we would have no quality to
our lives, just mere existence. I researched EVERYTHING and made an
informed decision as to what type of wls and which surgeon to use. I got
our personal affairs in order, and prayed like I never prayed before going
into surgery. That was 9.5 months and 135 lbs ago. Our lives have changed
completely! We have been to the park, bowling, outlet shopping, the mall,
and just bought inline skates for each of us. Just last night my oldest
commented on how I am now able to give her such a quick bath because I can
bend over. Xanax helped me greatly during the few weeks prior to surgery.
Feel free to write me for support, I'm more than happy to talk with you.
— [Deactivated Member]
February 15, 2001
I can relate completely. I have 4 small children. Ages 9,7, 6,4. I was
quite petrified prior to surgery that I would die and leave my precious
children all for "elective" surgery. But I am also a christian,
and one of my dearest friends helped me to see that not only was this
necassary, but it was biblical. There is a scripture that says "if you
arm causes you to sin- cut it off", and I relate this scripture to
this surgery, My stomach caused me to sin, so I cut it off!!! Anyway, I
realized that some people have serious complications, and that
realistically I could have to, but I trusted GOD to protect me and see me
through, he was not going to allow me to die unless it was my time no
matter what.If September 22, 2000 was my day to die it would have happened
no matter what, I could have got in a car accident that day if it wasn't
from surgery. Or any other thing. I am also 29 years old, and the way I
looked at it was my age is an advantage for me, rather than wait 10 more
years and be 100lbs heavier and 10 years older and at a higher risk. But if
they can perform successful surgeries on newborns and elderly, than I had a
pretty good chance of surviving just fine!!!! I have lost 85lbs in 5 1/2
months, and I feel incredible. I wouldn't change it for the world. My kids
are much happier now that I am here for them and I am healthier!! I will
pray for you!!
— Lauren P.
February 16, 2001
I had thoughts like that too, and wondered if this was a sign that I was
making a bad decision. What helped me was to pray, pray, pray. I prayed
for guidance, and for peace, and basically let God decide for me if this
was the right or wrong choice. In the end, I showed up at the hospital on
my surgery day with a very peaceful feeling. I hope you can find some
peace before your surgery too. It will help your recovery too if you can
rest and relax instead of being anxious. Good Luck!
— Lynn K.
February 16, 2001
Hi Gena! I can completely relate to your feelings, as I had the
EXACT same thing happen to me starting about two weeks before my surgery
date ... in fact the feelings were SO overwhelming that I talked
myself out of it ... Yes, I cancelled my surgery two weeks before
I was scheduled to go in ... and I will tell you now ... It was the
biggest mistake of my life ... I regret it EVERY day in EVERY way. This
surgery is what I want and most definitely what I need. I feel 100%
worse now than I did before I chickened out. Don't make the same
mistake that I did!! In fact, I want you to know that your message
and the replys you received have made me decide to call my
doc and schedule another appointment to reschedule!! Put it in God's
hands ... thats what I did ... I asked Him just this morning, to send
me a positive indication that I would be OK with this surgery ... and
your message appeared on AMOS today ... I am taking this as my
positive sign ... GO FOR IT!!! Good Bless!!
— Donna H.
February 16, 2001
Hi, and you are not alone, I saw this question and started to bypass it,
but my ANGEL on my shoulder made me back up. and respond also. Let me
share with you, I started my research back in Oct of 2001 and when I made
my dicision to have this surgery, I almost freaked, I would cry at the drop
of nothing. I didnt want to be around my stepdaughter who just turn 14, I
couldnt play with my CAT that I love, I pushed Sam away. I tried to
isolate as much as possible, the truth was I didnt want to SAY GOODBYE...
We had move into our home 4 years ago and needless to say I had not done
any filing. I needed to get the filing done, insurance papers, life
insurance policy together health reacords, house payments, etc etc.... for
if something did happen to me/ Sam would not know where to begin. I even
went to my employer and asker her if something was to happen and I didnt
make it back would she help Sam in getting my life insurance if he had
troubles with anyone in personel. I was scared but do to my health
conditions realitiy I had no choice but to go thru with the surgery.. I
remember when I went to see my Surgion which was Nov 17. I went very
prepared and asked lots and lots of questions and my last question was to
him "DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD" He kinda look at my in a surpirse
look. I think he thought I was going to ask another medical question....His
reply was " OF COURSE I DO, HE IS MY SAVYOR AND WITHOUT GOD IN MY LIFE
I WOULD NOT BE WHERE I AM TODAY. HE ALSO SAID "JAY IF YOU HAVE SO
MUCH FEAR THAN YOU NEED TO TRUST THE LORD AND HAVE "FAITH" FOR
FAITH WILL REPLACE FEAR". You know I walked out of his office as
if I was on a cloud already....Honestly and he was right. Once I let go of
the Fear and trust in my God than my fear of dying went away. And I was
able to love Sam, our daughter, and even my cat again. And I wanted to be
around people again. At least the filing is now done and out of the way.
I also reflected by to I remember at one time before my mother passed away
3 years ago, That she was always on my side even if I was wrong but she
told me one day "DREAMS COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES". This
is why alot of times at the end of what I say I will write this too,
Because Mom was right. and I hold onto those words so much because it also
keeps me in touch with God because without him in my life I dont think i
would have made this dission or have anything in my life...enough of that,
Anyways you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughs and prayers, It
will be ok. Also maybe you might want to touch base with your PCP and he
can also give you something to help cut the edge off too. REMEMBER DREAMS
DO COME TRUE FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVES>>>>>^j^ ^j^
— jay B.
February 16, 2001
I think most of us can relate to your question. I felt that I had
researched this surgery and was totally prepared in every way. What I
wasn't prepared for was the emotions before surgery. For me this was the
worst part -- even worse than the post surgery pain! What helped me the
most was coming to this site frequently and reading all the updates and
positive things happening to people. Sure there are posts about people with
complications, but there are many, many more of people who have had no
problems (like me). Pray, meditate or practice deep breathing exercises to
help you relax. You'll be fine - and think of all the fun things you'll be
able to do with your daughter that you haven't been able to do in the
past!!!
— georgiacarol
February 16, 2001
I, too, felt the same way. My surgery was December 12, 2000. I started to
write a letter to my children, just in case...I couldn't do it. I couldn't
see through the tears. My doctors were very reassuring. I was fully aware
of the risks, but knew that maintaining my weight would have led to serious
co-morbidities and a miserable life-style. I did have some complications,
including spleen removal. But all that is behind me now. I'm doing great
and my only regret was tht I didn't have the opportunity to have this
surgery at your age when I could have used it to improve the quality of my
life with my kids when they were small. Atleast I have my grandchildren to
romp with! Best wishes.
— Katie F.
February 16, 2001
Hi There
Wow! You've touched alot of people!I think we all understand just where
you are. I too was the same way. I was scared to death in 1999, I cancled 3
weeks befor my surgey. Then I had a few wake up calls, I rescheluded for
July of 2000 I'm 7 months post op and dowm 100lbs.I did a lot more research
in that year, I talked to people that had the surgery, I asked every
question I possible could. I got my affairs in order and away I went! I
don't regret it at all. I had the open RNY. I hear the recovery for the
lapriscopic is faster than mine. You have every right to be scared, It's a
huge decision. I didin't bargain for all the neat stuff that came with it
aside from getting my life back and my health. The support from everyone is
encredible. I make no quams about mentioning it to anybody! Actually I'm
proud of it. I lift up my shirt and show people my new life line(my scar)I
think you did the right thing by posting this, you are and will get so much
feed back. Please feel free to contact me, I'm more than happy to answer
questions. My name is Corrine. E-mail is [email protected] care
— Corrine L.
February 16, 2001
Gena, all I can say is to hang in there. We are here for you, and you'll
get throuh it! Dealing with obesity isn't easy. We get a lot of guilt
from those around us and from society in general. You mentioned this is
elective surgery. While some insurance companies may term it as such the
fact of the matter is that it is not. This is not a quick fix. You don't
wake up thin. This surgery addresses the medical disease of morbid obesity
which affects millions of people, directly and indirectly. We have been
brainwashed to believe that fad diets and pills will cure it. They will
not. Not only are you doing this surgery for you, but also for your
daughter. At 270 how long can you keep up with her? What happens when you
reach 300, 325, 350? I can say that because I have been there. When I had
my surgery I weighed 300. Never in my life did I EVER believe I would
weigh 300 pounds, yet that was my reality at age 36. Also, when an obese
person tells me they have no health issues, I am immediately very
skeptical. It tells me 2 things - either you are incredibly fortunate and
should thank your lucky stars or you have never been tested for diabetes,
high blood pressure, sleep apnea, high cholesterol, arthritis, bretahing
issues and have not had a recent physical. Again, I say this from personal
experience. Throughout the years as my health issues worsened, I was very
much in denial that my obesity was causing them. My energy level had
dropped very low, and all I could do was make excuses for it - oh, I just
didn't get enough sleep, or I walked too much today, or my shoes don't fit
right. There was always something I told myself to convince me that being
obese was not a problem and that I could handle it. I have also learned
that as obese people, we often just "suck it up" and "trudge
along". I have always been a very active and busy person. I forced
myself through the tiredness and health problems. If I had stayed in bed
every time I was in pain or discomfort, I never would have gotten out of
bed at all. Once we accept these things as part of our daily living, it is
hard for us to understand that "normal" people don't go through
life like that. What this surgery has done for me (I'm 9 months out) is
amazing. I am off completely my diabetes and high blood pressures meds, I
do not sleep with my sleep apnea machine any longer, my energy level has
soared through the roof, I am 100 pounds lighter and I feel (and look)
great. My breathing problems and joint pain have disappeared. I feel
confident that when the time comes I will be able to take care of my
parents when they need me (and not the other way around). I also feel
confident that when I finally meet the man of my dreams, I will be able to
have a healthy pregnancy and carry the baby full term. Do this for YOU.
Do this for your daughter. Do this for your future. Do this for your
life. God bless!!!
— Paula G.
February 16, 2001
in your question / statement you say "I love people I love my daughter
I love life. No where in your statement do you say I love myself. You want
to have this surgery so bad but... but what? Fear of the surgery any
surgery is normal. Is that what you fear?Or do you fear giving up your old
safe life and lifestyle. If your fears as so great that they interfere with
your sleep or occupy most of your waking moments then maybe you need to
speak to a professional to get to the route of your fear. If you are just
scared of the pain and the proceedure , we all were. Your weight can keep
going up until you have a heart attack or stroke , you can get hit by a bus
tomorrow and never play with your daughter again. There are no guarantees
in this life. But if every time you have a negative thought you substitute
a positive one or a prayer you will get through this. And every day of your
new life will be a gift that you can share with your daughter. This has
been my experience , knowing that we are all different I hope in some small
way this has helped you. I believe in prayer and I will pray for you. I am
51years old I was 50 when I had this surgery. You are 29 . You have your
whole life ahead of you...live it WELL.
— Rose A.
February 16, 2001
Hi Gena...I started a few pounds larger than you - about 277. I am 36, but
when I was 29, I didn't have health problems either. In fact, I was about
60 lbs lighter and prior to that, my top non-pregnant weight was 250. My
cholesterol was always on the high end of normal, low blood pressure, no
sleep apnea, great heart and lungs, no diabetes. I didn't have problems
with my period, wasn't incontinent, I could walk and be on my feet all day
if I had to, and could cross my legs and dance all night. Over the course
of the last 8 years, I had gained 88 lbs. And I will always maintain that
had I not lost 60 lbs. in two months 8 years ago by starving myself, I
would have never topped 250. In any case, as you age, your metabolism
slows and you need less to eat in order to maintain your weight. If you do
not eat less, you gain weight. Eventually, the weight gain WILL cause
health problems. About a year ago, I did dance all night - for about 4
hours straight. And my knees - which have been injured three times
previously - were never the same. I felt like I was 80 years old everytime
I got up from a chair. I began to walk like my 70-year old mother. I
decided that I needed to lose weight, or I would likely be over 300 and in
a wheelchair by the time I was 40. So I had WLS and in only 33 pounds, my
knees stopped aching. I am now down 80 lbs. and weigh less than I did when
I was 12 years old. I think what you need to do is evaluate why you
pursued this surgery in the first place. There is something you didn't
mention in your question...if things are going so well for you and you are
happy, perhaps it isn't time yet? Or, if you are determined to follow it
through, you need to remember the statistics - 99.9% of the surgeries are
done without complications, you are young and in great health and you have
emotional stability. Those facts alone will account for a successful
outcome. Have faith in yourself, your doctor and your Higher Power! And
keep checking here for all the success stories...you'll soon be one of
them!
— Allie B.
February 16, 2001
I had open RNY 11/17/00 at the age of 43. My only regret is that I didn't
have it sooner. When I was your age I was about your weight and had no
major health problems, like you. By the time I had my surgery I was up to
358 pounds and had numerous health problems - - high blood pressure, high
cholesterol, reactive airway disease, arthritis, stress incontinence and
carpal tunnel syndrome. My only regret is that I did not have this surgery
sooner. By the time I decided to have surgery, I was so ready, that I had
absolutely no doubts that I was doing the right thing and I was not afraid
at all. I think it is important that you be sure in your own mind that
this is the right thing for you - then you can cope better with your fears.
If you go ahead with the surgery, take comfort in the fact that your odds
of a successful outcome are even better due to your youth and the fact that
you are in good health other than your obesity. Good luck and God Bless
You whatever you decide.
— Lynn T.
February 16, 2001
Hi- I just had my surgery 2 weeks ago today. I felt EXACTLY as you do. I
have a 2 year old, and was terrified of dying and leaving her. (We adopted
her 1 1/2 years ago, and all I could think of was one mother abandoned her,
I don't want to do it to her also!!) I was sick the hole week before
surgery. I just prayed, and prayed. I also knew that if I really needed
more time in deciding I could go that route also. However, I really
believe GOD wanted me to go this route. No one can tell you what to do. I
think it takes a lot of soul searching and education, to make the right
decision. Hope all goes well - - (by the way, 2 weeks out and I'm doing
okay!!) Karen
— Karen A.
February 16, 2001
Hi. I don't know that I can give you any advice but I am right there with
you. My open RNY is scheduled for April. I am 38 and have 3 young
children ages 1,5,and 7. My greatest fear is of dying and leaving them
without a mother. Other than hypertension and some joint pain, I don't
have any serious known medical problems so at this point it certainly is
elective surgery. But I know if I don't do something about this weight I
will have more and more problems down the road. It's very difficult
because although my husband is supportive of my losing weight he doesn't
feel the risk of surgery, no matter how small, is worth it. So I find
myself having to justify it to him and to myself.
Just remember the risk of complications is small and the risk of dying even
smaller. When I get concerned I remind myself that I have had 3 c-sections
with no complications (including one with general anesthesia) and that
according to the statistics I've read the risks for WLS and c-sections are
roughly the same. Funny I never worried about dying from the c-sections!
Good luck and hang in there. Karen
— Karen F.
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